Mental Images,<P>My wife's affair has ended and she has cut off all contact. Although I think the OM calls, lets the phone rung once and hangs up. A secret signal to "call me back if you aren't busy"? So far as I can tell she does not call back. The Wife and I are working on our problems which include my "depression". But despite all her efforts to make me feel comfortable and trusting of her I quite often find myself on the verge of tears. And it doesn't take much to set the tears flowing, something on TV, a book, reading the posts on Marriage Builders, old pictures. And the mental images of my wife in the arms of some other man and all that follows in that 5 second video clip from my mind. The sexual aspect of her affair is what I am having the hardest time dealing with. I feel that I have a pretty good handle on the rest of the affair and why it happened ( as unfair to me as it was - see my profile). Somewhere I read that the affair is defined as psychologically legal. <P>My question (dilemma) is: how does one get by this mental roadblock and the nightmares? The rest of our recovery seems to be going very, very well. But how do I tell her about my insecurity (ies)? Although I know the passage of time will help heal I am impatient to rid myself of these images. She considers the affair over and wants to move on. And I appear to be dwelling on it. To the end that I am afraid to bring up the fact that I still have a problem with it. I am having a very difficult time, in fact I am deathly afraid of, expressing my emotions to her about the affair. <P>Its one thing to be elated that we are trying to save our marriage, and to be so thankful that we are not going down the road to divorce, but it is quite a different thing to be so depressed, fearful and anxious that you are unable to express yourself for fear of driving the other person away. Makes one wonder if it is all worth it or would it be easier to just end the marriage and move on. And recently I have been feeling this way. I don't like the feeling!<P>Thanks,<BR>Bob D.<BR>Sunny Florida <BR>

Bob D.....<BR>I too struggle with this, and the smallest thing can set me off. I wish I had some profound advise that will make it easier.<P>Yes, it's so hard to keep on keeping on, but if you chose to work at it, no matter what the outcome is, you'll feel satisfied you did everything in your power to create a marriage of love, happiness and peace. Something I think we all want.<P>Hang in there.

Bob: Sounds like your plate is pretty full, judging by your profile. Try and turn your negative image (your appearance) into a positive one. Okay, so you've gained some weight due to your medication. The point is YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!! As a breast cancer survivor, I am proud to say that I have made it, as well. If you beat not one but two bouts of cancer, you can beat anything, it's just going to take time. Chin up! Chest out! Be proud! It WILL get better. <P>Sending out good vibes your way.<BR>Sucess Story (why me)<BR>Sandy<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

BobD<BR>Take a look at the "Changing Images" thread. there are a lot of good ideas from a lot of peope.

Thanks to Wasstubborn for bring up the archives and thanks to Once Happy and Why Me for the encouragement! It is appreciated!<P>I think I am beginning to understand this "coping skill". And there seems to be some fun, albeit sadistic, in this otherwise depressing situation.<P>Here how I think it goes: The OM (handy-man-around-the-corner) comes home from his handy-man duties and does the old: "call our house, let the phone ring once and hang up" routine and then waits for the return "call me back if your husband isn't there" phone call. The phone just now did one of those: "one rings and no one was there" things. So the return call won't come. So I picture him sitting by the phone, hoping his wife doesn't come home. Well, sit there S**TH**D and wait. pace around a little, bite you handy-man nails, suffer some anxiety! That call won't come tonight. It won't come…ever. Your girlfriend promised me! And hopefully you are a bundle of nerves! Paybacks are tough! <P>I am a smart engineer type that can; decide on stock investments and make money, fix the phone, the computer, the tv and even the AC in the car. I can also rustle up a delightful Steak Diane, a bowl of pretty good Gumbo and a batch of authentic Hungarian Cabbage rolls. It is lifting to know that I can do all that and I can ALSO do insipid, inane and no talent handy-man chores like hang sheet-rock, mow the lawn and put down ceramic tile in the bath room. That is brain over brawn or mind over matter. I am the mind and the OM is the matter…smatter…whatever.<P>Hope you'll let me do a couple more of these visualizations…<P>I call this thing " A Love Affair Over The White Picket Fence" or the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence when you're standing in the street. <P>I do feel sorry for the OM's wife. He did this once, he will do it again. It is his first marriage and she has a 12 Y.O. daughter, Instant family. His wife is kind of a frumpy, plain, not too bright person. Not kind by it is part of the imaging process. I know as I met her at my front door one night. She was in a rage over what was going twixt her hubby and my wife. So this may already be kind of a dead end marriage from him. I hope. And I wish him misery trying to get out of it. She has him on a very short leash. Imagine the leash with one of those choker collars on the receiving end. Oh, I like that one. <P>My wife, on the other hand is a beautiful and smart 55 year old grandmother of two. She is 55 but she looks 40ish. (that be the truth!). No wonder he fell for her and did whatever he could. So lets see, he's 35 and they run off together and when this mook turns 55 she'll be 75. My wouldn't he be happy.<P>The hardest thing of the affair that I have THE BIGGEST PROBLEM with is the image of my wife of 20+ years in the arms of another man and all that follows. …sex of course. Pshaw, I have 20 years+ experience on this tender-foot. I know what pleases her and I know what buttons to push, and she mine, to make that part of our lives very enjoyable for both of us. That would make the handy-man a "wannabe", an "also-ran" and a "DNF". <P>Ynuk…Ynuk. <P>Thanks Again!<BR>Bob D. <BR>Sunny and HOT Florida<BR>

Bob D<BR>Ah, the mental images....they will make you crazy if you let them. But be assured that you are normal in this and that it does get better. Your wife is also normal in wanting it to all "go away".....not realistic, but certainly normal. She is dealing with her own negative mental images of her affair and they hurt her almost as much as yours hurt you.<P>If the doors of good communication are open, I suggest trying to find a way to share with each other when you are struggling and then working together to build new mental images. It is also important to exercise pure will and determination not to allow the negative images to control your life. I would consciously think of something else or quote favorite Bible verses in my head. I also found that mentally listing all the good things that were going on helped to redirect my thoughts.<P>I can tell you from personal experience that I have gone from fighting the negatives on a moment by moment basis to fighting them on a sporadic one. It has been 18 months since the revelation and end of the affair (it was very brief) and I have times when I struggle for a couple of days and then go weeks at a time with no trouble at all. I do find when my husband and I talk about it that he also struggles with his own personal trials and knowing this somehow makes it easier on me. Not because I am glad that he suffers too, but because we are drawn closer to each other as we share our suffering along with sharing our love and the good times.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><BR>

Hello Bob D.<P> I'm new to this site and I can surely relate to those images. As if the mind is your worst enemy. In my situation; my wife's affair with my best friend and those images involve the two most trusted and loved people in my life and they also hurt me more than anyone in my life. My wife just says that it is a choice and of coarse my reply is yeah right. You sit in my shoes (which by the Grace of God) I will not allow to happen and tell me how easy that is. It wasn't near as easy as giving yourself to another man nor quite as much fun. You (we) do have top try and focus on something positive and I hope those things exist in your marriage. Right now for myself I see so much badness (is that a word). A world of ridiculous double standards all set on making me feel like dirt for sending a Christmas card and knowing the gift my wife has given away......resenment, resentment, resentment. To know that I would not succumb to teases that could please my ego or place myself in a potential place of failure and to know that my wife view was not to avoid that place but "if it's hidden noone gets hurt". To continue in that affair for four months all the time thinking (reportedly) how much I want for our marriage but I'm just not willing to ealk away from my fun for it. To hear the pain in the voices of her brothers as they told her of their wives affairs and to see the anger in her over someone hurting someone she cared about but when she turned into the very same type of woman she despised it was OK.....because it pleases ME. And after all, shouldn't we have two sets of standards in a marriage, my husbands which I expect to be high and mine which of coarse can be adjusted as needed to please myself. Do I need to tell anyone I'm angry. Does love override such a destruction. I look forward to your reply. BK

Bob,<BR> <BR>You have received some very good suggestions and advice, including one from one of my very best lifesavers, HGBrawner. When I came to this site, about a year and a half ago, HGB and Almost Happy and many others were instrumental in my recovery. I was in much the same position as you, a long term marriage (30 yrs) , betrayed, other family problems, self esteem destroyed, not to mention trust. I seriously had just about given up. When it seems your whole life is shattered with no hope of a better day, it's devastating. At the time, HGB and Almost Happy were going through her own personal hurt and recovery but took the time to help me. It has now been over a year and a half of rebuilding and we are doing great. I won't kid you. It's been tough. The toughest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I, too, dealt with those "images", the shock, the hurt, the revenge factor, the whole nine yards,,but so far, we've made it. And it's better now than it was at the beginning of our marriage. Honest!! You can do this Bob. It's not easy but it is possible. When I used to hear this, I used to think "Well, possible for you maybe but not us,,we are different, our problems are so much worse, my hurt is so much deeper, I can't get rid of this hate, this anger, these pictures in my mind, the lies,,,," and so on and so on. I was wrong. I have received so much help and advice from this forum and I know I wouldn't be in the postion I am today without it. Email me if you'd like Bob,,I will offer you my help and suggestions,,, ,,Nerlycrzy@aol.com.. Good luck Bob,,,,,,,,hang in there

Bob,<BR>The Mental Images, Those are tough, The way I delt with it was to make new ones. I know it is a struggle to think different, but, try to picture more of you and your wife and how you would like it to be, replace with new images. Belive me, Time will take care of it, I too had those thoughts about giving up, more times than I would like to remember. Now I think, after 19 months in recovery, how could I even think about it when we have come so far and I have given my ALL, and so has He. You have to start having compassion for your wife, when you want to bring it up, DON'T, just tell her you need a hug, I even tell my H that I need a hug over the phone, and he knows that I am going through a moment, without bringing it up again. I think we just want them to know. Something Nerlycrazy finally got through my head, (I think she has helped me more than I have helped her), I am still thinking of the past---- when I get emotional, instead of realizing I am still healing, more emotional about things then before, I shouldn't blame my H now, he isn't doing anything wrong now, just the opposite, Let him comfort me, tell him I need him, get back to husband and wife stuff. Also, every time you bring up the past, you let her think about the OM again, why be the one to make her remember? One last thing, get your phone # changed to an unlisted one. Take that away too. Oh, one more thing, Listen to people here on the board that have been through this, don't just ask, then slip back, you have to move on, it won't just go away, you have to work at moving time along. Think about NOW and the Future. <P>Nerycrazy, <BR>We were so lucky to find each other here, we are so far apart in miles, but so close in heart. Thank you! <P>------------------<BR>"TIME" :)<P><BR>

I have found a better mental image method. If one of the negative images starts I say "No". I don't care who may hear me. Then I switch to a pleasant mental image of a positive moment in the past few weeks that includes my W. Although we are new to the betrayed-betrayer thing we are working together to get over this hump. As down and depressed as I have been I am lucky that we had a strong marriage before I fell of the reality wagon running board. I see the pain and the suffering many here are going through and I have to consider myself lucky. <P>As you know my cancer is all it's ramifications are part of the mix. I beat cancer the first time around because of a positive attitude and outlook. Yes, BK when the affair came to light I was angry. Very, very angry. And I had a right to be. Because she betrayed me at the time I needed her most. I am past that anger marker. It solves nothing. I am into my positive mode. Hell, I beat cancer first time I can beat this. <P>HG, the doors of communication are open for us and she is doing her best getting me thru this. I have cut her some slack as I see she is going thru her tough moments too. She is blaming herself and feeling guilt for things (aside from the affair) that are not her fault. <P>Almost Happy you suggested the "I need a hug thing". It works! We used to use it all the time. I forgot it was there and how to use it. Seems I had forgotten a lot of things that we had that had sustained our marriage for 20 years. And I am not saying the blame is all mine. But I did help push her out the door. The cancer had a lot to do with that as well. I'll explain some other time. Having my W at my counseling session on Wed was a big boost for me and I think both of us. Brought some real understanding to both sides of the problem.<P>Its been a little over a month since I found out about the Affair. Yesterday we received some news about my cancer that is going to present us with a very difficult test right at the start of our recovery. But we feel we are light-years ahead of where we were just a month ago. We talked about the cancer news last night and we think we are ready for whatever comes along. And just like first time around my W promises she will be here to get me thru this one too. I know and trust she will. We were to leave for a 10 day vacation (A L O N E) on Friday but that has to be put on hold for at least one day until we get a handle on this latest cancer thing. <P>Life is blessed and short. Love and happiness are too valuable to waste. We must make the best of each day that we are given. For quite some time I wasn't doing that. I was not appreciating, nor was I being thankful for what I had been given and I almost lost it all. The affair was a wake up call to get my act together. There are two ways to look at the "A". Negative or positive. We feel we can treat the affair as a positive thing as it brought me (us) back from the brink of losing each other. <P>Thank you all! <P><BR>

Dear Glen,<P>I have caller ID on my pc that logs all calls to our house. I have been tacking those calls and you are right the one or two ringers were wrong numbers. It was just my mind and those mental images. My W says she has cut off all contact with the OM and I trust she has. All outward indications are she has cut it off totally. I have to trust her. The tape recorder passed thru my mind at times but if I did that it would indicate, to me if no one else, that the trust wasn't there. I dismissed the tape recorder idea. Sides if there was contact I wouldn't want to hear it! The trust has to start somewhere. I have shut my bag of spy tricks. Trust is the primary foundation of a marriage. Only now for me it is knowing trust and not the blind trust it once was. Too bad, too sad that the blind type is gone but.....<P>Thanks,<BR>Bob D.