I have been happily married for the last 13 years. But lately my marriage going to the wrong direction; A friend I had a crush on 20 years go just moved our hometown, and my husband changed completely.. He went as far as accusing me sleeping with him. He is a very good friend of mine from my past.. He and I have lots in common. My husband doesn't want me to spend any time with him at all ... Order for me to do anything with him I have to lie to my husband. I have done it twice and he find out about it... He went crazy.. <BR>I really don't know what to do. I love my husband my I am not wiling to give up my life with my friends either. I am the type of persona that needs friends.. I can not go on like this..<BR>I asked him to go seek professional help like counselling but he flat out REFUSED!!! Please what should I do???

Hi Tullys,<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders! The forum is most useful if you are familiar with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, which you can read about on the non-forum part of the Marriage Builders website. You'll at least need to know about Emotional Needs, LoveBusters, the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Love Bank to get started. <P>Be forewarned that the advice you will receive here is primarily based on Dr. Harley's books - it's not right for everyone but has been very successful (while in private practice Dr. Harley had a 90% success rate with couples he counseled. Compare that to the 25-30% success rate of other programs and you'll see his concepts do work, although they may be very different from what you're expecting.<P>Dr. Harley has 4 Rules for a Successful Marriage. Care, Protection, Time, and Honesty. In Harleyspeak, no lie is justified, even to save your husband's feelings. I urge you to be truthful from now on with your husband about where you are going and with whom you are meeting - if you continue to see this friend behind your husband's back you will only lose his trust and make him feel like he is right to be jealous. So, this brings us to the Policy of Joint Agreement - never do anything about which both spouses do not enthusiastically agree. Sounds harsh, right? But it works. Yes, sometimes it means giving up other activities or people for your spouse if a compromise can't be reached, but most find those sacrifices are worth restoring harmony and love to their marriage. <P>I think the best thing you could do right now would be to promise that you won't lie to your husband about this other man again, to help him feel more secure. Then, set up a group dinner, where you, your husband, your friend, and a friend of his all meet. That way, you can see your friend and maintain the health of the marriage. <P>Please let us know how it goes. Though the Harley concepts ask a lot, they pay huge dividends, and no one here expects perfection - we're all here because we're all learning, and rarely is anyone judgmental on the forum. Here, you will find friendship, support, and advice. Best of luck as you rebuild your marriage!