\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 12, 1999).]

Holly Ann:<P>I hope you do check your posting again. If your reply on my posting had anything to do with your husband being upset, I am truly sorry. <P>I, too, am seriously considering staying away from this website. Someone that knows me and my H could be just "looking around" and see the similarities in the story, especially with the locations of my H's travel. If it were someone in my H's company -- in any US office -- it wouldn't be too hard to figure out where they were from. <P>I also feel that I have done everything I can now to save my marriage. All I can do is wait to see what he does. The psychiatrist put me on Xanax and that has seemed to help since yesterday. It kind of detaches me from my desparation and evens me out. H moves out tomorrow. There's to be no contact (I cannot call him at work or where he's staying). He says he doesn't want to "date" me or anything. It's so sad, our 1st anniversary is in 25 days. <P>I will just busy my time with friends and activities. Got on the scales this morning and I'm at 18 pounds since mid-April. That feels pretty good. Now it's time to shop for some new clothes! That's something to look forward to. Thank goodness, my job allows me to be financially independent and I don't really have to worry about money because I budget very well. <P>My best of luck to you. I'm not sure if you'll ever read this, but I appreciate the input you have given me. <P>One thing to remember is that all you did on this forum was express your true feelings. If he gives up on your marriage now, he was bound to throw his hands up in the future over the next speed bump. <P>God bless you, Holly Ann, good luck to you and your baby.<P>Kim<p>[This message has been edited by Kimberly S. (edited July 07, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 12, 1999).]

HollyAnn,<P>I had written a pretty lengthy response to your original post yesterday, but it got eaten by yesterday's board crash.<P>I guess that you have a chance to start practicing the Rule of Complete Honesty and the POJA with your husband. Engage him in conversations regarding his concerns (about counseling, Harley's methods, this BB), and see if you can get down to his real concerns about all of this. Eventually, you both need to be completely honest with one another. And if you're doing something that offends or hurts your spouse, it's in the marriage's best interest to stop. That's where the negotiation tools and the POJA come in...<P>Good luck---hope we don't lose you for good!<P>

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 12, 1999).]

HollyAnn,<P>I think that it's kind of funny that you got "busted"---my wife and I had an argument yesterday, and she used a phrase that included "Plan A/Plan B" and referred to this forum---very similar to your husband's situation. I've always been upfront about my participation here, but she said she had no interest. But she must have lurked recently... it must be a climatological thing!! <P>I'm glad that this isn't a chat-format. You lose a lot of information with that style of communication, and you do run the risk of inappropriate friendships starting. <P>In general, I think the forum is a good thing. The "front page" caveats are that you should be familiar with Harley's concepts, and have read the Q&A's before participating. As well, if you click on the "registration" part of the forum, you'll see the usual caveats concerning "content"---which would cover the "this is not real counseling" clause.<P>You worried about being discovered by a lurking spouse (and there's been lots of that lately). Your user ID was probably a give-away, and if you had wanted to remain "unknown" you should have been more careful (hindsight). But you probably also believe that "complete honesty" should be the rule, and that there's nothing "sacred" on these pages that your spouse shouldn't know about.<P>Your discovery of "flirtaceous" material on your computer must have been very hard. And you should have handled it differently (IMO): probably immediately letting him know what you found. You should have never deleted it without his knowledge. Complete honesty and an adherence to the MB rules can seem tough at the time, but they protect both spouses in the long run. <P>You both need to practice on learning and developing these marriage skills (who doesn't). But I'd encourage you to sit down with your husband and let him know that you're on "his team"---this tough love approach can be very inappropriate in a "recovering" marriage. Sit down with your husband, listen to him, help him listen to you, and come up with a plan that makes this better.<P>I'm been winding down my participation here. It's been almost a year (and well over a thousand posts), and even I only have so much to say. But I think this has been the best internet support site for a number of people---there's a wealth of information on this site, and this forum has helped a lot of people.<P>God bless.

Holly Ann:<P>Took your cue. I just deleted everything I've ever posted on this forum (except under this posting).<P>Hang in there! He's just angry right now and probably feels violated that his situation is out there on the internet. I'm sure things we'll be OK. It will just take some time. <P>I wish you the best. My H moves out today and all I can do is wait and see what happens now. All I can do is maintain the positive changes I have made and keep trying. <P>God Bless you, too. I'll still keep an eye out for your postings, if you ever have any! You're an extremely intelligent person (well written, or shall I say spoken) who's very insightful and sensitive. You have a lot to offer someone. He just needs time to realize that -- if he doesn't, then you deserve better. <P>I, too, want nothing more than to save my marriage. BUT, if he is not willing to give me what I need (communication and honesty), then I need to move on and find someone who will. <P>FOR AS HARD AS WE BOTH HAVE WORKED TO KEEP OUR MARRIAGES TOGETHER, WE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. <P>Don't ever forget that. You take care of yourself and your baby.<P>Kim<P>P.S. I don't think you've made a bunch of grammatical or punctuation errors on your postings! You do a great job!<p>[This message has been edited by Kimberly S. (edited July 08, 1999).]

\<BR><p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 12, 1999).]

Kimberly, you are such a sweetheart. I may have to come back just to check in with you!

Holly Ann:<P>I do hope you check back with us and let us know how you are doing.<P>H packed up his things yesterday morning before he went to work and never even said goodbye. It was a hard night. I had to spend it alone -- didn't want to, but couldn't reach anyone to come stay with me. It's hard because all my family is in another state (only 220 miles away though) and I only have 3 friends here who I am close to. I slept alot and definitely cried alot. How could he not say goodbye? <P>I pray every day for him to come to his senses. I'm hoping he misses me. I've got to be strong now and resist any temptation to contact him. It drives me crazy to think about where he might be, who he is with, and what he is doing. Since I'm not sure if he was unfaithful, I can't be sure that he won't be now. Is he thinking about me? <P>I re-checked out "Love Must Be Tough" from the library so I can read it again. I was wrong about the title, sorry about that. <BR>I'll keep you up to date. Hopefully, you'll check back here. <P>Thanks for everything Holly Ann. You've been a big help!<P>Kim

HollyAnn! Oh no! You have been a great deal of help and support for me. You always seemed to say just the right thing to boost me up and get my thinking clearer.<P>I just checked other threads this a.m. so I didn't realize your problem. I am so sorry about this newest development. <P>In my defense, this was the forum I've ever seen much less participated in and didn't realize the importance of anonymity - my user name is my name!<P>If you see this, thank you for your help. That is sooooo understated. I hope and pray for solutions to your life. I hope and pray your h will not hold this against you. I don't see how he can w/as many people as you've helped.<P>God be with you and your baby! I'll miss you.<BR>Tina

HollyAnn,<P>You don't know how much you and the others in this forum have helped me. This has been such a relief knowing that there are others who are (or have been) going through the same thing as I am. And I have benefited greatly by the thoughts and advise of you and others who "have been there". I would be in a LOT better shape now if I had found this site last year (and a lot worse if I hadn't found it at all).<BR>I GAVE my wife the web address and my "handle" in the hopes that she WOULD read my posts and those of others who have recovered from withdrawl. I just went to email one of my postings with your replies to a friend and was upset to see that you had deleted your entries. Fortunately I have a hard copy of most of it, but your advice in particular (on how to back off to quit pushing her away) was a great turning point for me. <BR>I'm so sorry to hear that this forum has hurt your marriage. I guess there's nothing I post here that I wouldn't want my wife to see (even if she sees through the purpose of plan "B"), as I think it would encourage her that there's still hope for us. I guess if there were things I hadn't confronted her with I would be apprehensive, but again - I can't thank you enough for your postings and the advice you've given me. I hope you'll at least keep frequenting here to offer your guidance to others. Your advice is sound and grounded in the fundementals of the Harley books. Best of luck in your situation and may God be with you.<P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<P>