My husband and I recently seperated. During the past week I have read all I can about reconciling. Especially the info here at MB. We read alot of it together. My problem is this: He has stated that he cannot open up to me and be completely honest. "It's not in him to be able to open up completely" is what he says. He did tell me he had an affair 4 years ago. But has not told me anything about other secrets he has kept from me. He says he is doing it cause he doesn't want to hurt me and cannot be totally honest because that would make him vulnerable and he doesn't want to be that way. My imagination is running wild with things he "may" have done. Is there anyway I can help him to open up to me? I want our marriage to work, I love him more than anything and am ready to hear and accept his mistakes. I don't think we can progress in reconciliation without him being honest with me.

jamis,<P>The key to encouraging more honesty from your H is to create a safe environment for him to honest in. In other words your responses to what he tells you needs to be non-judgemental. It would probably be helpful if you would go to the pages on this site that explain Love Busting and how to avoid it. It is quite likely that some of the things your H will tell you will be painful for you. You need to know how to respond honestly to what he tells you, but without Love Busting. Creating that safe environment may take some time.<P>With every little bit he does open up you need to thank him for his honesty. When he told you about the affair you needed to be honest about your pain but also tell him that you were glad that he cares enough about you to be honest with you even about a time that he btrayed you. <P>There is no doubt this is going to be tricky. You should be looking for little trickles of honesty. Don't expect him to open the flood gates all at once. He will test you with little bit of information. How you respond will influence whether he will be more or less likely to share more.<P>Mud <><

Guess what, he finally opened up. The floodgates let go. I heard alot of stuff that hurt but I really needed to know. He has been having an affair. I guess in my heart I knew but always wanted to "believe" in him.<BR>We have been talking alot these past couple days. He said he talked to the OW and it is over between them. Of course, now that I know about the affair, I want to know who she is. I have made a couple of guesses but he won't tell me. I want to know that he won't see her or talk to her. Drives me crazy to think about it.<P>I hope that this improved openess will improve our relationship and allow us to be closer.<P>I guess we'll see. Take care all.