Hello..I have alot to say, but I will try to say it quickly. My hubby and I have been married since 1988. We have a 10 year old daughter and he has a 16 year old daughter from his first marriage. His ex made my life hell the first few years of marriage and told so many rumors of me that I found myself leaving my own home during my stepdaughter's visits and I began to feel like a fifth wheel. I never realized until a major blow to our marriage just how MUCH my hubby was NOT standing up for me at all with that woman. If he kept silent, he felt that it would all go away, so he chose to have my name drug thru the mud. Back in 1997, I found out that he had been having an affair with a co-worker and guess what his main reason was?? The fact that "I" had caused so much of a strain on his relationship with his child..the fact that I left our home during her visits. I was floored..I know affairs make you come up with all different excuses..but come on. Little by little, I found out that his ex had been told my him AND his family that it was my fault that he stopped picking his daughter up all the time..why wasn't I told? I was never even looked at differently in this matter. I didn't even know he was upset about it. He switched jobs in 92 and began a swing shift job, so he could barely see his daughter. He told me THAT was the reason he wasn't picking her up or calling her as much. Little did I know that he was blaming me more and more each day. To him, the resentment built and that was the main factor in him feeling distant towards me. <P>Today, we are better in alot of ways..his affair was a nightmare to get over and I feel pretty good about myself. But, I find that I am holding so much anger towards him over the situtaion with his child..how dare he blame me for this! To know that he went the route he did and tell everyone but me..my daughter was very young at the time and there were several rumors of sexual abuse going around by his ex. She claims that my hubby's stepdad had molested my stepdaughter, yet no charges were filed. Did I want my daughter drawn in that mess? My hubby stood back and said nothing. <P>His daughter is running wild and is into all kinds of trouble today (surprise!) and her mother has basically given up on her. When she has come out to our house over the past year and a half, it's been nothing but sneaking and lies..every visit. My husband stood back and watched her do it and never laid down ground rules and she used him like a lunatic. I watched him say and do things that just wasn't him. He chose to forget morals and values and anything that might help her live her life. She saw that and guess what? She spent most of her time with me and my daughter, for "I" yes I, the wicked one that pushed her away, spent quality time with her trying to get her to talk. And she did...she would talk to me about anything..she would tell me how nice and friendly I was. She loved the fact that I was so open to her about my life and the fact that she could come to me about problems. I felt good to know that. Now, my hubby has basically given up on her and chooses not to call her or pick her up - AGAIN. Her running has made him panic and he doesn't want to take the responsibility...so he hides out. So, who does he blame this time? <P>How do I get over this anger??!!! It is riding me high..believe me. How can he have a good relationship with our daughter, but not his oldest? He acts like if he never saw her again, it would be too soon. He HAS to wonder why she is doing the things she is..the poor thing is screaming for attention...<P>I feel so angry that I left my house all those years ago..I really do. I carried so much guilt over that..his ex drove me to leave and feel funny in my own home. My stepdaughter was told things about me that made her cold towards me and I didn't know how to act towards her due to that. <P>Was I selfish to leave and let this woman rule our house? Why would a man do that to his new wife..not stand up for her? I feel so bad for my stepdaughter..<P>I love my husband but I don't know if I am doing the right thing by staying with him. If I knew that he severed his relationship with his child over me, I would leave immediately, IF I knew it was totally my fault. But, should someone live the way I was living...being talked about the way I was and NOT having her husband and in-laws backing her up? <P>I am starting to look at him differently and I feel scared. I no longer will be "blamed" for his not seeing his child..he chose to not see her..he chose to not "see" what his ex was doing. I thought that when you married, that yours and your spouse's needs came first..I don't feel I ever came first. I feel like I had to fight to get heard when it came to the ex. I didn't have a voice and when she roared, he was right there to hear it..but not me. <P>Help!<P>

the only person who's actions you can control is you. if you are showing your husbands daughter that you are loving and open, you will be the one she opens up to. your husband could learn something from you. this child is only 16 and her parents have given up on her, how sad. all the stuff with his ex wife from years ago is exactly where it should be-in the past. maybe your H was still intimidated by her then. although she sounds like a terrible person, try to imagine your self in her shoes. the father of your child stops seeing her and instead of taking responsibility for himself, he conspiritorially blames it on you, his new wife. of course you were the easy one to hate and spread rumors about. but your actions will speak for themselves, as will hers (gossiping, lieing) does your husband discuss things with you? have you asked him whats going on in his mind? about his daughter, or the stuff with his ex in the past? has he ever apologized for not sticking up for you? if he's never asked for forgiveness, its no wonder you're still resentful. i'm not recommending dredging up the past, but if it still pains you then either discuss it with him or make a promise to your self not to let it bother you anymore. you are the one setting an example for a lost teenage soul, so far it sounds like a good one.