Hi all<P>I have had tonsilitus and flu for the last week and have been at home so I have'nt been intouch here I just thought I would give you all an update on my life right now.<BR>My last post addressed the problem of thinking of another man well he did come over and talk to H who inturn asked me what I thought about being friends again he said that I should decide because I was more important to him than his friend (same friend who's wife he had an emtional affair with) and if I thought we should not be friends the so be it (I told him he should decide because I would not want it thrown in my face at a later stage "its your fault that I can't see my friend anymore" kind of thing)<BR>Well he decided not to have contact with the friend at the moment.<P>Then last week 23/08/99 to 27/08/99 (whilst I was sick and could not go anywhere with him) he started his odd behaviour again wed night he said that he was going to play a few games of pool would be back at 10.00pm he came home at 5.15 am thursday morning (cell phone switched off) with explaination he lost track of time (yeh right for 7 hours!) anyway I let it slide (NO LOVE BUSTERS) then on friday night he did not come home from work at all he called at 6.pm and said he would be home in half an hour but only got home at 2.45 am sat morning needless to say I went through hell again (where is he, what is he doing etc) when he got home he was drunk (very) and he got aggressive he switched all the lights on and started banging around I woke up with a start !!! He warmed his food up in the microwave and came into the bedroom switched on the light and started to look for trouble with me I ignored him for as long as I could but when he pushed a forkfull of food into my face I hit his arm away (well that was a mistake how dare I hit him!!! not exactly what I call hit but anyway) he grabbed me by the neck and squeezed so hard that I could not breath, he then picked me up by the neck and threw me into the bed's head board then came around to where I was and carried on saying horrable things and pushing at me telling me he could kill me if he wanted to I told him to go right ahead and to it I did not care anymore. (I still don't know where he was) We have not spoken the whole week end, so I am back at work the kids are back at school MIL is about the same (still cooking for 2 households etc) and as far as the world is concerned all is well that is exept for me I don't know what to think anymore, I am getting tired of all of this just when I thought things were getting better BAM there we go again what do you all think?<P>I can't even talk to his Mom (she has a lot of influance over him) because she is a nervious wrek right now I feel so alone and for the first time a little scared he has never done this violent thing before!<P>Jenny <P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<P>

First off drunk or not any Physical abuse is wrong. Is this the first time he has been physical with you ? I don't know what to say... I don't have any experience in this area. Right now I wouldn't worry about where he was or what he was doing I would worry about your safety!!!!! He's grabbing you by the neck and choking you???? Give me a break. There is no reason that I can think of for you to put up with that. Man, I just don't know what to say. Do you feel like you are in danger?? If so you may want to consider leaving or getting the police involved. I don't want to tell you what to do, but NO ONE deserves to get beat up by their spouse......<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Jenny,<P>When I read this, I was horrified. This goes beyond where your H was and what he's been doing. This has escalated to the point where he's now violent (choking you, slamming you into the headboard, saying he could kill you if he wanted?!). If I were you, Jenny, I would get out of there ASAP, with the kids. He's putting your life in danger here, and that can't be tolerated. I'm thinking that I would have called the cops had I been in your position; your H has crossed the line of infidelity, and is now abusing you. Please, for your own sake and the kids, get someone involved here that can help you with this, and let your H know that you will never allow him to treat you like that again! I would seriously consider leaving that situation, for your own safety. My prayers are with you, please take care of yourself.

You need to remove yourself from this situation asap. The abuse will only get worse with time. Being drunk is no excuse.

It seems to me, that since he knows he can get away with infidelity, he is feeling powerful, thinking he can do anything to you and you will not go anywhere or do anything to protect yourself. And the fact that you are still there proves him right. (Being drunk will be his excuse AND yours if you try to make it OKAY in your mind).

There is no excuse for the abuse. None. But the fact it happened AND he has not shown any remorse I believe may even put you in more immediate danger.<P>I am no expert, but I think you need to protect yourself.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Abuse ain't love, honey, and it's not your fault.<P>Don't buy into his nonsense. Get the h*** out of there -- with your kids. If you have noplace to go, find a shelter.<P>Unrepentant abusers keep repeating the abuse. He'll apologize, bring you flowers, say it'll never happen again. But it will. This guy can't manage his anger, and until he gets help, this will continue.<P>Good luck, and stay strong.

This is how violent situations start. His being drunk is no excuse. He threatened your life. You can't take a chance with this.

and here's my two cents....<P>leave that no-good, mangy, addicted personalitied creature who USED to be your husband in more than name only. immediately. physical abuse has occurred and your life has been threatened. leave him a Plan B letter--stating absolutely no contact until he can prove he's in a rehabilitation program, has his anger under control, will be faithful, AND will come home when he SAYS he will. if need be, get a restraining order. any man who will threaten or act with bodily harm against his wife is also a threat around his children.<P>do what you know you should do--LEAVE NOW. let the rest fall into place later.<P>wishing you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Jenny, <P>What an horrible situation. Take the kids and get out of the house and away from that man. Abusive behavior can not be tolerated - ever. It will only get worse. Demand that he get help if he wants to see you and the kids again. <P>Jenny, you deserve so much better than that. So do your kids. What is he teaching them? He should have been home taking care of you and your kids while you were sick NOT getting drunk and giving you a beating. <P>I have a terriable story for you. A friend of my W has an abusive H. Her self esteem is now way below zero. She feels she has no where to go and that things will get better. She said all that after her H cam home drunk and started beating her up. She got away from him but the H got her 13 year old son to hold her down while he continued beating her. Jenny - GET OUT. You should not have to put up with any thing like that and your kids should never have to witness anything like that either. <P>I think ALL marriage rebuilding should be put on the back burner for now, your safety is the primary issue at this point. Please go to a shelter or a friends or relatives home something. Since he has never done this before, he needs to know right now that you will not stand for this - EVER!<P>I will be praying for you and your children's safety.<P>We are here for you Jenny.<P>SHA

Jendan-I haven't met you before but after reading your post I knew I had to reply. as the others before me stated-you have got to get out of there. You have the choice to either stay and see if he hurts you again or leave and have him get himself back together-you would be crazy to not take care of you and your children. I know it is always easy to give that advice-and not so easy to have a place to go-but you have to make the move. Let's all hope it is just a one time incident but chances are it isn't. Kind of like using cuss words-gets easier all the time Keep us all posted please as we will all be worrying.<P>HUGS<P>*heartache*

jendan,<P>After what your husband has put you through, he should be spending his time righting all the wrongs that he had done. He should be thinking up ways to show you that he loves you and finding what makes you happy right now. Rebuilding your trust and confidence. <BR>Before he hurt you emotionally and mentally, but this time it's physically, AND mentallty, AND emotionally. This time it's just too much.<P>No one deserves to be treated this way. You take some time and really think about all of this. How can someone love one when they continuously this way?<P>You have my prayers. <P>------------------<BR>Luv, Liza<P>Never fear, because God walks right beside you, and if you get tired, he will lift you up and carry you.

Hello everyone<P>Thank you all so much for caring about me I was suprised to see so many responses, I know all about abuse my Mother was abused by my step dad for 13 years really badly, so badly she was hospitalised several times and was bruised so badly(all over) and had all her hair pulled out, was knocked down by his car etc. so I do understand the seriousness of this, we spoke last night and he was very ashamed by what he had done to me especially when he asked me what those big bruises were on my legs at the back I told him that was where he threw me against the head board, he could not believe that he had hurt me so badly and asked me to forgive him, he has also promised to not drink again as he now can really see what it does to him and me (the affair was bad enough but this is far worse he said) so I will give him the benefit of the doubt this time but I let him know in no uncertain terms that if he so much as laid a hand on me again I would call the police and get a restraining order and kick him out in the street on his [censored]!! He told me that he was with a friend that works with us on friday evening playing pool and drinking just blowing off steam, he said he had had a very stressfull week, I understand that but told him that he must find another way to deal with his stress we all have stress but can't go off at a tangent every time we feel overwhelmed.<BR> Thank you all once again I really appricate your advise and will keep all you have said in mind.<P>Jenny <P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<P>

"...started to look for trouble with me I ignored him for as long as I could but when he pushed a forkfull of food into my face I hit his arm away (well that was a mistake how dare I hit him!!! not exactly what I call hit but anyway) he grabbed me by the neck and squeezed so hard that I could not breath, he then picked me up by the neck and threw me into the bed's head board then came around to where I was and carried on saying horrable things and pushing at me telling me he could kill me if he wanted to I told him to go right ahead and to it I did not care anymore...."<P>Your words. And you're going to give him the "benefit of the doubt" this time?<P>Get into counseling, yourself. Before it's too late. Do not pretend this didn't happen. It will not go away by itself.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Lucks<P>I am sure that you might think me insane to let him into my heart and life again but I think he is sincere this time, he has never been violent before and I think when he saw the bruises he realised just how bad it was for me, thank God the kids were asleep, but he realises to what they might have seen if they had woken up right then, thank you for your concern. But I will give my marrige another try, I hope and pray for the best as I am sure we all do.<P>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<P>

Jen, I don't mean to be un supportive here, but truly if you have a history of abuse in your family (your mom)then maybe it's easier for you to write this off and believe him. <P>Please, for the sake of your children, MEAN it when you threaten to kick him out if he TOUCHES you again...don't let yourself be hurt it will affect the kids for the rest of their lives.<P>I believe we are not bound to try to make marriages work that are abusive. Only you know whether or not that line has been crossed. Please remember, though, that you may not realize it (abused people rarely do) and at least consider opinions of people around you. <P>Prayers for you and your family<P>Tracy<P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Are you SURE he was playing pool on those two evenings? Long games.<P>I do strongly urge you to get into a counseling program...one that will boost your ego/strengthen you, so you will definitely follow through if your husband threatens you again. I'm hearing relief in your typing tone that your H apologized and says he won't do it again, to an extent that you may just be sweeping things under a rug. He shouldn't have done it in the first place...there is NO excuse, stressful week at work or not.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Jen, He said he had been out to blow off steam and then still came home and did this to you? Choking, bruises, and a threat to kill you are more than his being off on a tangent because of stress.<P>I certainly understand wanting to work on your marriage under difficult circumstances, but at the very least you've got to get yourself and preferably both of you into counseling.<P>You've got 12 people telling you virtually the same thing--and it is very rare to find such agreement on this board. Please be safe.

Jen,<BR> I know you love your h, and you are willing to give him another chance, ok fine if thats what you want to do. But at least do us all a favor, make a plan in case this happens again. Start buting aside some money even if it's only $5 or 10 dollars a week, have a set of keys made to the car. Confide in a friend you can TRUST leave extra clothes for you and the kids that person. If you so much as think he is going to put his hands on you that way again, get the kids and go. <BR>This worries me for you. Please watch him carefully, and keep posting, so we know you're ok. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Hello All<P>Thank you guys your concern means so much to me really it does, Debs you idea is great I will do what you say and start putting away money just incase you never know what may lie ahead. I will continue posting here so you all know I am alright and keep you all updated as to how things are going.<BR>Sad 4 now, I will make good on my threat to kick him out if he so much as raises a hand to me again this I promise you all.<BR>Lucks, playing pool I will never really be sure 100% but I drove past o.w. house and he was not there or parked anywhere in the area so perhaps he was playing pool/drinking with his work buddies(I could ask them but they don't talk you know how guys are!) You are right there is no excuse for abuse no matter what the situation might be thank you for you kind thoughts as I will now explain to Lor he won't go to councilling at all I have been and feel alot better for it but as far as he is concerned it is a no no.<BR>Lor, Thank you, I wish I could get him into counclling but he won't go, he sees it as a thing that people that are really sick in there minds do, and there is nothing wrong with him (if you know what I mean!)<P>So thank you all once again I wish you all luck in your various situations be strong and keep on trying<P>Jenny <P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<P>