Help!!!<BR>I have been married to my husband for a year and a half. The whole time I was made to feel that he loved me very much (even though we had plenty of problems). In the last year we have been through a lot. I had a miscarriage last May and he was pretty unsupportive of me through it all. He initiated a secret non-physical affair with a co-worker in July (our one year anniversary). We also built a new house in July. I found out about the affair in December. I was very suspicious at the time but he made me feel like I was being silly. Right after I found out about the affair, I also found out I was pregnant. I was very hurt over this affair and basically stopped trying. We started counseling but I don't feel the person we were seeing was very qualified in helping save marriages. Instead, he would always focus on the opposite. I messed up by continuing to expect him to behave perfectly and to treat my like a Queen because of his actions. I also continually threw it in his face that I was thinking of leaving. Whenever we fought, I brought up divorce. We had our good days and our bad for a month and a half. Christmas went well, but after my husband had time alone with the counselor one session, I could tell something was different. He withdrew from me. He went to my ultrasound with me on a Friday and left that night...No fight or anything. <P>The thing that stumps me is that he says he loves me, he says he is excited about the baby, he says he is attracted to me, but won't come back. I have begged, pleaded etc. Nothing works. I have realized a lot of things that I did wrong and want a chance to make them right. He won't even attend joint counseling with me. When we see each other, there is definitely an attraction. He says he is not sure he is in love with me. He keeps on bringing up the possibility of reconciliation, but gives time frames of months or years. Yesterday he took my daughter and myself out for dinner for Valentine's Day and he ended up staying after we tucked her in and we made love. It was wonderful, but he still left after. He says I make him feel like he's not good enough and my expectations of him are too much. I have realized he is right and am more than willing to work on it. He doesn't think people can change in 25 days. <P>HELP!!!!!<P>------------------<BR><p>[This message has been edited by desperate in Idaho (edited February 19, 2000).]

You are in a very difficult place. His actions sound like he could be in or contemplating an affair. Or, maybe he is just working thru things...<BR>Either way, you can (and should)go into Plan A...it is a good place to improve your marriage from whether there is another person involved or not. Read the Basic Concepts stuff on the homepage and the article on Plan A/B" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <P>Think carefully and be sure you are not reacting too hastily about your pregnancy...it is a very personal choice, but one you don't want to regret later.<P>Good luck.<P>Kathi

I just talked to him on the phone and my heart is still beating wildly. He asked me if I had a good day and told me he did. He was referring to the fact that we made love last night. I don't regret it at all. His love language is physical touch and I tried to show him in a loving, caring way that I love him. My problem is that I think that our counselor steered him in the wrong way. He told me that the counselor encouraged him to leave if he wasn't happy. He is very protective of the counselor and as of right now, won't consider another. I love him so much! I want us to be a happy family! I know he loves me and is attracted to me but how can I convince him to give the marriage another chance?

Dear Desperate,<P>You really can save this marriage. Your husband is not sure what he wants, but the good news is he hasn't ruled you out. The difficulty is he may be interested in someone else.You've been the one worrying about the relationship up until now. Stop the chase!<BR>What you must do now is not let him have it both ways. He needs to start wondering if he can get YOU back! Beleive it or not, there is a loving way to do this.<BR>In the coming weeks, you must do all you can to let him feel that he is not trapped, but free to go.Stop begging and pleading. It only makes him disrespect and pity you.People do not fall in love with people they either disrespect or pity. It is impossible.<BR>Start acting confidently, like you're going to make it regardless of his decision. When he calls, be non-chalant.If he asks you how your day went, be matter of factly about it.<BR>Also, don't be so available when he calls or comes over. Make real plans for yourself in your spare time, doing things you really enjoy. Make yourself happy.<BR>If your husband loves you, and I believe he does, he will become the chaser. He will wonder to himself all the things you have been wondering lately, and come out of withdrawal. <BR>Be patient. Don't burn your bridge back to him, but don't put up with being mistreated and disrespected by him.You must be loving without being needy. Good luck and I will pray for you and your husband.

Dear Desperate,<P>Yes, you can save your marriage alone!<P>I recommend the book "How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together" by Susan Page. <BR>here is the link to the book at amazon.com:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0767900421/o/qid=950717213/sr=8-1/002-6852449-9917062" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0767900421/o/qid=950717213/sr=8-1/002-6852449-9917062</A> <P>It has a lot of good advice on how you can improve your relationship by acting alone. In the meantime, try going to a therapist with your husband. Advice for now: don't be spiteful to your husband, don't pressure him, show him real empathy. He will come back when he feels he is wanted for who he is.<P>Good luck,<BR>Kenneth

Thank you for your advice. I am torn between stopping the chase and showering him with acts of love like cards, e-mails etc. I appreciate the advice from males on this because I know that a female would appreciate those things. My biggest fear is "out of sight, out of mind". He has chosen NOT to attend joing counseling. Instead, he wants us to work on ourselves through individual counseling. His counselor is NOT encouraging him to try at all. My H keeps saying MY actions will determine the outcome, but doesn't give me much hope of a reconciliation any time in the near future. Patience is SO hard! Life without him is SO hard! He is now living with his sister who is babying him and taking care of him. He has the best of both worlds. Freedom and an acting wife. He is getting attention from this whole sitation from his family. Life with his family has not been easy to say the least! He says he doesn't miss being married because he can do what he wants, when he wants.

I'm not sure if he's contemplating an affair or not. I do know that when he spent Valentine's Day with me and left at 9:30, he said "Well, at least you know there is nobody else since I was with you all Valentine's Day". He has led me to believe this has nothing to do with another woman, just with being unhappy and the arguing. He is kind've high maintenance and needs his ego fed a lot. When I was hurt about the affair, I pulled back a lot. After reading through the Basic Concepts I see where I went wrong, but now feel like I don't even have an opportunity to fix it. Should I call him? Should I e-mail him? Should I send him cards? Should I leave him alone? When I pulled back before he mentioned that it seemed like I was giving up.

I have one more question for you men out there... If his departure is because of unfulfilled emotional needs and not feeling "good enough" because of his mistakes, will continuous deposits into his LB help? When I sent him an Internet card yesterday he seemed pleased.

It sounds like your instincts are right. He reponds well when you show him love. Consider talking with him about what he wants in a wife, and what you want in a husband. You might find that's what you already have in each other, you just don't know it.<P>Good luck.