After reading all the info in marriage builders,I find that I relate very much. My husband has been at the "withdrawel" stage for some time. I at the "conflict" stage. But now my husband left three weeks ago and moved in with his mother. He says he has emotionally divorced himself. He does not want to do the same things over and over again, expecting different results. The ironic thing about all this is that the day he told me he did not want to do this anymore, I was excited to tell him about the revelations I had about what I was doing wrong. He has avoided talking with me for so long that he will not listen now. I want the chance to show him that the revelations I have had are sincere. He just says, "We Will See", but leaves no hope for that. He just says he does not want to live with me. How can I show him if he will not come back? I want so desperately to reconcile. We have been married for 19 years. Together for 20. He says he loves me, but not in that way. We have 5 children ages of 26, 18, 17, 5, and 4. We just adopted the 4 and 5 year olds last year. My husband said the reason he wanted to adopt them other than loving them is because he did not want them to suffer any more than what they have from the fault of adults (their parents). Now, with this situation of our separation, is that not having them suffer once again because of his decision, and adult decision? Also, the week before he decided to move out, we had talked about our beliefs. We both believe that getting a divorce is not right. This is totally baffling to me. When I asked him about that after he decided to move, he just says that he was still at the stage of hope that things would change, but a week later, that was gone. I am totally baffled by this. What do I do next? <P>LostandinLove

-<p>[This message has been edited by MaryBB (edited June 26, 2000).]

I completely sympathize and understand your situation. I am in the very same one. I am in the conflict stage and my husband is in the withdrawal stage and has "given up". I, too, am trying to convey that I know what I was doing wrong if he only gives me the chance to show him. I'm finding that whenever I try to deposit love units, he doesn't want them. Are you finding the same thing? If you are, have you found anything that works? I haven't yet. I'm hoping that day by day, as I try not to make any withdrawals and try to make deposits, even if he doesn't take them, that eventually he will be willing to open up. Don't give up. I'm a firm believer in not quitting, especially when it comes to something as important as your marriage. Hang in there. I feel for you. <P>------------------<BR>

Hello again Michelle....<P>I'm wondering if the deposits you're making are ones that are in YOUR love language and not his. I personally don't care for candles, so when someone gifts me with a candle of some kind it sits around and gathers dust and sometimes isn't even burned before I give it away or throw it away. Be sure what it is that you're depositing is something of value to your h. Once again, read "Give and Take."

After reading that you have been married for 19 years and the ages of your three older kids, I just wonder if your H is going through a MLC? He certainly seems to have all the symptoms. I have cruised all the threads on here and have yet to find one that deals with the subject. You may want to check out a couple of other websites. Try this one http://friends-lovers.com/yourmlc.html. When you get on it, click on the Midlfie Crisis title and read some of the stories. You will find them very similar to your own. Also, www.ourbestyears.com. People there are going through the same thing. <P>I don't know if this will help, but give it a shot.

Yes, I have read some info about MLC, and yes, I agree that is what he is possibly going through. His dad died 3 years ago after a prolonged illness (cancer), not too long after his dad first got the cancer, my husband started smoking marijuana again. He is an alcholic, but has been sober for 14 years as of right now, but the marijuana is just a replacement. When he was in A.A. and I was in Al-Anon our relationship improved, and we both communicated very well, the focus was on ourselves and what we had to do to change ourselves. Our marriage improved every day. Then about 6 years ago he decided to stop and in turn he went out and bought horses, and got himself involved with them. That would not have been a problem in itself, but he turned away from something he knew he needed to keep in his life, and that was A.A. He started spending money we did not have. When his dad got ill and died he was questioning where he was going in his life. He was acting panicky about having to achieve something before he dies himself. He feels he needs to leave a legacy of some sort. The problem is that he is not accomplishing that in this way. To top it off, at the same time this illness with his dad, we ended up with custody of our grandchildren, ages almost 2 and 8 weeks old at the time. Since then we have adopted them. But what that does is put more responsibility in his lap also. It is like this family holds him back from achieving whatever that is he is seeking. So there have been tremendous stresses around here in the last 4 years. Along with the older kids having been early teens too...and anyone with teens knows what I am talking about...LOL<BR>As far as I can see, this MLC and the info about the three stages of marriage go hand in hand. The thing is about all of this..no matter what people pinpoint what the problem is...it is satans work. You can call it what you want, but that is the fact. Satan is behind all of this. The only way for this to stop is to pray for satan to leave us, to pray for satan to leave your husband/wife. Sure, we need to change ourselves, and if we are Christians that are seeking the word of God and believe and have faith that God will bring good in our lives we can not help but change. That is the reason I had said that the day my husband said he did not want to do this anymore, was the same day I was excited to tell him about what I had realized about what I was doing to help destroy this marriage and that now I see what I need to do to change myself to have a good marriage. I had had that revelation from God, He was showing me what I needed to do to be a good Christian wife. You see, back about 6 months ago I turned to my husband and said, "Satan needs to be cast out of our home." Just out of the blue. At that time I had no idea where that came from. I do now. Anyway, I started going to church with my two teens, that had been going and had accepted Christ in there lives, over a year ago now. I wnet and still go to bible studies, had found peace from all the anger I had inside, was baptized in August. My husband took vacation the week before he left. We had planned on going camping and at the last minute he decided not to, which was not unusual for him. He was always doing that. I never could depend on what he would say he would do. It would change at the last minute. So my older daughter and I still went and my husband agreed to have the younger girls part of the week, and I the other. Well, I only wentcamping for part of the week, but did a lot of bible reading, praying, and listening. God revealed to me what I had to do as a wife. I came home all excited and he tells me he can not do this anymore. It is like the more I grew in Christ, the further my husband pulled away. The devil was mad. He sawthis household, or at least most of this household turning to God..and when that happens he does not have the power here anymore. He sought out the weakest in spirit and did his work on him. Marriage takes THREE....One man who vows to love his wife, a wife who vows to love, too, but only when the Lord is first, will love be ever true! So it takes both in the marriage to accept God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in there lives to have a lasting good marriage. The info that is given us in DB, etc. is living Christlike. Even though they do not necessarily say that, it is so. When you think about what would be the Christlike way of living, don't you think that what DB is telling us would be Christlike??<BR>I have my ups and downs, this is very difficult to be going through. Very painful, but if I ask God to take the pain and pray it gives me comfort. I need to keep on keeping on...I have more to share. More that I would like feed back on, but I need to go for now. Getting ready to go to a retreat this weekend, am looking forward to this.<P>God Bless,<BR>Jaci

Hi LostandinLove,<P>What do you do next? <P>Have you tried writing your husband a letter. There is no guarantee he'll read it but at least you'd feel like you are doing something positive. Put into the letter all what you wanted to share with him. At the bottom of the letter write, I still love you but feel I need to give you some time to deal to deal with all this on your own. I love you so I will give you this space. Please keep in touch.<P>This is all then you must step back and give things time to get to the next step. In the mean time look after your family and yourself and keep praying. God works in mysterious ways but even God gives people time to figure things out that's why God gave us the gift of reasoning so we could try to sort things out on our own.<P>Hope this helps<P>Theressa