The last two years of our 21 year marriage have been spent trying to work things out. Took a job 400 miles from home and now live with parents. W plans to join me when daughter graduates from HS. 7 months of prior counseling ended when the counselor suggested we try separation or different counselor. I am totally in love with her but she suffers from depression and takes the path of least resistence in any discussion we have. That includes being dishonest. Would rather tell a lie than enter into a discussion she thinks will cause disagreement. The lies lend themselves to believing something worse is going on. She loves line-dancing and goes out every weekend to a country bar and stays out til usually one in the morning. She goes with her recently divorced girlfriend and sometimes takes our daughter. She is unwilling to compromise on her social activities, like coming home earlier, not having any alcohol (usually has 1 or 2 drinks), limiting to once a month, etc. Short of giving an ultimatum I don't how to deal with it. I haven't given her the info from PJA but have given her article on honesty. She says my request ("demand" her words) is a question of trust. While the dishonesty lends itself to other possibilities I have told her my feelings are about preserving trust and avoiding an environment that could create situation. She doesn't want to hear it or discuss it.<P>------------------<BR>

Hi Greg,<P>I’m sorry you are feeling such despair right now. What types of problems were you having in your marriage that prompted you to seek counseling in the first place? You say your wife suffers from depression -- is she on any type of medication to treat her depression? What did the counselor have to say about how her depression may be affecting your marriage? Certainly, depression can profoundly affect a marriage. As for your current separation from each other – was this by choice (as recommended by your counselor) or because it was your only job option? It’s difficult to work things out when you are physically separated, and the distance allows a certain freedom that can feel threatening to each other. How often do you see each other right now? Has your wife given indication that she wishes to stay married and that she wants work things out with you? When will your daughter graduate from high school so that you can reunited? I’m sorry there are more questions than answers, but it will help to know a little more background. I hope to hear from you!<P> - Spotlight<BR>

Not sure where to begin but after retiring from the Marine Corps I found more time to spend with the family in my new job. Oldest son was very rebellious and caused conflicts. W spent less time at home to avoid conflicts - very involved with daughter's activities - 4-H - horses. I began to realize my role had become a paycheck. No affection, no longer "Dear" or "Honey", we weren't best friends any more. Then the lies, usually just about unimportant things. I asked her if she was having an afair and that angered her. I had never been able to communicate my feelings very well but I opened up to her. She resented me for telling her what I was feeling. It finally got to the point where I felt we could no longer make each other happy and told her we should think about ending the pain. Only then did she agree to counseling for us and also counseling for her depression. She would come home from counseling and our discussions would lead to how bad her life has been and between her parents and I, we made her life miserable. Unfortunately her counselor had only got to the point of identifying her anger before taking a medical leave. I think my wife never had the opportunity to go to the next level of dealing with her anger. I transfered through the company to try the separation hoping she would miss me and want to work things out to be together. She says she wants to stay married and wants to join me but her actions don't support her words. I have a long story and more to tell but the novel won't fit on here. Hope this tells you enough to see the picture of my despair.

Read your post and would like to know how are things working out for you. Have you and your wife reconciled. Spotlight is right, you cannot work things out when you are so far away. Emails, telephone calls and the like do nothing really to save a marriage, it just keeps it hanging there. Rather than waiting for your wife to come to you, go back to her, even for short trips. <P>All the best and I hope things work out.