Hi all! I've been wanting to post for awhile, but it's taken me time to get over the embarassment of airing the dirty laundry in public. Not that anyone can recognize me, but...oh, well, here goes.<P>I've just turned 32, my husband is 37. We've been married ten years and have three kids. I have been unhappy forever, it seems. I had expectations of working and playing and living together with my spouse in relative harmony. I didn't think we would never have disagreements, but I did think that we would both hash things out when we did disagree. I figured that a man would actually want to spend time alone with his wife in places other than the bedroom. Boy, was I wrong in my choice.<P>I have no doubt that my husband cares about me and the kids. But I don't know how to talk to him so that we can have a "normal" relationship. It seems that he will only talk to me about world news or weather, etc. If I want to discuss my problems he will be present for the discussion in body, but not in mind. He tunes me out, and will only talk if I ask him questions. He often says "I have nothing to say." or "What do you want me to say?" He believes that the problems in our marriage are my problems - he is just fine with things as they are.<BR>He has told me that he doesn't think that we will ever compromise on anything, so if I disagree with him on something he either does what I say to keep me happy (whether I'm right or wrong) or just goes off by himself and does whatever he thinks is right. <P>I am to blame for some of the communication problems, too. I haven't been the most patient person, I try to start a conversation by making a comment or asking a question. He will answer in monosyllables, or not say anything in return to keep up his end, so I get frustrated and it gets blown out of proportion. <BR> <BR>I am disappointed that I have failed at making anything like the sort of marriage I envisioned. I realize that "I" cannot have a marriage, but "we" don't work together on it. He doesn't seem to want the relationship part of marriage, only to be able to say "I have a family." He seems to feel that he brings home the money and I shouldn't expect anything more than that. Am I wrong to expect more? <BR>We did the Emotional Needs questionnaire together, and worked on things for about two weeks. He actually set up a date for us, babysitter and everything( first time in about 6 years). I was working hard to fulfill his needs. After a couple of weeks, things just slid back into the old pattern. He feels that he did his part and I'm just a b---- who is never satisfied with anything. He works constantly (7:30am to 7:30pm and later)or and sees nothing wrong with that. Even though I congratulate him on his awards, raises and promotions and help him out with work he brings home, he feels I am ungrateful and unsupportive of him because I don't appreciate the time he spends away from us. <P>Much of my unhappiness stems from my feelings of inadequacy. I am an okay mother, but housekeeping is not one of my strong points, and I haven't kept my girlish figure after the babies. I thought if I bettered myself then my life would improve. I decided that I wanted to go back to school and I thought that he supported that. He supports me going back to school, but he doesn't like my choice of school, or major. I wanted to become an architect, but he doesn't feel there's any use in it. I began school not knowing his true feelings. I was very pleased after the first semester that I picked a major I fell in love with. I made the Dean's list every semester, and recieved an award for excellence for some of my work. I was very hurt and confused when my husband didn't even acknowledge my successes with a congratulatory word. Later he admitted that he didn't like artwork and thought I was wasting my time. He couldn't even say "Good job!" when I got an A in math or physics. So I am halfway through school and it's killing me that my husband is like that. I think he feels I am wasting HIS money on my schooling and it's not cheap.<P>I don't know how to talk with him and to get him to talk to me. It's killing me to live with him everyday and be reminded of everything I don't have. I am angry and bitter because I feel he has used me so that he will "look" like a family man, but he doesn't actually want to put in the time it will take to have the real thing. He says that he loves me, but I don't think he wants to share his life with me, or he doesn't know how. What I don't understand is- why isn't he trying ANYTHING to fix us if he does? Why does the whole thing fall on my shoulders? Am I wasting my time trying to have a relationship with this man? HELP ME, PLEASE!!<BR>

You run a household, rear three children, earn a college degree in a not-so-easy field while maintaining the grades for the dean's list and you have a dedicated husband who works 12+ hours a day! I am in awe at how well you both juggle what you have going. Sounds to me like you both need to slow down and devote some much needed (and probably well deserved) uninterupted time to work on your marriage. Two weeks of working at a marriage cannot repair ten years of neglect. You both must commit to providing at least 15+ hours of time per week to giving each other undivided attention and meeting each other's most important emotional needs. Both of you must use this time to talk honestly with each other, or play, but it must be time completely unadulterated with influences from the outside - work, family, friends, college, household chores, etc. Make the dates, keep the commitments, log the times. Of all the things you can give to each other, uninterrupted time seems to be the most important, for it is in these time periods that you will eventually uncover the small (or possibly large) problems that seem to subconciously undermine a relationship. It may seem ludicrous at first, this absurd waste of time when you both could being busying about "doing something", but you must devote the time to your relationship if you want the relationship to prosper. Of course you are correct when you say that this is a project that must be undertaken by the both of you. Read Dr Harley's Give and Take, Love Busters, His Needs, Her Needs and Marriage Insurance and put into practice what he recommends. Given a chance, his concepts will work to provide the marriage you say that you want.

I agree completely with you about the time we need to spend. I have expressed to my husband numerous times over the last 10 years that we need to spend time alone without the kids. We need to talk about our life, our marriage, our hopes and dreams. He has replied that he doesn't feel that is important. He feels the time spent as a family (with the kids) is all we need other than the sex/snuggle time in bed each night. What do I do? Am I wasting my time?

When you discovered your H's ENs and spent the two weeks "working on things" what caused you both to backslide? Did he stop caring for you or vice versa? Like I said, you can't "fix" in two weeks what has been allowed to corrode from neglect for ten years. If you must go it alone for a while, I would suggest that you give it a try. Has H reached the state of withdrawal. Sounds as though he still has an ember burning down there somewhere if he likes to cuddle etc at night. Perhaps you could build on that. I don't know what his ENs are but certainly you do and maybe a discussion in re the implementation of the POJA on a short experimental basis, say for three or four days perhaps, to see if that can get you both to "snap out of it" might help.<P>You mention that you haven't kept your "girlish figure". Is that really important to him? Although I realise that we do age and with age gravity can bring on some undesirable consequences with the human body. However, I have also discovered that it is not necessarily what physical attributes one has that is very important but how one uses what one has that seems to move the earth. If he really wants (needs) you to be Ms Bod Beautiful, perhaps you can urge him to accompany you to the gym, exercise class or whatever, of your choosing and you both can make the Dean's list in body architecture together.<P>Are you wasting time? Heaven's NO. Think of the alternatives. Sounds like you have some great materials with which to work. Now, be creative like what you got your awards of excellence for in your school work. I can imagine the rewards you'll receive for your creativity in this arena will prove to be much more satisfying.

I don't think the "bod" is as important to him as to me. I am on an "improvement" mission and perhaps I have been trying to force him to improve also. I've come to some realisations about myself recently, thanks in large part to this site. <BR>My H is very private to begin with and will not volunteer much info. And I have probably interrupted and put down his opinions so that he feels even less like talking. But the major problem is that his needs are being met much much more than mine are. I have been frustrated and angry and taking it out on him. This is just making him pull away rather than giving him incentive to meet my needs.<P>I would like to know how to help him to open up and be honest with me. He doesn't seem to understand how important it is to me that I know what he is thinking. I pour out my thoughts and feelings (too much, a lot of times), but he is totally closed off. He's a decent guy and does care about us, but his silence is a major lovebuster for me.<P>He keeps telling me that I have everything I've ever wanted. He cannot understand that my ideal relationship is sharing thoughts, emotions, etc., not getting things together. He expects me to be happy with a house, kids, going to school, and my own separate social life. I call that roommates, not marriage. So how do I get him to see that we both have a problem - not just me? Keep begging? <BR>