Let's see...I began writing on the forum about 6 months ago and I was wanting desperately to get my husband back after leaving him for about 8 months because I was confused about what I wanted in life and where our life was going together....now he says he is willing to work on the marriage and says he doesn't want the divorce after all. He is living in D.C. and I am in Florida. He came down here to visit about a month ago and we had a very nice weekend together and I felt very positive about the future. BUT...it seems that since he left he is very distant when we talk and I hardly feel that our relationship is moving in a positive direction. It's just not moving. I am going to see him this weekend and was very much looking forward to it, but now I just don't feel like he is trying at all. He says it will take time for him to get back to the way he was before I left, but I don't see that he's making any effort at all. For example, when we do talk on the phone, it seems to be mostly small talk and he always ends the conversation with "I'll see ya". It feels like he just wants to be buddies. It's killing me and I feel like giving up. We talked about me moving there, but it doesn't even seem like it will ever happen. He never wants to talk about our relationship and I don't know what he wants anymore. I am very confused and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I can't talk to him because he gets mad at me. I don't see how we can work on our marriage when we don't even live together, but he is afraid that if I move then something will go wrong and I'll want to leave. Again, I know that he is scared that I will hurt him again, but it appears that he has lost his emotional side and doesn't even care if he gets it back. Our marriage just doesn't seem important to him at all, although he says it is. What can I do? I feel like I am trying to plan for our future and he is just going from day to day and doesn't really care what happens. I am in limbo here. I work full time and I am going to school, and I don't know whether to take classes in the fall, or to start looking for a job there, I have NO IDEA when he wants me to move, or even if he does want me to move. I am just sitting here waiting to get some kind of feeling from him about what he wants. He will barely even talk to me about how he feels. I don't know if I can do this alone, it hurts too much and as much as I want him in my life, it seems like it was a lot easier when he didn't want me back. Any thoughts on how to handle the situation - or just how to make it a little easier on me - are appreciated...I'm about to lose it here....<P>Thanks,

Why did you leave 8 months ago? How long have you been married?<P>Remember: "one step forward two steps back?" Sometimes healing takes a long time and meets with resistence. I can only say that if you can continue to be positive, and sincere in your motives and actions toward him, you can win back that trust and affection. He is obviously very scared and every time he makes a move in the right direction tries to talk himself out of it. Eventually, enough positive reinforcement will pull him out of it. <P>The questions is, do you love him enough to be patient? If you do, and this is truly what you want, focus on his ENs for a while. It isn't easy to totally dismiss your needs, but the only consolation I find right now in my marriage is that I know I can at least be there for H and try to fulfill some of the ENs I've neglected for so long. It makes me feel better for doing that for him.<P>I hope you take this positively, it is meant to encourage!!<P>------------------<BR>

Thanks for the encouragement. It does get hard sometimes to remember that I need to be there to meet his ENs that I neglected for some time. I am very sincere in my love for him and my want/need to spend my life with him and be his best friend again. It does get hard and it is a struggle. This forum has helped immensely, with great advice and ways to make marriage stronger, and just to give me the support and encouragement I need along the way...Thanks.<P>Things have gotten a little better the past few days and he did call and apologize for being a bit harsh. He says he has a hard time letting down his guard. I am giving him time and space. I look forward, once again, to visiting him on Friday and I think it will be a nice weekend for us both...!

If you really love him and your really want this relationship...don't give up. <P>Coming from a male perspective... when I get hurt, I withdraw as a natural response. I believe us males have a bigger ego issue to deal with. We feel that we are not "men" if we can't hold on to our woman... I realize that is not politically correct, but I feel it as a man. <P>I would suspect he is hurt by your departure and is having a very hard time exposing his feelings. Anything you can say or do to restore his confidence in you... and you need to repeat it...a male bruised ego requires a lot of soothing. <P>But, don't forget to make sure this is what he wants as well. Talk in person, trying to work this out over the phone is very difficult... open as much communication as you can...give lots of love and lots of assurance.<P>Good luck this weekend....<P>------------------<BR>

Thank you, thank you....! I've kind of been hoping for some isight from a man! <P>I'll have to write again when I get back on Monday! Thanks!

Red, I was glad to read your response to this particular issue.<P>I have a question for you relative to the "man thang" responses. When a man, during a heated argument, says -- very plainly... "I don't love you anymore," "I want a divorce", "I don't care about you anymore," and then three hours later says, "I love you," "I don't want a divorce," etc., which should the woman believe? Also, if there are no apologies for saying the hurtful things and then saying the "affectionate" things, which statements should be taken seriously?" From a man's point of view, that is.<P>Katherine<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by red52:<BR><B>If you really love him and your really want this relationship...don't give up. <P>Coming from a male perspective... when I get hurt, I withdraw as a natural response. I believe us males have a bigger ego issue to deal with. We feel that we are not "men" if we can't hold on to our woman... I realize that is not politically correct, but I feel it as a man. <P>I would suspect he is hurt by your departure and is having a very hard time exposing his feelings. Anything you can say or do to restore his confidence in you... and you need to repeat it...a male bruised ego requires a lot of soothing. <P>But, don't forget to make sure this is what he wants as well. Talk in person, trying to work this out over the phone is very difficult... open as much communication as you can...give lots of love and lots of assurance.<P>Good luck this weekend....<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>