Dr. Harley--<BR>I am immersed in your book "Surviving An Affair" as I'm writing it to you. I just started it an hour ago and have already reached pg. 74. I had to write to you to ask how to approach dealing with my father's affair that I've known about now for almost a year. <BR>I am 25 and the oldest of 4 girls. We were brought up in a strong Christian home and being from a small town, everyone used our family as a model example. I thought the same...until almost a year ago, my mother called me to tell me that she had walked in an discovered my father was involved in an affair with my aunt--his brother's wife!@# My mother doesn't have any close friends that she felt she could turn to for support, so she made the mistake (or at least that's the way I feel) of calling me and turning to me for support. Of course this completely shattered the perception I had for my father. I have a forgiving heart and because I love my dad so much, I seem to have just let it go. I cannot seem to look at my aunt in the same way. I really resent her at this point. <P>I haven't found a way to deal with this at all because no one is letting any of us. I was asked to keep this a huge secret--none of my sisters were to know, none of the rest of the family was to know. As a result, my mother has wanted to isolate my aunt out of every family activity and I have taken the viewpoint that she's being selfish, unforgiving, and is hurting the relationship that she and my uncle have with my younger sisters. But now after reading your book, you say that all contact with the lover needs to be cut off. <P>How would you suggest this happen when it's a situation such as this? If that were to happen, an explanation would have to occur to the rest of the entire family, my father's relationship with his brother would be non-existant, and the relationship with our favorite uncle would no longer be possible because he's still married to my aunt who cheated with my father. <P>I've carried this burden with me for almost a year and haven't had any way to deal with it. Neither have my parents and at this point that's no longer acceptable in my eyes. It disheartens me that they're mearly living as roomates rather than working through the pain of this and actually dealing with it. I have taken it upon myself to help them work this through but I know the complication of the issue is something I can't deal with on my own. <P>I am hurting desperately and would really appreciate your advice. I am truly enjoying your book and hope as I progress through the pages, more answers will be revealed. Ultimately I know that the Lord is in control of the situation. <P>Thank you

Hello.<BR> Just saw your post...I am very sorry for your pain, and that of your family. <P> Dr. Harley does not normally post here...this forum is for folks who are working on their marriages using Harley's principles...just regular folks who discuss & share with each other.<P> However, I will say that you are right that this isn't likely to heal unless it is dealt with. It is, however, your parents problem to deal with...if they choose not to deal with it, there is not a lot you can do. I would suggest that you share the SAA book with your mom. Another good book is "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. <P> Again, I am sorry for your painful situation. Feel free to post anytime..you will get more response if you post on the Infidelity board, tho.<P>Take care--<P>Kathi

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by daughter1:<BR><B>Dr. Harley--<BR>I am immersed in your book "Surviving An Affair" as I'm writing it to you. I just started it an hour ago and have already reached pg. 74. I had to write to you to ask how to approach dealing with my father's affair that I've known about now for almost a year. <BR>I am 25 and the oldest of 4 girls. We were brought up in a strong Christian home and being from a small town, everyone used our family as a model example. I thought the same...until almost a year ago, my mother called me to tell me that she had walked in an discovered my father was involved in an affair with my aunt--his brother's wife!@# My mother doesn't have any close friends that she felt she could turn to for support, so she made the mistake (or at least that's the way I feel) of calling me and turning to me for support. Of course this completely shattered the perception I had for my father. I have a forgiving heart and because I love my dad so much, I seem to have just let it go. I cannot seem to look at my aunt in the same way. I really resent her at this point. <P>I haven't found a way to deal with this at all because no one is letting any of us. I was asked to keep this a huge secret--none of my sisters were to know, none of the rest of the family was to know. As a result, my mother has wanted to isolate my aunt out of every family activity and I have taken the viewpoint that she's being selfish, unforgiving, and is hurting the relationship that she and my uncle have with my younger sisters. But now after reading your book, you say that all contact with the lover needs to be cut off. <P>How would you suggest this happen when it's a situation such as this? If that were to happen, an explanation would have to occur to the rest of the entire family, my father's relationship with his brother would be non-existant, and the relationship with our favorite uncle would no longer be possible because he's still married to my aunt who cheated with my father. <P>I've carried this burden with me for almost a year and haven't had any way to deal with it. Neither have my parents and at this point that's no longer acceptable in my eyes. It disheartens me that they're mearly living as roomates rather than working through the pain of this and actually dealing with it. I have taken it upon myself to help them work this through but I know the complication of the issue is something I can't deal with on my own. <P>I am hurting desperately and would really appreciate your advice. I am truly enjoying your book and hope as I progress through the pages, more answers will be revealed. Ultimately I know that the Lord is in control of the situation. <P>Thank you</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>First, I'm sorry that your parents have gotten their marriage in such a mess, the tentacles of the affair have affected everyone who loves them. <P>Second, I'm sorry that your mother had the bad judgment to involve you in this as her confidante. She probably would not call you and burden you, if she could have seen one year later the effect it has had on you. She must have been in desperate pain, but this burden of secrecy and of being in the middle, is unfair to you. <P>Third, is the affair still ongoing? Or has it ended? If so or if not, how do you know for sure?<P>What a selfish thing your father did. <P>Are your parents willing to (or have they already gotten into) counseling to repair their marriage? Has either one of them proposed the idea to the other? <P>I'm sorry. Wish there was a helpful solution to fix this. <P>Fourth: Why does your mother continue living with your father (the betrayer) but exclude your aunt (the other woman) when they are both of equal blame in the affair? (It takes two.) And likewise, if you can forgive your father why can't you forgive your aunt? They both did the same thing. They both hurt your mother.<P>Last, get yourself out of the middle of this. You aren't a marriage counselor, and even if you were, it would not be right to try to help your parents with such a painful thing. Your post doesn't say anything they are doing to work things through. You even say that "they are living as roommates rather than working throught he pain". <P>Putting you in the middle was unfair to you. It puts you in a position of powerlessness but at the same tremendous responsibility. You shouldn't be there. I realize that being the eldest daughter you have probably taken on responsibilities for the younger sisters that helped your family. Keeping this secret isolates you from your sisters. <P>Solution? I wish there was one. Maybe wiser heads on the boards have one. <P>

Ouch. This is a sticky one. Does your father know that you know? that wasn't clear in your post. if he does, then you and both your parents need to get together and get you out of it. they need to make a lot of decisions between and for themselves, and then set about implementing those decisions. <BR>whatever those are, you need to be out of the middle of it. whether or not the aunt can get it right with the uncle is another story completely, but really shouldn't be your concern at this point.<BR>i agree that you need to get some of the material from this site in their hands, and in their heads.<BR>God be with you