My wife has controlled me well with angry outbursts. Anytime I bring up a subject she doesn't want to talk about, and there are a few, she goes ballistic, and I mean nuclear. I feel like a wimp, but it doesn't seeem to do any good to bring up forbidden topics, like my needs.

Rich,<P>My standard line would be to tell you to seek qualified counseling. And you should. But...<P>What do you see as your options? If you're not happy about the way you're being treated by your wife and you say nothing, what happens? She thinks that what she's doing is OK, and you go on building resentment until you explode.<P>The alternative is practicing Harley's Rule of Complete Honesty. You owe it to your wife to tell her everything on your mind.<P>Now, she owes it to you to listen and treat you respectfully, and without lovebusters---but she's not going to do that. I'd suggest that you work on discussing things with her, but when she goes ballistic, you let her know lovingly, respectfully, and CLEARLY that you will not tolerate this kind of disrespect. If she wants to discuss things with you, she needs to keep her anger under control.<P>If she can't do that, then I would suggest that you separate from her. It will not help you to stay in an abusive situation if your wife is unwilling to see the seriousness of it. It's pretty drastic, but your marriage probably won't change much until you take responsibility for your actions.<P>And remember---this assumes that you've been practicing Harley's rules for a successful marriage (no lovebusters, trying to identify and meet her emotional needs, spending time with her). If you've been doing a crappy job of that (especially with lovebusters), I suggest that you put a few months into changing your behaviors along those lines to see if your wife responds to the new and improved "you".

I agree mostly with what K has to say except for running out on the marriage. I am in your shoes at this time, so to speak, and have found this site to be of some help regarding my abusive wife. I have learned that I have to be more assertive in getting what I want, including respect. The worst things I have done is to be sucked into her chaos when she explodes. For example, if I want to do something and she doesn't want me to (control factor here) she gets all crazy, name-calling and such and would resort to the same, getting verbally hostile. That's exactly what those type of people want. Now I speak to her calmly, but firmly and make things short and sweet. If she continues, I either leave the room, or hang up the phone after telling her I will not allow her to speak to me like that. Believe it or not, we have made progress, and it has been totally up to me to invest my time and energy into making this better, we have progressed very, very slowly since I started this.