Hi there! My story is long too. I will try to contain myself. I found out about the books by Dr. Harley from the radio and then the web site from the book. I am not sure that that is so good because it is making me aware of how much my H and I have to work through to make it or not. Everything, I mean everything on this site pertains to my H and I. Except infidelity still a question there? His libido has been in question for the four years I have known him, one excuse after the other so it may just be him or he may have always been unfaithful. There is a history of it. You pick the subject and please reply. I am 44 and have three children from my first 18 year marriage. 2 are out of the house thanks to him, boy 21 and girl 19. The 15 year old is here, and our 20 month old daughter, his first and only. He is 42 in May and I am his fourth wife. Dah! The flags were there some but I was in love....In ways I am trying to save him from himself, and us from him. I have turned into a person I don't like because of the failure of him to keep the promises of marriage in all ways, as you guys out there can probably imagine. All in attempts to save our marriage and make it what it has the potential to be. He has always threatened to be out of this relationship in one way or another from the beginning, until I started calling his bluff and then finally telling him to go myself. We have been separated a month now again. I think he is trying to get his way back in again but won't say anything except he doesn't want to get kicked out again. If he were a H to me and commit he wouldn't have to worry about that. We have had domestic violence, and he is very emotionally and verbally abusive. There seems to be no way to get sex from him unless he wants it. I don't know if he is just stupid how it is suppose to be, doesn't care, is cheating, or just very selfish. He bought his own copy of the book, and says he'll read it and has started it, His Needs Her Needs, but didn't like it so far about all the infidelity stuff if your needs are met. I told him I believed it all, and I think he was really worried about me for a change if my needs don't start getting met. He threatened papers again if I stand in the way of his seeing his daughter. I deny him to get him to see he has to respect my feelings whether I am up to dealing with him or us or not. I let it go and don't cause issue there cause I don't want him taking her from the house to visit. When he left this evening I called him right after he left and he heard the baby crying for daddy in the background (not on purpose) she started just as he answered, and he said she was having a hard time, and I said yeah I live with it every day. He said I should have thought of that before I kicked him out. I told him he needed to realize and think about what he was doing and to look at it all for her and himself with me, or without me, or anyone else in the future. I have not been a perfect wife, and I do have my own stuff mostly caused by being neglected and not a priority or made to feel disposable and not important and valued but I have given this man everything a man could want, and more. He doesn't see it that way at all of course. I have given nothing, when I have, he has never left he has been kicked out, I am the one who is abusive. All the broken promises are getting to be too much, and the expectations, and the needs getting met. I don't know anymore, I am putting a lot of faiith in God and Dr. Harley with God and a lot of prayers, and this sight. I hope he reads the book and it can be the tool w/ the step by step we need to help us get through this crisis in our marriage. REALLY PICK A SUBJECT IT IS US! Along with our own baggage from the past, and baggage we have created between the two of us. Blended families, no money, no counseling anymore. It is really bad, but I do see hope from him , and myself. I know we love each other and we have this pull towards each other always, even in the midst of this. Only God can save us though I know. Please reply with any help on any subject. We met in 1996 and were married in May of 1998 just before our daughter was born in July of 1998. We will be married 2 years this May. Holidays mean nothing to him, and I pray that one turns out the way I hope it could. Pray for us please!

Get a really good lawyer who has extra training in dealing with domestic violence. You need to negotiate from a position of legal strength, as well as moral strength. Take the DV very very seriously, your children's lives depend on it. Did you say you had already sacrificed your older children for the dude? IMHO any spouse who demands that has forfeited the right to be named spouse.<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

What is IMHO? He did not demand they move out, just the old strict stuff where they go to work, sleep till noon, pull boners, don't help out as much as they should, disrespect, they aren't learning anything.....he has helped them a lot though, and they were making it all a problem between he & I. I agreed with him but, couldn not let them go and where else could they turn, but at the same time couldn't afford to keep supporting them, and their mistakes....their dad isn't much help either.

Also it sounds like you are telling me to Divorce him when I want to be in a position of reconciling my marruage, yet we are not living together and he is still verbally uncaring when we talk on the phone...saying things like I am not nice to him, and if I was really in love with him I would be nice to him, and do such and such.....telling me I don't matter, and he doesn't want to be nice to be anymore and a mirrage of hurtful things....never I miss you and our family or anything like that? Yet he hasn't filed papers, and seems to want the marriage to work out, but isn't changing. He bought the book, His Needs Her Needs but hasn't found the time to read much of it, and I am about ready to believe his actions, and file papers myself...but I really don't want to for the sake of the family, myself, our daughter, and the commitment I have made for better or for worse....anyone please help?

No. Not saying to divorce! You said:<P>"We have had domestic violence, and he is very emotionally and verbally abusive."<P>Get good legal advice to know where you stand and how to protect your options. If your marital relationship has had, or has, any violence, you need to really be attuned to protection of yourself and your child. That's all I'm saying. Then, from an informed and possibly protected position, you can safely work on the relationship.<P>I will be happy to pray for you both if you want me to.<P>Love, <BR>K<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

Karenna,<BR> I had talked to a family law attorney here in Ohio back in Nov. She seems very informed on DV and control issues, and all of that. I was considering a legal separation, with an ex-parte of custody to protect myself and our daughter. He loves her so much and I was afraid that he would get stupid and try to take her from her home just to get back at me. It seemed that that would not happen then so I didn't go forward with it. We seemed like we were going to be able to work things out. Now at times he goes back and forth between saying saying things like you don't matter when you act like you do, and I don't want to be nice to you anymore, and threatening financial ruin, hoping life will bite me in the butt, as he thinks it should. I am a stay at home mom and he is our provider. To going to church with us yesterday, and having us to lunch at his mom's (where he is living), and seeming like he wants it to work (probably still on his terms)but that it is going to take time and doesn't happen over night. When I ask how much time he doesn't have any answers, and I say I don't have much time left in me anymore. I want him back BAD, but not like it was. From all the Christains I talk to you don't work out a marriage being separated. I am afraid of the stats that say most people who remain separated never reconcile! We were suppose to try to talk about things after church yesterday when he was suppose to come by here, as it turned out and went the other way with lunch that never happened, and I never heard from him the rest of the day. I was faced with more lies from him yesterday about his activities, either point blank or by ommission. Involving a couison of his that he bailed out of jail on Sat. for what I don't know, who is 40 something too, and according to his sister has a problem with incest with her, and find out he has been taken in by my H parents to stay there too. Was lied to and not informed about that. He knows how I feel about this man, and he will not be alone with our daughter EVER or touch her EVER! I am afraid they will decide something stupid like getting a place together , and where will that leave us? If that happens thinking that IS when I WILL file papers myself. I mean gosh if he can plan that and not plan to come back home, gees???? I kicked him out this time due to neglect mostly, and all our stuff. He wasn't living here but was going to stay here that night and I asked him to leave. Cause he was saying the vows meant nothing if we were going to be miserable the rest of our life? How long do you go on hopeing and living in a fantasy of how and when it will all change and work out, or making decisions based on reality of how they are, and accepting and just giving up? If I file to get his attention, and give him a kick in the butt to decide what it is he wants it may all backfire on me to a divorce I do not want? As in church yesterday, yeah Jesus said to these people take your time, do what you want......NOT he said either in or out, NOT lukewarm, HOT or COLD would be better, get in and have a passion and committment to it or go on get out I don't want to be bothered, or talk to you about it? <BR>Thanks,<BR>Celest

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>From all the Christains I talk to you don't work out a marriage being separated.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am afraid I disagree with the Christians you have talked with then. The purpose of separation is to maintain the love you have for one another while attempting to reconcile the marriage. Sometimes this is put into effect for safety issues. <P>To stay in an abusive situation without lots of support reduces your effectiveness, particularly when you have a multitude of feelings going on and when you have been emotionally drained via emotional abuse. <P>The space of separation keeps the love intact and allows space for you to grow stronger emotionally and identify what you can and cannot live with, helps you to clarify your thoughts to be able to state your limits and to be able to negotiate issues which have an impact on both of you.<P>If you need prayer partners, come down to the Woman's Bible Study forum.

Thank you Sue for clarifying what a separation is all about. However we are not legally separated I kicked him out. Am about ready to or have almost decided to file for divorce as much as I (I) don't believe in it, and don't believe it the answer to problems. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! It has been his way for so long he just doesn't have any conscience about anything anymore. Plus I do not believe he has any desire to change for me or his daughter or anyone! He is a very selfish individual. I am his fourth wife. If not by now and with a daughter now then when. I give up. He can have his life the way he wants it, I won't be a part of it any more. I got baited, hooked, and switched again today. Leading me to believe he would be at church and then didn't show. Haven't heard a thing from him all day. Don't care to anymore. He is nothing but a liar, and who knows what else. Thanks I may come to the women's forum thanks for inviting me.<BR>With God's love as an example,<BR>Celest<P>------------------<BR>"Keep doin' what you're doin', keep gettin' what you're gettin'"

I DONT THINK THERE IS ANY LOVE LEFT TO KEEP IN TACT! God help me, and my children! It hurts so bad........:-(

You may or may not be right about him changing Celeste, but we do know that God loves him and desires for Him to make different choices in his life. And of course the evil one is happy as a clam about his lifestyle. There are a number of scriptures that identify who our real battle is with, what God allows as far as separation from the marriage covenant, etc...I don't know if your husband is a believer or not, but if he is 1 PE 3 is pretty clear that God is not answering his prayers and Malachi 2 is pretty clear that God doesn't accept a half-hearted religion. <P>I hurt with you. The pain in your post is so loud. Seems that the legal separation component would let him know that you are serious in regards to protecting yourself and your daughter. It sounds like God has a lot of work to do with your husband and you need to be protected while He does that, not only to build you up but to bring your husband to his knees.<P>His timing is so different than ours and it sounds like you will have plenty to do just caring for your daughter and learning to be gentle with yourself, to be able to release the rage, hurt and betrayal of the covenant you had with your husband. Satan wants you to kick yourself for marrying this "4 time loser" He will fill your head with all kinds of stuff that probably feels justified.<P>But as a daughter of the king who loves you unconditionally, your goal needs to be running the race to become the woman He would have you be. It may not be with this man; who knows what God's plans for you are. But we do know that God hates divorce and that He hates when a man mistreats his wife and we know that He is the one who gets revenge and not us.<P>Rest in Him Celeste and love your baby. She deserves all that love you have stored up in you. There is so much you can teach her through this time.

Do you mean adultry? as far as separation from the marriage covenant? Your second paragraph to me sounds like this is all working to bring us back together, bring him to his knee. Having a lot of work to do with my husband? Paragraph 3, I have a whole list of 20 things that are very valid reason why I don't think this will ever change with him...this all complied after many many hours of counseling with friends, family, clergy of all faiths, DV counselor, his family, his ex-wife. Stuff I have read on this site and others. Now is that Satan, and unjustified justification he wants me to believe or the truth about my husband? paragraph 4 okay God hates divorce, I KNOW THAT! Why do think this is so hard for me? Knowing my H will never change and knowing God hates divorce, and also that he hates what this H has done to me, and this family? I am not trying to get revenge, just get on with being able to be happy with or with out him. with him as my husband or a new husband. I would like to work it out with him but I believe that that is impossible, cause HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! Last paragraph I am trying to, but I need answers and decisions to be made so I know where I am headed. Ny H isn't giving anything as usual so I am left to make the right and or best decision on my own as usual. Thank you so much Sue. Some clarification on this if you could please?<BR>Celest