Dear friends,<P><BR>My H said that it is a common fact that when a spouse is under lots of stress that they take it out on their nearest and dearest. <BR> <BR>Is this true?? <BR> <BR>Why I ask is I am trying to understand what goes on in a healthy marriage. <BR> <BR>He said "See Theressa, when your tired sometimes your impatient and snappy and <BR>short fused".<BR> <BR> <BR>AND yes I am though I don't haul insults and nit pick at everything. <BR> <BR>My h said he nit picks when he is tired and angry because things bother him more at these times. <BR> <BR>He went on to say Theressa you see others marriages as all great, well they aren't. <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR>I said "Yes, I know everyone has ups and downs and are groggy, though with you, you <BR>tear me down you use me to release your stress, this isn't okay." <BR> <BR>He said "That happens in ALL marriages" <BR> <BR>Does it??? <BR> <BR>What happens in normal healthy marriages when one spouse is over stressed????? <BR> <BR> <BR>Thanks for taking the time, its so important to me so I can know how reasonable I am being. <P>Theressa

Theressa...<P> I can't speak for ALL marriages obviously - but I would guess that is is common for that person you're closest to getting the brunt of a foul mood that is not of their doing. I think it's because of a couple of factors:<P>1 - you're THERE! - He can complain all you want because you're there to listen. That's OK I think - hopefully, he's there for you when you've had a crappy day!<P>2 - He can confide in you - or feels open enough to share with you what he may not share with others. True - not the things you WANT to hear - but you are his mate - who else could he tell these things to?<P>3 - You CARE! Why waste your breath on someone who's not listening? Maybe the guys at work could give a rip, or have their own problems. He knows you care about him and the things that affect him - so even though it hurts to be the receiver of some of these things, you're the one he knows cares about him.<P>That doesn't mean that I think it's OK for him to vent his frustrations on you - or vice-versa - just that I've seen it, done it, and can understand it. When this happens, I think whoever the "Listener" is needs to be attentive, validate the other's feelings and be sympathetic - but not to try to "fix" things - I understand that men often try to fix their mate's problems when all she wants is a receptive ear.<P>Even though you should listen, you should also let him know if he's abusing you for things athat aren't your fault, or making you feel bad for things that you didn't cause. It's OK to feel bad "with" him - I think that's part of what sharing your life is about. You shouldn't be his "whipping boy" for what goes on in the office however.<P>Hope that helps!<P>Val<BR>(The Husband)