I have read the stuff on the PJA, and I think it makes sense, as does all of the stuff on this site! Here is my question...what do you do when neither one can agree to the other's choice with enthusiasm?<P>My husband smokes. I don't. So far we have tried several options...him smoking in the house; smoking only in the basement (with a fan blowing most of the smoke out the window); him smoking only outside.<P>I find the smell of smoke very unpleasant, and resent the fact that smoke in the house not only hurts my health but makes things dirty. He finds that smoking only outside interferes with his 'thought processes'. Because he is constantly interrupted by going outside to smoke, he finds it hard to get things done. Plus, we live in a rather cold (and getting colder!) climate.<P>I love my husband desperately, and he loves me too, but this is an issue we cannot agree on. No solution makes both of us happy. Sure, I'd love it if he quit, but that has to be his choice, not mine. I know he'd love it if I could handle the smell in the house, but I just can't...I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin to get away from it.<P>Any suggestions...how do we come to mutual enthusiasm over this one?<BR>

Wow! That's a tough one.<BR>My suggestion would be:<BR>Make a list of the pros and cons of him smoking. Make a distinction on the cons that affect your relationship. The relationship issues should be more important than personal desires, for example, his desire to smoke versus how his smoking affects your relationship.<BR>Also, I would encourage you to be creative and find ways to make him want to stop. For example, my husband and I are both trying to lose weight. Our goal is to lose 15 lbs. But for every 5 lbs lost, we get to do something fun, like go to the movies or buy a new CD. That's just an example, but you can try things that would work for you. Good luck!

I think that Zelhuflo has it right when she says to create a list of the pros and cons of your husband's smoking. I would suggest that you do this as Zelhuflo says, in writing, and also separately. Then compare each other's written lists. This will allow you both to see each other's opinions hopefully absent the emotional reactions when opinions are openly stated. After comparing the lists engage each other in a respectful and non-threatening restatement of the other's opinions so that you both are fully cognizant of how the other feels. Once you both are confident that you understand the other's position perhaps that will help in developing a win-win solution.<P>It is unfortunate that what you are dealing with has proven to be an extremely difficult habit for one to either accept in another or for one to give up even if the desire to do so is there by the user. Tobacco has proven to be very addicting to some.<P>In light of the POJA I would ask, Tiny, was H a smoker when you fell in love with him or is this a recently acquired habit? If it was in place when you two got together then it would be incumbent upon you to not make an unreasonable demand that he stop smoking since his stopping would not have met with his enthusiastic agreement. However, if he just recently started without your enthusiastic agreement, something I can't imagine anyone who cared for another doing in light of all the present day medical evidence of physical harm attendant to smoking, then, of course it would constitute a violation of the POJA and he would have to relent, cease smoking and restore the situation as it was before.<P>It is important that you not be judgemental of your H's opinions about smoking. Remember that this is a very addicting substance and a habit that will make a person come up with some very eloquent reasons to continue. There are some excellent mouth sprays/drops on the market developed for cigar aficionados and that might help ameliorate a distasteful situation. Personal clothing will probably have to be cleaned more often and personal grooming takes on an even more attentive importance. As for the smell in the house, all that can be done is a judicious application of cleaning supplies and constant attention to filter cleaning.<P>To be successful in your search for a win-win resolution you will probably end up having to convince H of how your opinion is in his best interests. I particularly like Zelhuflo's approach of a positive reward for achievements attained. That might take some creative thinking on both of your parts but I would definitely include him in on perhaps finding a possible replacement/reward for any accomplishment on his part. That might prove to be a lot of fun too .<P>Keep in mind that you must protect and care for each other, understand and respect each other and try, at all costs, not to be the source of the other's unhappiness. Your caring for him may allow you to overide an aversion or his caring for you may allow him the strength to overcome a horrible habit.

Thank you so much for your replies. Yes, my husband smoked when I met him, which is why I say that I don't feel it's my place to ask him to quit. He talks off and on of doing so, but so far no genuine commitment. He has been very good so far about smoking only outside, which has a beneficial effect on both of us (he smokes less, and the house doesn't smell or require extra cleaning) but he is unhappy about doing so. I am truly torn, because I hate to see him so unhappy, but I hate the smoking even more. It breaks my heart when I hear him cough, and wonder how long I will get to enjoy having him with me.<P>I have (lovingly) expressed these feelings to him, and he is well aware of the benefits of quitting. He has mentioned several times that we would be better off financially, and that his health wouldn't suffer so much if he quit. But, he is also very addicted to smoking. <P>I only want what's best for him, and he knows that, but I think that smoking has a stronger hold over him than I do (hard to admit when you're supposed to be the love of his life). I will try the things you suggested, and we'll see how it goes. Thanks again for listening. This is a wonderful group

Hi Tiny;<BR>Hope your negotiations are progressing in a positive way for both. Although you say that your loving husband is well aware of the risks associated with the habit, I wanted to add a little to my reply because the smoking habit hit very close to home. Not too long past a close member of my family fell victim to one of its dire outcomes. Although still alive he has been deprived of speech and still suffers from the effects of smoking and treatment. When you said that it rips your heart out when you hear your man cough I can tell you that this is how it started with my family member although he continued to deny it up to the bitter end.<P>I'll try to be brief with this and please excuse the gross generalizations. I think that airline pilots are usually considered very conservative and tend to view most all theories as here-say until proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. All changes are looked upon with a jaundiced eye until close scrutiny proves that the new way really is better. Safety is the watchword by which we live. I started my flying career in the military where we were deluged with cigarettes. I never paid more than $.20 a pack; they were everywhere, available in every country and offered a source of striking up a conversation with most foreigners, male or female. When I started with the airlines most all pilots were exmilitary and thus most all were heavy smokers. Now that so much info has been proven and disseminated as to the bad effects of smoking I cannot remember the last time I flew with a crewmember who smoked. From virtually everyone to almost none. This from a group of folks who must be beaten over the head many times with a very large and heavy two by four before they will accept any change. There must be a reason that so many who are so conservative dropped the habit. I urge you to do what you can, in a non-threatening and loving manner as possible, to persuade your loved one to stop. He is lucky to have someone who cares for him and I, too, would hate to see you loose him.