I would like to know if anyone has experienced the following and come through it!<P>My husband has always criticised me and hardly ever says well done or gives praise. One of my needs is admiration so I do course at work and concentrate alot on my work to fulfil my need.<P>I am very sensitive to criticism and have spoken to my husband about this he agreed <BR>that if I am doing something he will show me how he would do it and then let me choose if I want to do it his way or my own.<P>However, this is only if he feels that it is something he doesn't feel strongly about, if he does feel strongly about it he'd insist you do it his way.<P>My problem is that if he tells me how to do things I snap. I feel very angry.<P>On Sunday I was tired and was washing the pots. I filled the bowl with hot water. He came along and felt the water and said that's not very hot. I snapped and said it fine for me, he said well it won't wash the pots and started getting annoyed. <BR>After about an half of an hour he re-filled the bowl and asked me to check if the water was too hot. It was hotter than before and so I washed up the pots. He then started telling me how to wash the soap off the washing up bowl. (In my opinion it doesn't matter how you do it as long as the soaps comes off). <P>Any suggestions of sorting this out, I'd be very glad. I don't know what else to do, things aren't getting any better.<P>Thanks<BR>Theressa

I understand how you feel. My H was like that and sometimes still is. It can really make a person crazy. I use to just let him say what he wanted to say, and usually blow it off. I realized after a while I was a walking time bomb. I finally started saying If I am not doing it your way, then feel free to take over. I feel the same way in not feeling appreciated. We have had several fights about that! I told him it is nice to be told that you are doing a good job, or thanks for doing my laundry, anything! We finally got things out in the open and I told him how I felt. I tried to be level headed and not defensive. Things have been alot better lately. Marriage can be rough at times huh?

My wife does this to me on a daily basis. I just think to myself "screw it" and ignore her. Recently I have started speaking up to defend myself or actions (thanks Theressa!!!!!!!). Yeah, so we don't always wash the dishes the way our spouse does (she should be glad I do the freakin' dishes) our pick up the house well enough. These controlling people must be genetically programmed to believe they are right and everyone else is wrong. Theressa, I really wish I could give you some decent advice but you are so much more adept at these situations than I. Just keep your chin up and remember where your friends are!! I usually tell my W that if she doesn't like the way I'm doing it I will gladly let her take over, then she pouts and leaves the room. Hehe!!!

You said it Txfiddler, We need to speak up for ourselves. We need to be respected right? If we don't do things perfect then so what. Who are we hurting? I don't think anyone. It may look good to us and thats what counts!

Thanks you guys, I guess I still need to fully master assertiveness. Today someone told me to practice what I preach. My co-worker said to me why do you let your husband dictate to you at home but at work you're assertive. I replied its easier at work. (I wasn't joking either it is!) <P>I know it is easier to preach but practicing is hard. However, I feel and I hope you'll both agree that sometimes if you hear it from someone else you feel supported and can actually do something about your problem. Hence when each of us on this site supports each other and gives advice, we are definitely not saying we are experts or that it is easy but support and advice can sometimes help us make major changes. "Its like until its written down we don't see what's past the end of our nose." Anyway<BR>Txfiddler hows things with your wife and mom. Please keep me posted, I am always here to support you. Please let me know how this weekend goes with your mom. <P>(P.s I'm off on my hols after Friday 6 Aug for two weeks so I won't be able to answer any posts. I will be back again around 23 August)<P>Take care hope to speak to you soon<BR>Theressa

Theressa,<P>Well I did my best this weekend--wasn't as strong as I needed to be but it was better than nothing. I called her at home on Friday while I was at work and told her that I had an appointment arranged on Monday to see the counselor. I asked her if she would like to go and she replied no. She doesn't feel that she needs to go because it is my fault that we are in this situation with my mom. She says that if I had defended her in the beginning and demanded an apology and cut off ties till I got it that things would be different. She also said, "You can't go anyway, you don't have any money to go anyhow!!" (She also controls and constantly screws up our finances--God this is embarassing) So I said that I felt that it was extremely important for us to go together to try and fix this thing. She became irrate towards me and called me a few names and lectured me (called me fu**ing a**hole among others). I remained totally calm and kept a quiet tone throughout the whole thing instead of getting sucked in and getting angry also. Anyway, W said I don't do the love notes/letters often enough and I understand that she has a great emotional need for those types of things and she does acknowledge that I am getting better, albeit slowly but there is some improvement. I ended up telling her that she cannot impose rules on my life and that I will be doing things that I want to do including visiting my mom WITH my daughter. Naturally she was backpedaling in full swing denying that she does these things and feels fully justified in her actions towards me. I knew that she would eventually tell me during our conversation to pack my stuff and leave if I didn't like it---she did---I told her okay, when I get home I'll get my suitcase packed and go. She continued to cuss and bring up the past (she wants me to admit that I told her I would drive her to Dallas to get an abortion and I don't remember saying that) that was 2 yrs ago and she won't let go of the past. When I got home, she was leaving to work and didn't ackowledge me--I grabbed my suitcase and started packing. She then called me from her job to talk about this. She said "if you go, it will be forever. You can never come back. I'm serious." I told her that I was just simply doing what she asked me to do. I'm proud so far because I was really a gentleman and calm and reasoning very well. Sometime went by and I eventually called her and said I was sorry that we were fighting and she apologized too and that she is my best friend. She said the same. I told her that I want her to not get in the way of my decisions and that she may not agree with them and not to perceive them in a different light. So, I ended up staying home and not moving out. It was a bittersweet weekend because I feel better in that I addressed my feelings about the situation and what I planned to to about it regardless of her reactions. But I know that in not moving out I backed down and gave her an advantage. Part of me feels that I should have left and called her on it. How long would it take before she asks me back home?? But then what if she stuck by her word?? The good news is that she is going to my moms house with me August 8 for a family get together because my Brother and his family are in town from Washington state. I can't believe that she is going!!! I only pray that she doesn't act like a jack-[censored] while there. She told me today that she will never let my mother babysit the children or let them spend the night. So maybe we are half-way there---I don't believe that I could have put it in any plainer terms that I will visit when I want, unless we have plans or something. I hope that some of this has sunk in to her head. By the way, I'm fixin to change my screen name to "pretender", cause my wife will probably be surfing this site soon and I don't want her to recognize my recent threads. So, how is your life??????

Ouch! I had a very controlling spouse. If someone has a need to control someone else. They have a problem, it doesn't help if you are unwilling to be assertive. Until, this happens you might feel like your walking egg shells. I have found the best way to fix someone who is controlling is to show them how silly they are. I might suggest ask your husband if the water is hot enough every time you wah the dishes. Unless, he's off the deep end , he'll soon realize how silly he's been, and maybe even apoligize. I would suggest you read Dr. Harley's article.<BR>"How the Co-dendency Movement Is Running Marriages." I'm sure your husband has learnt this behavior from one of his parents. HE probally loves you, he's treating you like a child. I also have leart to say to contolling people." We have to agree to disagree." And leave it at that.<p>[This message has been edited by CarolG (edited August 11, 1999).]

Here ya go Theressa.....I moved this to the top.

Pretender,<P>You did great, well done. I've been so busy lately since my vacation that I've tried on and off to come and visit this site. I've tried to give something back and answered some others posts. I've looked for the last couple of weeks for your post and I couldn't find it anyway at least I have now.<P>Pretender, don't beat yourself up about not being strong enough, each small step you take eventually becomes a giant series of steps. Becoming interpersonally fits and assertive is a life long learning experience. So don't expect to be perfect over night. ha ha.<P>Your wife feels she doesn't need to go to counselling and its your fault you are both in this situation. She sounds typical, my husband and other arrogant people always like to pass the blame. One way to be assertive is to take the blame only for your part, "counsellors call it being responsible for your stuff". Your stuff is letting your wife know you accept her opinions and views but you feel that it is unacceptable for her to expect you not to see your mom. You have done this so well done. <P>As for the state of your finances for a number of years my husband held the purse strings and way were they a mess (I'd never admit it though to others). that is until now. One day I sat down and thought why do I allow him to have full control, I work also, so why shouldn't I have nice things. That is when I went out and bought my own car. He was a little confussed but it soon suck in. I deserved to be given control of the finances also, the money was both of are's. There on my husband decided he'd have his money and I'd have mine. I realised only this year that we from there on became so independent of each other that we could have got labels and labelled whats mine and whats yours. I can now say after a lot of soul searching that to live in a interpendent marriage which is assertive you need to share and not be just independent, two independent people should become interdependent when they marry. (Interdependent is when two independent people join together and have equal control and both slip in and out of being in control and being the adult). I am starting to get an interdependent marriage slowly. I suggest you work out your finances, income and outgoings and then you should follow the policy agreement Dr Harley suggests. Never buy anything without the others consent. Money should be kept for bills and shopping the rest should be shared. It shouldn't matter who earns more, you're a team. <P>I have ordered divorcebusting, its a paperback from Michele who is in charge of the divorcebusting website. One of the sections asks you what your goals are, one of mine is about name calling. I get so wound up when my husband calls me names even when he is joking. <P>My goal is.<BR>1) When my husband calls me a name winding me up, I will do the following steps.<BR>i) Take a deep breath<BR>ii) Smile or if he can see my face, in my mind say ha, ha five times. (This will change my emotion from annoyance to happiness)<BR>iii) I will then do fogging, I will only agree with the part of the name which is true. e.g You always think of your mom before me.<BR>You say: Yes I think of my mom. (This takes the wind out of your wives sails)<BR>iii) I will tell myself I am okay<P>This is working so why don't you try it, it beats getting angry and being resentful. My husband is being to loose his momentum calling me names since they are not causing me to become defensive and defend myself.<P>Name calling during a disagreement.<P>This is especially hard but this is my goal so here goes.<P>Step 1: Take a deep breath<BR>Step 2: Say ha ha, five times in my mind.<BR>Step 3. Talk about the issue, ignore any comments the person is saying, e.g "well you never care what I think", You stay with the issue: "You don't want me to go and visit my mom, I want to visit my mom, I don't expect you to if you don't want to but I want to go and see my mom."<P>Stay focus only on the issue don't try to defend her name calling. If things start getting heated say excuse me I need to go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom take 10 deep breaths and decide what you want to say assertively, go back in to the room your wife is in and say, I will go to see my mom twice a month, if something else crops up I'll ring and let my mom know and then I'll go the following week".<P>If you need to you can fog if your wife calls you names but remain calm and remember to breath deeply to calm down. If she says you don't care what I think, say "I care what you think," Thats all nothing else, then go back and focus on the issue, don't argue just state what you want to say, listen and don't interrupt when your wife is giving her views.<P>Focus on issue and find a solution.<P>This is working for me. <P>Don't beat yourself up for apologising when you follow the steps to my above goals you won't need to apologise very often. <P>If your wife bring up the past say I don't want to talk about the past but I will talk about the future, then say excuse me I need to visit the bathroom. NEVER get locked into talking about the past, it causes arguements and the past can't be changed.<P>When you read divorcebusting it will be a God send because others who have read it told me the following: They always thought that the only option was to put up and shut up or get out. Divorce busters has taught them that you can actually stay and repair your relationship and that you don't have to put up and shut up if you want to stay.<P>You can order this book from http://www.amazon.com or via Divorcebusting website it costs $15.15 to the Uk but in the USA I think it will be about $10.10 because shipping is included for the UK orders.<P>You did great, WELL DONE. Keep telling yourself Well done whenever you do anything well. Your self-esteem will flourish. <P>I going to go now because my post is getting very long. You know me ha.<P>Take care I hope this helps, I'll stop by soon to see your next post.<P>Theressa<P>