My wife and I have been married for 13 years and things have not been going well for the last several years. We have two beautiful girls 5 and 7. Many of the issues we fight about are related to my controlling nature and her constantly overspending the budget and her need to be independent. I am tired of the fighting and have come to realize that I must take responsibility for my behavior and let her become her own person.<BR>She has gone back to school for the last two years and I have been supporting her both financially and by taking care of the kids and household. However, she still has alot of resentment and anger towards me and until about four months ago I did towards her. I have since let go of the anger and unfortunately became clinically depressed. I suggested that we go to consuling and we have for six sessions and she says that they are not making her feel better. She has not opened up during the sessions and has told me that she not going to cry because she does not want to feel bad anymore. Last year she was depressed and fought her way out of it but in the process detatched herself from me. She also has said that it just makes her mad to go to consuling because she feels that all the problems are mine. I know that the problems we have are not simple and we will need some outside help to navigate through them. I love my wife and realize my short comings and have been taking a hard look at myself but fear I may have done to much damage. If any one has any suggestions as to how I can handle trying to pull things back together I would appreciate it.

DW,<P>I can relate. I've been married for 7 years, no kids. I tend to be more frugal, and she overspent the budget quite a bit. She has been in training for the past year and only now is starting to have any appreciable income since we were married. So I've supported her and her horse for most of those years, and I resented it a bit, and sometimes it showed.<P>She was depressed and did the same, and detatched herself from me as well. But after reading these pages, I decided to give the LoveBank theory a try. Trust me, it is soooo hard to keep the Taker at bay. You'll fail now and then, but as long as you keep trying, you'll probably improve the way she sees you. <P>Read up on the Emotional Needs and try to figure out which ones are most important to her. Then try to fulfill those. Then, take a look at all your Love Busters, and try to avoid them at all costs. Give it a few months. You'll probably see improvement in her attitude towards you.<P>When my wife would spend money on something I thought was stupid or worthless, I'd get so angry at her. Turns out she was just trying to make up for deficiencies in my affection for her. She would go to the hairdresser almost every week at $40-60 a pop. It simply made her feel good. If I had been working harder at making her feel good, she might not have made so many trips there.<P>Tell me, when was the last time you sent her flowers? I don't mean the $5 bunches you buy off the street. I mean the big bouquets you pay to have delivered to her by some stranger. Have you ever?<P>When was the last time you bought her a simple card that says "I love you"?<P>When was the last time you listened to her gripe without defending yourself or countering with your own gripes?<P>If it has been over three years, or never, then try these out, combined with a serious awareness of EN's and LB's.<P>Let me know how it goes, and you might get more responses by posting in the Emotional Needs category, because that's where most of the forum participants tend to hang, in my limited experience.<P>Take Care,<P>stable guy<BR>

I appreciate your input Stable Guy. When we were first married I was very romantic, however, for the last two years I was too angry to send flowers or gifts. She would get credit cards and not tell me, charge them up, even went as far as getting her own post office box so that the bills would not come to the house. I have used all our money (stocks, 401K etc.) to keep us afloat and even changed jobs to make more money and cash in the 401K so as to not have to file bankruptcy. All this occurring while she was going to school and not working. Rarely did she seem sorry for doing it or for the lying. She also started going out with new friends and left no time for me or the family. She says the spending is something she does to relieve the stress or does when she gets mad at me (passive-agressive?). Unfortunately because of my own insecurities about finances and my emotional needs not being met, I could not see that she was really hurting and desperately needing to establish her own identity/independence. I just kept getting mad. <P>I have since realized this and have stopped the yelling and fighting although she still tries to fight at times. We are both hurting. In the last two months I have been bringing flowers home, leaving poems, giving her cards and doing small things for her. I have asked her what her needs are but she said she didn't have any. She says she is not going to consuling anymore, that it just makes her mad and that the consulor doesn't like her anyway. I suggested we get another consulor but she says she doesn't want to go. I suspect the real reason she doesn't want go is that she doesn't want to deal with the pain right now while in school (which is very difficult this semester), feels it is another way I am controlling her, needs to see that I have changed and to some extent see that I am hurting. At least while we were going to consuling I had some hope that things would get better, but now I am not sure. Does she just need time where she feels there is no pressure from me? She says she doesn't want to leave me, however, she also doesn't seem to want to make things better. I am confused and unfortunately the stress has taken its toll and I have become depressed.

Fisrt off, you don't have to sufer with depression. Go to a doctor get on anti-depressants. They won't make it all go away and you still have to deal with the problems but I can tell you they will help you be able to help yourself. Most anti-depressants take 2 to 3 weeks to kick in and they usually have about a 75-80% success rate so there is a possibility you may need to try more than one.<P>Next, you can not make your wife love you the way you want to be loved; you have to accept her as she is. I know you don't like the way she is now but she is in a defensive mode. This can and will change if you do not force it. Part of accepting her is to accept that YOU are responsible for your happiness. It would be wonderful if your wife shared in this happiness but it is not her job to make you happy.<P>I want to ask you a question: what are your goals in life. Let's assume you have a solid family life and look at where you are now and what you want to accomplish in the next few month or even years. I have been through long term, severe depression as well. Some of the casualties of this are our goals, asperations and ambition. Confidence and ambition are very strong attractors for women and when they are lacking, she will feel something missing. Because your wife is in school, she is exibiting ambition by striving for a goal; that being a college degree. If you do not have goals of your own she will see the difference in your's and her ambitions.<P>By all means continue to show her your affection. It may not be recripricated for some time but don't give up. Add to this some personal goal setting and self improvement. Be it extra job training, working out, college classes or whatever. You can go to a counseler alone and they could help you with goal setting. Don't force her to go, when she is ready she will let you know.<P>I have been in your shoes, but I did nothing for too long; it took one hell of a wake up call before I reacted. You are way ahead of the game and should be able make it through in time but it will take time.<P>Good luck, and God bless.<p>[This message has been edited by Joe in TX (edited October 05, 2000).]

OK,<P>Here's the thing about your wife. She is financially irresponsible. Methinks she is from a wealthy family, or from one that tended to equate expensive gifts with love.<P>My wife was just that way, and we did something that I would recommend to anyone in your position:<P>Divorce your wife financially.<P>I hope you both aren't in a lot of debt as co-signers (e.g. house mortgage). Even if you are, be sure to remove her from your checking account, cut any credit cards in both your names, and make her responsible for her own purchases. She may have to take a job and take a break from school to do it, but that's a lesson she's going to have to learn.<P>Once she's out of school, and supposedly has a good paying job, she's going to be just as irresponsible with money as she was when she didn't have any. Trust me on this. She's got to learn somehow, and if she doesn't learn now, she won't be any better when she actually has some money to overspend.<P>My wife learned. She now has her own accounts, her own credit cards, and because she's responsible for paying the cards, she is much more responsible with their use. She pays her own cell phone bill, parking tickets, etc., and she's a lot more careful about abusing that stuff.<P>Get tough. That financial deception is really worrisome to me, and you'll always resent it as long as it continues. It's pretty hard not to break out some love busters when that sort of s**t is going on.<P>stable guy

I have been to the dr. and he prescribed an anti-depressant. It has only been a short time since I have been taking them but I am starting to feel their effect. Clearer thinking. I have always been an abitious and confident person (at least in work and school) and that is one of the things my W likes about me. I am a classic over achiever/perfectionist. As such, I also have some insecurities especially about my physical appearance and whether people will like me. I am sucessful at work and make a great living. For the last several years, my focus has been getting us financially stable and getting my wife through school. A good relationship with my W and a good family are the most important things to me. When I realized that my dreams, my relationship and my ambitions were not working out and I stopped blaming it all on my wife and took my share of the responsibilty for my own actions is when my depression hit. I do workout on a regular basis and enjoy my career. I agree that I have to first look within to see what makes me happy but what do you do when your idea of happiness includes a loving relationship with someone? I think that the spending is her way of getting back at me as well as releasing her frustrations more than being irresponsible. I used to think that was all it was but the hiding of the bills and deliberate lying tells me it is more. I work and live out of town during the week and we talk on a daily basis but only superficially about the kids or how our days went etc. If we try and talk about or relationship, emotions or finances it becomes strained. I appreciate you listening and letting me vent.