As i posted in my "How can i negotiate...", i think that i am walking the way of going back from the withdrawal stage to the intimacy, because i am trying to meet my H needs. But now i am afraid to continue, because once my H told me that no matter what we do we will never recover our lost love, so i am wondering if all this effort is worth <BR>What if he is being something nice with me just because he thinks we are friends (as he wanted) and the divorce will be easier? How can i know if i will have my needs met one day? or How long do i have to stay meeting his needs without meeting mines?<BR>I do not want to be hurt anymore.

IT MIGHT HELP TO GO TO THE HOME PAGE OF MARRIAGE BUILDERS AND GO TO BASIC CONCEPTS, READ ON THAT, IT MIGHT HELP YOU.<BR>ALSO, A MARRIAGE IS GIVING 100% NOT 50%, AND IF ONLY ONE PERSON IS GIVING THEIR PART, THINGS JUST WONT WORK OUT, YOU NEED TO SET DOWN AND TALK TO HIM, AND GET EVERYTHING OUT INTO THE OPEN, SO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU STAND, IF HE LOVES YOU HE WILL TRY, AND GIVE 100% OF HIMSELF TO YOU.<BR>GOOD LUCK!

How can i know if it is not too soon to talk with him?<BR>How long can i keep doing the things just like now? I am doing this for about 2 months<BR>Do i have to take the risk of talking him right now and force him to decide to work for our marriage together or to go away?

Hold on tight, Trapito!!! Consider calling for telephone therapy session with the Harleys. Could be the best money you spend all month. <P>Don't love bust!! If you need some words to say, ask here on these forums. <P>1. Preface everything you say with gratitude, compliments and praises for the positive things he does do, has done, or is. Be honest, but work hard at noticing things to reinforce. <P>2. Apologize for something that you can legitimately apologize for, ask his forgiveness. <P>3. Then gently explain in a very loving and compassionate way, being full of forgiveness just how you feel about what ever is bothering you. Leave the word "you" out of the conversation at this point. Only use "I" messages, and talk about the feelings you have. <P>4. Gradually work up to possible solutions. Respectully ask for his help. Ask him for solutions to your dilemmas first. <P>5. Ask him how you can be a better wife. Ask him what you need to eliminate so as not to annoy him.<P>6. Then take what he said to heart and work on yourself.<P>7. Then pray for him. Pray for yourself too.<P>Good luck, Trapito! I wish I had found this stuff in MB back 25 years ago when I was starting my first marriage. There is so much more for practical help available now, no excuses allowed!

Dear Karenna<P>Thanks for your advice, reading it i think i have done a mistake. During all this weekend i felt really bad about our situation and yesterday my H asked me if i was happy the way we are living now, because he does not feel happy "in the romantic way" (he said), but he feels happy in the practical sense because he has almost all he want. And he also said that we have to decide our lives, and then i said to him that as i told him a few months ago i am waiting until our son has one year after that he MUST decide if our marriage worth our best efforts to reconstruct or not. <BR>So we have just about a month to decide this (we are on this stuff about 1 year) so we can plan our lives together or by ourselves.<BR>Do you think i have made a mistake saying this? What can i say that could save my marriage? <BR>I am praying for my family, please help me to pray for it.<BR>

Ouch. Sorry you said that, trapito. While it REFLECTED your feelings, it wasn't exactly what you were feeling at the time. You can backtrack and talk about the feelings themselves now. <P>Committment doesn't give an ultimatum like that one. Lines in the sand? Yes, sometimes. Consequences to actions and choices? Yes. But please don't murder this family just yet. He is content in a way. You have much to build upon.<P>Good luck. I usually am on the Women's Bible Study forum. Please, you are more than welcome to join us there in praying for our families and each other.<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

I just read your two postings and I really can understand what you are saying. I feel like I need my husband to give me some kind of sign that he will be willing to make our marriage better. It is very difficult to continue to meet his needs when mine are not being met. How long does this go on before things change?

I've gone seven years down the lonely path. Only <B>this last week</B> has it begun to get more positive. The lovebusters have virtually ended. He is now Trying. Really Trying now! <P>Have Patience. You picked him. He is yours. It is worth it. <P>Love, <P>Karenna<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

I am going through the same thing with my husband it is so hard to know when to stop trying. I dont want to stop because that would be giving up but I do not know if it is getting better for him. My husband and I are going to go to counseling I hope that helps.