I've been waiting for 18 months for my wife to "see what she was feeling" after an internet romance. During that time I've discovered Dr. Harley's books and the concepts therein. I always thought that once my wife determined what her feelings were that she would discuss them with me so I could work on changing the issues that caused them (meeting her needs and eliminating the "love-busters"). Somehow we skipped that step. She's now decided that I'm not the right person, that I can never change, there's too much pain from the past, and now believes that she's never been happy in the 18 years we've been married. I know I was deficient in meeting her needs, especially in giving her affection, but I've learned all the things that are important to her and want a chance to show her that I love her. Everything I've done to to show affection over the last 6 months have just pushed her further away from me - to the point where she now wants me out of the house and her life. By showing her the affection she said she always wanted (now that I understand how to do that) I have pushed her into a state of deep withdrawl. Is there any hope for this? She says she feels pressure from me and wants to seperate to remove the stress and tension. I love her dearly and would do anything to get her back but I just don't see how leaving is going to improve anything. In essence what she in asking for is a complete absence of the affection that she said was missing in our relationship. If I do that I will be returning to the same behavior that caused our problems in the first place. I've studied her needs and the love-busters from the past but what can I do to help her come out of withdrawl? Everything I've done so far to "help" as only made things worse. Any success stories out there and how you did it?<P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Stardust (edited June 14, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

<BR>Where can I get this 'Love Must Be Tough' book? I don't see it in the bookstore on this web site. My wife also acts very much like this. My first instinct when she tells me that she needs space is to try and cling tighter, but I know that's not the right thing to do now because she is so angry with the way I've been. Maybe this book can help me.

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

HollyAnn,<BR>Thanks for the reply. I got a copy of "Love Must Be Tough" on my way home from work tonight. I'll read it right away! I agree that space is what she needs. I've completely backed off and she's already better. What I can't figure out however, is how she can be friendly and sociable to me around the house when she feels this way. But if I dare show any affection or ask a question about our relationship she completely changes. If there's that much anger and resentment, why doesn't she show it towards me all the time? It leads you in to a false sense of security by thinking that things are better, when I now know (the hard way) that they're far from it. I agreed to her going to visit her parents (out of state) with our son for a week over the 4th of July, so she'll get a little time alone without my being present. I offered to go, but needless to say that wasn't appreciated. But she's still actively looking for a job so she can get the seperation or divorce she says she wants. I guess only time will tell, but I feel so helpless by sitting by and watching. Actually I feel like I'm now doing what has been the root of the problems from day one - not giving her enough affection, but at this point I understand that that's the last things she wants (well, at least from me). I'm anxious to see that Dr. Dobson has to say in this book. I'll keep you posted!<P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<BR>

HollyAnn is so right! I am in a similar situation. I have read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough and it has helped ME so much. Remember, you cannot change anyone else, only yourself. That is a difficult thing to keep in mind. I worried and worked so hard to MAKE my h see what he was doing and that he was throwing everything away. This just pushed him further away - he moved out before I found this website and all the help it has given me. In that sense, you are lucky, she hasn't moved out yet. It may be easier for you to show her your changes when she is still under the same roof. Remember, don't let her draw you into any arguments no matter hard it is to swallow. My desparation and anxiety was one of the worse offenders I could have done. Read Dobson. I know what you are asking because I am also asking the same question: Has anyone had any success moving someone out of Withdrawal? Any happily ever after stories?

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]