I am so upset and angry with my husband right now I don't know how to handle it. We have been married for almost 10 years - 2 kids, 10 and 4. We have had a lot of problems in the past and we are at a point now that things have been going pretty good for the last few months. My husband has a jelousy problem that still exists which he has no reason to have. He has always been jealous but has only been able to come out and actually falsely accuse me in the last year. In the last six months he has accused me of sleeping with four friends of ours. I have no desire or even thought to even think of cheating on him with these people or anyone else it was just his paranoia, it has really hurt me that he doesn't trust me and has damaged our relationship more than he can understand.<P>Well that issue isn't the one that is the problem this time, everything has been going wonderful, but now I have to think he was trying extra hard for another motive. Last november, I went away with my two sisters (10 years older than me ) and my cousin (7 years older-I am 32) to New York, it was a free trip, free condo, and my one sister really wanted me to go - she has MS and I thought it would be a once in a life time chance especially since the disease is starting to attack her to do something with them My husband has gone on several out of town ski trips and left me and my young daughter at the time home many,many times, he also buys a $600 ski pass every year, he quickly has forgotten all the trips he has gone on, and says that a ski pass is a necessity and his excuse is if I want to go and join a gym or something like that I can and I can't justify spending money on a trip to him buying a pass. Well I told him years ago that I would go on a trip one day, well when he was going away on his little trips - he said go ahead sure, well 5 years later and that opportunity has come He didn't say anything about it until a couple days before I went, after it was booked. He first said I didn't know you were going to go for 10 days - which I did tell him several times, but as usual he didn't listen, he got all pissed off and said well I am going somewhere with my buddy then(which is his age (31) and SINGLE). Whatever, I said - GO. Its like he feels like he has to be vengefull and get back at me for going away. <P>Well last night, valentines day, he was so incredible, he bought me chocolates, a bottle of liquor and a beautiful card that said what he loved about me, which now feels like it was all done with a motive and not truly meant- since this never happens -especially the card thing. At the end of the night he says - I don't know how to say this but I want to go to Mexico with Cam - NEXT MONTH, we have to book it tommorow. Well I blew up, not for the reason of going, but for the reason that we are flat broke! I do all the budgeting and bill paying which he doesn't want to have to handle, I also bring home most of the money. We have an extra $500 pmt for the next 4 months, plus a wedding which I am a part of - out of town, and bills and vehicles to fix. I told him - which he totally denies - several times, that we have this big bill and the next months are going to be tight until after the wedding. What really angered me is that he has been talking it over with his friend for at least a couple of months and hasn't mentioned a word to me until VALENTINES DAY and the day before they have to book it. He got really angry with me and told me that I am trying to attack him, and that I would do anything to stop him from going - which is totally untrue. Sure it would bother me a bit that he is going away with a SINGLE guy who likes to party and drink at a time when we have been going through problems in our marriage mainly his trust issues - which I believe that the one he can't trust is not me but maybe himself I was honest and told him that "I want to be honest with you and tell you that of course it would bother me and I would worry about you which is only natural, but I wouldn't stop you from going" Now he is so angry with me and keeps saying you didn't tell me about this big bill - which is actually - he didn't LISTEN to me telling him - and he just wants to DROP it as usual. I told him if he wanted to go away, he has to save for it and tell me way before a month before. Its like he wants to get back at me. I have a feeling that his friend may lend him the money to go which I do not feel comfortable about at all, especially when we have so many other bills.<BR>I don't know what to do - I can forsee this causing a big problem with us and having a lot of fights coming . Please give me some advice on how to get through to my husband. - I am very upset. What do I say if his friend offers to pay, I really don't feel right about that. <BR>

Fed up,<P>The problem here is not about a trip or jealousy or money. It is about bad communication between you and your H. I'm not talking about anything related to this specific incident either. It is clear that you both are talking to each other but there is little real communication. Please go to the web pages on this site and read about "love busting" and how to avoid it. After you read that section you will probably realize that when you blew up last night you were most likely guilty of love busting. All communication ceases when love busting begins.<P>You should also read about Policy of Joint Agrrement (POJA). What this principle states is that neither of you will do anything without the enthusiastic approval and support of your spouse. I have learned from experience that when my wife would say, "whatever, go ahead" I would not enjoy whatever activity she had passively ok'd. It also meant that what ever problem she had went unresolved. <P>The last thing you need to eplore here on this site is how to meet each others emotional needs. I sense that both you and your H have unmet emotional needs. Unmet emotional needs are the root cause of most marital discord. <P>If you can, get you H to read these sections too. Even if you can't, you read them and then act on them.<P>I'm sorry there is no quick fix for your present dilema about the trip. It sounds like it would be best to postpone this trip or any major decision until you two can work on better communication and the use of the POJA.<P>All of the areas mentioned in this post can be accessed from this address <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html</A> <P>God Bless<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited February 15, 2000).]

Thank you so much for responding, you are totally right about not communicating, I have tried to show my husband that it is a major problem in our relationship but he totally refuses to even listen. There is no way he would read any of that, he would tell me its a bunch of crap. <BR>I just talked to him on the phone and as expected his friend offered to pay, I told him we will have to talk when we get home. I don't feel this is right, but I don't believe I could make him stay, anything I say will make him angry and he will end up going. I will read the sections, I have read POJA,and some of the love busters, I know I shouldn't of blew up - but it is so much easier said than done. Thanks again for responding.

Fed up,<P>I know it seems hopless but after ten years change will take time. Please don't commit financial suicide but consider if there is any way you can financially swing letting him take the trip. Regardless of what your position is you must resolve (before you leave for home) that you will NOT under any circumstances love bust during your conversation tonight. Perhaps this apporach might work. <P>You might start by saying...<P>"I can tell that going on this trip is very important to you"<P>"I really want you to be able to go too"<P>"My only real concern is a financial one"<P>"Can we sit down and figure out if this trip for you, can happen and not jepordize our financial stability?"<P>"Here are the things that we already have on our financial plate"<P>"I'm sorry if some of these are a surpise to you. I'll try to keep you better informed from now on."<P>"Knowing what you know now, do you have a plan for how to pay for this trip?"<P>"You know if we just wait a couple of months maybe you and I can go to Cancun together!!"<P>Fed up, I'm just guessing that he might have his jaw drop if you approach the subject this way. Remember to not love bust even if he makes a sarcastic comment. Be sincere. Focus on his needs. These are very irresistable characteristics in a woman!<P>I'll be praying that your talk goes well.<P>God Bless!

fed up--<P>Mudder's exactly on the mark with his advice. Work on the communication skills. My H and I used to go ROUND AND ROUND with poor communication; it was sheer hell. I read sev. books, all the information found at this web site, and realized...no matter how "right" I felt I was about an issue, he felt the same way--"right!" I finally decided no matter how upset I became, I would NOT make him the brunt of my emotion, and I would NOT rise to the bait in reverse if it should so occur. Smooth sailing ever since, even on our most disagreeable subjects. Even smoother when I started doing and saying nice things, EVEN when I was angry; he responds, and we're able to work things out. <P>I'll tell you right now, no matter what you feel the original agreement was concerning the trip you took--your H is now seeing this trip to Mexico as the SAME THING you just enjoyed. He may even remember your talk then but rationalizes it to his advantage now. You're probably doing a lot of rationalizing too! Stop the blaming, and tit for tat. Using the info. found here at this website, talk about the situation, just like Mudder suggests. Calmly--no lovebusters. Lay everything on the table, but carefully in order to stay on subject. There's nothing worse than a discussion that bounces back and forth from subject to subject, with tension rising! Express first/resolve second. <P>I completely understand your concerns about H going on a vacation with a single friend. You'll have to approach that part of the discussion gently--although it's your concern, that's the person who is available TO spend time with your H. One of my H's friends is single, now with a live-in GF who flirts w/my H (grrrr). A few months ago, the two guys went to an all-day rock concert. H understood my worries and we were able to agree to him going w/a short list of no-no's that soothed me. Perhaps if you both end up agreeing to H going, you can agree on regular phone calls to check in, and what you both feel may be inappropriate activities he will forego. And your finances are a definite part of the picture. H's friend will have to realize you won't be able to repay him quickly--as long as that's okay.<P>Let us know how things turn out. Good luck!

Well, I tried what you said and it went okay without too much yelling. I told him I was concerned about the financial part and that I did want him to be able to go. I said that with such short notice it would be hard to come up with that kind of money, if you can figure out a way than go for it. He said "it doesn't matter now, there is no way I can go." He was sarcastic and basically said that I was trying any way for him not to go and that he didn't tell me before b/c he didn't want a feeling of resentment in the air, and that he didn't know that we had to pay such big payments for the next few months to pay off a bill - which I did inform him about and he totally denies that I even said anything about it, (or maybe it was that he just wasn't listening to me as usual). I told him that it hurt me alot more that he kept this from me and that he waited until the DAY BEFORE he had to finalize a plan to even mention it to me. I then stuck my foot in my mouth by saying it was like he was buttering me up (and then I thought SH*** I shouldn't of said anything like that - old habits die hard), he ended getting upset with that even though I didn't finish my sentence, I told him that all I was concerned with now is the financial part and that I wasn't informed before and that he should take a role in the finances so he can see where we are at. I told him how stressful it is trying to juggle it all on my own. Well it ended like that, and he actually ended up giving me a kiss good night at the end of the night, it sounded like he wasn't going and he was going to be okay with it. Well I was wrong, he was still trying to find a way to go this morning I talked to him and I did mention that maybe we could still look at it and try to figure something out if his buddy was lending him the money, well then he then tells me that it is going to cost double what he said in the first place and he wants to try and put off a bill payment, and then he says he is really choked about the "buttering up" comment and just got plain mad at me, I was shocked at the amount and said to him your picking the high season to go and that you have to figure out all the extra costs that are going to be involved and then we can look at how much you need, then he just got madder and said that "your just trying to get me not to go" which was not my intention - he doesn't think of how much money this is going to drop us into the hole, there are extra taxes, plus daycare fees which are going to have to be spent too, (he doesn't work in the winter and takes care of the kids and skiis 2 or 3 days a week). I am starting to get very upset that he thinks that its okay to put off bills and put us in debt, and have us scraping by and take off to Mexico. Especially when he went out and bought a ski pass and skiis 2 or 3 days a week - which ends up costing more with b/c he puts my daughter in daycare those days, he could of put off some of those ski days and saved that money to go away. When I went away, I had everything paid for by my sister and my mom - (my sister works for the airlines), I did have some spending money of my own but at that time we had some extra and he bought his ski pass and spent some money on himself too. It didn't in anyway affect our finances. How do I get through to him - he is so angry right now and I really don't want him going away with that kind of attitude towards me. What I really want to tell him is that I want him to grow up and take some financial responsibility and realize that we shouldn't be jeapordizing our financial state . I believe if you are going to go away on a trip - you have to be able to pay for it, if you are scraping by and have big bills at the time - that is not the time to be going. He says that I spent money when I went away and that money spent on his ski pass and ski days and ski accessories can not be compared to a trip away - that's recreation and if I want to buy a gym membership or something go ahead. My mom and dad have bailed us out several times, and now that I am making good money , I don't want to have to ask them again. Its like my husband thinks we can work it out no problem, even though he is not the one that has to even think about our finances, he just goes out and spends the money! It is so hard not to get mad and start yelling, I am trying really really hard not to love bust - I just hope I can keep my mouth shut.