My husband told me September 18 the he no longer loved me, did a 180 inside of 2 hours,and said we'd be together forever. Then, 6 weeks later, October 28, he told me he was wrong - that he didn't really love me. I finally kicked him out. We separated November 19. He came home last Tuesday, just before Christmas. Told me he was home for good. That he loved me. That he was committed to the marriage. That he wanted to build our relationship. Then, December 26, I asked him when he was giving up his apartment. I found out he's not giving it up. Says he wants to work things out, but needs that "back door" "just in case..." Like a fool, I've let him stay here anyway. He has the best of both worlds - he can be with me and his daughter- at his convenience - and run away whenever he feels like it! I love him, and I don't want to lose him, but I can't let him have it both ways... What do I do NOW?<P>------------------<BR>Anne46

I also had a waffling husband, so I know how painful it is. He's there now and that is certainly an improvement. Hopefully, you can work together to build a trusting, loving relationship. I think that once he feels safe, he will get rid of the apratment.<BR>Can you financially keep two places going?

Hi, Patience - thanks for your response. <BR>We can keep both places, at least for a while. He never did sign his lease, but now he's "thinking about it..." Thanks to you, I tried something new tonight, and it might work. I read about resolving conflicts -vs- restoring love, and refused to react or fight, no matter what he said to me tonight. I felt like he was trying to pick a fight with me, but I wouldn't play the game this time. Gave him no excuses to say he's leaving. Was pleasant and kind. Told him I was glad he was here. We went shopping, and actually had a nice time. I'm trying to take your good advice - to make him feel safe and loved here at home. THANK YOU<P>[This message has been edited by Anne46 (edited December 29, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Anne46 (edited December 29, 1999).]

Well first as I say to every-one its, not worth fighting. We pick fights so as to release the tension build up. Sometimes it good to release that steam, it hopefully give you both an open forum. When it does get heated you need to calm down and he will follow. When you do say something back be NICE, if he says something to you that hurts, take it on the chin and be nice. How can you fight with some-one who is nice.<P>When he does want to pick a fight let him, but say to him, "Look I am willing to fight for the next 10 minutes and after that I want to get back to love how about you?" <P>There is an old saying, "When a pick pocket stands in a crown of Saints all he sees are there pockets" This means that no matter what you can not change someone, as much as we would like to. Always suggest change rather than demand change and you will find you will get further. Suggest he get rid of the apartment to save money for that ...holiday, new car, new diamond ring for you, etc. But be nice.<P>All the best and good luck, you seem like a nice person and he married you because he saw that and still knows its there.

Thought I'd update everyone - he left ma again New Year's Eve day - and I had to host a party we had planned together - alone. It was very strange - me and 6 other couples. He left me holding the bag - I was the one who had to eplain to our friends that he would not be attending - he left me again. <P>When I asked him why, he told me I wouldn't understand - he just wasn't in the mood to party. I told him I was TRYING to understand, could he please explain. He got furious with me and screamed at me, "How can YOU understand! You're not the one with the dead mother!" (His mother was killed in a traffic accident two years ago Dec 29)<P>The thing is, I would love to be sympathetic, but I think it's just another excuse - all of his 7 brothers and sisters have gotten on with their lives. They all think he's being an [censored].<P>To top it off, we were supposed to go together to the airport to pick up our 12 year old daughter New Year's day, and were going to tell her together that he had left again (he told he he never would). He came over to the house to go with me, but her flight was delayed. HE had dinner plans with some friends, so he blew us off, and went to dinner, leaving me AGAIN to tell our daughter AGAIN and break her heart AGAIN.<P>To say that she took it badly would be an understatement. She wouldn't speak to him when he called her last night. She just wanted to go and stay with her best friend. I agreed and took her there. HE called today and said he would come over after work to talk to her. I agreed. He called me later and wanted me to go get her RIGHT NOW so he could talk to her. I was touched that he couldn't wait to make amends, then during the course of our conversation, discovered that he REALLY wanted to see her early, beause he had "plans" again. I don't even think I want him back now. I think he's a selfish [censored], and I can't even understand why I want to sace our marriage, expect that I still love him. I told him to cancel his damned plans and be there for his daughter - to do the right thing for once. I was very angry - you can screw around with me feelings - I'm an adult - but don't hurt our daughter with your selfishness. He agreed, to my surprise. He'll be here at 6:30 and I'm a nervous wreck. Any ideas?

I don't know if I am too late as I am in another country. Anyway if I am hope it all worked out well. If not, sit him down after he has spoken to his daughter and ask him what he wants. I lost my mother 5 years ago and I can say that I am still hurt. I had a loving wife who made sure that even though my mother was not around she was still there in both our hearts. A mother and son have a special kind of bond. When a son leaves their mother to be with another woman the mother feels betrayed. So you can see that his mother has and will always be an influence in his life. Anniversary opf his mothers death will prop up every year and you both need to deal with this. At these times he will fell lonely and depressed. A child will always give their parents UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. So no matter how bad he treats his daughter she will always love and forgive him.<P>Do not let your husband leave on a bad note, make sure things are sorted out before he goes. Too much negativety is flowing around. Be positive and know that the truth will set you free. More is learnt in pain than in pleasure. Stop the pain and get back to LOVE. When he want to go again, ask if you can come with him as a family. He may say no, but when he walks out he will think harder.<P>All the best. Remember divorce is not the answer, it never is. Every-one including family, friends, husband, wife and children are all hurt, trust me I know.

anthonyv, you are a prince! Thanks for your reply. Our daughter was very angry with him, and, of course, the first thing he did was ask for a hug from her. When she was reluctant, he damanded one. I told him, "don't force her," and if looks could kill, I would've been cremated and scattered, but he backed up. Asked her was she so angry she didn't want to hug him? She told him yes, emphatically. I told both of them to sit down. She got it all out. Said she was mad at him, that he told her he wouldn't leave again (which he denied, at first, then later admitted), told him that she felt angry because he made Mom tell her alone again, that he dumped it on me (her words - not mine, but out of the mouth of babes...), that his "dinner date" with his friends was more important than she was, she said he was a coward, and didn't even try, etc. (Again, her words, not mine, but she couldn't be more correct!) He actually cried. When he did, she relented, but only a little. <P>Then we went outside to talk alone. I told him, quietly, nicely, that I was angry, too. That he wasn't even home two weeks, but told everyone that it "just wasn't going as we'd hoped." I corrected him - not as HE'D hoped - I hadn't given up, he did. I told him that I was angry because he puts more time and effort into his job than into our marriage, and he says he hates it there. He was so shocked, I don't think he even knew he'd nodded, yes... I told him that every time things get rough (His conscience bothers him, he feels guilty, I cry), he just runs away. That guilt is usually God's way of telling you that you f'd up. And he had. I asked him why he doesn't WANT to be happy anymore. I aked why, whenever we even start to get close to one another again, he pushes me away with both hands. I reminded him that we had had it made, before his mom died - good jobs, money, great kids, great sex (STILL!), that we were both young, and we were both alive, and fairly healthy, so why did he continue to sabotage his own happines, and mine? He didn't even answer me - just looked like I'd thrown cold water in his face. I honestly don't think that any of this had even crossed his mind before. <P>I told him I wasn't going to say any more about it, and talked about mundane things; work, the weather, the sky (we're both stargazers), and didn't make another remark about us or our situation. Just let it lie.<P>We went back inside, and I got our daughter to show him the things she brought back from her trip, and let him get some dinner. Then I told him it was time to go. He played tickle fight with her until they were both laughing. Then I played tickle fight with HIM, until we both fell down on the couch, He kissed me like he meant it. When he left, I told him I'd talk to him Thursday (he's coming over to be with her so I can get out of the house for a while), I gave him a hug and a kiss, and asked him if he could do me one little favor. He said of course, so I asked him to think about what I had said to him. He told me he already was thinking about it. <P>We did part on a good note. God, I don't want a divorce - I'm not the one who keeps pushing and pulling, or running away. I have always made myself available. When his mother died, I told him that I knew he hurt, and that I knew he had withdrawn from life, but that I would wait him out, and whenever he was ready to start living again, I'd be here - that I'd always be here. That I would wait, because I loved him, and he could talk to me about it, but he just kept pulling away. I begged him to get grief counseling, but he thinks that's only for "wimps." But, I never pulled away from him until recently, and it's only because now I'm so hurt and angry, and feel so damned betrayed. I don't even think he'd try to win me back, because it would require some effort on his part, and he believes that "love should just happen naturally - one shouldn't have to work at it at all..."<P>Maybe there is still hope, but most days I don't think so. He said he doesn't know what he wants, but, soon, I'll have to take the decision out of his hands, for my own sake, and for my daughter's sake... <P>I pray that I can still wait him out. Maybe something I said tonight actually made a dent.

It feels good when things go well. Believe me this is like toothpaste it does get in and make your teeth harder like it will your relationship. From what you have said reality will hit him, probably not for a few days but it will and like a freight train.<P>Move on your relationship slowly, because it will grow stonger everyday. My mum always said to me and I have tried to keep this with what-ever realtionship I have, "Never go to bed in an arguement work it out whether it takes all night"<P>Your going to do it I know and you and your FAMILY husband and daughter will be strong. But when things do come back to love make sure you fill each others love buckets up all the time. Don't stop when the going gets good. I am so happy that you are working things out. You are making me feel better. Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow.<P>You are a great person and I think he is realising it. Work combined with a death does drain it out of you. Advise him to look for a new job and more than half the battle is won.<P>Good luck and god bless you all.<P>Do it like there's no-one watching<BR>Do it like you don't need the money<BR>Do it like you just can't lose<BR>Just do it" Compliments of NIKE'<P>

Anthony, things have gone from bad to worse!<P>He says he doesn't want to tell me where he's going or what he's doing,<BR>because we're "separated," and that means "separate." So I guess I'm not<BR>really married anymore. Marriage is about accountability, and he wants none<BR>of that. He doesn't even ask me where I've been anymore. It doesn't even<BR>matter to him.<P>He comes and goes as he pleases, and no one should be the wiser for it, I<BR>suppose. He doesn't want me to call him unless it's an emergency. He<BR>doesn't want to see me or talk to me or touch me. He comes over Saturdays<BR>to mind Sandy when I'm working Friday night, but that's the only time I see<BR>him now. At first he said he wanted to see me and do things together - like<BR>dating - but now... I don't know. He was at the house last night, and I<BR>asked him what he's got on for Saturday night. He only said he had "plans,"<BR>sorry, but he's not available. It hurts. He's driving me away to the point<BR>where I don't think I'll be able to find my way back, even if he DOES manage<BR>to come around, somehow.<P>We're still going to Las Vegas next week - in spite of the fact that he's<BR>left again. It's all he talks about. "Only ten days, Anne - only nine<BR>days..." Let's book a couple more shows - this'll be great...I just don't<BR>get it.<P>When I got home last night, I made a pass at him, and he flat out turned me<BR>down. He said, no, he wants to wait until we get to Vegas - he wants it to<BR>be special. He doesn't want "to do it just to do it..."<P>Is that honestly what he thought I wanted from him - to "just do it?"<BR>Couldn't he even tell that I was just looking for comfort and reassurance -<BR>to reinforce the bonds which have weakened between us? Sex was our last<BR>stronghold. It was the last bond he'd allow. He won't let me call him or<BR>talk to him or see him, but he thinks this is working it out - how can you<BR>work things out with someone you never even SEE! It hurt. I won't approach<BR>him again, ever. He rejected me. He turned me away. He treated me like a<BR>whore. I never once turned him away, not once in fifteen years! Whether I<BR>felt like it or not, because I loved him, and if he needed me, I was always<BR>there.<P>And he wants to wait till our holiday? Please! He actually expects me to<BR>fall madly in bed with him like nothing ever happened. It's like he's<BR>treating this like a wedding night, only without the wedding. Or the love.<BR>Or the communication. Or the affection. Or the respect.<P>So far this whole fiasco has been about him and HIS needs and HIS feelings<BR>and what HE wants. What about what I want? I have given him everything<BR>he's demanded for months - he wanted space, I gave him space. He wanted<BR>time to think (go out with his friends) and I gave him that. He wanted to<BR>come over and get laid and then leave and not even spend the night. God<BR>help me, I even gave him that! To him, it's all about HIM and no one else -<BR>like no one else exists or matters at all but HIM.<P>What about what I want and need, Anthony? Do I get a turn at all? He never<BR>considers any one else's feelings anymore. Just his own. Nothing else<BR>counts but what he wants.<P>When I asked him if he'd been thinking about what we talked about the other<BR>night, he got angry with me; "Is that all we can ever talk about!!?? What's<BR>wrong with ME?" You know that's not what I said to him - how could he get<BR>like that? It was a simple question, but aparently the wrong one... I<BR>can't even talk to him anymore. He twists everything to his own purpose or<BR>his own way of thinking. And I walk on eggshells for fear of saying<BR>anything that would set him off...<P>I don't understand anything, except the sad fact that I'm falling out of<BR>love, and I don't think I even want this selfish, irresponsible, juvenile,<BR>cruel man back in my life again.<P>I'm afraid for him. Is that crazy? I'm afraid for HIM. Because I don't<BR>think I can take him back now. Because he waited too long and hurt me too<BR>much for me to heal. I think when we go away, he'll fall back in love and<BR>I'll fall out. I think it's already too late to repair the kind of damage<BR>he's done to me and to our marriage. I've tried and tried, truly believing<BR>that one spouse can lead the other back to intimacy, but it's beginning to<BR>look hopeless. I've withdrawn so far from him now - he just keeps pushing<BR>me away...<P>I told him he was losing me, and he only said, "perhaps that's for the<BR>best..." He could even win back my love, but he won't try because it's too<BR>much trouble, and would interfere with his new-found freedom.<P>I don't think I love him anymore... HELP<BR>