so many mistakes my H and I have made...most mistakes from lack of (no) communication and looking in the wrong place for answers. 3 years ago, I turned back to God, spent 2 years self studying the Bible, and actively attending Church/Bible Study for past year...and H feels threatened by my good attitude. He refuses to discuss any serious topic. The only thing he will say is "I am not going anywhere" I am to guess he means he is not planning on leaving? He refuses to attend Church because he "used to go to Church" He refuses to go to counseling because he "will not talk about this personal stuff" Any attempt to discuss finances, honesty, responsibilities (children, pets, home, etc) becomes an arguement. I have been learning and correcting my mistakes. My H and I are room mates, we only discuss todays top news, what funny thing the dogs done, generic "How was work today?" He REFUSES to discuss anything that might shed light on what he WANTS. He constantly complains but we can not sit and talk quietly to resolve an issue. Most complaints could be resolved if I quit working, but he refuses to live without my income. I am tired of feeling like I have to solve everything. What do you do when your partner refuses to act like one?

Your situation is identical to mine. My husband and I have been married for four years, and have a daughter and one on the way. It seems as though we can never hold an "adult" conversation about anything pertaining to our marriage or family. My husband says the same thing "I'm here, aren't I" when I ask about his committment to the marriage and family.<P>I say that to say this, practically all men are the same, they have a desire to have their space, and when that is threatened, they rebel. Having a wife, kids, mortgage, etc. is a lot of responsibility, and a man often times does not want to face those issues after a hard, long day at work. So, what I have found that works best for us, is when we talk at night in bed. The kids must be sleep, the TV must be off, and it must be just you and him sharing a small space like the bed or car. I have found that is when me and my husband have our most intimate conversations. He tells me his feelings, his thoughts, and concerns, and I typically just listen. But these moments reassure me that he does hear and understand me, as I'm sure your husband hears and understands you. Try it, tonight!

Oh! I am not sure if you do or not but DON'T NAG!!!! I have found that I get more apologies out of my husband when I am meek and gentle with my tone. I don't ever use "you", instead I say "I feel", that way he doesn't get so defensive. We moved back to his hometown about 6 months ago, and since that time, he goes "out" with his friends at least 5-6 nights a week. At times I have exploded, but I have normally let him come and go, and not nagged. Today, after telling him I need his help more around the house, he says he's going to stay at home more. See how that works, you don't nag, you don't get frustrated and upset, and eventually, your husband turns around.

Wow! BMTbaby hit the nail on the head. When a man feels like he is being pressured to do something, often times they rebel. I've been experiencing that myself lately. My husband and I are separated, and I have been pressuring him to come back, talk, go to counseling soon. It just pushes him further away. I've noticed when I don't push and pressure and make an effort to give him the room he needs, he is taken off guard and comes to me. My husband has issues about my sense of "controlling him," so everything I do seems like a threat to his independence. Just keep trying to meet his needs gently. Don't stop telling him your feelings. But don't nag. Preface what you say with "I think you're special, etc.(admiration)" and then say that you are interested in his thoughts because they are his. Don't get hysterical. Make it sound like he is the most interesting thing since sliced bread. When a man feels pressured, controlled, or criticized, they freak. They don't like knowing that they are dissapointing you. Many just like the status quo: ignorance is bliss.

My goodness...the "ignorance is bliss" comment that was posted is certainly appropriate for many of us married to these frustratingly-quiet men. <P>I have a question; now that we old-married wives can look back, was anyone else's now-quiet husband ever a decent communicator?<BR> I think one positive aspect I liked about my husband when we were dating and first married was he didn't complain much, and didn't ever tell me what to do. <P>But come to think of it, now I realize he just isn't very involved in our 25 year marriage or our children's lives.<BR>

Actually, my husband was always the great communicator and I was the "quiet one." I think it's like a tandem bike: the more one spouse does something, the less the other does it or the less someone does something the more the other does to try to compensate. One person has assumed a role and the other becomes the yin to his/her yang. I guess to try and back off would maybe be a good start. I read a story about a woman who hated that her husband would always eat at the dinner table with no shirt. She tried nagging and arguing but to no avail. One day when he sat down at the table she quietly got up and came back to the table stark naked. He left and put on a shirt and it never happened again. Is there anything that can be done to shock your spouse in hearing you?