I have been married for almost 10 years and this is my problem. I will try to keep it simple. My H doesn't like to come home. It has always been this way and has always been a source of conflict, but he just doesn't get it. He goes to happy hour with buddies from work and comes home whenever he feels like it. (never calls, either, BTW) We have 5 kids ages 4 -12. ( He does come home 3 nites/wk, when I work the evening shift.) He misses most of the kids games, concerts, etc. I have never wanted o be a nagging wife but have tried asking nice yelling, ignoring, the whole 9 yards. nothing will get him to change his behavior. Our anniv. was a few weeks ago. I called him at 4 to ask him to go right home as I had to meet my sister. called him back at 5:30, he's at the bar. said he'd be home in 45 mins. He got home at 10:00. I had put the kids to bed made dinner, and ate alone at 9:00. Needless to say, I blew a gasket. We didn't speak for a week and a half. Then, I got a babysitter and made arrangements for us to go out and talk. I had a notebook and allso we could list some compromises and really get something done. WE went out, had a great time together but didn't get things done cuz we ran into people we knew. His M.O. is to ignore everything till I get over so I insisted that we still needed to talk. He called on Friat 5 to see what was up. We would walk down to the corner tavern after the kids were in bed. okay C ya in a bit. He got home at 10:45. The kids had been in bed nearly 3 hours, and now I am pissed. He acts like everything is hunky dory. This too shall pass. I am so ready to call a lawyer. Nut only is he treating me and his family with careless disregard and disrespect, he is teaching his kids that it is normal to be at bars instead of with his family or watching them play ball. How do I get this man to see that I am serious. I have put up with it this long, thinking of the kids, but they are already in a dysfunctional family, so I can't use that as an excuse anymore. Am I being selfish?

Most persistant problems in any marriage are the result of poor communication. Remember that effective communication is not just stating your case but rather being understood. There are a couple of concepts that are outlined on this site that can help you and your H on the road to a healthier relationship. They are:<BR>The Love Bank<BR>Emotional Needs<BR>Love Busters<BR>Policy of Joint Agreement<P>Go to the home page here at Marriage Builders and click on Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts. Read through these and determin to implement them. Then ask your H, using everything you have learned, to read them as well. Then find some time to sit down and talk through these concepts with your H. You will need to follow these concepts even before your H does if you want to see improvement. That doesn't sound fair but you are the one that wants things to change so you have to change the things that are in your control and that is you. <P>Also a word of caution. The pattern that you describe in your post is one that has been in place for a long time. Correcting this destructive pattern will take time. Set your sights on realistic signs of improvement. Just a side question. Does your H have a problem with Alcohol abuse? Let us know what your questions are after reading the stuff on this site.<P>God Bless!<P><BR> <BR> <P> <P> <P> <P><BR> <P> <P> <P>

Thanks for you prompt reply. I have read over all the ponts in this sight. I have 2 fears: that he won't read and/or follow them and that it will be fine for a time but then go back to the way it is now. We went to counseling 1 1/2 years ago, and it was basically a trash Therese seesion. He decided that if I wasn't going to change than he wasn't wasting 100 bucks a week. I don't know, I guess I feel so hopeless at this point. I feel like nothing will work and just as soon live without the pain he causes than give him a chance. He's had far too many chances already.