I've been married three years and have a 2 year old daughter. Eight months ago we moved from my husband's hometown of Michigan (we met there) to my hometown of Pennsylvania so that my daughter would know her extended family and we would be close to my family. My husband hated everything about the move; the place, my family be so involved in our lives, etc. and wanted to move back home. I felt like we should have never moved and wanted him to be happy. <P>Five months after the move, my husband got a job offer from a former boss in Michigan, which he accepted. He started in early October and I supported his decision thinking it would help our marriage which was strained because of the move. Because I would have had to repay relocation to my now employer and for other financial reasons (I make significantly more money than he does), I stayed behind and promised to move at the end of the year. <P>With moving day coming up, I'm now having second thoughts. His boss resigned from the company after being there only three months and told him to get me out there because this job is not worth staying at. I'm beginning to feel a lot of resentment towards him for his lack of committment to "giving it a go" in PA. Plus, my job here is stable and very financially rewarding. But, I also feel guilty because I did support him initially and he is my husband and the father of my child. Aren't we supposed to stay together no matter what? I can't sleep and am feeling depressed about the whole thing. Plus, I'm now a single parent which is tough.<P>Anyone have a take on what to do? Should I put my faith in my husband or do what I feel is right for our family as a whole. That decision would be to stay here, which may cause the breakup of our marriage.<P>Help!

I'm hardly an expert on how to have a good marriage, but your situation is somewhat similar to one I was in 4 years ago. <P>H and I were living in a rural area, he was working in a small town about 20 miles away. We had moved there from our current location for his job (I was not employed at the time), but had not yet sold this house. When our children both went away to college, we needed my income. H agreed that I was more likely to find a position here than there, and that he would look for a position here if I found one.<P>I was working here within a month. Three months later, he hadn't even started looking. And, to top it all off, he requested prayer at church to help him decide whether he should. He lost his job the following Monday. I still resent that it took an Act of God to make him keep his promise to me.<P>I have a problem with what you said at the end of your post. What you think is right for the family as a whole may lead to the breakup of the marriage? Doesn't "the family as a whole" include your husband? I don't follow.<P>Assuming you want to continue your marriage, you and your husband need to work out what you BOTH need (POJA). I can't say what that is. You sound as though you may be putting your family ahead of your husband -- not the best recipe for a happy marriage.

Thanks so much for your reply. I think you are right that I sometimes put my immediate family before my husband. That's not right and pretty immature and something I need to work on. I've been away from them for 15 years so I think I'm making up for lost time. <P>I've pretty much decided that I'm going to move back to Michigan and to really try to make our marriage work. Someone is not going to be totally happy and it looks like it's going to be me. But, I'm just chocking that up as one of life's sacrifices.<P>I just find myself questioning everything. Prior to us moving he had lost his job that he had for only 1.5 years. I was working part-time at the time but had to go back full-time to support our family. Prior to that, he had lost his job because of cutbacks and didn't even search for one until his severence ran out. This all bothers me and I just want him to get it together professionally. I'm afraid that his current job will turn out to be a bomb. I'll just have to put my faith in God and in him and go on.<P>Thanks, again.<BR>

Your right-have faith in your husband. That is a mistake I made, I didn't trust my husband to "get it together professionally" so I did it all on my own and all it did was severely damage my husband's self-esteema and made him question his value to our family. I agree with smigden that you have to place your husband before the family or else its a disaster. You have to remember that after the children are gone, it's only you and your hubby, that is who you made the committment too! Your immediate family may provide you warmth and comfort right now, but they have their own lives and I am almost positive they would not give up their marriages to be with you (I mean that in a good way).

Your profile says you're in Marketing. Are you moving to a rural area in Michigan, that you wouldn't be able to pursue your own career if you wanted to?<P>I wasn't suggesting that you should give up your professional goals and dreams for the sake of your marriage. That would only lead to resentment. But if you promised your husband that you would join him, I think you should honor your word.<P>My husband and I have never lived within 100 miles of either of our families, an arrangement with both advantages and disadvantages. My inlaws (and my aunt) tended to interfere with the discipline of our children. I didn't want to fight with them, but I didn't want to do everything their way, either. If your family (or his) is a source of conflict, you need to work out a solution that works for both of you.

bmtbaby:<P>Your reply really helped! Especially the last sentence when you said my immediate family wouldn't give up their family for me. That really helped me put things in perspective. I think I have "issues" with living away. I feel so guilty and like I'm missing out on all the fun. I come from a big Italian family and have lots of brothers and sisters who have kids my daughter's age. I guess I was just wanting her to have all the fun I had growing up. But, she'll be fine growing up with her cousins in Michigan. In reality, our marriage was good when we lived in Michigan and it has only been stressful since we moved. Mainly, because my husband found my family intrusive and overbearing - just the opposite of his. My prior job was great and they've offered to take me back. It's less $$ than I'm making now but that's not everything. I guess there is light at the end of the tunnel.<P>This forum has helped more than any of you will know.

smidgen:<P>Thanks for your reply. I am in marketing and had a great job in Michigan. That company has recently asked if I want to come back. It will mean taking a $20,000 pay cut but I guess that's the breaks.<P>My family is a source of interference and my husband has a real problem with that. His family is just the opposite - easy going and not opinionated. We were both shocked when we first moved at how my family interferes with not only our lives but my brother's and sister's lives as well. Being away, I forgot how stressful that can be not only on me but on my family. I think everything happens for a reason and I have to believe that this will all work out for the best. <P>------------------<BR>