Hi, I am very new to this site but feel it can be constructive and beneficial. My wife rejects this site almost immediately because it is informal via internet and perceives it as a joke probably because it is my idea to help us(another way). Similar to our present marriage she hasn't taken steps into it(for the last year) or made the time to do so or willing to for that matter. I plan to stay with it for I am learning alot about me and her(I think?). <P>Our present marriage is on the rocks and she is leaning toward separation which is not good for anyone. Our kids are 2 and 4. Her twin sister is going through her 2nd divorce for the last year - ridiculous and nasty - and my wife is very much caught up in it and so is their mother. My wife and her twin sister started an at-home business(in our home) about one year ago as well. My 2 year old is going through the terrible two's everyday since she was one. That's the background scenario. She states that I am not in her priorities with the minimal amount of time and energy she has.<P>To make a long story short, two nights ago, she stated she is willing to forego her decision on separation or anything else for that matter until sometime after the holidays. She continued to say that it doesn't mean Jan. 2nd or 3rd either. I love her very much and told her last night that I am willing to do anything to keep things together, even if its just being her handyman or their for the kids. She stated that it might not be good enough. She states that she loves me but is not as much "in love" with me as when we got married. She feels that she has lost so much love that she will not be able to get it back, no matter what I do. Every time I tell her positive things she makes it negative in her eyes.<P>A month and a half ago I pleaded for us to get help and she reluctantly agreed. She elected to use her previous psychologist for the both of us, and after four sessions my wife lost faith in her. I agreed to stop with her but seek someone else to no avail. Presently, she wants no help or assistance, she wants to figure it out on her own and avoid potential help with our marriage. She said "I don't know that I want help to save our marriage, I know that I am hurting you and being selfish, I am sorry, I don't want to hurt you!"<P>Yet, I asked her what do I do in the meantime and how do I act? Probably stupid for me asking? But, after asking her further questions, she said "it's ok to give me hugs, and kiss me goodbye and hello, I always love your hugs".<P>I am seeking advice of positive friends and family as much as I can. I am trying to stay focused but have been emotionally depressed by this. I could use support, advice, shared experiences, and possibly her viewpoints. By the way, she is a good Mom and a good person.

First let me say that I admire the fact that you are there for your kids. That is of utmost importance. Stick with it for them.<P>I would recommend that you get several of Dr. Harley's books ("Marriage Insurance", "Love Busters", "Give and Take", "His Needs, Her Needs" are the ones I have read so far) and see if you can get your wife to read them with you. One approach would be to download some of the articles on this site written by Dr. Harley and have her read them. Then she may like to read some of the introductory material on this site which could lead her to an interest in the books. Any of the books are very quick reads although one could spend a lifetime implementing the material presented and one should. Then, if she finds the material significantly interesting to her or if this reawakens the spark of love that must have been there for you both in the beginning, obtain Dr Harley's workbook "5 Steps to Romantic Love" and delve into it with her. With so much negative outside influence (read family interference) this may prove to be difficult.<P>You also may consider the telephone counseling service offered by Dr. Harley. I haven't used it but, after reading his books, I wouldn't hesitate to do so if that proved to be to my wife an acceptable alternative. At the very least, you should consume as much info presented on this site in re Dr. Harley's basic concepts as possible and try to talk about these in depth with your wife.<P>As a last resort I have heard of a program that is available for couples in your situation. Do a web search using the search engine mamma.com for Retrouvaille. I understand it is very effective. Perhaps someone who has experience with them could offer you more info about the program.<P>One last thing, I'm not sure that a "good" Mom would even consider depriving her kids of a loving home complete with both a Mom and a Dad. You both owe it to them to rid yourselves of outside negative influences and get on with the business of putting your marriage above all else. Make the necessary changes to accomodate each others needs and restore the romance in your marriage. It can be done but it will take a devoted team effort.

Noggin,

Noggin,<P>Thanks so much for your response. I know its going to be very difficult as it already has. I believe she is hanging on so slightly because of the kids. I just hope that deep inside she is giving me another chance. I immediately ordered the books you recommended and went to a bookstore and purchased the book "7 habits of Highly Effective Families". She and I went to a movie and for a drink last night and had a very talkative/attentive time. She is somewhat resistant to my touch, but I am sensitive to that. I wish I could walk next to her and hold her hand but unfortunately I am on crutches(another crutch in my side which I don't need). <P>Thanks again for offering advice and encouragement.

Dear Devoted,<BR>Does your wife say what had gotten her to this point of indifference? Has she communicated dissatisfactions throughout the years that you are only now attempting to amend? Did you have these problems before you were married? You say that she says she cannot make you a priority with everything else that is going on in her life right now, but until she does, there is no way your marriage will survive. Is there anything you can do to help lessen her burdens (i.e., extra childcare) so that you and she can have more time together alone? Obviously, it is easier for her right now NOT to make you a priority because she doesn't really feel motivated to do so; she is probably harboring resentments which block out any positive feelings towards you. Get her to talk about these resentments, and listen without being defensive or judgmental. Also, her sister's situation could be affecting her thoughts. Perhaps her sister's sharing of all the dirty details has gotten her focusing on all the negatives in your life together as well. Keep trying to talk to her -- but try to make her understand that working on your marriage must be a priority. Perhaps you can strike a "deal" with her: ask her to attend counseling with you for 3-6 months -- no strings attached. If she doesn't begin to feel a shift in her feelings about the situation, you will not pressure her. With more attention to your problems, she will find that the business, and especially your children, will thrive much more successfully because you will once again have the solid foundation of a secure, loving marriage. GOOD LUCK!

Thanks Spotlight,<P>My wife and I did not have problems before we were married, we were inseparable without distractions.<P>I've tried many positive ways to lessen her burdens and with the additional time I created for us, she exhausted it by either working, or seeing her sister, or talking to her sister on the phone about her divorce, or going shopping and ending up at her sister's house or her mom's. She takes advantage of it for her to escape from me. I also feels she does it late enough for perhaps I'll fall asleep and she can avoid sex. That's my selfish feeling. <P>I know she is harboring resentments and communication dissatisfactions and I told her last night that I understood it. I apologized for being selfish to her needs and not understanding them as well as putting my needs over hers. After I told all, she was very thankful and her attitude seemed to change immediately towards me. We shared gifts that she bought for herself and the kids, then I gave her one of her Christmas presents early. She loved it and had to show it off to her sister the next day. I guess I was hoping that tonight she would spend some quality time with me but to no avail. I feel she went right back to running away. Her period will be here anyday and of course yet another week or more of not satisfying my needs. This is very difficult for my needs are very simple. I tell myself to stay in there and be patient for it won't be cured overnight but even rejection through resentment is devastating and harmful.<P>I have tried to make her understand that our marriage is a priority through reason and common sense but with all of the resentment she is harboring it ends up being expressed to her in frustration or anger or demanding which our Love Busters. I know I need more time. She even came in while I was typing this reply and said she was concerned about me and who was I writing to? I told her the truth and said that I was concerned about us and am seeking help through this forum. She went back to bed without further comment.<P>I hope I am doing the right thing for us?

Hi –<BR>Well, it sounds like you’re doing everything you can right now. And I believe you’re right that she is using her spare time as an escape from you. Not necessarily from YOU, but from the pain and tension she probably feels when she’s with you. The unfortunate thing is that when we don’t know where we stand with somebody we tend to become more needy, which in turn causes the other person to withdraw even further, which is probably the case with your wife. Perhaps you can simply state to your wife that you love her; that you want to things to work out, and that you will be patient with her, and then just try to go about your daily business (not in a punishing way) so she doesn’t feel pressured. At the same time, try to find a non-threatening way to let her know that you also have needs that are not being met, and that you miss her very much. I hope she’s not mad that you were using the Forum for some advice. Has she read any of the articles? They’re so helpful – maybe they would help her as well. I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. You just have to remember that you can’t change or control her, you can only change your own actions, which will in turn hopefully affect the way she reacts and feels. Hang in there and the love will come around again. I really hope everything works out for your guys. <BR>