I posted this under "Emotional Needs" but realize it probably belongs here instead so:<P>I am having a problem being totally honest with my husband, even though I know how important that is in marriage. I used to confide in some female friends on the internet and in email about problem areas in our marriage and by accident my husband found one of my messages and hit the roof. Then he went through all my email to find more 'evidence' against me and things got even worse. He threatened to divorce me. I didn't realize how upset he would be and I promised not to engage in those conversations outside the marriage again. He said he understood if I needed one close confidante but didn't want to worry about me being "all over the internet" discussing his failings, etc. So I did continue to converse with one friend about my feelings and frustrations. I was never disrespectful toward my husband in these exchanges but when he asked me if I was still discussing any marriage issues in<BR>these conversations I decided honesty was the best policy and told him that I did<BR>have one remaining friend that I confided in. Well, he hit the roof again. He demanded to read my email and when I complied (in the interest of honesty), he threatened to divorce me again! Since then, each time I have tried to be open about my thoughts and feelings on important topics (religion, child-raising issues, political views), it ends with him being furious that my views are different than his, a huge argument, and talk of divorce. I feel that I am very close to shutting down again and going back to my old ways of turning to my female friends instead of my husband. I know this is wrong and unhealthy for our marriage but whenever I am honest it blows up in my face! This is what precipitated my dishonesty to begin with: Fear of rejection! What should I do?

I see several things going on:<P>One is that your husband feels insecure when you discuss his failngs--that's the way he sees it--outside the marriage. Men don't share feelings the way women do, and men feel attacked more easily: you are right, they can't handle criticism!<P>Another is that when you confront him he seems to become domineering or defensive, instead of listening to you.<P>Because it makes your H unhappy, I would suggest you tell him that you WILL NOT broad cast your marital issues, that you would rather bring them to him in a positive manner, if he is willing to work on them.<P>Be careful how you speak to him--if you appear to be judging him or condemning him, he will close off. Why not couch your requests as things to do to make the marriage better for BOTH of you? Why not ask him if there is something you can do for him?<P>You really CAN'T be totally honest in marriage--that is, most spouses will not appreciate your unedited opinions. While you don't want to hold back anything important to the relationship, you really can't tell him every little thing that bugs you or tell him in a way that puts him off.<P>Be sensitive, is what I am trying to say. He sounds very threatened and insecure, so you will have to tread lightly. Be sure that you do accept him and value him for who he is and what he contributes to the marriage.<P>If you approach him lovingly, asking what YOU TOO can do to make the marriage better for BOTH of you, he might soften up.

One more thought: his frequent threats of divorce. That sounds like an attempt to browbeat you into submission. It is wrong, and it is damaging. He might be more than you can handle on your own--if he will not see a marriage counselor (my guess is, he won't), you might want to consider counseling for yourself to find out how to handle the situation.

WorkinMom,<P>I might be able to provide some insight on this as I had a similar incident with my W. She started confiding in her friends about how bad things were in our marriage. I am not sure what she discussed with them but at the time it really didn't matter. In my mind she was bad mouthing me and I would get very angry. I too eventually started threating divorce. <P>I would agree with the previous post that your H is insecure. For me, being respected, liked and having a good marriage is very important to me. So when my W discussed our issues with her friends it made me feel disrespected, that her friends would not like me and that I had failed at providing a good marriage. Even worse was when she discussed our sex life with her friends. All this stems from insecurities. Remember men usually do not discuss their feeling with one another and to talk about a problem is the same as asking someone to help solve the problem. So when you discuss your problem with friends you husband sees it that he has a problem (really you both have the problem) and you are asking someone else to solve the inimate problems between you and him. The anger and talks about divorce stem from the insecurity and may really be a cry for help, in that he knows things are not going well in the relationship, doesn't know how to make them better, and doesn't want to admit he is partially at fault and is using divorce as a way to force the issue of making the marriage better. It wasn't until I read an Email to my W from a friend discussing how to prepare for divorce that I woke up. It was extremely painful for me because at that moment I realized MY actions were driving her away. <P>So were do you go from here. Try and understand what your H insecurities are and try to table your needs for a while. This going to be difficult since it appears that your H doesn't want to admit that he has any insecurities. He might even be afraid that if he tells you about them, you will discuss them with your friends. You need to make him feel secure by not criticizing him and tell him about his positive attributes. My guess is he is extremely frustated, feeling he is loosing you, feeling very inadequate about not being able to solve your problems, and really wants to make things better but has no clue as to how. Once you make him feel comfortable and secure, then you can start to work on the problems. Until then my guess is he will continue to get angry. I do not agree with his angry outbursts but having been there, I also understand that he probably does not know of any other way to deal with the emotions.<P>Also ask yourself why you feel a need to argue with him. Is it so important to be right? It takes two to argue. Look inside yourself to find out what your insecurities and button are. You mentioned being rejected and that is a good start. Maybe, realizing when he threatens divorce, it is triggering this fear which puts you in the defensive mode and forces you to argue. I think that you are right to be honest but you must do it in a way that is very respectful and does not place blame on him. <P>Hope this helps.

When he says you are just too different, don't think alike... Duh!! You are not the same person! This is one of those Myths of Marriage Phil McGraw covers in Relationship Rescue. Also, Dr. David Schnarch calls it "emotional siamese twins" (in Passionate Marriage) which is harmful.<P>So don't feel badly. He is just reflecting his own immaturity. Not yours.<P>The divorce threat!? Take that gun right out of his hands. He has no business pulling it out for leverage. NEVER react to it. Just calmly and easily let him know that you understand that he has to do whatever he feels he has to do. You do not agree, but won't cave in under his threat either. <P>Just stand there and calm yourself down. I visualize soaring over the raging storm in a high-flying jet, or from the moon. The display of lightning can be impressive, but it has no power over me.<P>My H used to threaten divorce at least once a week in a huge angry rage. Like a spoiled child. He has finally learned that it just makes him look really stupid and foolish for saying the same thing for years with no intent. As long as I stay very rational and clear-headed I don't lose. <P>He still gets angry on occasion and says foolish things, but I haven't heard that one in most of a year.<P>Don't give up on honesty. Speak the truth always. Do it in love. Have the guts to be yourself. Don't hide, don't deny. Keep up your support systems even if he hates it. You are trying. You are growing. <P>Let him grow up too. You may want to read Boundaries in Marriage, by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. See booklist under NSR's welcome post in Just Found Out.<BR>