I have been married for 22 years; for the first 10-11 years my husband was a regular user of marijuana. When I threatened to end our marriage, he got into an outpatient treatment program and stopped the use. I felt a bit uneasy after this though, and I didn't think that he had done all the things that I thought he should have, i.e. make amends with those you have hurt, and it was a big secret that he never told anyone about. <BR> Last year, about 10 years later, I discovered he was using again plus he was now secretly smoking cigarettes (a habit which he had always been very much against). A couple of days later, we both decided he needed to move out and decide what he wanted. <BR> He moved out for about 5 months. The criteria for him to return was: 1. He stop smoking pot. 2. He stop smoking cigarettes. 3. He get into some counseling. He did all these things, he came home, and I went to counseling with him. <BR> My main issue from the beginning was that I wanted him to have someone else besides me to whom he would be accountable to as I knew the counselor would not be around forever, and his reason for returning to the pot was that I was not being "loving and kind," thus, he used my behavior as an excuse. At the urging of the counselor he contacted an old friend who had been helpful with the first treatment. They talked once and have not gotten together since. Then, about 2 months after he came home, his behavior was such that I figured he was being dishonest, and I asked him if he was smoking (cigarettes or ??) I asked him three times (2 times at home and once in front of the counselor), and he lied. Then, on the way home he told me the truth. The counselor does not think smoking is a big deal, but the husband can be using this as a coverup for other things, and it is his behavior that is the problem.<BR> Now again (5 months later) at the counselor's urging, he is to contact another friend (who we know is very willing and able). He was to have accomplished that task before the next counseling session (he had three weeks), and here we are and he has not done so.<BR> My questions are: 1.Is this a reasonable request on my part that he find another person to whom he has to be accountable? 2.Is it unreasonable that I don't want him smoking cigarettes either? 3.How long do I wait for him to "get it" and change. <BR> I am not thrilled as throwing away 22 years, but what are my options at this point?

1. It is not unreasonable to expect him to have accountablility. Your couselor has affirmed that this is needed. If he balks at this or will not do it. He really doesn't want to change. He is making that decision in a rational state of mind. Not only does he need to have person to be accountable to he needs a game plan for when he is tempted. That plan must be put together before the temptation comes. <P>2. I would chill about the cigaretts for now. Take one addiction at a time. Ask him to disassociate himself from the people that influence him in a bad way like smoking or doing the pot. If he says, "but they are my friends". Ask him what kind of a person contributes to the distruction of a friend?<P>3. I have no idea how long you wait for the change. I think maybe you have a time line with mile stones along the way. I would think your counselor may be of some help here. You do not mention children...If there are any I would hang on longer for their sake. At some point he does need to shape up or ship out.<P>God can sustain you. If you haven't talk to Him in a while why not have a chat with Him.

Mariesue,<BR>I agree that he should be accountable to someone other than yourself. I think that the major problem you are dealing with right now is that it doesn't seem like your husband WANTS to quit. By what you said, for ten years you put up with his habits. What changed? why did you decide that you wanted him to quit? Was it all of a sudden, or had you always hated it? Did you use to smoke with him or not? I'm sorry for all the questions, but if you put up with it for 10 years and then suddenly decide he has to quit or you will leave him, thats quiet a sudden change. I suspect that his smoking has been the culprit for many other problems. I would suggest to you, that you would make a big effort to show your husband that you love him, in ways that are meaninful to him. At the same time show tell him how much you hate his addictions and show him how it has hurt your relationship. Then maybe he will see a good reason to quit. Be patient but firm, loving and also encouraging. God is always a good person to turn to when you are going through a hard time!

Thank you for your responses. To answer some questions, yes we do have children, ages 20 (away in the Army) and 17 (senior in high school). I did use to do the pot with him when we were first married, but I became bored with it. Then our first child came along and I found God. We had definitely had major conflict about the issue, but it was going on in both of our families amongst our siblings and we still had friends who were involved in it. Finally, at 10 years I had the needed support to take a stand. With this recent event, I know that part of what went on with him this last year was the fact that our first child (our son) left home and my H is looking at midlife. <BR>Good news though, on the same day that I wrote the message he made the needed call to get together with the friend, so we have made a turn, and this gives me more energy to keep walking through the valley. My struggle is that I want to "fix" things, and I need to continue to let him go at his own pace as long as things are going in the right direction. <BR>Thanks again for responding, a fresh perspective from others always helps to take some of the emotion out of the situation and to help see more clearly. God bless you!<p>[This message has been edited by mariesue (edited November 13, 1999).]