I really don't know what to do. My marriage, if not dead, is on life support. We have been married for 6 years, and have one daughter. Our marriage has reached the point where, if not for my daughter, and the risk of not being with her -- which is more than I can bear to think about -- I would leave in a heartbeat. To say that my wife is unhappy with me is a huge understatement. I literally cannot remember the last time she showed me any affection. I'm not even talking about sleeping together -- I'm talking about a kiss before work, or upon returning home, or before bed. I'm talking about a kind gesture, or even a smile. When I see couples walking hand-in-hand, obviously in love, it breaks my heart.<P>How did this disaffection come to pass? It has its roots in the fact that my wife is British, while I'm American. After we married (but not before), my wife decided that she could only be happy if she lived back in the UK (not a word of this pre-marriage). To relocate, however, would be financially and professionally ruinous for us. (My wife doesn't like to hear this -- when I attempt to explain it to her, she accuses me of "being negative"). Her unhappiness about this has poisoned our marriage. I am at the stage where I alternate between fantasizing about leaving (which I always reject because of my daughter -- even if I could handle divorce, and loss of custody, I'm afraid my wife might skip off to the UK with her), and resigning myself to a cold, loveless marriage, at least until my daughter is college-aged. But that's a long way off (my daughter is only 5), and I'm almost 45. I feel like my life is ruined -- one way or another, I'm going to be destroyed emotionally, and that I'm going to miss out either on the joys of a happy marriage, or the joys of parenthood.<BR>God, if only I could relive the last 7 years, and do things differently. But I realize that this is a pointless fantasty.<P>Nothwithstanding my wife's behavior, I could still have a life with her if she would change. I don't think I could ever deeply love her, after the way she has treated me for the past 3 years, but I could love her enough to make a successful marriage. The problem is, I don't see her as capable of compromise -- things just keep getting colder and more hostile. What should I do?

I'm sorry you need to be here, but glad you've come! Welcome to Marriage Builders. The forum is full of people putting Dr. Harley's concepts to work in their own relationships. First, read the Basic Concepts part of the website. It will show you how to start improving your marriage, and will help you understand the advice you'll receive on the forum, since nearly all of it is in keeping with Dr. Harley's concepts.<P>You need not be resigned to a loveless marriage! Your wife is unhappy because you are not meeting her emotional needs, and likewise, she is probably not meeting yours. If she is in withdrawal (read about this under "The Three States of Marriage") it is possible for you to lead her back to the state of intimacy. The first step is always to take the LoveBusters and Emotional Needs questionnaires - you can find them online or purchase the books.<P>Second, two things you say need a little perspective. First, that "Nothwithstanding my wife's behavior, I could still have a life with her if she would change." This view will get you absolutely nowhere. You can't change your wife - no website or marriage counselor can do that. But you can change the way you behave toward your wife, and - I promise you this - when one partner changes, (and I mean permanently and consistently) the other partner changes too. Think of your marriage as an equilibrium. If you change your position your wife has to adjust! <BR>Second, you state that "I don't think I could ever deeply love her, after the way she has treated me for the past 3 years". You feel this way because your Love Bank has been depleted past the threshold required for Romantic Love to be felt - but rest assured, that with more deposits and fewer withdrawals, the balance will build again and the same love you shared the day you made your vows to her can be restored to your marriage.<P>Now, take some time to read through all the Basic Concepts. If you are unsure about where to find anything I've referred to, post a message to that effect and I'll post a direct link to whatever you're having trouble finding. And keep posting - the forum is full of helpful, insightful, supportive people. Best of luck on rebuilding your marriage!