How long should you try and make something, your marriage work, when you see no progress, no hope, and are just getting tired of all the effort. I know that marriage takes work, but I have been trying for almost 18 years. We have seen 4 different marriage counselors, but the problems just subside for a bit then surface again. It is so apparent to me that he is just as unhappy as I am, but if I every bring up the notion of divorce, or separation, he gets hostile, angrey, vindictive. Starts to make demands/statements like if I have such a big problem, because he sure doesn't, that I can leave, and he means just me. He insists that our 3 daughters have to stay in the "marital" house, but that I can go whereever I want. He is such a control freak, and I am getting to the point that I would just rather get a phone call from the police telling me that there has been a terrible accident and he is dead. He makes unreasonable objectives for our daughters, he is overly controlling and demanding and contributes very little (or at least in my mind he contributes only distruption). Any suggestions? <BR>Tired of fighting.

I have the same question! HOW LONG? My husband thinks everything is his way or the highway. He also thinks he will get the kids if I want a divorce. Even though I do everything for the kids now. I rarely get a say so in the decision making and he is often wrong! I know this is your question, but I can relate whole-heartedly. Can anyone answer us.....?

How long? I say if kids are involved it is a matter of whether they would be better off out of it than in. It doesn't matter how you feel or your spouse. <P>You married the guy and had kids with him. If they are happy, tough.

cb - what century are you living in. If the kids are happy tough!??? Why don't you come stand in my shoes for a while and live with an [censored] and say that!!

Morning. <BR>I was just wondering if either of you have worked Dr. Harley's web site information with your spouse or read his books?<BR>The reason I ask is because they have helped my H and I a lot in the past 2 weeks. My H and I have had a failing marriage practically since we were married. He has had a sexual addiction almost all of his life and just started dealing with it last fall.<BR>We have to both be very diligent in doing what he suggests. If neither spouse or one spouse are/is not willing then you need to reconsider and possibly find a counselor who knows Dr. Harley's methods or consider consulting Dr. Harley.<BR>I hope this helps and does not sound like an ad, but I tell you Harley's information has helped like nothing else has.<BR>Good luck, Thoughtful

Though I don't think my situation is as bad as yours, it is very similar. Married 18 years, more lows than highs. It is so much work this marriage business. What attracted you to one another? Can you step back a bit and perhaps use some of the tools on this website to re-focus the negative energy into positive. After 18 years, you should be getting to the best part of your lives.<P>Just a thought...

thoughtfull,,,,i have posted a topic in "other topics" that i would like you to look at,,,,please write to me,,,i think you could help me ,,please,,,i'm desperate,,,,<P>------------------<BR>

sbk,<BR>there is no room in a marriage for demands. if you take some time and look through this web-site and read Dr. Harley's "Love Busters" you will come to learn that respectful negotiation is what will provide the best solution. Negotiation will also re-inforce the policy of joint agreement. by using joint agreement and respectful negotiation things may start to turn around. It takes alot of work, and yes one person can change a marriage. They're a couple of places here that discuss this possibility.

Dear Sbk;<BR>What a crime to have lived for 18 years with the same person and try and still be in the same position you were 18 years ago. You need now to think of yourself and come to the realization that this is not (marriage)something that is good for either of you or for the children to be around. Yeah, you only stay and make it work for the children, but if it's not working, especially after 18 years, than maybe it's time to reevaluate your own life and make the appropriate changes for you to be happy. It's just not a healthy environment, spiritual, physically or mentally. Everyone deserves to be happy. If you care about yourself, you'll come to realize that staying for these 18 years did not bring the happiness that you are searching for right now. Find the courage to leave. you left years ago for whatever reason (possibly his controlling behavior, his demanding ways, etc..) All your're doing now is shutting the door behind you. And shutting the door to unhappiness is the crucial step you must take before opening the next door to joy/happiness.<BR> I feel you have just settled for all those years with his controlling and vindictive ways, leaving you unhappy. Settling for something less than you desire or know you deserve is how you begin to betray yourself, moment by moment, day by day. When we disown and discount ourselves, so does the world; including your husband. Why do people stay in relationships that just aren't going to work? You even said yourself that you see no progress or hope. There are instances when many of the marriages can be turned around by professionals through their help. But, since you have gone through 4 marriage counselors, may be yours cannot be saved. When someone isn't right for you, you can't force it to work. The marriage could have deteriorated to such an extent that parting maybe the only solution. Marriage is a union of two people as one, not one controlling the other.<BR> You have 2 choices- to stay or leave. To stay, like you have, has only brought you anger, resentment and unhappiness. you need to start over - to get rid of the life you've planned long ago, so as to have the life that is waiting for you. Be strong. Have the courage to leave. Go deep inside yourself and make a change. If someone read a book about YOU, what would they possibly think?? What would you think if you read your own story?? Don't settle just because of his controlling behavior. Isn't it time to live for you, to be happy? You are LETTING him dictate your happiness. The most common despair is not choosing, or willing to be oneself. We manytimes, choose to be something we are not to please our husbands or wives, yet, the real person we always hurt are the ones we love - ourselves. You wrote to the bulletin board which makes me think that your petrified in making choices. Sounds like you don't trust your instincts. You also must be convinced that you will probably make the wrong choice and than think, what if...What if I would have stayed...How long must you stay and wait??Don't do that to yourself. You DESERVE to be happy.<BR> You have to muster up the courage to pack your bags and the kids and leave. What gives him the right to insist on anything. Like I said, you have given him the power to control your happiness. No one should have the right to control you! A marriage is not about control, it's suppose to be a shared union of love and trust and communication towards a healthy relationship which leads to happiness. Don't accept this controlling behavior. Don't you deserve to be happy and away from someone who treats you like that? I probably sound hostile about this because I've always been bothered by controlling men and have always been adamant about someone controlling me. It's one thing if you are and go for help, but, it's a whole other thing if you have it and won't accept change. Why must you stay in a house and have thoughts of getting a call that he's dead. GO. LEAVE. Don't put yourself through this unhappiness anylonger. It's just time. Go to a therapist on your own (without him knowing) so the therapist can work with you in helping you deal with the separation before you actually go and do it. So, when you do, it won't be as tragic as you imagine. You have a need to go because you are a mentally abused woman and have been for a long time. Whether you look at it that way or not, but, women who are controlled in the way that you are, are abused. <BR> Him threatening you and getting hostile, angry is his way of showing how his controlling behavior can make you do what he wants. His behavior is his problem, and should not be yours. You are a women of great need for love and happiness. Stand on your feet and take control of your own life. Don't live an image of what he wants you to be, be what you want to be. Live the life you deserve.<BR> I really pray for you and hope that I have provided you with some encouragement and maybe some insight. I hope you find the strength to do what is best for YOU and not for him. Obviously, he does not care enough for your feelings to treat you like the way he does, so, you have to look out for you.<BR> If you need to talk, I'm here for you.<BR>Your friend, Katya.