I ran across this site and would appreciate some feedback on my problem. My wife and I have been married for eight and a half years...both professionals and highly respected in the community. We met in college and were wonderful friends before dating. Before marrying, we use to talk about children..how many, names, when, etc. We knew we wanted to wait to have them as we both are pretty ambitious in our professions. I patiently waited...fending off questions about when we were going to have children from friends and family. We were comfortable that it was not the time. As we grew older my paternal feelings began to kick in and I started hinting around about it being time to start trying. Then the bomb dropped...she informed me that she did not want to have children...and never really did. This hit me like a tone of rocks. The thought of never having a child of my own NEVER entered my mind. We have gone back and forth on this issue for the past couple of years. She just does not have that maternal instinct and probably never will. I have told her that when I married her it was with dreams of raising a family with her. I also informed her that if she did not want them that I felt I would have to be true to myself and find someone who wanted to build that kind of life with me. She waivers back and forth saying she will have one, but cant put a time period on when we will try..then she changes her mind and tells me she does not want any. We are now both 32 years old and while I dont particularly care to be in my late 30's having my first child...I'm more concerned of the complications women have trying to have a baby after age 30 (personally witnessed by many family members and friends). My wife is getting ready to begin on a doctorial program which will probably take 3-4 years to complete. We've always been supportive of each other professionally, but have grown apart in the last 4 years. Very little real communication, affection, etc. More like a business relationship. While I recognize that this isnt good, my thoughts are really on divorce and moving on. We've talked about it several times and in the end resolve to try and work things out...but end up back in the same place as before. I love my wife and care for her well being..but can't honestly say I'm "in love" with her anymore. I'm tired of the back and forth and fighting to keep things together. We have no common interests anymore, and barely see each other during the week due to our busy schedules. (we actually could make time, but dont think either one of us WANTS to because we don't really enjoy each others company.) I'm thinking of once and for all asking for a separation/divorce. Comments? Thanks!

Comments.... well, it sounds like you already know the answer.<P>I don't "love" the idea of divorce, but when there are no kids involved, it's not a big deal.<P>You want kids - always have, she doesn't - wasn't honest about it.<P>You don't spend time with each other and don't seem to mind that.<P>Your lives are completely separate.<P>Sounds like you are roommates - not a couple - well, maybe you still have sex, but it seems in this case that it's a matter of a convenience instead of a way to express affection/passion.<P>I feel for you - ending a relationship is difficult - especially since you thought you married the woman of your dreams - your life partner, but I think that is too simplistic.<P>We live a long time and we change. While it is possible to have a life long partner, it's just as like to have more than one - one for different stages/levels of your life.<P>I wish you luck - this is a tough decision, but I think you already know what you need/want to do and it doesn't look like it will meet much resistance on her side.<P>Melissa

Al06,<P>This is a tough situation. I disagree with Melissa in that divorce is a big deal (but it's bigger when kids are involved).<P>I would suggest that you find a marriage counselor that you can both work with, and see if you can resolve the children issue. If she is indeed dead set against children, I suggest that you file for a formal separation (try 6 months), and see if that makes a difference. If not, file for divorce.<P>It's unclear to me that she really is opposed to having children, in general. It just sounds like she's very much wrapped up in "her needs" without considering yours. I think that the staged approach (counseling, separation, divorce) is the prudent way to handle this indecision.

Hi Melissa and K. Thank you so much for your comments. Its been a difficult few days thinking about this situation.<BR>-Melissa, you are right in that our relationship is more of a roomate type of things. Sex is a rare thing...and when it does happen it feels more like just something to do rather than something you want to do. I believe what you say when you talked about its possible to have more than one life partner, as I know we are both at a different stage in our lives than we were when we got married. I really do love her as a person, but I dont think I do as a wife and lover anymore. What's really holding me back right now is not wanting to hurt her, however, I know this will be impossible. I already feel hurt about these feeling (or lack of) that I have.<P>-K, I agree that divorce, whether there are children involved or not, is a big deal. I didnt think I would ever feel like this, but after years of coming back to the same situations and topics, I'm tired and ready to move on. Three different times she has told me she didnt want kids. When divorce and separation become part of the conversation she changes her mind and dangles a carrot and says "maybe I'll have one in a year"....well, the first time I heard that was 3 years ago! Anyway, thank you ladies for you insight. It is greatly appreciated!