My wife has been in withdrawal for more than 8 weeks now. I have repeatedly tried to make efforts to extend loving gestures to her and have been refuted with arrogance and smugness. She questioned my motives and remained cold and unaffectionate. She kept tellin me that she need time and space. Stop pressuring her she said. Well that is what I have decided to do. I am sleeping on the couch and rather enjoying the respite from the tension of the bedroom. I even tod her that I enjoy sleeping there more because of the ceiling fan in the living room.<P>So yesterday and today I conciously decided to give her space and stop rushing home for kisses and hugs. Yesterday I visited with my brother and came home leter than usual. I called to tell her I would be late. She seemed fine. Today however I made myself stay at work until 5:30 and then made my way towards home with no particular rush. I stopped at the library and picked out a book a called "Why Marriages Succeed and Fail". I stayed at the library until almost 7:30 with no call. Mind you this may be a LB but I was determined to give her a little "space". So upon returning from the library she was at home waiting and dinner had passed. She was visibly upset and neither acknowledged me or extended a greeting. I hugged my two boys who shouted when I came to the door.<P>So I then heated my cold dinner and began to eat. Once I had settled in I asked her If she was upset. She said yes! Shazam. She opened the door to her feelings and I stated that I went to the library to give her some space and not seem so needy to rush home and smother her. She mentioned that she has been upset with me b4 for doing precisely the same thing. I said I know. But that "I stand b4 you prepared to change. Period."<P>I explained that getting upset was OK and i was OK with her anger. I expalined my motives once again and she seemed a bit perplexed. But afterwards I sensed a bit of softening to her withdrawal and isolationism from me. She even asked me later if I was going to sleep in the bedroom. I said I don't no and later said that I would sleep on the couch. I wasn't ready to return to the bedroom.<P>My point in all of this is that sometimes those in withdrawal are confused as to what they want. Then when you give them what they say they want they do not know how to react or at least they begin to think again about their true feelings. She was mad. She let me know it and I was glad. I can handle mad but isolation and loneliness are dead ends. What do you make of this scenario? Any thoughts? Comments? Oh by the way it was a great lead in to asking her to read the book after me. Which b4 I thought she would reject. She said she would.<P>Have great day. Long live love, happiness and marriage.

Dear John,<BR> Evidently not making a phone call to her the second time when you stopped at the library got her attention enough to make her angry, and therefore talk to you some about the situation. Good for you. However, I appreciate consistency in that area. I can't imagine what it would be like to have my H say "I stand b4 you prepared to change" and acknowledge the hurt and pain he has caused me. Mine is of a position that he has nothing to change and has done no wrong. I think you made the right move to remain on the couch for the time. I know I have moved back to the routine too quickly in the past, and then the changes, and growth seemed to stop. The softening, and care to. I think we here are looking for lasting changes and healing. The big picture, goals to keep in mind. Know what I mean?<BR> I am glad you said what you did about those in withdrawal being confused as to what they want, or maybe also what they can really do to change things. My H has also been in withdrawal most of the time over the past month. Ocassionally he comes out to have conflict, that is about it now. I am seeing some small signs of intimacy now though too. It is a continually vacilating situation. We were talking about people really knowing what they want when it comes to buying a house, and I said that I think there are people out there who do know what they want, and he thought I was arguing his point that he thinks you have to close them and tell them what they want. I think you are right about giving them what they want they don't know how to act, or react. If they truely want it what about the idea that they just respond to it instead? I have given mine the space he seems to want to and time, and the greetings, and kisses I was getting even though we are separated are not there now. We had a disagreement over who would call whom to see our daughter, (she is with me) and he has always called to ask. Now he hasn't done that even in a few days. May still be games don't know. Had I not run into him today when I was out I don't know if he would have called today to come either. Then I asked if he wanted to bathe her, or go home? She is 20 months old, and he said those are my only two options? I said well you could relax and watch TV if you want. I tgot confusing and I asked about it. He said he was going home to read this book a couple of hours that I had suggested and he hadn't gotten very far in it. So my poin is as you said when you give them what they want they don't seem to know what to do, and I was taking more of his withdrawal personally, when like you say he may be backing off even more to figure out what he wants and to really look at how he feels, and what he can do. Typical Harley His needs her needs marriage.<BR>God Bless and we need to all pray for each other! <P>------------------<BR>"Keep doin' what you're doin', keep gettin' what you're gettin'"

I totally agree with the confusion in Withdrawal. My H has been gone for 5 weeks. For most of that, he has been confused about what he wants. He tried stating what he thought he wanted, thinking it would help him figure things out, and just came to realize that it wasn't helping at all. So he has had to take back alot of things he has said (like when he will be ready to come back. First he told me what I did to make him upset, and said when I had changed those things, he would be ready. So I have done them. But he has come to realize that it hasn't helped like he thought they would and he still isn't ready.) So now all I can do is give him the space he needs(which shouldn't be hard since he hasn't lived with me for over 5 weeks), and not asking him to do anything that isn't necessary. I am showing unconditional love, no matter how awful he treats me right now(he occasionally slips back into Conflict), trying to keep interested in what he enjoys, and continuing to fix the things I have done to cause the damage, because I know it will eventually help(plus it keeps me busy). I am waiting for him to figure out what he wants, and trying to give him enough time and space, so eventually I can get him to sit down and read some of this stuff with me and we can start working on our marriage.

I am trying to be patient. And I am determined to give her everything that she wants right now. Even if it means spending our savings. She is very contemptous right now. And I have to realize that I must not get contempt with her. You see this woman has a wonderful heart that is full of anger and pain. But no one can release it except her. When I don't know. She needs a major venting. I am hoping it is just around the corner. Then we can begin restoring love, trust and respect to our marriage. I know she loves me but she will not let herself feel that side of her. Her tenderness for me is shadowed by her anger. I will wait patiently for the love to shine and the chance to make love to her again. She has shut me off completely in that area. No sex for almost two months. That is the longest we have ever been apart. Suprisingly I am adjusting to it well. But I do so want to be very close to her. Time will tell. Got to go........needed to write.

John,<P>Read this section on the stages of marriage, it may give you some insight into what is happening with your marriage:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html</A> <P>Good Luck,<BR>Kenneth

Sorry to jump in on this thread but I wanted to offer you the perspective of the one in withdrawal. It's not quite accurate that those in withdrawal are confused about their feelings, though I can see why it looks that way from the outside.<P>For me at least, I do want different things at different times. But that's not due to confusion - when I shut him out, that's what I want to do, and when I soften a little, that's what I want. Sometimes it feels like my heart is being torn in two. The pain I feel makes me angry at the one who was supposed to love me, for hurting me this badly, and that sends me deeper into withdrawal. But, on the other hand, I remember how things used to be, and want to hope they'll be that way again but am afraid to. <P>It just seems like you're too willing to write off different emotions as "confusion" and I think you should consider the possibilty that all the emotions expressed do exist, though, taken together, they may appear to be a confused jumble.

Thanks so much for your insight, younglove. It is nice to hear from someone who is going through what our spouses are. I do agree that it may look like confusion, but isn't always just that. The only reason I said my H was in an incredible state of confusion is because he told me he is. For a good part of the last 5 weeks, that is how he has said he is feeling. He hasn't said it so much lately, but that is how he told me he has been feeling. Just wanted to throw that in.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by john meade:<BR><B>My wife has been in withdrawal for more than 8 weeks now. I have repeatedly tried to make efforts to extend loving gestures to her and have been refuted with arrogance and smugness. She questioned my motives and remained cold and unaffectionate. She kept tellin me that she need time and space. Stop pressuring her she said. Well that is what I have decided to do. I am sleeping on the couch and rather enjoying the respite from the tension of the bedroom. I even tod her that I enjoy sleeping there more because of the ceiling fan in the living room.<P>So yesterday and today I conciously decided to give her space and stop rushing home for kisses and hugs. Yesterday I visited with my brother and came home leter than usual. I called to tell her I would be late. She seemed fine. Today however I made myself stay at work until 5:30 and then made my way towards home with no particular rush. I stopped at the library and picked out a book a called "Why Marriages Succeed and Fail". I stayed at the library until almost 7:30 with no call. Mind you this may be a LB but I was determined to give her a little "space". So upon returning from the library she was at home waiting and dinner had passed. She was visibly upset and neither acknowledged me or extended a greeting. I hugged my two boys who shouted when I came to the door.<P>So I then heated my cold dinner and began to eat. Once I had settled in I asked her If she was upset. She said yes! Shazam. She opened the door to her feelings and I stated that I went to the library to give her some space and not seem so needy to rush home and smother her. She mentioned that she has been upset with me b4 for doing precisely the same thing. I said I know. But that "I stand b4 you prepared to change. Period."<P>I explained that getting upset was OK and i was OK with her anger. I expalined my motives once again and she seemed a bit perplexed. But afterwards I sensed a bit of softening to her withdrawal and isolationism from me. She even asked me later if I was going to sleep in the bedroom. I said I don't no and later said that I would sleep on the couch. I wasn't ready to return to the bedroom.<P>My point in all of this is that sometimes those in withdrawal are confused as to what they want. Then when you give them what they say they want they do not know how to react or at least they begin to think again about their true feelings. She was mad. She let me know it and I was glad. I can handle mad but isolation and loneliness are dead ends. What do you make of this scenario? Any thoughts? Comments? Oh by the way it was a great lead in to asking her to read the book after me. Which b4 I thought she would reject. She said she would.<P>Have great day. Long live love, happiness and marriage.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

My wife has just told me she too needs time and space. I was shocked when she told me she was seriously thinking of ending our 10 yr marriage. She says I am controlling, yet when I ask her how she refers to old arguments where I forced her to sit and talk rather that run away. Yes some of the arguments in our first three years turned into shoving matches, but that has stopped. Now they're just shouting matches with both of us saying things to hurt the other. She want to take our twi boys (hers from a previous marriage) and get an apartment.<P>Reading John Meade's letter has given me an option,. While i have been trying my best to show her that I love her, she says I'm smothering her. Maybe if I back off and stay away from home after work, she can have her space and still be here.<P>I have also slept on the couch the last two nights. The first night I didn't hear my wife in the shower and she wanted to get up early for work (it was Saturday). I came in and told her it was after six. She said she knew. As I headed back to the couch, she asked me if I wanted to get in bed. I crawled in and in a few minutes we were cuddling like we always do on the morning. About an hour later, she got up to get ready for work. By the time she got home, she was a different person. She didn't want me anywhere near her. I'm not sure what to do.<P>I know she has been hanging out with divorced friends from work, and I believe they are advising her. We have agreed to counseling, but I feel she has already made up her mind.<P>For now, I'm going to give her as much space as possible and hope she can see that what we've had together is more good than bad.<P> <p>[This message has been edited by SammyB (edited April 09, 2000).]

A little softening. My wife is beginning to explore her anger and frustration with our relationship. The counseling sessions are helping her to speak about her anger. I am hopeful that when she comes to terms with all the anger about her needs not being met. By the way through counseling and periodic talks I have discovered her number one need. Financial support and security. Maybe domestic support next. I don't know where sex comes in. It used to be higher I think. But anyway she is softening up and I am giving her space by spending a few nights away from home. The anxiety and general sense of isolation was killing me. I can relax elsewhere and help myself and her at the same time. She is gald that I am trying to help myself. The counselor has urged us to work on ourselves and not try to force the change to the partner. I have some changes to make and my wife does also. I need to show her that I understand her needs and she needs to be more willing to express her needs, frustrations and source of anger. She needs to be more open and honest. She has hid many things from me that upset her that I was doing or neglecting. We are making progress but it is slow. I am having trouble reaching her about trying new ideas and techniques relative to relationships and marriage. She is reluctant to read about MB concepts and techniques. How do I get her to open up to this learning and understanding so that we can build our marriage and restore love to our love banks. Oh one more thing. When we do restore the love. I am dieing to make love to my wife. I miss that closeness and intimacy. I miss making her feel relaxed and free when we make love. Will it be better? See ya.