Trying to figure out what happened to our life. I was not really abused by a boyfriend but I saw my mother get abused many times by men and my step father now is controlling. He does not hit her or say mean things per say. But he is controlling. She does whatever he wants whenever he wants. I guess I just<BR>made up my mind to NOT be that way and stand for what I WANT. This is ruining my marriage now. We have been together for 7 years and married for 4.5 years. We have three kids also. I know that I love him but I just want things my way. He enjoys drinking ever night after work but I do not. I grew up with that all of the my life and I do not want my kids to see this and I do not want to go through that again. He is not abusive but he just does not seem to be there when he drinks. He also enjoys going out and playing cards with a couple of friends about 3 times a week. I feel this is a lot and I said that I do not understand why he wants to go out that much. I think once is okay to hang out with the boys. Am I totally unreasonable? Do I just say go ahead and see if he sees how much that bothers me. My family never showed much affection when I was growing up so I tend to not<BR>return it to my husband at times and that really bothers him because he was not raised that way. He is a good man but I guess I am frustrated because I do not know what to do. We are talking divorce because we cannot get along and negotiate. He is also hanging out with a friend that is just recently divorced for cheating on his wife. That kind of bothers me because he is always going to the bar and<BR>my husband will also go along with him. I have to beg him not to go because I feel that the bar is not a place for a married man to be. I know I am being selfish and I do not want to feel this way anymore. I need some advice before I really break down. I am trying to be strong for my children but it is hard. Please help.<BR>

I replied to your topic under the "control" topic.

OH MY GOSH! Are you married to my husband??????????? Long story short, I am 19, 71/2 months pregnant, and been married only for 4 months, it really is a good marriage. But my husband, I swear is just like yours. The only thing is he has is the abusive past...and the drinking past, not me. He loves to go out, it used to be about 4 times a week, and of course, he'd go out with all of his single friends to bars. Once we got married, I have to admit that it calmed down to once-twice a week, but he does go to clubs, (I would go, but being 7 1/2 months pregnant has kinda held me back). I get angry at him for wanting to be out so much, he gets angry at me for not understanding that he loves me, he just needs his "guy time". i have a lot of friends, but 99% of them left me when they found out I was pregnant and getting married. Plus, I work 40+ hours a week, and am too tired to go out on the week nights. I feel like I am being selfish sometimes, and sometimes I am, you ARE NOT. You are not being unreasonable either...you have 3 children, and a history together. You have every right to be upset about his frequent outings...esp. when he wants to go to bars. It's not like you can pick up and go with him with 3 kids at home. Also, you said that ya'll were talking about divorce...do you love him? Does he love you? Are both of ya'll committed to each other and the marriage? Then please don't talk about leaving each other. I know I have only been married a few short months, and I'm pretty young, but one of the many lessons I've learned so far is to not threaten, or even discuss divorce, or leaving one another. Yes, marriage can be really terrible sometimes, problems can really take a toll on a couple's oneness, but instead of talking of divorce, talk of a solution. You also said that you two aren't getting along, and he does not want to negotiate, but if God is at the base of you two, then nothing will stand in the way of ya'll coming together once again. Don't break down, or lose hope, I for one, am definitley here to relate to you, and what you are feeling....<BR>

Thank you for your suggestions and reply. Things are better and he realized it was who he was hanging out with. He only goes out about once ever other week. We are getting along so much better. We just talked things out and it worked!!! We are looking to move for promotion for him at his job. We are exicted. !! Thanks again for your support and understanding.!!!<P>Julie