<p>[This message has been edited by Lisanne (edited September 06, 2000).]

My husband travels a lot, and it is tough. Until we began to have problems, I did not realize how much damage the separtaions did. I think you need to find a way to go, maybe just for 1 of the 2 weeks (or even a long weekend?). Here some ideas: see if the principal of your 7-year-olds school could suggest a teacher who might house & kid-sit for a week...My neighbor does this sometimes when her H travels...the prin. recommended 2 lovely young teachers, one of which came to meet the kids a time or two before the first trip, and has since sat for them several times. Or, maybe your church has a college or grad student who could do the same? Your kids will mis you, but if they are with someone they have gotten to know before you leave, someone who is responsible and likes kids, they will do fine. Remember--Kids need their parents to stay in love...if you really want to do the best thing for your kids, take time to feed your marriage. <BR>Kathi

T guess I am wondering what if anything you did in the last year to develop friendships that might allow you to travel together from time to time. Are you involved in alocal church or social club. Don't you have other stay-at-home-mom friends. We often swap kids with friends. We watch their kids while they get away and they watch ours when we go. If you see this as a problem do something about it. Every married couple needs time together without kids and distractions to keep the passion alive. Does your H company offer any help? Are there nanny firms that can provide care? This problem won't solve itself!

<p>[This message has been edited by Lisanne (edited September 06, 2000).]

Lisanne,<P>You and your husband should be working on following the Policy of Joint Agreement, and coming to a compromise here. But my advice would be to tell you GO. You're putting your kids before your marriage---you may end up being a terrific single mom, if you're not careful.<P>A perfectly good compromise for this situation that I haven't seen suggested is that you take the kids along. You'll have to come up with the fare and perhaps accomodations, but that might be an option. I like Mudder's suggestion of a nanny as well.<P>You list a bunch of material items (great job for h, living in mountains)---don't EVER let those get in the way of your marriage!<P>And let your husband know how you feel about this (without lovebusters), and use the POJA to come to a compromise that you both enthusiastically support.

<p>[This message has been edited by Lisanne (edited September 06, 2000).]

Lisanne,<P>I'm not sure that you fully understand the MarriageBuilding principles, and what you say indicates that you either don't get it our don't understand.<P>No one has indicated that you should treat your children like pets (although we treat our pets pretty well...). You have very valid concerns for issues such as who should be raising your children should you die---but I'd also caution you that statistically, the chances of you and your husband dying together in a plane crash are infintessimal. However, there's a greater than 50% chance that you will divorce (statistically speaking). <P>In the risk analysis business, I'd tell you to concern yourself with things that have a high probability of happening, and causing serious harm. And divorce is on top of the list.<P>You apparently came here wanting someone to tell you that a DEMAND to your husband not to go would be OK. Well, selfish demands in a marriage are never OK---they don't build love between spouses.<P>However, you're now ready to "sacrifice". Guess what---that's just as damaging to your marriage as demands. YOU will build up resentment that your husband isn't aware of.<P>I would try to introduce your husband (and yourself) to the policy of Joint Agreement, and the rules for negotiation. You need to come to an agreement that is "win-win" for both you and your husband. If you don't, you ARE risking the marriage that you say is so important to you. These concepts are covered in detail in Dr. Harley's book "Give and Take", and I would suggest that you order it. If you have problems with implementing these concepts, Steve Harley at MarriageBuilders is an excellent phone counselor, and I would suggest that you give him a call.<P>Your problem at this point appears pretty minor (from where I sit---I'm sure that it doesn't seem that way to you ). But if you don't learn how to deal with these issues, these minor problems are going to be major issues. You have several good solutions available---you and your husband need to brainstorm to figure out which of these solutions suits you the best. <P>Learn how to be flexible. How to listen to alternative solutions. How to negotiate. All these skills, properly used, will bring your husband and you closer together.<P>Good luck!

If you're that concerned about plane crashed, take separate flights. <P> You sound rather socially isolated. Do you ever go out? Who babysits? It may be a small town but there must be some reliable person in the area who would like to earn a bit of extra money. <P>Or maybe you could take advantage of your Grandmother's offer and hire extra help for her so see was acting more as an overseer than caretaker. This could be fun for your kids too, they get to know some relatives better and do different things for a while.<P>Most of us have kids too and know that sometimes things get very complicated, but try to come up with a solution here. I think your H would really appreciate it.

<p>[This message has been edited by Lisanne (edited September 06, 2000).]

Lisanne:<P>It’s not the “parents only vacation” that is so vital. The important factor is being able to make decisions and negotiate using the policy of joint agreement.<P><P>------------------<BR>Scott

Lisanne--<P>You've received a lot of great advice. K's suggestions, as always, are quite valid.<P>While I don't mean to sound alarming, one (of the many) reasons my first marriage ended in divorce was lack of couple time without the kids. That aspect was mostly my fault. As a child, I was never babysat myself by anyone other than a grandparent. After the arrival of my children, I took great pride in rarely using babysitters, and by the time my H was promoted into a high level position, I was so into my no-babysitter pattern that it seemed too complicated and nerve-racking for me to find one (new city, few friends, no relatives). While my H understood my strong convictions of "being there" for the kids, I did not meet his needs as a supportive wife. The resulting social calendar required by his new job became a chore for both of us, with either him not going and feeling work guilt, going by himself, or we went and I was miserable from the scramble of actually FINDING a suitable babysitter and not the most pleasant escort. Now while this was certainly not the only reason for the demise of our marriage and he was also not meeting MY needs, in retrospect, I do believe it was an important one. We grew apart as we continued not meeting each other's needs.<P>I would suggest also that you find a way to go, and without the children. The kids themselves will enjoy an interesting, different week, and it's a small amount of time in the big scheme of things. Your H will be able to happily go on this business vacation for his career, AND with his W (his favorite activity partner) at his side. He won't feel "strange" having to explain why you weren't able to accompany him.<P>One idea may be to call your H's work and talk with people there. Who is babysitting the other couples' children? Find out! Calls to work places became a primary source for me throughout the years for doctors, schools, day cares, etc. Perhaps another couple has a GEM of a babysitter who would be willing to watch yours too/a bit more salary for her and a bit less for both couples to have to pay. If this pans out, make arrangements to get together with this person a few times before the trip. Your children will feel comfortable that way, and you will feel less nervous yourself. While on vacation, you will of course call nightly and speak to the babysitter AND the children.<P>Don't let your "mommy mode" overshadow your H's important need--this vacation and you with him. I believe you're right; it's even more important this year because you didn't go with him last year. And think of it positively...your children will enjoy the week too! The interaction with others, esp. given your choice of homeschooling (not knocking it, it's quite admirable), will be a good experience.<P>I hope you can figure it out. Think of the great vacation awaiting YOU too! <P>

<p>[This message has been edited by Lisanne (edited September 06, 2000).]

I have a suggestion that might work. Why don't you hire a nanny(I'm sure you could find a nanny service) and take her and the kinds with you. Him/her can stay in the hotel room next to you with the kids. This way your kids aren't far from you. You get to enjoy time with your husband without the kids, but there not that far away. My mom is a nanny and she goes on vacations with couples and entire families. She also sometimes takes kids to the grandparents and stays with them. <P>It might be a good idea for you and your kids if they spent sometime with someone besides just you. The more they are around others the easier it will be for them to stay with a babysitter or nanny. <P>Other than this vacation, when do you get a break? When do you get your private time? Having your own time aside from your kids is also vital to a healthy marriage and a healty life.<P>It seems like you've made sacrifices for your kids and husband's employment, but what about your quality of life. If you're this isolated from others how are your kids going to learn to interact effectively in the world? HOw are you going to have a balanced life?

<p>[This message has been edited by Lisanne (edited September 06, 2000).]

Lisanne,<P>If you had the total power to choose what you want in this situation, would you choose to find a responsible babysitter, or would you choose for your husband to stay home and not make the trip?

<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lisanne (edited September 06, 2000).]

Lisanne,<P>What has been your husband's input regarding a solution? Is he unable to come up with any ideas at all, or just none that you both find agreeable?<P>

My husband's attitude is that I expect too much from others. He says that no one is going to be as alert and involved and protective of the kids as I am...but he leaves it up to me to try to make friends or find someone I can trust. This is becoming more of an issue because of the fact that living in such a small place really limits you in more ways than having no shopping malls or museums.

Lisanne,<P>Sorry if I seem to have all questions and no answers. Does your husband leave it to you because he doesn't want to deal with it? Has he come up with any solutions or possible sitters that he feels are suitable but you do not? I am asking because of your reference to his implication that your expectations are too rigid.

Not really. We've really been unlucky coming up with people who are available to babysit. Of course, babysitting for a few hours is one thing...caring for kids for 7 days and 7 nights is another thing entirely. Most people have their own kids, appts, jobs, the teenager we've employed goes to school and has basketball practice...the best would be a healthy active grandmother type with lots of ideas, stamina and reliability.