My husband and I have been married for about 5 months. He has children; I do not. <BR>Our problem is it seems that my life revovles around his "other family".<BR>We have very little money because he is either paying child support or going back to court with the ex constantly. He does not have a car because of the ex, she stole it, but since they were married at the time nothing could be done. <BR>I just graduated from nursing school. I will have a good paying job soon and I feel like I will have to support the two of us becasue he can not. I want to go back to school and he feels that I need to help pay the bills (all he pays is rent). I am tired of making sacrifies for his "other family."<BR>He expects me to help feed, bathe, and care for his children, but I have not asked him to do anything that requires as much time and sacrifice. <BR>I feel like he is treating me unfiarly. I have to pay ALL bills (except rent), because every other dime he gets goes to child support or court costs. I can hardly get on my feet. Are there any suggestions on how we can make a FAIR compromise?

Unfortunately, middle ground isn't someplace we can give you a map to...it is someplace you and your H have to negotiate your way to.<P>When you marry someone with children, you commit to help raise the children, whether you realize it or not. You can't really say to your spouse, "I love you and commit fully to support you and your needs, to be your partner and helpmeet for life, except when it comes to your children."<P>So, maybe this is a wake-up call for you...Time to decide: do you want this relationship enough to accept the kids lovingly, or will they always be excess baggage to you? If the latter, it isn;t fair to any of you to stay in the relationship...the resentment and anger will poison you all.<P>However, if the relationship with this man is something you truly want to make work, then you and your H should discuss what BOTH of you need and want out of the marriage. Marrying someone with kids involves a lot of giving, but it should not be one-sided. You need to feel that your needs are being met also, and that you and the marriage are important to him. He needs to understand how to make you feel important to him...not just a babysitter.<P>If you are both committed and willing to give, you can work out a lot of compromises...get creative and see how to make it so BOTH of you get your most important needs met.<P>And, if you haven't already, read the info on negotiating in marriage and the Policy of Joint Agreement.<P>Good luck.<P><BR>

3 questions:<BR>does his asking you to "help" care for his children mean that he is expecting you to do all the child-care?<BR>before you got married, did you understand that he was going back & forth to court?<BR>did he tell you how much all this cost & how much he earned?<P>The reason I'm asking is because it sounds like you may not have paid attention to his previous obligations & his intentions before you got married.<P>Some men remarry because they don't want to learn how to be caregivers for their children. So they figure, "I'll find some girl, marry her, & she'll take care of the children." Sometimes they don't understand that they are asking someone else who has no emotional or social ties to their children to act in a parental role. One thing many people forget is that the parental role is a two-way street, both adults & children have to agree that this adult is allowed to be the parent. For most biological/adoptive parents, this is a given. For foster & step-parents this is not necessarily a given & unless the bio- parent makes it clear to the children, life can be miserable.<BR>Sometimes in the throes of first love, we don't really listen to some of the more difficult aspects, or we figure, it can't be that bad. So when the reality pops up, we are taken back and shocked.<BR>I think you both need to understand what all the expectations are before you can speak of fair compromises.

My husband is not dropping the kids off, he does take care of them. He dresses them and combs hair in the morning. He is a very good father. But, when he is working he expects me to help. He wants me to cook, clean up after his kids and bathe. I work and go to school. I am tired when I get home. I would like to be able to sit in my house and rest. With kids you can't do that. They will not be quiet and that is an unrealistic expectation. But that does not mean I can not want that.<BR>Although i am not doing the majority of the caregiving, i still don't feel like I am getting my equal share. I have never asked him to help me do those kinds of things. I have never asked him to sacrifice hours of his day to do something he would rathe not be doing. I take very good care of his kids and I feel like I deserve something in return, considering they are not mine. <BR>I have discussed with him what my needs are, but they are almost impossible for him to meet. I NEED financail support and affection the most. he gives me affection, but I would much rather have financail support. I don't have a ring because he has to go to court every few months with the ex because she wants more money, that costs money. I have specifically told him what I would like for him to do around the house, but that sometimes gets done and sometimes it doesn't. I need to be able to sit down and talk to my husband without being interupted, but when his kids ae in the bed, we are also. <BR>My needs are not being met anymore and they were being met when we first married which is why i married him. I do love him, but I am tired of feeling like I am the only person who is sacrificing and getting very little in return for my efforts.

First, how often are his kids at your house?<P>Second, Have the two of you sat down and gone thru the ENs questionnaires? Do you know--from the horse's mouth what his needs are, and he yours? <P>Can the two of you sit down and brainstorm how BOTH of your needs could be met? Are your needs and his ones that can realistically be met by working together? <P>

The kids are at our house every other weekend and 31 days in the summer which is going on right now.<BR>We have gone through the EN's list and I know what he needs and he knows what I need. He "tries" to do the best that he can and I ralize that, but my needs are still unmet.<BR>I realize that some of my needs can not be realistically met at this time, but that still does not mean that the need goes away. <BR>i am unable to sit down and share ways that each person's need can be met because we argue about what can and can not be done. I sincerely do not mean to hurt him, but when I express or remind him that my needs are not being met, he is offended.

kd31700, everything you say is a valid concern. I think that what I posted on the other thread about the children applies, you need to step back so that your needs are met. Once you now longer feel that you are being 'used' by your husband, your need for financial security will ease somewhat.<P>One thing that you & your H have to talk about is whether his X is trying to get more CS because he is now living with you. This is a ploy that many courts are now using, stating that because the new wife works, all the husband's $$ should go to supporting the Xwife. Many, many people are not marrying or are divorcing because of this short-sightedness of the court system. They are also garnishing the new wife's wages & impounding retirement accounts to pay CS - whether or not it is late. Since most state's computer systems are in a disasterous situation, many people are being branded as late or delinquent when actually the state has lost the payments.<P>Once you understand the financial situation with his X, it will be easier for you to accept that your needs will be met but, maybe on a slower timeframe than you'd like.<P>I'd recommend that you make certain that you are funding your 401K and IRA to maximum extent possible. This will help you to feel more secure about your financial situation. Also, look at your H's tax returns from previous years & determine if he can increase the number of deductions he is claiming. This will reduce the tax refund but provide for more income now when you need it.<P>How old are his children & how many? Aren't they old enough to handle dressing & cereal by themselves? If your H put out the dishes, cereal boxes & poured juice & milk into smaller, easy to pour containers, couldn't they dress & feed themselve breakfast then play until you woke up later? If you were in the house, they could always run & wake you up in case of an emergency.<P>Hugs

The ex is only concerned about money and I am sure that if she was allowed to she would try to take mine also. But she was trying to get all she could form him before I was involved. She told me that she felt like it was his responsibility to take care of them financially.<BR>No, the kids are not old enough to do anything for themselves. They are 3 and 4. I would not dare leave them in a room alone for more than five minutes. They are ALWAYS into something, even in the middle of the night.<BR>I really do appreciate all your input. I know it probably seems like i am only concerned about myself, bbut I know that the way I feel is bothering my H, and I want to find some suggestions on what can be done. Thank You sooooooo much.

I have a girlfriend in this same boat. She gave her man an ultimatum. So, sometimes a person has to be shaken up a little to let them know that you have another life in addition to your past. Remember the part of the wedding vows that say,"Forsaking All Others". How soon they forget. Bring some bibical scriptures to Mr. Man's attention and then you will have his attention. That is if he loves the Lord and plans to live with you according to God's plans for your marriage. God be with you. Stay in pray about this, it's not as bad as it seems. You see Satan does not want us to be happy so why not inject some kind of foolishness into you mind. Stay faithful.

My situation was somewhat the same.I will start off w/good news.It has gotten better.It took alot of patience on my part.My husband had to learn how to deal w/his x as the mother of his children not his wife.Every time they spoke they would argue about the same issues they had when they were married.Alot of what the x wife deals with is trying to remain in control.If that means taking all of his money than thats what she will do.My H ex would have his oldest write him a letter saying how much she did not like me ,and she would only come to visit if I was not there.Knowing I check the mail and would read it.It has been five years[ three married] and things are just now starting to level out.I had to sit down to a meal 3 nights ago w/ex wife,new husband[hers,which helps tremendously],their kids and us along w/my daughter.It was very awkward but if it helps the kids to see us fake getting along,than I'm all for it.You will make it through this w/patience and love for your H.If we had not found God,we would not have survived this.Goodluck and Godbless.

I am so glad to hear that it could get better. I sincerely love this man. I want him to be happy and I also want to be happy. My having faith in God is the ONLY reason that I have not opened my mouth to say ugly words to this woman. I rally do not see us sitting down to dinner, but who knows. I would love to be able to communicate with her, if only for the kids, but she s very self centered. I am glad to know that I am not alone.