my husband and i are married fpor 19 mths. we used to have fights. now when we have a fights for weeks he dsoesnot want to have sex with me. he says he cannot be intamate with a woman who has destroyed his life. he never wants to have sex with me. once i told him that intamacy is important. now he is using sex as a weapon against me.this is suppose to be love betwen a couple. not to take revenge when he is angry. i cannot take this behavior. shall i abstance for life? he doesnot want to see pschologist. also he has become very violent. please advice.

Sonu,<P>Your Husband seems to be letting go of everything that should be valued in a marriage. That can be very painfull for the spouse that really wants things to work, I'm sure its been a nightmare for you to see your husbands lack of values for your marriage.<P> I dont know what has brought your marriage to this point. If your husband is unwilling to communicate with you what is going on inside of him, why is he treating you this way....then your marriage will remain broken. <P> You need to get very bold with your husband. Bold in communicating to him what you want from him. Communication is the key..husbands can be very defensive if they are feeling attacked verbaly, anyone can be defensive when feeling criticized or attacked during communication. Try to get your husband to sit down with you, and begin to talk to him (without attacking)or (criticizing) just talk...look him in the eyes and simply state your feelings. You care about your marrige together..you want to feel loved by him...and so on. Ask your husband (point Blank) do you love me? do you want our marriage to work? You need some answers from him..as to why he has been treating you the way he has.When your husband begins to talk, dont interrup..just listen.key word is Listen. If something is said that is very upsetting to you (dont yell)just continue to communicate as painfull as it may be, try to get him to open up and express what is going on with him. You may even want to write everything down that you want to say before hand. Now your husband may just shut down and walk away. If this happens then just try the next day. I know this sounds so much more earier said than done, but I know that you will be taking a step forward by getting things out in the open between you and your husband.You dont want your marriage to stay in this crippled state forever. You need to move forward in communication.Hang in there and dont give up yet..........Violet1<p>[This message has been edited by violet1 (edited June 28, 1999).]

My Dear, your husband is mistreating you in a very emotionally and mentally abusive way. Has he ever physically harmed you? A woman by nature is a "responder" and a man by nature an "initiator". In a good marriage situation, the husband is kind, gentle, and tenderly loving. A wife will respond greatly to this by not only returning the love, but in turn meet his need by showing him honor and respect because she thinks so highly of him. It sounds as though there are` a great deal of destructive displays of behavior going on in your home. Don't become accustomed to being treated this way. Be shocked by his actions and behavior towards you. He is not going to readily change by himself, and unless he is willing to recognize his ill-treatment of you, you may be better off separating yourself from him until he is ready to want to be helped. You are far better off without him if he continues in this pattern. You will have many turbulent years ahead should you stay with him the way things are. I do not promote divorce, but separation is far more peaceful than trying to live with a destructive person. You do not have to take what he is dishing out, there are options. I know these may seem like strong words and not the most encouraging, however, life's circumstances veer from the ideals we have set for ourselves and we can be very disappointed by that. I can offer no more than simple, realistic advice Sonu.

sonu, I have just studied some of your other posts to get a better understanding of your situation. I found the answer to my question of physical abuse in several of your posts. It sounds like you have brought some ill-tempered actions into the marriage also. But you recognize this so that's a good step in the right direction. However, to hear that your husband has beaten you and even choked you...these are unthinkable acts. GET OUT OF THERE!! The local police will give you information on safe shelters for women like yourself who are in danger. They offer 10-week programs to help you get back on your feet and establish a new life for yourself. It is at no cost to you to reside there for that time. They will offer counseling, support, and even legal aid. You can do it.

Sonu,<P>Are you ok? <P>

Post deleted by GuyInTexas

Hi, I just wanted to say my husband does the same thing to me!! I am in the same boat as you about him not wanting to have sex...he says its because I knock him down and critize how the sex isnt good.

HOWEVER, I feel that I tend to say things like that because we arent have much sex, and when we do (every few weeks/ month) its a disapointment. I rather have it frequently that way there is no pressure to preform "perfectly."

Anyhow, if you do want to work on the marriage I suggest having him look online here or buy the love busters book. We are finally trying to work on that stuff. As for the sex, dont get pissed yet........even though I sure have!!! If you want to save the marriage...ummm do whats best for you....without his help for now. Hey, we girls gotta do what we have to do even if its without him!

I work through all the other issues first if you actually want to save the marriage. Dont press the sex and work on the other stuff for now.

Goodluck!

GIT, what's the deal with digging up these old threads?