I have recently lied to my fiancee. He has agreed to reconcile if I can tell him why it was so easy to lie to him. I need some help finding this out. Can anyone provide some thoughts.

Hi there!<BR>Since I don't know what it was that you lied about, I'll try to give you a very general response.<BR>Most of us (humans) have a tendency to lie. It is most common when we feel the need to protect ourselves or someone we love. A lot of people don't really realize that all kind of lying and deception is wrong, so it becomes sort of a habit. I'm assuming you lied about something pretty important, and even though you may or may not have a habit of lying about important issues, maybe it was easy for you to lie because you are used to making "little" lies.

Hi there!<BR>Since I don't know what it was that you lied about, I'll try to give you a very general response.<BR>Most of us (humans) have a tendency to lie. It is most common when we feel the need to protect ourselves or someone we love. A lot of people don't really realize that all kind of lying and deception is wrong, so it becomes sort of a habit. I'm assuming you lied about something pretty important, and even though you may or may not have a habit of lying about important issues, maybe it was easy for you to lie because you are used to making "little" lies.

Hi there!<BR>Since I don't know what it was that you lied about, I'll try to give you a very general response.<BR>Most of us (humans) have a tendency to lie. It is most common when we feel the need to protect ourselves or someone we love. A lot of people don't really realize that all kind of lying and deception is wrong, so it becomes sort of a habit. I'm assuming you lied about something pretty important, and even though you may or may not have a habit of lying about important issues, maybe it was easy for you to lie because you are used to making "little" lies.

Hi there!<BR>Since I don't know what it was that you lied about, I'll try to give you a very general response.<BR>Most of us (humans) have a tendency to lie. It is most common when we feel the need to protect ourselves or someone we love. A lot of people don't really realize that all kind of lying and deception is wrong, so it becomes sort of a habit. I'm assuming you lied about something pretty important, and even though you may or may not have a habit of lying about important issues, maybe it was easy for you to lie because you are used to making "little" lies.

Hi there!<BR>Since I don't know what it was that you lied about, I'll try to give you a very general response.<BR>Most of us (humans) have a tendency to lie. It is most common when we feel the need to protect ourselves or someone we love. A lot of people don't really realize that all kind of lying and deception is wrong, so it becomes sort of a habit. I'm assuming you lied about something pretty important, and even though you may or may not have a habit of lying about important issues, maybe it was easy for you to lie because you are used to making "little" lies.

I maybe should have given a little more information. I spoke to my fiancee, no we didn't have a ring and a date, last night. I presented him with the Rule of Honesty for a Successful Marriage. I asked him to please work with me to follow these rules to restore honesty in our relationship. He just keeps saying how can he do that when he doesn't believe he can ever trust me again. I think that he is still angry, eventhough he says he is not. How can he and I get past the fact that he doesn't trust me and thinks he will never be able to trust me again. He said he still loves me and wants to reconcile, but doesn't know how he can reconcile without being able to trust me. Can someone help us?

I am still confused as to what you lied to your partner about. But to move forward you need to realise that every-one lies and those that say they don't already have. What needs to be done is to show your partner that you can be trusted and to do this give him something to show it. Lying happens every day of your life. White lies, lies to save happiness is still a lie, and your partner also lies. <P>A relationship is built on honesty and trust. You will soon make your vowes and this will constitute part of it. Work towards that live like a married couple in your actions and thoughts.

I appreciate the kind words. How do I "show" that I can be trusted, what are some of your suggestions to "show" I can be trusted. This past week I have been telling him every little thing. I don't want to irritate him. I answer all of his questions, and he has only questioned me once. But I must move forward with him, so I can handle that. I desperately want to earn/gain his trust, what can I "do" to earn/gain this.

Dear tnalford<P>I know it is hard to show some-one that you care by just telling them. There was something that there that made you two decide to get together and potentially live together for the rest of your lives as husband and wife. You need to battle the negative interpretations you are having toward your partner. I am not advocating some kind of unrealistic "positive thinking." You can't just sit around and wish that your partner would change truly negative behaviors, but you may need to consider that your partners motives are more positive than you are willing to acknowledge. The bottom line with negative interpretations is that positive behavior is viewed negatively, and negative behavior is seen as an extension of character flaws, even if the actual intention was positive. Only you can control how you interpret your partners behavior. <P>They say you can sopmetimes see what people want by what they complain about. You partner is complaining about your honesty. Granted you lied about something. It effected him so intensly. We all make mistakes and believe me I have made heaps in my life. You know where you went wrong, he knows where you went wrong. Part of showing him that what transpired was then, live for the hear and now. Yesterday is a dream and if you keep looking at what happened and there is no promise that what was said and / or done can not be fixed then you both will not move on.<P>Stop dwelling on the past, you have made a mistake, your partner will make some to and many more. Forgive him when this happens and ask for forgiveness yourself. Love is always the answer. Don't forget love for you is different than what love is for your partner. Find out what love for him is, and tell him what love for you is. Love for you could be chicken soup, where love for him could be vegetable soup. For him to give you love you need chicken soup and for you to give him love you need to give him vegetable soup. <P>Work on what is hapenning NOW not yesterday or tomorrow. Good luck and hope everything works out. Read as much as you can from this site, there are many who have been helped. I am one of them.

I have tried to tell him that I would like to live in the present, but because this is the second time this has happened, he sticks to "I believe I can never trust you again." The first time I lied to him, I just said I will never do this again, without addressing the long term feelings I had never revealed to him. This time, to me, is different, but he of course thinks it is not. I have addressed so much, and just want him to give me one more chance. Do you have an example conversation I could have with him? I have come to him with the reasons, he says he wants to know why it was so easy to lie. I say it was to avoid disappointing him and hurting him. He says that is not the answer to his question. Now he wants a way for me to prove that I can be trusted, but he doesn't have an idea on how I can accomplish this. I don't either. Any ideas? The part about not dwelling on the past is good, but he is dwelling on the past because this is the second time it has happened. I want very much to "show" him the revelation I have had with regards to myself. Also, are there any ideas on how I can better steer clear of lying in the future? My only thoughts are to tell him everything and not do anything that I know is unacceptable to him.

Hello,<P>I would like to bring up a few things that concern me in reading what you had to say in your last response. First of all, the reason you do or should not lie about things is not to please someone else; it should be for the reason that it's just out right wrong to decieve someone else. Wrong is wrong anywhere, no matter if someone lets you get by with it one place and another doesn't elsewhere.<BR>The only way to show him that you aren't going to lie, takes not lying, and that takes time to prove. Although everyone that has been hurt, wants that guarantee that it won't happen again for sure--some big, bold action that will convince them. You will prove it with every thing you do. The only catch is that you asked at the end how can you prevent lying in the future, which shows that you still give yourself that possibility to do it again, even though maybe don't want to. Why should he blv you, when you already did it three times--lying the first time, telling him it wouldn't happen again, negating that by lying the third time. You don't think he can see that you would do it again, especially when you even give yourself that possibility? When he asks you why it was so easy, he's asking you to understand why you lie, not to hear that you're protecting him from hurt. Hello, if you're protecting him from hurt, then why did you lie and hurt him? I'm really not trying to hurt your feelings, but I think the real problem is not trying to convince him you're not going to do it anymore. The real problem is you lying. If you would deal with you and your problem of lying and truly fix it, you wouldn't need to convince him you won't do it anymore. He would see your improvement. Dearie, it's not just an action that tells people you would or wouldn't do something, BUT it is also an ATTITUDE about a person that can tell another what they are capable of, before that person even does it. If you would work on yourself and come to blv for yourself that lying is just plain wrong, it would change your attitude about how you look at it, therefore others (BF) would pick up on that. Words are cheap-anyone can say they won't do it again. It takes active adjustment in your heart and thinking to truly change yourself---that is when you will prove yourself. I really hope you understand what I'm saying. If you do-wonderful, and if you do decide to work hard on yourself and fix this (not just words now!)--the world needs more honest people. If you will do that and share with your BF what responses you've gotten to what you wrote here, I think he will be more receptive to working towards a good relationship with you. Always remember no matter what: You can't expect anyone else to work on something, when you haven't fixed what's wrong with you. If you haven't fixed yourself, you have no room to talk to anyone about what they or the both of you need to work on. I hope you come to see early the importance of ethics, not just when someone catches you! Catching someone in the act does not make it wrong; it was wrong in the first place. God watches all we do and we can't hide anything from him.

I'm going to try and make this short but tnalford you are too busy playing the game of a martyr. You said that you lied once before and he was hurt, yet you do it again. Remember people who lie have to have good memories. Telling the truth is so much easier and less pain. Sometimes the truth can move and the words change a little but in essence its still the truth. I have this saying that I have used before and it fits here. This is how you partners sees you at the moment. <P>"When a pick pocket stands in a crowd of Saints all he sees are their pockets" Think about it. He sees you as a person who continually lie, so he won't know if the truth is coming. Learn your lesson quickly and move on. <P>As to a conversation that's a hard one. His faith in you has diminished, talking about it and saying you will change has no substance at the moment. Hear the words Actions speak louder than words. If you think of telling that little white lie DON'T. Stop, look and listen. Look at the potential DANGER, what the RESPONSE maybe, and how you would REACT if what you are saying to your partner would hurt you. Our prayers are with you. Good luck

My boyfriend has reminded me that he broke off our relationship, but is trying to come to grips with a reconciliation. He told me this because for the past two days he has been out very late and has not returned my pages when I page him because I am worried and concerned. I also have a feeling that one of his dear female friends is pursuing him during this troubled time. He called me last night and said he needs to give this all to the Lord and take it from there. I am also doing this, but I have a fear that I am being selfish in my request to God to help us reconcile. I want to reconcile and I think it is the right thing. I have taken responsibility for my actions and have taken a positive approach to becoming a better person. I purchased the book "How could you DO that?" by Dr. Laura. I cried when I began reading, because I saw the bad person I was becoming by the thoughts and actions I was partaking in. I told my boyfriend all of this, and I think he was truly touched by my revelation and I think that is why he is struggling so much. He wants to trust me, but doesn't believe he can at this point. If I never purchased the book (action), I don't think he would want to reconcile. Actions truly do speak louder than words. Tomorrow is my birthday and I am feeling very lonely and sad. I don't want to burden him with anymore of our "talks", for fear I may push him away, I'm sure it is a lot of pressure right now (for both of us). I want to run to him and hug him and apologize every time I see him, but he flinches when I get too close to him. He is still hurting and so am I. Please continue to pray for us, I know we belong together and that is why I have studied and prayed to God to help in my revival of my "true" self. Please continue to provide me with thoughts, suggestions, ideas, etc. on how he and I may come to a reconciliation and an improved relationship.