I don't know what happened. I was perfectly happy and all of a sudden, wham, he said he didn't know if he wanted to stay anymore. I asked why and he says that he can't give me all of his heart and that since that isn't fair to me that he thinks maybe he should leave. I didn't know what hit me. I was totally happy. He says that he still loves me, just not all the way. What does that mean? I tried to talk to him, but the more talking I do, the faster he wants to leave. I tried reminding him of the kids and myself and how happy we are with him, but he says we'll be happier without him. I said that we won't and that what he's doing is making us miserable, even though we weren't miserable in the past and he said that even though he hates to make us miserable, we'll be happier in the end. I begged him to give us a chance to try to work things out and show him that we can be happy and he says that he has been trying to work things out for the whole five years of our marriage and that he can't continue. I begged for another chance and he just said no. I asked what he wants me to do and he said he just wants me to be his friend, I want to do that and when I try to take that stance and just be supportive no matter how much it hurts he seems to let his guard down a little, maybe I'm imagining it. I just am having such a hard time with my takers. They take over after just one or two days and esspecially when he isn't home and I have time to think about how unfair and mean he is being. He is so stubborn. I want to just let my giver take over and be wonderful to him, but I have to ask if he's still planning to leave us and that throws the conversation out the window every time. When I just leave the subject alone, things seem to go fine, but as soon as my curiosity about what he's feeling gets the best of me, I ask what he's planning and he gets defensive and wants to leave. How do I make him realize that we'll all be happier in the long run if he stays and when things seem to be going well for a day, how do I keep my mouth shut about him leaving, even though I have to know if he's going to and when? Can anyone help?

Could he be depressed?<P>This sounds like my H back in December...except he was definitely depressed and had been that way for a while, and that was feeding into his feelings about everything. <P>Read the info on the site here...go into Plan A mode, and work on strengthening your relationship.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

I made it for a day! I think that I may be making progress. I loved him all day long without any angry outbursts,(my biggest problem) I don't know if he is depressed. I get no cooperation from him regarding trying to save our marriage so he won't even talk to me about counseling. I felt like maybe he was realizing that he's hurting me and actually cared a little when he said that he feels bad when I am nice to him, because he doesn't think he deserves it. Is this a step in the right direction? I find it hard to not make demands such as,"You need to stay for the childrens sake" etc. He told me today that part of the reason he feels bad is because he knows I'm just trying to win him back and make him change his mind about leaving,(which is true), but that I shouldn't be trying to keep him here because he has made up him mind and he's still planning to leave. He did say that he won't leave until after our sons first birthday, June 4th. I am afraid that he'll leave on June 5th. I find myself very tempted to use the guilt of leaving the children to make him stay, is that wrong? The other thing that REALLY bothers me is that he still says that he isn't filing for divorce yet, but that when he leaves, he actually wants to leave the state. I know that he has been wanting to move out of state for awhile and when he suggested we make a move I complained a lot (we've moved 10 times in the five years we've been married). But I would be happy to move if it would save our marriage. I told him that but he said he has to get away and can't keep trying to make it work. Do you think that he wants to leave the state to be sure that he is as far away from me as possible, or do you think it is really because he wanted to move so bad that he will do it any way he can? Also, he keeps saying that he cares what happens to me, he even says that he plans to send a monthly amount to help me out while he is gone. He is not planning to take all of his stuff, just the necessities and he does still tell me he loves me, even though he is leaving, do you think that the fact that he obviously intends to keep in touch is a good sign that he isn't planning to leave for good, despite the distance he wants to put between us? Or do you think that this is his way of trying to get away and help me "heal a little" before he drops the bomb and asks for a divorce? I'm afraid, I love him with all my heart. I don't want to loose the best husband anyone could ever have, and what about the kids? He says that he wants to see them, but if he leaves, I won't have the money to take them across the country to see him,(they are too little to fly alone) and I'm afraid that he'll make an effort to see them at first, but then begin to slowly loose touch with them, and I don't want them to go through that. Right now I'm just trying to love him and make him see what he would be missing, do you think it will have enough effect in the next few days to keep him around longer, long enough for me to have a better chance?

Sounds like you did great yesterday!!!<P>Just keep taking it one day at a time. There's no way to know what he's thinking...BUT, the fact he still tells you he loves you is good. Read all the "Plan A" info you can find here (it works whether there is another person involved or not, so don't worry about that).<P>You cannot control your H...he may wander around in "the fog" awhile...all you can do is be the best you possible...make sure he knows you love him and are a great person to be married to when he finds solid ground again.<BR> <BR>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

He's still leaving. This morning he told me he is planning to go the day after our sons birthday, so I guess I was right. He says that he doesn't think he'll be coming back, but he still isn't planning to take his things. I am starting to think that no matter how much I tell him I love him, he will leave. Do you think if I continue to treat him with respect even after he's gone, he'll want to come back? He says that he isn't trying to find a way to re-enter our marriage, that he doesn't want to. He still isn't filing for divorce though. He says maybe time will change his feelings, does that mean that even though he says he isn't trying that he is, or does it mean he's just trying to make me quit worrying? I hope time changes his heart, I know the only way I can influence it is to make the last thing he remembers a good memory, I have done well today, but it's only morning yet. I am starting to think that if he won't stay no matter how kind I am in the next few days that it will be useless to be kind and waste so much energy. I don't want to fall into withdrawl, our marriage would be gone for good. How do I keep myself positive even though I see few results? The lack of results is making me angry, I don't understand how he can keep taking and saying he's giving me a better life.

He says that I am making him feel guilty when I am kind to him right now, is that good or bad? Is it okay to let him see me cry? Or will he want to leave more if he sees me cry and feels guilty?

I just wanted to reply and tell you I hope that everything works out for you. I can't imagine being in that situation. Has he still given you no concrete reason why he is leaving? That is so unfair. It is one thing for him to be leaving, but to not have a concrete reason would be so hard to deal with. Does he say he will keep in contact with the kids? <BR>I think you are doing a really good job so far and I admire your strength, keep trying and keep posting. <BR>Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks! Yeah, he says he intends to keep in touch with us. He is still planning to leave his things here even. We went fishing today. I didn't think he wanted me to go, so when my son asked if we could go with daddy I said I thought maybe I should stay home, but he actually invited me. He didn't say much the whole time, but at least he isn't trying to be mean to me. I told him I love him, and now all he says is that he knows. I asked if he still loves me and he said that he is confused and doesn't want to complicate the issue by answering that question. I'm getting discouraged that he is still planning to leave, but I have a lot of hope when he does things that don't make it completely final. I even asked if he is planning to file for a divorce and he said not right now. He refers to "while" he is gone, not "when" he is gone and says things like that he doesn't want to run up "our" phone bill. Every time I ask what he is taking, he says he won't take anything that will make us uncomfortable,ie:microwave, TV, etc. He suggested I go to visit my mom,(who I haven't told anything yet because I'm putting the 'I told you so' off for as long as I can) I said I can't visit my mom because that wouldn't leave anyone for him to come home to when he's ready. He said that when he's ready he'll come back to me wherever I am, I guess that means maybe he's still planning to come back. My biggest problem is that he wants to take the computer, which is my most useful communication with most of my friends and family and support people. I think that will make it a little harder, but I guess I can use a friend's computer, or go to the library if I have to. He suggested I talk to his brother while he is gone and call him if I need help with anything. I was glad to know that he realizes I can't do everything alone.(My family is all across the country from here, and we have several animals that need to be cared for.) I guess I have come to realize that he is probably going to leave, I can only continue like I am doing and hope in the end everything is okay. I think he is very confused and I hope that I can make his final memories here ones that will make him want to come back after he's gone. Wish me luck, I am starting to get discouraged and I don't want to believe that all hope is lost.