My husband (Bruce) and I have been married for 1 ½ years. This is my 3rd marriage and this is his second. I have two children 7 and 6, from a previous marriage.<P>The last year has been extremely difficult and I fear my marriage is at or past the point of no return. I would like our marriage to continue and go back to being happy, but Bruce feels that it is too late. I really need your help.<P>I have felt that my emotional needs of affection, conversation, domestic support and family commitment have been unmet. I have tried unsuccessfully to convey these issues to my husband over the past year. I feel that I am not listened to and have been taken for granted. I have become controlling, demanding, and even making disrespectful judgements which has caused him to be extremely resentful and even at times saying that he hates me. This has now been going on for about 1 year.<P>Last night, I again conveyed my dissatisfaction with his attentions towards me, and he left. He did eventually come home after several phone conversations, but he said that he doesn’t care anymore. He doesn’t feel anything. He said that he has built up a wall to not get hurt and it has also shut out all of the good things, and he doesn’t enjoy anything in life anymore - that I made him feel worthless.<P>You can’t imagine the shame I feel at having made another human being feel so bad. Not just any human being, but my husband. I can’t believe it was me treating him that way. I understand what I did to cause this. But what I don’t know is how to get our love and marriage back. I have tried, unfortunately inconsistently, to deposit love units, but he doesn’t seem to want them. I have tried to hold out the olive branch, but he doesn’t seem to want to take it.<P>Would you please suggest some steps I might take to get my husband back. I would appreciate any advice you would be willing to give me. <BR>

Michelle,<P>I've been married now for almost 19 years. I can't say much about re-marriage and blended families, but my husband uses the "flight" philosophy with conflict. [he "flies" away to avoid talking ] So I know some of your frustration with feeling like you have no ability to "connect" with him beneath the "surface" of daily stuff. I discovered through counseling a technique that has worked for me, and may work for you. Get him to talk about something that is very special to him. In my h's case, that was his grandfather. When he would talk about his grampa, he would light up in a way that I rarely saw. Once he started talking and reminiscing he was much more open to move beyond his wall. BE CAREFUL! This can be a dangerous tool if you use it to lower his guard and then slam him with something bad. Use this only if you are truly willing to listen and explore opening up communication between the two of you. It may not work, but it did for me. We still struggle with communication issues, even this past week we had conflict, but we are determined to resolve it! Read "Give and Take" it may help......

Michelle:<P>This article was out of this month's newsletter: it may help.<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html</A> <P>I'd recommend that you consider counseling with Steve Harley (over the phone)---Steve's a very effective counselor. Do this regardless of whether your husband will participate.