I am 31 and my wife is 25. We have been married for 5 years and together for 7. Last weekend she told me she didn't think she loved me anymore and that she didn't know how she felt. We have been having problems for the past 4 years (made love like 5 or 6 times that I can remember). I knew things were bad but I didn't want to admit to it. I love her immensely and thought that she loved me too. I thought that we would be able to work out our problems as long as we had each other and could talk. She has never really communicated her feelings with me. I have tried and tried to talk with her about how she feels. She and I used to talk about everything. But since we started having problems it was just easier to ignore what was happening between us. I always will love her, I don't know what to do or think. I left her last week and stayed with my brother and his wife. We talked almost every night with about the same results...nothing. I put my heart and soul out for her to see, but she said she didn't know what to tell me only that she felt nothing. She said she would try to write her feelings down so that I would know what she was feeling. Saturday she came to see me and stayed the night (slept together but no sex). The letter she wrote me told me that she liked the freedom that she had that week and that she didn't know what to tell me about us, just that she wasn't in love with me any more and didn’t think she could ever feel anything for me. I came back on Sunday and we have been civil to each other but I don’t know if I can take it. I always seem to screw things up and hurt her even though I don’t mean too or even know that I am. I have called a local marriage counselor to try and make an appointment. I asked my wife if she would go before I left and she said no, I asked her again yesterday and she said she would. I love her so much I am constantly going through waves of sadness and depression. I haven’t eaten or slept much over the last week since I found out how she truly feels. I wanted so much for us and now I feel its over and I don’t know what to do or feel. As the days pass I feel like I have more hope but its not from anything she says to me. Today we had lunch together and she said she was thinking about going to her work softball game (she said in the letter she enjoyed going to it when I was gone because she sat around and drank with the guys) she wanted to know how I felt about her going. I asked if she meant that she wanted to go by herself and she said yes. I couldn’t help by show my disappointment and she saw it right away. I told her I didn’t think I had any control in the current situation so I hoped that she would have fun, but that I wished she had asked me to go too. But she stuck firm and said that she didn’t want me there. I want make her love me again, I know I can’t, but I cant help it. I am lost. I am reading and reading trying to find answers but I don’t think that I can do it alone. I know I have been abusive mentally and verbally to her without realizing it and that I will score low on the check sheet (I printed 2 out to take home tonight but am not sure how to get her to do it) it’s the way I was brought up in a verbally abusive household. I have always tried to be different than my parents and have made a conscience effort to, but it seems that I feel back into the same old track that my parents were in. My wife on the other hand is at the opposite end of the spectrum. Her parents don’t say anything to each other directly they always talk about other people and ignore the problems that are going on in their lives. I have told everyone about having problems with my wife while she only talks to her closest friends. I am so upset that she doesn’t trust or believe me she has been convinced by her friends that I will screw her over if she were to divorce me. Her friends have all had lots of bad relationships and are jealous of what we had so they when they talk they always tell each other they are right for whatever they do instead of thinking about what they did or didn’t do and how to work thinks out. I am so hurt and sad … My thoughts were directed to ending my life when I found out that she didn’t love me any more and how she thought she never could. I actually put a rope around my neck and tried strangling myself in front of her that night. I only stopped thinking that way when I visited my brothers and saw my nephew. I am devastated. For those that took the time to read this I am sorry that you had to waste your time with my worthless feelings. All I can do now is hope and pray that someday she will be able to consider me worthwhile enough to give me another chance.

I know how you feel, and I'm there in the same boat with you. The thing is, there's so much to live for yet.. that I'm not willing to give up. My H is still in love with me, but he says he doesn't know what he wants or what he feels. We're seperated at the moment, and awaiting our divorce to be final. Let me tell you this one thing, set her free. If she was yours to begin with, and it's love.. she'll come back. If not, then it's not time wasted, it's a learning experience. I know you love her, and that's good.. but if she is truly unhappy, then you'll never be happy either. I realized why I filed for divorce, my H wasn't happy.. and therefore I couldn't be happy either. It's amazing how it takes one person to be unhappy, and the how relationship is strained. Okay.. hope I've at least shined a little light on things. Good luck, and let us know how your doing! Hope all goes well!<BR>Kink

re: marriage counseling :<<I asked my wife if she would go before I left and she said no, I asked her again yesterday and she said she would.>><P>I would jump on this like a drowning man on a float. You guys obviously need a jump start to a dialogue.<P>Her love for you is in remission, for sure, but maybe not dead. Feelings of love wax and wane during a relationship. I am going through a similar period with my wife. If you can get a committment from her to work on the relationship, that is a major victory. Than read through the site here, take the emotional needs test, start pouring love bank depositis in, communicate with her about your desire to improve the relationship and stay married. If you feel you have been abusive in the past, go get anger management counseling -- don't you think that would be a welcome piece of news to her?<P>For god's sake, put the suicide stuff out of your mind. Get to a doctor and get on some anti-depressants, that will help you be more stable -- particularly in her eyes during this crucial period. <P>I wish you the best, my friend. Hang in there, and focus your energy on the positive.<P><BR>

It's so embarrasing calling around asking for marriage counseling. But I did it today, I got an appointment for myself, on the 24th....seems like such a far date I don't know if I will be able to make it. I blew up last night when trying to talk to my wife. She keeps telling me it's my fault and she doesn't care, and it hurts so bad. I have ALWAYS tried to do everything for her, I want her to be happy and in love with me like I am with her. I filled out the 2 questionaires on this website and the only thing that I could really fault her for is not sharring her feelings or meeting my needs. Is that really something you can work on when the person just doesn't want to try because they don't think anything will <BR>every change or if its even worth it? I don't know. I think that I have stronger deeper emotions than anyone I know.... nobody understands, everyone seems so shallow and only concerned with how they are. They don't understand how I could love her after everything thats happened, she doesn't understand either! I have allways run very hot... middle ground is someplace that I see very seldomly because I can't stand the BLAH feeling. When I feel cold and down I usually feel giving up...I mean like everythings over, everything I worked for, everything I wanted, everything I planned, everything everything everything. I am sorry if people took it as though I would kill myself...I don't know, I have thought about it when I was down and wanted to, but my own self preservation and then eventually selfworth kicks in and saves me. I think my feelings of worthlessness stem from my childhood when my father told me I was wrong whenever I did anything I wanted to do. I just felt worse for screwing things up, the same as I do now. I hope counseling will help. Right now she hates me again. I just wanted to talk about something meaningfull, not the same old chitter chatter talking about the weather and such. I can't leave anything alone. I either have to meddle with it until its fixed or until its broken. WHY WHY WHY can't I be happy with things the way they are and be happy with the hope that things will get better??? I need hope, I need her I need her love, I want to be the person she can love.<P>Sorry for spewing... I needed a outlet. Thanks for your kind words of encouragement.

Wow, you keep describing what I'm feeling exactly. I love my husband so much. We've built so much - out of the blue he wants to move out. I've done a lot of looking back on our marriage and the relationship prior to since he told me a week ago. I have found myself on the pages of this website. All the Love Busters describe me and my reactions to things. I thought I was doing all these things because I loved him. But really, I was letting him down. I read something in the Dr. office (getting antidepressants) yesterday: Love is what you do, not how you feel. Talk about a slap in the face. I've not been DOING things to demonstrate my love, I've been pushing him into things I thought were good for him. The reason I'm telling you this is because I believe it is not to late to help my husband love me again. It's not too late for you either. I have to believe. I have to keep trying. I won't stop until he tells me to. Then, if he really can't be happy with me, I'll let him go - it's the least I can do to make up for what I've put him through.<P>You said you can't leave things alone - you have to fix it, you have to have answers, you have to keep on and keep on until it works. Well let me tell you - you described me. I have to be in control, I have to know what's going on, I am a perfectionist and everything has to be just right. But think about this - what about all those little things that haven't been your idea of "right". Like her wanting to play ball by herself. How important is that when compared to losing her. It is important to have your own needs met, but if her need is to be by herself, it is just as important (maybe more) to GIVE that to her. I know it is hard. I've been doing just that for a week. 3 nights my H hasn't even come home, but he did call to tell me where he'd be. He won't talk about it since he told me. He avoids the subject. I keep being cheerful and nice. I haven't complained once about where he's been or what he hasn't done. I'm giving him space. Then when he's cooled and maybe more receptive because I've not been in his face beating the topic to death, I'll tell him how wrong I've been and how much I love him. I've already written some of it down and that helps. I won't give up, not yet. I don't believe that he doesn't love me even though he turned down the idea of counseling and said he's just out of effort. My situation still isn't hopeless. Maybe some of these suggestions will help you. I'm sorry for the way you're feeling, I've lost 15 pounds in the last week. Can't sleep, can't concentrate. I know what it's like. But maybe this can be a positive thing. Maybe you'll find out things about yourself you never knew.<P>My thoughts are with you, my prayers are with you. Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>