Hello! Does anyone out there have any suggestions for me? I have been married 25 years to a beer-loving husband, who will not admit he has a drinking problem. This problem really hit home last year, when he received his first DUI. However, after going thru only the mandatory treatment and counseling, he has slid back towards the destructive drinking and disappearing. We have 3 teenage children, and we're all disgusted with his behavior. I have been going to counseling, but he has resisted.<P>Any advice?<BR>Thanks

Have you tried AA? They have weekly meetings for family members - they talk about the various behaviors and how to deal with the individual situation.

Thanks for the insight I've learned here on this website. Sorry to post this, but just 2 days after I wrote the first note, my husband was arrested for drunk driving and lost his job (as a result). He'd been at this job nearly 20 years. I will keep you all posted on what's the latest.<P>Thanks, Bonnie

Bonnie,<P>If you have been to counselling, they must have told you the truth about alcoholics. They are married to the bottle - not to you. You should go to an alanon meeting. Most people hesitate because they are not religious, and think that they will get spoon fed religious propaganda, but only by going will you find that out.<P>Alanon should teach you what to expect and what you can do (or can't do) about your husband. There will be other spouses of alcoholics there to talk to, and to call when there is an emergency.<P>One thing you can't do is to make your husband stop drinking - only he can do that for himself when he feels that he really wants to. This is not a bad reflection on you. You can't think that he would stop drinking if:<P>1. His job was more rewarding<BR>2. His wife and kids respected him more<BR>3. He wasn't so depressed<P>All of the above problems may be in his mind the reasons that he drinks, but the truth may be closer to all of the things above have happened because he drinks.<P>Once you have accepted that you cannot stop him from drinking, you have to move to a position where you do not enable his drinking. Tell him firmly that if he is drinking that you will leave the house. And then do it - with the children. Take them somewhere. This may be where alanon may be useful - you may meet people who will help you.<P>Alcoholism is fatal. In all cases. Most drunks never find AA until they have hit bottom. They lose everything - their jobs, their possessions, their families. It could be that the only way that you can save your marriage is to separate from him until he sobers up. This may wake him up while still preserving some vestige of love or respect for him in your heart.<P>Do not give up love or hope for him, but do remember that you cannot control his drinking and that your decisions should take that into consideration. Expect that he will get drunk and embarrass you, or forget to pick up something - that's the way of life for an alcoholic.<P>Sorry I couldn't make you feel better - dealing with alcoholism is a major problem. I hope that he realizes how dangerous he is. Next time he might kill someone.<P>H

Hey Bonnie,<P>This one hit home, mostly because I've been the drinker in our marriage and my wife has been dealing with my drinking for years. I drank a lot when we met, and although I've slowed down considerably over the years, I had to go through a DUI and some major sober time before I changed my lifestyle at all. I'm not sure that I'm an alcoholic, as my drinking is minimal now, but I can tell you that alcoholics will seriously consider divorcing you rather than giving up drinking, they equate it with "keeping their freedom," or other unrealistic views of what's happening. The bottom line is that unless he has a "moment of clarity" or some awful happening in his life (maybe the 2nd DUI did it)he probably won't quit. I hope you've been to at least one al-anon meeting (for family and friends of alcoholics) it will probably help you greatly to get free of the addiction, because like it or not, it's screwing up your life too. Remmeber, addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages, and it sounds like you're a hostage right now. Good luck<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bonnie-on-line:<BR><B>Hello! Does anyone out there have any suggestions for me? I have been married 25 years to a beer-loving husband, who will not admit he has a drinking problem. This problem really hit home last year, when he received his first DUI. However, after going thru only the mandatory treatment and counseling, he has slid back towards the destructive drinking and disappearing. We have 3 teenage children, and we're all disgusted with his behavior. I have been going to counseling, but he has resisted.<P>Any advice?<BR>Thanks </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><p>[This message has been edited by Woody (edited August 24, 2000).]