Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
K
kevan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
We have been married 22 years. This is a long story but I would rather get the story straight and leave nothing out. My wife had an affair with a man she worked with last year, she says its over now but is still friends with him, which is upsetting me. Am I wrong? It started early last year, I had to go away on work for a few weeks , something beyond my control. I missed her birthday while I was away, but brought her home a lovely gift and phoned every day. I kept on telling her to go out now and again with some of her girlfriends which she did occasionally. I was delayed in coming home for an extra week also beyond my control. The plane arrived late, my luggage got lost and I was pretty flustered. Over the weekend my wife told me she was going out with one of her girlfriends on the Monday night after work and would be home lat. This didnt worry me. When she got home that night she we made passionate love like we had never had in many years, but I felt something was wrong. The next morning I found in the trunk of the car a bag with her sexiest lingerie. I asked her and she got upset and apologetic and promised nothing happened and told me who it was, this guy she was working with, they went out for drinks. He had become a good friend and helped her a lot at the company they were working for. This took a few weeks for me to get over, but I got suspicious every time she went out and started checking up on her, which upset her. For a few months I suspected something was wrong even though she promised many times that nothing was going on and got upset when I checked up on her. I also changed jobs, and now have a very stressful demanding job which my she encouraged me to take. A month later my 16 year-old SON saw them kissing in the local park after work. This nearly killed me and I got VERY upset, she then admitted she had a relationship and had made love to him, only once, in his car at a sheltered spot next to the river although I know in my heart that it was in a park one night after they had been out for a company dinner This nearly wiped me out, as I am not a big person and am embarrassed as I’m not that well endowed and he is a lot bigger than me, in stature and his penis. She even admitted this when I asked her. No, I didnt kick my wife out, I was upset because of all the lies, but insisted she stay and we resolve this. It has taken a long time to deal with this and I feel absolutely useless, worthless and a fool. I have got a bit possessive now and she gets upset as I keep on checking up on her, but all I want is to get this behind us, truth out, and go on. I am want to go for counseling but she doesnt want to, she insists that no-one can help her with the way she feels. She tells me she still loves me but refuses to break off the friendship with this guy and insists that they are just friends and I am trying to “Control” her by insisting she stops seeing him, even though its hurting me so much. We’ve had many arguments and she often goes out with her girlfriends and says she needs some space from me. One friend is a divorcee who has already told me that I must go find my own friends and let my wife have her own friends. Later last year I found she changed the mailing address for her cellphone account to his address. When I asked her she said she was sick of me checking up on her and it was her business and nothing to do with me and all I wanted to see was how many times she phones him. Late last year I convinced her to get it mailed back to our home. I thought things were improving before Christmas, but then noticed on Christmas day that she had a new 14 carat gold bracelet on. When I asked her about it shetold me she bought it on a sale. Later when I asked her she admitted HE had given it to her for Christmas. It was a much fancier gift than the gold chain and pendant I gave her. Can I now believe its a casual friendship? Do men give this type of gift to someone who is just a friend, AM I wrong? My children are upset too and its affecting their life and schoolwork. My daughter keeps asking why her mother is talking and treating me so lousy. I love my wife and out of respect have told no-one about this up to now but I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. She’s all I have and dont want to lose her. AM I WRONG IN ASKING HER TO GIVE UP THIS “FRIENDSHIP” FOR OUR SAKES? I really do not want to end our marriage, I love her. She says she needs space and I’m suffocating her and doesnt want to discuss it any more, although she’s making no moves to leave right now and says she loves me, although often threatens to get away from it all. <P>

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
K
kevan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
Thanks to everyone for this help, as a start.<BR>So, I guess the first step is to try and explain to my wife again that she should stop all contact with this guy.<BR>How do I do that when I have already tried twice already, once after I had been to my local doctor and discussed what had happened (I told her the doctor suggested it), and once a few months later when we had a disagreement and I eventually convinced her to change the mailing address on her cellphone account back to our home address. At this time it was atrade-off that she at least change the cellphone address as she kept on insisting that this was just a control issue and all I wanted to do was CONTROL HER??<BR>I feel if I approach her again about it, she will just get mad at me again.<BR>I am feeling pretty desperate right now as I have discussed this many times, sometimes in the wrong way (anger), sometimes calmly, to the stage where she says she just doesnt want to talk about it anymore, I must just give her time and believe that I love her.

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
K
kevan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kevan:<BR><B> I must just give her time and believe that I love her.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Feb 13th<P>So, no matter what I try now, it is to no avail, she has made up her mind that she is leaving and going back to SA to her demanding, selfish, hard-headed mother who has basically manipulated her all her life. So why bother even trying anymore, I am just wasting my energy that I should be using to better myself. <P>She makes me as horny as all hell every time I see her because I am so attracted to her. No, she is not a perfect model but she is definitely attractive especially for her age and even some of my friends have commented on it and have even shown that they would love to get her into bed, even the guy I thought was my best friend finds it difficult to keep his hands off her once he has had a few drinks. I have mentioned this to her, but she says I must stop being ridiculous, he is just having some fun, but I can see how obvious it is, I am no fool. <P>Of course I am the last person she wants to get into bed with now, as I just am not good enough for her anymore and have hurt her so much with my words and actions that she will never warm to me again. She has found someone else more physically appealing that can meet her sexual needs better than what I ever have. I have always felt that I wasn’t giving her enough as I am below average in sexual girth and now that she has found a real man I guess I have lost her completely because she has found that size really does matter and does make a difference. I can see that she would just love to get back with this man and experience some more of what she had with him and is just getting more and more frustrated staying with me.<P>She thinks I am just a useless weakling, as she has already told me that she wants her husband to be a man, not a wimp like I have been the last few years and the last year in particular while I have been trying to cope and keep my head above water and stay employed so as to meet her and my children’s financial needs. Was I so blinded that I did not see what was happening, yes I did suspect things, but surely after all these years of marriage you would think that she would have approached me first and told me where I was going wrong in our relationship, even though I know myself that sometimes I do tend just to ignore things.<P>Every time she talks to me I can hear the anger and how she despises me by the tone of her voice. She has given up trying to be nice to me any longer and just views me as a burden to her life and just feels obliged to be with me until she can get the hell out of this country. As I told her last night all I want is to hold her in my arms and love her, but she said she is going back to SA regardless and I must come to terms with that. Well then, she must go and get herself sorted out whatever it takes, I have had enough of trying to suit her every need, getting frustrated when I cant meet them. <P>I know there is the very good chance that once she gets there she will find someone more suited to her needs. She has proven to herself that she can do it as she has once already in the last year, so why shouldn’t she do it again once I am out of her way? She will have no responsibilities to worry about once she leaves here.<P>I am really trying my best to get into my job but am just being overwhelmed by this all the time and find it very difficult to concentrate on anything.<BR>How I despise the day that this affair came out in the open and that the two of them were so stupid, brazen and careless to sit and kiss each other in Minoru Park in broad daylight and that my son had to see them. This just shows that she has little or no respect left for me and actually did not care who saw them together and was just more interested in having a good time. Some of our friends do use this park occasionally too as a place to relax. She must have been really fed up with me to do something like this, after me believing that she would never do something like this, as even though she used to joke around with our friends often as we all do she always portrayed that she did not like the very promiscuous attitude of the people she worked with. Although I did at the time start seeing that her attitude and level of morality was changing with time the longer she worked there with this bunch of immoral bunch of men. I did, many times try and get her to leave this company, primarily because of the health problems she was experiencing from the chemical fumes but also because of the attitude of the people in the company.<P>How do I get rid of this anger and frustration that builds up inside me every time I think of this guy and what he has caused by seducing my wife? Often when I think about it I get this horrible feeling running through my body like an electric current that is burning me. I think of the two of them making love and I get this horrible big knot in my stomach and just want to die. Every time I see a dark-blue Buick, the same as he drives these feelings well up again inside me. Every time my wife mentions the company or I find paperwork at home with the company name on it, it makes me furious. Every time I drive past Minoru Park I get so upset. I am sure that most of the people at that company know what has happened and are smirking behind my back at what a fool I have been to mistreat such a lovely person as my wife and let this happen. Mind you, they are such an immoral bunch that they most probably think, well done, at least he managed to get in her pants. <P>One of the main topics of interest around that office was sex and promiscuity with dirty jokes being circulated quite often. As an example, even after my wife had left the company, when she re-routed her cellphone account to his Post Office Box address (so that I would not see who she had been in contact with), he dropped it off at the company she is working at presently in an envelope together with a graphic joke of the Bay-Watch girls giving blow-jobs. He called it a ‘little ha-ha”! I find this pretty hard to accept that it is just something ‘innocent’ coming from a ‘friend’.<P>Besides the fact that he is still in contact with her in this fashion, I also find it upsetting that he has the cheek to go and visit my wife at the company she is working at presently. One of our good friends works together with my wife at this company. I have only had the opportunity once to visit my wife where she works presently and she ushered me outside as soon as I arrived without introducing me to anyone. Her excuse was that they were very strict about visitors and did not take kindly to people standing around which seems a bit lame to me, considering that at the previous company she was pretty open about introducing me to her workmates.<P>Slowly but surely all our friends here are finding out what has happened and I am feeling more of a fool and an idiot every day because I know that most of this has been my fault for not giving my wife what she really wanted in life, that is to live close to her mother.<P>What a fool I have been to think that we could ever have been happy here in Canada. I should just have done what she wanted many years ago and moved down to Durban so that she could be close to her mother. Her mother is now suffering from skin cancer, osteo-arthritis and emphysema, although will still not stop smoking cigarettes despite all the doctor’s warnings. <BR>We would have ended up with them living with us and supporting them, as he is just a lazy bum who thinks that we should now be obliged to support him in his old age. As an outsider I find it so difficult to accept that she is willing to go back to the two people who have caused her so much pain and anguish in her life when she was young. <BR>I suppose I am just very insensitive and don’t realize the mother-daughter bond. She has already told me that my sister is taking care of my mother so I have nothing to worry about. Maybe she is right, I should be like my sister’s husband and just accept that I must take in my parents-in-law and look after them? There is a subtle difference here, my parents were always and my mother still is financially independent to a large degree.<P>Yesterday morning I left for work feeling very depressed and was really upset and in tears. This is mainly due to the feeling of guilt that I have for what has happened and what I have done to her and the constant feeling that she is just tolerating me and is sick and tired of my nonsense and that I cannot let go of it. She phoned me a few times at work yesterday morning, but I was very busy and only managed to call her back around 10:30 am. Straight away I could hear the anger, sharpness and resentment in her voice because I had not called her back when she thought I should have called her back. This continued even when I got home last night and no matter how much I apologize to her for what has happened and tell her that I still love her very deeply, she just seems to be ignoring me more and more. She says she cannot take it anymore and I must just pull myself right. I asked her last might how her day had been and she answered, “terrible, what do you expect after walking out of here in the condition you were?”<P>Today, Valentine’s day I bought her a dozen red roses in a vase and a card, and left it on the dining room table as she was still asleep when I left for work. I got a surprising phone call when she got to work, thanking me for the flowers and the lovely surprise she got when she walked downstairs this morning. This is the first time in quite a while that I have heard a loving tone in her voice.<P>

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
K
kevan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kevan:<BR><B> <BR> This is the first time in quite a while that I have heard a loving tone in her voice.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So thats it, screwed up again. I got home last nighta bit late from work, unaviodable. At least got a peck on the cheek this time. My wife went upstairs, came down and found<BR> me looking at her little notebook with her telephone numbers in it. It is a little business diary and I reall wasnt interested in her damn telephone numbers, was just looking at<BR> all the intersrting info they put in these littel diaries, like the maps, conversion table etc. Of course she blew a fuse and started giving me hell about me poking my nose in her<BR> personal belongings. Its not as if I went snooping in her handbag, it was on the diningroom table. So of course another argument. Even though I apologised many times for<BR> doing this I still got the cold shoulder. My 16 year old son was upset again last night about this all and is now convinced it is time he moved out for a while, says he cant take<BR> me being beaten up like this and treated like cr..p all the time for stupid inconsequential things and cant take the fact that she thinks it is till alright that she keeps in contact<BR> with the [censored] OM. I am going for counselling again tonight whether she likes it or not and whether she thinks it is a stupid idea or not.<P> Love all you guys out there that are helping and supporting me through this.

Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 35
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 35
Kevan, your wife should be having ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT with this jerk NONE! NADA! If she valued your marraige and considered your feelings, she would do this.<BR>Never try to compare yourself with this man and never put yourself down, kevan.<BR>It's your wife and this man with the problem, not you. You have done nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you.<BR>Insist your wife have NO CONTACT with this man. If she refuses, you have some decisons to make.

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
K
kevan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ballet:<BR><B>Kevan, your wife should be having ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT with this jerk NONE! NADA! If she valued your marraige and considered your feelings, she would do this.<BR>Never try to compare yourself with this man and never put yourself down, kevan.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Go and have a look at the Divorcing/Divorced Forum "My Wife had and affair - I still want her" article by myself for the latest update in this ongoing saga.<P>She has not PROMISED that she has completely broken contact<BR>with OM, but has said it is all over and that she is avoiding his phonecalls - I will have to put some trust in her for now and see how it goes. We will let this go like this for now. I have caused enough other anger and friction between us by letting her know that I have told and discussed this whole affair with her father and my sister, which of course has made her very very angry (suppose I would be too). <BR>BUT, HEY I needed a support group too after her refusing to go to counselling and did not want me to go to counselling either.<BR>I know, somehow I must now learn to put some trust in what she has told me and our kids (this is the MOST DIFFICULT THING TO DO RIGHT NOW AFTER 12 MONTHS OF LIES) and try and go on from here, stop making her feel constantly guilty about what has happened and just put up with her moods. I am willing to give it a few more weeks. I think she knows by now that am serious about getting this resolved, but know I must stabilize myself too.<P>HEY, DEPRESSION IS NOT FUN, I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF S**** MOST OF THE DAY AND NIGHT.

Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 70
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 70
Kevan, I was just reading through people's posts and yours caught my attention. I am struggling with the fact that my husband had an affair before we were married and now has a C from it. But in my case, he has NO contact what so ever with her or the child. (except at court for CS) But when he did cheat he acted the same way towards me. "You are trying to control me" "You want me on a leash" Is all I ever heard. So, I left him. I packed up my stuff and moved 2 hours away. 1 month later he called my sister, who then called me at my "new" boyfriend's house and told me how sorry he was and that he loved me. (At that time I had no idea about the pregnant OW). We have only been married for a year and we have a beautiful son and other that the issues with OW/OC everything is alot better. As long as they know you will put up with their s**t, they will treat you like it. I understand that you love her. I loved him, but it was time for me to love myself more. It made me strong enough to get through all this that is going on with our marraige now. (well, that and meds [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] haha) I hope you can be strong enough to get through this difficult time in your life. And maybe she will realize it. <BR>

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
K
kevan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jessry:<BR><B>I hope you can be strong enough to get through this difficult time in your life. And maybe she will realize it. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Hi Jess,<P>This is so good to hear from someone that has had success like you have, it does give me hope, and your encouragement is really appreciated.<P>Have a look at my posting under : My wife had an affair - I still<BR>want her - in the Divorcing/Divorced forum .<P>This will give you the latest update in my saga (somehow that is the posting that seems to have continued the longer - bit strange as that's the last thing I am planning on doing right now is getting divorced.<P>I am not plannng to separate at all right now, but am willing to work this through without that happening because contrary to popular belief I stll love my wife tremendously and my children even more, who have expressed that they do not want us to separate - right now I do feel it will cause them more grief and upset (16 years old and 10 years old) than if we stay and try and work this out.<P>My biggest difficulty is trying to deal with my daily emotions, while my wife is not willing to discuss things or try and see from my point of view what I am feeling and what MY NEEDS are too.<P>A good example - last night my wife phoned me from her cellphone at 6pm (she gets off work at 4:30) she was not home from work yet. She was in a horrible mood and had a bad day at work. She wanted to know if I was on my way home or where. I was on the bus.<BR>When we got home I said to her (not demandingly either, but in a friendly way), "Where did you go after work today, love?"<BR>Straight away she took offense and said "What, are you checking up on me again, cant you just stop this nonsense, do I have to tell you everything I do?"<BR>These days I cannot ask her anything personal, cannot ask her anything about what she is doing or where she is going or has been - then she still expects me to trust her again when she knows I am feeling uneasy.<P>This is tearing me apart.<P>I need some loving too, but it is always me that has to tell her how much I love her, me that asks for a kiss, me that asks for a hug. She tells me she loves me, but has never once in months come up and given me a hug, given me a kiss, voluntarily said I love you. - How the hell am I supposed to feel about this.<BR>I spoke to her this weekend and told her I would also like to feel some intimacy from her - she just said "How do you expect me to do that after EVERYTHING that has happened? You just dont get the picture.<BR>I have mentioned to her once or twice that I am just going to have to move out - to which she has answered, "Oh, thats nice, now you are just going to run away"<BR>But yet when I approach her about what has happened and that I would really like to sort these things out she often says, "I have had enough, why cant you just let it go, I cant live like this anymore, I am going to move out".<P>This feels like the roller-coaster to hell. - Sorry thats just the way I am feeling this week - even with taking the anti-deps.<BR>

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
K
kevan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jessry:<BR><B>I loved him, but it was time for me to love myself more. It made me strong enough to get through all this that is going on with our marraige now. (well, that and meds [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] haha) I hope you can be strong enough to get through this difficult time in your life. And maybe she will realize it. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Tonight she pushed off to the shops next door, it was cold and raining, I told her I would go for her, but she insisted on going as she needed some air.<BR>When she left I discovered she had taken her cellfone with - now why would she take that with when the shops are tow minutes walk away?<BR>Does make you feel a bit suspicious, doesnt it?<P><BR>So, I was wrong, she phoned this horrible divorcee girlfriend of hers while she was at the shop (only, that I know of anyhow) although I do not trust that women anyhow as I have said before.<P>How do you put any credibility in a woman that goes to church on weekends and quotes Christianity, then goes to a Fortune-Teller and Tarot-CArd reader to find out what is happening in her life?<P>(We were very strong Christians a few years ago before she decided that the churches here was just not suited to her, so we know the evils of Fortune-tellers etc.)<P>Anyhow I suppose I am just being over-suspicious?<P>I mentioned to my wife just now, that this depression is a bugger to fight, just when you feeling good, this cloud comes over you and knocks you down flat like you just dont have the energy to do anything. All she could say was "Oh, stop dwelling on it, thats half your problem, you keep on reading about it and dwelling on it, if you just forget about it, it will go away, ..."<P>I said to her that I am just sorry for all the problems that it has caused in our marriage, but I know I am just very fortunate that I still have a lovely family and home and I haven't lost my wife. She didnt even flinch, but just went on reading the newspaper with a look of irritation on her face.<P>So, I was wrong, she phoned this horrible divorcee girlfriend of hers while she was at the shop (only, that I know of anyhow) although I do not trust that women anyhow as I have said before.<P>How do you put any credibility in a woman that goes to church on weekends and quotes Christianity, then goes to a Fortune-Teller and Tarot-CArd reader to find out what is happening in her life?<P>Anyhow I suppose I am just being over-suspicious?<P>I mentioned to my wife just now, that this depression is a bugger to fight, just when you feeling good, this cloud comes over you and knocks you down flat like you just dont have the energy to do anything. All she could say was "Oh, stop dwelling on it, thats half your problem, you keep on reading about it and dwelling on it, if you just forget about it, it will go away, ..."<P>I said to her that I am just sorry for all the problems that it has caused in our marriage, but I know I am just very fortunate that I still have a lovely family and home and I haven't lost my wife. She didnt even flinch, but just went on reading the newspaper with a look of irritation on her face.<P>

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
K
kevan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kevan:<BR><B> <BR>This feels like the roller-coaster to hell. - Sorry thats just the way I am feeling this week - even with taking the anti-deps.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks for the constant reminders - yes, I know I have to just ignore all my suspicions and play along with her...<P>Like five minutes ago - she just phoned on her 'cellphone' to see if I was going out after work today for drinks or not - I said no, I am heading straight home.<BR>She said its quite ok with her I can go out for a drink if I want to, as they are having a few drinks at work anyhow.<P>Only after she put the phone down did it sink home - if she is still at work, why did she phone me on her cellphone, why not use the phone at work, she is the receptionist?<P>So, I now have to catch the bus home, which takes over an hour - leaving her lots of time to do whatever she wants before I get home, at the earliest at 6:30 pm...............................<P><BR>BUT OF COURSE I cannot ask her that can I - just another lovebuster if I did?????????????????????<P>IF I DO FIND THAT SHE IS STILL SEEING OM SHE IS OUT OF OUR HOME FOR SURE THIS TIME!!!! - Yes I am in that type of mood now and how do I get rid of it?<P>I gave her a "Love Card" this morning, but absolutely no mention of it..............another one I must just ignore - it is really not fun just being walked over all the time without ending up feeling very depressed.<P><BR>HAH - negotiation - all it feels like right now is I am trying to negotiate - ending up I am giving and she is taking..<P>Anyhow on the lighter side, here is a goodone someone sent me - just shows how easy us guys are to satisfy <grin><P>HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN <P>Compliment her, <BR>respect her, <BR>honour her, <BR>cuddle her, <BR>kiss her, caress her, <BR>love her, stroke her, <BR>tease her, <BR>comfort her, <BR>protect her, <BR>hug her, <BR>hold her, <BR>spend money on her, <BR>wine and dine her, <BR>buy things for her, <BR>listen to her, <BR>care for her, <BR>stand by her, <BR>support her, <BR>hold her, <BR>go to the ends of the Earth for her. <P><BR>HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN <P>Show up naked. <BR>Bring food.<BR>Now send this to 10 people or you will have a bad love life for 3 years<P>

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 70
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 70
Just found out my wife is seeing om. I feel like you,Kevan . She also thinks i'm not giving her space and always checking on her.I am it's hard not to.Reading your letters makes me see myself.I think she's right.Our trip is difrent from yours as I cheated on her and lied about it,killing her trust in me.I travled to work 100 mi. each way for 13 years it took it's toll.I thought we were fine,but we were drifting apart .She then told me she was in love with a 26 yr. old she met on line,she's 46 and and lives on our ranch in the middle of no place.We are both in withdrawl now and I feel like I'm fighting for my life.I can't get her to look at M.B. website so it's hard to get her to understand what I'm trying to do.Sorry I'm rammbling but this is my first on line chat.I've only sent a few email's.Thanks for sharing,it has helped.

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
K
kevan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by need to know:<BR><B>Just found out my wife is seeing om. I feel like you,Kevan . She also thinks i'm not giving her space and always checking on her.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thats ok, also makes me realize I am not the only one with these feelings and a pertner who reacts the same.<P>Also, just when I thought everything was going well, I have found out for sure that she is still in contact with OM...<P>Things have been going well for 4 weeks now, but I have always felt suspicious.<P>Its was one of the guys birthdays at her company yesterday (an old friend of ours) so they stayed for drinks after work. My daughter was trying to reach ehr as she needed the car last night. My daughter phoned me when I was on the way home from work, neither of us could get hold of her, she wasnt answering - this was at about 6:45. I didnt feel good.<BR>When I got home I told our daughter to take our big car, which I had been using (its actually my wife's car). My wife does not let our daughter (20 years old - been driving for 2 years) drive it - thinks she cant handle it (but she has driven bigger cars than my wife in the last 2 years).<BR>My wife was mad because I gave her the car, but as I told her, the kid needed the car, she was late for a meeting (my wife knows she goes to these church meeting on a Wed. night).<BR>My wife eventually phoned me at 7pm. She could hear I was unhappy. I told her why and she just got mad.<P>She got home and was happy and chirpy.<P>I did nt feel good. While she was in the washroom, I checked her cellphone - lo and behold - SHE HAD CALLED OM AT 5:30. I lost it.<P>I took her up into the bedroom and asked her what was going on, why was she still in contact with him, she denied it. I asked her again to be truthful - she then said he called her so she called him back, and then flew off the handle about me checking up on her - I said yes, I was checking up on her, what does she expect. She had promised both me and the kids that she had finished it with OM, and now we find this out.<BR>So I did the absolutely wrong thing I started lecturing er about how I must feel and does she expect me to just ignore eveything that has happened, when she has resisted me all the way along<BR>and I am getting no positive feedback from her, I have done my best in every way to improve, be a happier person and do the best for her.<BR>She was just mad that I dont trust her and am still checking up on her - I said to her, yes I am - but she just does not see the point.<BR>She still does not see what the big deal is all about and why she cannot speak to him now and again - she promised she hadnt seen him - this I find hard to believe, when she phoned him at 5:30, then didnt answer her phone, then only got home at 7 pm.<P>Yes, I blew it completely again - a big lovebuster, all the good of the last few weeks out the door. So will have to start all over again.<P>Now she s completely mad at me because I am still checking up on her and dont trust her anymore.<P>So, what can we learn from this - shut up, take all the crap we have to for as long as it takes, humble ourselves, and just treat them like queens for as long as it takes, but do not lose our dignity in the process. A thin line and sometimes you fall off the edge and have to suffer the consequences.<P>What have I learnt - do not force youself onto them, try and be patient, let them do their thing, but hopefully if we can be strong and hang in there and show them we love them and want them, but are prepared to wait for them - we just have a slight chance that we may win - its a tough road - tougher than I ever imagined.<P>Hang in there, thats all I can say, and dont make the mistakes I have made by wanting to get it all out in the open straight away, cheaters are strange people.<P>I know I am now back to square one, and maybe, just maybe, I may still have a chance of restoring our marriage.<P>Good Luck.<BR>

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 70
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 70
Thanks Kevan I was about to do something similar.She went on a weekend trip to meet some girlfriends.I think her boyfriend is flying in to meet her ,but I'm not shure.I'm home with kids and horses.I told her to have a fun weekend but call in every night so we won't worry.I think I'll stick to the plan .You're right this way harder than I ever thought.Thanks again for the words of wisdom.

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
K
kevan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by need to know:<BR><B>You're right this way harder than I ever thought.Thanks again for the words of wisdom.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So sorry to disappoint you. Things have been going a little easier the last few weeks.<P>Yes she of course is making me out to be the ultimate liar - especially<BR>when you hear this:<BR> <BR>Before I start, excuse the spelling, I dont have the time or inclination<BR>to check that right now. <P><BR>"If you can keep your head my son, when all about you are loosing<BR>theirs, and blaming it on you, then you're a man my son." Yes I remember<BR>this, my mom had it up in the diningroom for many many years, and I have<BR>always wanted to find a copy of it <P><BR>Well, I have done it again - just cant shut up can I , just lost all my<BR>points last night completely - who knows if we can now recover from this<BR>one. <P>Yes, I have found out for sure that she is still in contact with the<BR>[censored]. <P>Things have been going well for 4 weeks now, but I have always felt<BR>suspicious. <P><BR>Its was a friend of ours that she works with, birthday yesterday so they stayed for drinks after<BR>work (as I mentioned). <P>our daughter was trying to reach her as she needed the car last night.<BR>our daughter phoned me when I was on the way home from work, neither of us<BR>could get hold of her, she wasnt answering - this was at about 6:45. I<BR>didnt feel good.<P>When I got home I was fed up and told our daughter to take our big car, which I<BR>had been using. She had driven me part wayhome the previuos night and<BR>did just fine.<P>Wife wont let her (20 years old - been driving for 2 years) drive it -<BR>thinks she cant handle it (but she has driven bigger cars than she in<BR>the last 2 years).<P>she was mad because I gave her the car, but as I told her, the kid<BR>needed the car, she was late for a meeting (she knows she goes to these<BR>church meeting on a Wed. night). she eventually phoned me at 7pm. <P>She<BR>could hear I was unhappy. I told her why, we were trying to get hold of<BR>her and she just got mad. <P>She got home and was happy and chirpy. <P>I didnt feel good. While she was in the washroom, I checked her<BR>cellphone - lo and behold - SHE HAD CALLED THE [censored] AT 5:30. I lost<BR>it. <P><BR>I took her up into the bedroom and asked her what was going on, why was<BR>she still in contact with him, she denied it at first.<P>I asked her again to be truthful - she then said he called her so she<BR>called him back, and then flew off the handle about me checking up on<BR>her - I said yes, I was checking up on her, what does she expect. <P>She<BR>had promised both me and the kids that she had finished it with HIM, and<BR>now we find this out.<P>She said she just does not see the big issue I am making about her<BR>speaking to him occasionally....<P>So I did the absolutely wrong thing I started lecturing Her about how I<BR>must feel and does she expect me to just ignore eveything that has<BR>happened, when she has resisted me all the way along in every<BR>waypossible. (thus only looking at things from my selfish perspective<BR>and not hers)<BR>and I am getting no positive feedback from her, I have done my best in<BR>every way to improve, be a happier person and do the best for her.<P>Me overreacting again - only looking at my side of the picture again.<P><BR>She was just mad that I dont trust her and am still checking up on her -<BR>I said to her, yes I am - but she just does not see the point. How am I<BR>expected to trust her when things get hidden from me, she will not<BR>disclose her cellphone account (she said again she doesnt see why - this<BR>is her own private matter)<P><BR>She still does not see what the big deal is all about and why she cannot<BR>speak to him now and again and yes he does call her occasionally - she<BR>promised she hadnt seen him - this I find hard to believe, when she<BR>phoned him at 5:30, then didnt answer her phone, then only got home at 7<BR>pm. <P>By the looks of things she may have his number on speed-dial on her<BR>cellphone - I can not be sure, but suspect so , but dont know exactly<BR>how her phone works. I have never been allowed to sit and fiddle with it<BR>and figure it all out.<P>So I tried to get throuh to her that every single person, marriage<BR>counselling source, doctor, friend etc. I have spoken to have said the<BR>same thing - she has to cut him out completely before we can really sort<BR>things out. <P>But I guess I am bieng too hasty in what should be done - 6 months may<BR>just be the starting point of them stopping being in contact<BR>???????????????????????????????/<P>Yes, I blew it completely again - a big lovebuster, all the good of the<BR>last few weeks out the door. So will have to start all over again. <P><BR>Now she s completely mad at me because I am still checking up on her and<BR>dont trust her anymore. She said she is sick and tired of me treating<BR>her like a child and she does not have any free time. <P>I am being selfish<BR>as far as her free time is concerned. I am being domineering and want<BR>everything my way. She doesnt get anyhelp and is just expected to run<BR>around after everyone. She says she never snoops in my belongings<BR>whereas I have my nose in all her things (yeah, I have become the big<BR>snooper alright) including her handbag. <P>(Yes, tis true - I have becoming<BR>a professional snooper) <P><BR>I said what must she expect, when I have had to force the issue all the<BR>time, and it had to end up in our son challenging her before anything<BR>started to get resolved. So she said well, why dont you go and tell the<BR>kids again what has happened, seen that I always drag them into it when<BR>they have got nothing to do with it and I must keeop my voice down <P><BR>I said to her I have been trying my best to get myself right, try tu put<BR>right what I have done wrong, have tried every avenue, but just met with<BR>resistnace from her, the counselling, the medication, the need to talk,<BR>the articles I have wanted her to read etc. <P><BR>I told her again that I do truly love her, that I want to stay with her,<BR>but she must now make up her mind, I cannot sit on the fence forever<BR>wondering whather true feelings are, where I stand and is she only<BR>around for a while or what? Does she feel it is fair on me when she just<BR>tells me all the time that she needs more time, I must just go on like<BR>nothing has happened and expect it to be all ok, when she distances<BR>herself from me and wont talk. <P><BR>I again asked her so what way can I help her out then, she said go make<BR>dinner for yourself and your son, she didnt want any, she was going out<BR>- I then challenegd her and said its the same story again, everytime we<BR>get into conflict she wants to walk away <P><BR>She then said well, how does she know what I am up to at work with the<BR>girls anyhow, how does she know there is nothing going on, I dont tell<BR>her eveything that happens at work, I have bought some of them pizza<BR>sometimes, so why should I complain if the [censored] (not her words of<BR>course) takes her out to lunch or coffee occassionally. <P><BR>She does just not realise how faithful her husband is, I have told her<BR>whenever I have gone out somewhere, who I have been with (except for the<BR>odd occasions when I have been out with Marcel and been a naughty boy -<BR>and I have apologized for it). I do my best to phone her when I am going<BR>to be home lat (I do occasionally forget) - and have even been honest<BR>and open with her when my friend from work has taken me to the Strip-clubs once or<BR>twice. I have even been open and honest about telling which family<BR>members I have told about whats been going on. <P>So straight away she<BR>said, well there is the phone, why dont you just phone them and tell<BR>them all over again what has happened. <P><BR>I asked her if I am being selfish - she said to a degree yes, especially<BR>with her free time. <P><BR>So, what can we learn from this - shut up, take all the crap we have to<BR>for as long as it takes, humble ourselves, and just treat them like<BR>queens for as long as it takes, but do not lose our dignity in the<BR>process. A thin line and sometimes you fall off the edge and have to<BR>suffer the consequences. <P><BR>What have I learnt - do not force youself onto them, try and be patient,<BR>let them do their thing, whatever they want, but hopefully if we can be<BR>strong and hang in there and show them we love them and want them, but<BR>are prepared to wait for them - we just have a slight chance that we may<BR>win - its a tough road - tougher than I ever imagined. <P><BR>I know I am now back to square one, and maybe, just maybe, I may still<BR>have a chance of restoring our marriage this time, who knows. It feels<BR>now like we have stepped back 6 months. <P><BR>Again she said to me that she does love me but cannot take this anymore,<BR>and she is just going to have to leave. She is just totally mad that I<BR>am checking up on her. <P><BR>I also said that I am trying in my own way to stabilize myself, Iknow I<BR>have depression and the anti-deps and counselling have helped me to try<BR>and get in the right direction, I have been trying my best to right<BR>myself, but would appreciate some feedback too. She said yes, she has<BR>seen some improvement in my attitude so I asked her what is so difficult<BR>in her at least mentioning it to me. <P>She retorted that cant I see it<BR>that she is also suffering from depression, I sad yes I know she is and<BR>why wont she go to the doctor too, the anti-deps do not fix everything,<BR>but they do help you cope better <P><BR>She cannot take being treated like a child. I said fine if thats the way<BR>she feels but I dont feel it is right - I want to try every way possible<BR>to sort things out. why cant we talk to each other properly. <P><BR>I said to her all I want is to sit down and talk rationally about her<BR>feelings, our feelings, our future, find a way of sorting this out<BR>properly, not just ignoring what has happened. <P>She says it doesnt help<BR>becasue everytime I just get mad and shout and it just ends up like<BR>this. <P><BR>So I am missing the big picture not letting her spaek rationally and not<BR>listening to her - she says she is **** scared to try and talk to me<BR>about it because I just go off the deep end. <P><BR>So you see you have been getting the wrong picture from me all along. <P><BR>I also acted very irrationally by giving our daughter the big white car last<BR>night, instead of giving her a lift where she wanted to go. <P><BR>she was really ticked off about this. <P><BR>By 10pm she was really mad, she opened the washing machine. The previous<BR>night she ad loaded up a load of whites to wash, asked our daughter to put<BR>the rest of her things in in the morning. our daughter added all her<BR>colorstuf and a red sweater and let the machine run. she of<BR>course opened the machine and blew her lid. The water level had not been<BR>adjusted either so everything was tangled up. Of course I got it in the<BR>neck "If she cant even load the washing machine at the age of 20 and not<BR>bugger the clothes up, how do you think she is going to treat the big<BR>new car?....... <P>You better get hold of her right now, I am sick of her<BR>attitude, I get no help from her, but when I do she is just careless and<BR>screws up. Why the hell didnt you give her a lift instead of letting her<BR>take the car, shes gonna smash it up." <P><BR>So we tried to get hold of our daughter, but she wasnt answering her<BR>cellphone and she went off the handle again, so I got fed up and shouted<BR>at her that I am sorry that I gave her the car. our son at this point<BR>disappeared upstairs. If she had at least answreed her phone when we<BR>were ttrying to get hold of her it all could have been avoided - so then<BR>I got crapped out for trying to push the blame onto her. <P><BR>She was then upset and when I tried to apo0logise to her but said I am<BR>also getting tired of being screamed at so she started throwing things<BR>around and banging cupboard doors. <P><BR>I got dressed again and told her I was going looking for our daughter<BR>(11pm), she said thats a bit late to do that now. I slammed the door and<BR>pushed off. <P><BR>I found our daughter at a restaurant where she was having dinner with her<BR>friends, called her out, told her hat she was totally pissed off because<BR>I gave her the car and that we had been trying to phone her because it<BR>was so late, told our daughter she better get her butt home quickly, took<BR>the white car and went home. <P><BR>I then told her that I had been to the doctor that day, he had given me<BR>more anti-deps and was happy with my progress on them. He has also<BR>arranged for an appointmant with a specialist to see what can be done<BR>about my snoring. she got upset again and wanted to know why I hadnt<BR>told her beforehand that I was going - this is a good example of how I<BR>dont tell her things that I am doing (I ommitted to tell her becuase I<BR>know she is not really in favour of me taking the anti-deps anyhow). <P><BR>I took my pillows and sleeping bag and went downstairs. she washed up<BR>and then our daughter came home. I then asked our daughter why she messed up the<BR>washing - she said she thought she was doing a good thing by doing the<BR>washing - she then blasted her about mixing the colors up etc. our daughter<BR>then asked her if she could show her how to do it properly - she said<BR>not now, some other time. <P><BR>our daughter closed her door, she slammed the bedroom door, I put the lights<BR>out, got myself a beer and a smoke to try and calm down <P><BR>our daughter was crying her eyes out in her bedroom - I wanted to go talk to<BR>her but knew I better not - I would be seen as siding with our daughter. <P><BR>she came out her room, went and spoke gently with our daughter. <P><BR>Then I did a nother very stupid thing, took Ave's cellphone and went<BR>into the toilet to try and figure out how she had set up his number, but<BR>she had erased it. Next minute she knocked on the door and wanted me out<BR>of there. I came out and she asked "so, where is it?". I gave it to her<BR>and said take it, she said "Oh, this is just great, you cant keep your<BR>hands off anything" <P><BR>She then said, well if you are quite finished can I now lock the front<BR>door. I said I was quite capable myself (believe it or not) <P>She pushed<BR>off upstarirs and again agve me hell for slamming the front door and<BR>what would the neighbours think - this late at night... I then got mad<BR>and told her not to talk to me about slamming doors after the way she<BR>had been slamming things around tonight. <P><BR>She went upstairs and I said to her that we have got to have a serious<BR>talk - she replied what for - she cant see anything to talk about. <P><BR>end of that <P><BR>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Yes, will firstly I wonder how she really feels - is she just mixed up and confused because life has not turned out like she expected it to, is she disappointed in me and what she has been dealt up with, does she really want ONLY me in her life now, or does she still feel she needs someone to supplement her life right now. <BR>I am so confused right now I dont know if I am coming or going. <BR>How she really feels about the kids is difficult to say, she does love them, but gets very fed up with them, feels they are walking all over them that they should be acting more grownup but at te same time feels that they are still her kids and wants to treat then like kids. <BR>I can see all that is left now is to just try and be as close to the perfect husband as what she wants me to be - (still trying to figure that out right now - what exactly does she want - but suppose again I have missed it - just be supportive, unselfish, undemanding, non-domineering, trusting, loving but not suffocating, let go of the reins, more helpful, less dependant, less touchy, ignore some things, be a man not a snivelling nervous wreck, unwanting, more accommodating, fitter and stronger, less controlling, less suspicious, less miserable, stop being so very cynical, less possessive, respect her "private life" , etc) and forget about my feelings and needs and HOPEFULLY it will eventually be sufficient for her, if she hasnt found something better in the meantime. <BR>I should really stop this - all you are getting is one side of the picture and story all the time, it is not good. Even my own children seem to have better sense about it all. <BR>Just feel exhausted and at a loss of exactly what to do. <BR>I have now spent half a day here at work with very little done, so better get myself jacked up. <BR>I just wish someone would get through to her that it is just not on that she can still have contact with this [censored]. Yes, I call him a [censored] because he sucked her into this (fair enough she went willingly after a while), made her feel sorry for him, then took advantage of her - hey I do know a bit how a mans mind works - all along he was just after getting her in bed, I know his type. he saw this lovely attractive lady who was all upset and he pulled her in rescued her from her problems and succeeded in getting her into his pants. Believe it or not from a mans point of view it is a lot more sex-related than a womans point of view. She is attractive, sexy and a damn good lay. <BR>As I have said before - you can see it by his actions - passing crude pornographic jokes onto her, his mind is more on sex than anything else. <BR>How do I get through to her that she is possibly on the brink of losing her whole family if she doesnt stop this nonsense? I love her very much but how much am I supposed to swallow, how much more must I just let go by, or is it me that is too apprehensive and expect too much at once. That I am not seeing her feelings and problems clear enough? <BR>Maybe she has only been in contact with him once or twice in the last few weeks, but I am not so sure, I cant say her track record is particularly good, is it, or maybe I am oversuspicious and expect too much at once , but then again I feel this has gone on long enough now, its not just a matter of weeks, hey, this all started over a year ago. <BR>She has even got me thinking now that I really am the miserable [censored] and blowing this out of proportion, but how can I be expected to not be suspicious or concerned, but I do honestly think that she has a problem. <BR>Again last night she wasnt feeling good and was a bit tearful, I said to her she should really get to the doctor and go and talk to him, and not to be afraid to openly talk if she is depressed - She just said, dont worry I am ok - the same attitude all the time. She also said she has put on quite a bit of weight over the last few months and has no enthusiasm or inclination to lose it. None of the enthusiasm that she had before summer last year - but now I see why - both her and the [censored] were both on a weight loss thing as I can remember her saying that he had also lost about 20 pounds early last year and was trying hard to lose some more weight. So, now it is not such a high-priority item on her agenda anymore as she doesnt have to do it for and with him - not that it really matters that much to me, but just another stab-woud that she found it so important to lose weight for him and their relationship last year but it is not so important now that she is not jumping into bed with him, its just me that she has to put up with and satisfy now. She lost an incredible amount of weight before last summer and was at her slimmest since we got married. <BR>You know, just maybe, there could be something about this menopause business, as she revealed it last night that the guys at work were kidding her last week because on Wednesday she was feeling very flushed and hot at work, while everyone else was feeling quite cool, she had to take off her jersey and go outside a few times because she was burning up she was so hot. I just cackled and said well maybe it is early menopause and that she should then really go to the doctor and get it checked out - she got quite indignant and said no ways does she have menopause. <BR>I am sorry but still do not accept that this menopause, if she really is suffering from it, is the root cause of her actions and behaviour at all. Again I said to her she really needs to go get checked out because she is really ruining her health. <BR>Also I stressed again last night to her to go and get her sinus problem sorted out - it was quite obvious that she was suffering from very bad sinus passage inflmation as a result of the sawdust in the air from me cuting up all the wood - even though she didnt help me sweep up, she was still in and out while I was busy on Saturday and Sunday and woke up on Sunday with a very puffy face and very sore sinus passages, there was still a lot of fine sawdst in the air. Again I told her that she should really get to the Workers Compensation Board and see if it is as a result of the chemical fumes that have damaged her (I am absolutely sure of this being a lot of her sinus problems, not just a matter of growing older - I am not exaggerating when I say how much pain she has gone through in the last 3 years since startin to work for that bloody Vision Printing Company - yes, she has always been very sensitive to chemicals and perfumes etc, but absolutely nothing like now) and again stressed to her that I think that the last thing she should be worrying about is the feelings or effect this may have on the bosses and people she worked with at Vision - her health is much much more important than anyone that she worked with there. (I Know the relationship with this [censored] is possibly holding her back on doing something about it.) She said last night that she will maybe call WCB this week. Here's hoping that she does something about it and just doesnt forget about it again when the pain subsides. <BR>I am getting to the point of not knowing which way to turn anymore. I just dont know why also that she feels she can still mess the kids around like this after promising our son that she was going to end it all, and now is still in contact with the [censored]. She still wants me to keep the kids out of it, but how can I cover up and just lie to the kids that everything is well, in the meantime she is not being truthful with our son too - this is hurting me too. Maybe I am overreacting again, but I can see that the kids have lost some respect for her, but have been gaining more and more confidence with her so am sitting betwixt and between on whether to mention it to them or just let it go, but then run the risk of them finding out and then disrespecting not only her but also me again. <BR>Anyhow let me try and get some work done, I nearly ended up in big trouble at work this morning as some work that my guys had to do this weekend was delayed by a few hours because they couldnt get into the building where they had to do the work after hours, something that I should have made sure was organized Thursday last week, but with this upset with her again last week, I was not thinking very clearly. This was a close call and fortunately, just before the guy was going to give up and go home, someone came out the building and he was able to get in. The work was done a few hours later than scheduled, but so far we have had no complaints from the Customers that were affected by this outage. So here's hoping that this one will go unnoticed. It does sound very mean that I am putting the blame on my home problems for my slipping up at work - but some of it is very true, I do feel very mixed up with everything that is going on. <BR>I know I am again feeling very suspicious - yea I need to know for sure how much she has been in contact with him the last few weeks, and for sure I most probably would end up approaching her with her cellphone phonebills if I can get my hands on them and no additional evidence of whether she is actually seeing him or not, but I feel the phone story is sufficient - maybe the monitoring her timing every day will help, but I know she will still challenge this as me treating her like a child and not giving her her space that she needs. So, short of hiring a private detective, which is basically out of the question because of the expense, and she will definitely find out about it when the bills are paid, I am stuffed. <BR>Also I know that my cynicism every now and then, like on Saturday most probably does not help matters at all either, so basically I am most probably more at fault than anyone right now for the way things are going. <BR>Actually I have got to the point where I am exhausted and half of me is just saying, forget it all, admit defeat, let her do her own thing, whatever she wants - whether it means she wants both of us or whatever and just go on living a lie or whatever else t takes just to stay sane and bugger what the kids think about me for not being able to convince her that she is doing wrong - yes, just let her have her fun and games and I will just go on and try more successfully earn a living to support the family's needs. My feelings and needs for love and intimacy just dont really matter anymore (this sounds pathetic, doesnt it). <BR>I just feel I dont have the energy to fight anymore - I have tried to show her it is not right but, like so many other things that have happened in the past, my advice or suggestions just do not mean anything to her. <BR>Who am I to complain, we have had 22 pretty good years and must just be fortunate that we have had this in comparison to so many others. So, let her just get on with what she wants in life and take what I can get from her along the way - Yes, I sound very selfish, when she is working so hard and trying to fit everything in at work and at home and cope with her own emotions. I just find it so very very difficult to cope with being there every night and not truly knowing what is going on, even though she says that she does love me but tha I do not believe her. <BR>I am sorry but this last discovery has just taken the last strength out of me, so lets see how the next few weeks will pan out , maybe I am blowing it out of proportion, but am getting tired now of trying to hold up my side and just getting kicked in the pants everytime. I am just tired of living with continuous doubt, and fear, and the feeling that whatever I do is not going to make any difference anyhow, she will still do what she wants to, I just feel I cant fight it anymore. <BR>I just feel like disappearing away from it all for however long it takes, but know I cannot let the kids down. <BR>Sorry, just not feeling all that good today. <BR>Anyhow, you say I should be just more or less ignoring her and work on myself, was it not me ignoring her in the first place where all this started - by me concentrating all my efforts to stay employed so as to bring home enough to cover our expenses? <BR>I fully understand what you are sayinghere and I am getting closer to telling her to get out if she cannot see reason and the need to break off from him completely. Hopefully our blowup last week will wake her up to the fact again that I am not just going to let her do as she pleases. <BR>One of her complaints against me was that I was not understanding and sympathetic to her needs, so have to tread carefully here with her, she will very easily throw it in my face that I am ignoring her and not listening to her and not romancing her etc. <BR>I am now tired and going home, had enough for one day. <BR>Again last night, after she had her afternoon sleep, as she was so sore wth sinus pain, she couldnt sleep last night and my snoring was disturbing her, so I ended up get up at midnight and sleeping downstairs on the sofa. <P><BR>I am just so curious about everything.<P>I noticed when I checked her cellphone last week and found she had phoned the [censored] (she slipped up this once, usually she clears off the log of outgoing calls she make) - I saw that she had entered *83 before she dialed the number - *836035808. I am wondering why she did this?<P>I said to her last night, tell me, I am curious, why did you dial *83 before you dialed his number, she said I dont know, he told me to do that quite a while ago when I phone him, I said to her, oh, I get the picture, then it most probably doesnt show up on your call listing. She got so upset and gave me hell "Are'nt you ever gonna let this go, you just cant give up and forget about it, you are never going to let me live it down, you are never going to let us get on with our lives" So, I said to her "Well, angel, what do you expect, all I am trying to get is some truth and honesty" She got so mad and said "Dont you call me ANGEL, I am not your angel" and slammed the iron down (she was doing some ironing). Just then our daughter walked in, so I changed the subject and started talking about something else.<P>I bet you the [censored] knows I have been checking her phone, and has told her to do this so that it doesnt show on her call listing, or it doesnt show on his call listing so that his wife finds out they are still in contact.<P>Thanks I get your point as you have written below. I know now that this last time I should have told her straight to leave our home, but again I was too soft because I love her so much, all I want to do is restore our marriage to a position of trust.<P>Yes, my son is still a bit young, but the poor guy has been involved in it right fom the word go so i do feel I have to let him know what is going on, more than once he has asked me if we are going to get divorced, but I have told him I have no intention and I just want her to stop her nonsense, we are a family and have gone through a lot in the last few years and I am not just going to give it all up because of this stupid affair. He has already told my wife that he still has nightmares of seeing the two of them kissing in the park last summer. No wonder he has been experimenting with pot/marijuana - of corse my wife thinks this is just because of the friends he is keeping.<P>One part of me says get rid of her, the other part of me says get this sorted out and get on with life, she has a problem, I have helped her before with problems and I can help her with this.<P>Yes, I know she did it, but I still blame this senseless immoral, big-penised ******* for drawing her in so that he could get into her panties. I am sure he has done this before.<P>How I would love to be able to get hold of his wife and have a good talk with her, but he doesnt have a listed telephone number (only his cellphone), and I only have his P.O. Box mailing address and dont know where they stay. He looks like a real slimy [censored] to me.<P>Would you have felt the same if your boyfriend/husband had found out and kept on checking up on you and got mad when he found out you were still incontact with OM, would you also have tried to push the blame onto your husband for his actions?<P>I will get to the bottom of all this.<P>

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 70
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 70
Kevan, Idon't know where to start,but here goes.All of what you said hits home with me.I want to know everything she is doing,but thst only will push her away.I have posted a topic "Wife has a plan" check it out and see what I'm up against.I have many if not all the same feelings as you.It's so hard to trust her, but I can't stop loving her,we'Ve had alot of good times in the last 18 yearsand been through alot of bad ones too.I got her to read a bunch of stuff i downloaded from MB and when I asked her what she thought she said that it was good stuff,but to bad it was to late.It crushed me to say the least,Ileft her in the liv. rm. and went to bed.She walked in on me while I was crying and said she cuold't take this anymore and needed to move out.I told her that she was invading my space and that even though I have excepted her feelings given her her space it still HURTS LIKE HELL.I think she accecpted this and will also give me my space.I asked her last night to sort out all the bills so I can see what we owe,and start to pay them off.She has always done all the books because of her horse buiss.I'm not shureif she is aware that when we seprate she wont have control of me or my income.Last time this came up she went bolistic!Trying to find a way to ease her into it.For now I'm just going to take it one day at a time.I realy enjoy talking with you, its realy good knowing I'm not the lone ranger.Have to go to work,thanks again

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
K
kevan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by need to know:<BR><B>For now I'm just going to take it one day at a time.I realy enjoy talking with you, its realy good knowing I'm not the lone ranger.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So just on 12 months since my wife was 'discovered' in the park kissing it up. 6 months since she accepted a Christmas gift from her lover AFTER THE AFFAIR WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OVER ...<BR>And, guess what - still no intimacy, not even a voluntary kiss from her....<P>This is very very cruel...<P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>With all this now still going on between my wife & myself - I often sit and think, when I am in a bad mood and feeling this anger rush in again - maybe I should also go out and have a try and see what it is like to make love to another woman????<P>If she has had the opportunity to go and find out for the first time in her life what its like to make love to someone else, besides the virgin male she married, then why cant I too?<P>Bad attitude, hey - this is the same as saying, well my dear wife, seeing that you have had an affair and had the chance to find out what it is like to make love to someone else, then why shouldnt I???<P>I was feeling so angry again last night - just at the thought that she went out with him early last year with full intent of climbing into bed with him - and then bawling her eyes out the next day, telling me it wasnt what it looked like, and she didnt want to ruin anyone's marriage, making passionate love to me two nights in a row, and then still going ahead and continuing the affair and ending up screwing him anyway. HOW DO I GET THIS HURT OUT OF ME?<P>It would have been bad enough if I had just found out that they were having an affair, but after being lied to me like this, it makes it all that more difficult to get over this.<P>Yes, I keep on blaming him for climbing into her pants, but it is obvious she was just as willing to see what he had in there, just waiting for her - the ***** - sorry this sounds very coarse, and please dont take personal offense to this - the main reason I am now still so upset over it all IS HER DAMN HESITANCE FOR INTIMACY AND CLOSENESS.<P>It could be very possible, I know that, if I was put in a position where I was tempted right now - who knows what may happen - I wonder if she realises this?<P>Another thing, she is putting on more and more weight - quite ironic, last year by this time she was her slimmest she had ever been since we got married - but no effort this year at all - yes maybe it is an indication that things have cooled down with the fat oaf - but then again - I am sure a few pounds in bed wouldnt make any difference to him anyhow - he is so big and overweight, he would most probably enjoy the bit of extra cushioning.<P>It is quite obvious that the "affair" was already in full swing - at least the emotional side of it, while I was away in Quebec early last year - it almost as if she couldnt wait for me to get back - then jump at the chance of climbing into his pants - at least that way she didnt feel guilty that she was "deceiving" me while I was out of town.<P>I know that MarriageBuilders preaches that the hurt party should just do their best and "hang in there" while the wayward spouse gets their life back together - but, hell, are we not allowed ot have feelings too and expect some type of affection?<P>It is all fine and well that the deceived party should fully understand the trauma and guilt that the wayward spouse is going thru, "withdrawing" from the affair, but are we just expected to "ignore our emotions and needs" while this is going on? Are we really expected to just "grin and bear it", make as if we are happy with life all the time?<P>As soon as she can see that I am feeling a bit down or angry becauseof something that has triggered off an emotion or memory, she gets her back up immediately.<P>I am finding this very difficult to deal with...<P>How do you deal with a person that just wants to "ignore" what is going on, ignore her spouses feelings (I suppose mainly through her feelings of guilt) and just go on with life, as long as the spouse she has just hurt doesnt expect her to be "intimate" with him?<P><BR>How do you deal with a person that just wants to "ignore" what is going on, ignore her spouses feelings (I suppose mainly through her feelings of guilt) and just go on with life, as long as the spouse she has just hurt doesnt expect her to be "intimate" with him?<P>Hey, I at least got a phonecall from her at work today - but the only reason was to make sure I had submitted my expenses...<P>We are having a difficult time at work with the company downsizing - many people have been laid off...<P>So, same old story again tonight..<P>I got home before her tonight - 6:30 pm and no sight of her.<BR>No phonecall beforehand, nothing.<BR>Then 5 minutes later, a phonecall - she "had been for a swim", can I please turn the pot on on the stove with the meat in it.<P>Then she wonders why I get upset - I phone her every time I am going to be home late. But if I have to mention something like this she gets mad.<P>Well, at least she approached me to kiss me hello - rather hesitantly, but nevertheless.<P><BR>When she came home I did my best to just act "normal" - a few minutes later she says "Well, are you peed off because I went for a swim?" - but with such a look in her eyes - almost ready for a fight, ready to challenge me as soon as I had anything to say - I just said no and ignored it.<P>So again, same old story, "pleasant, courteous" talk all night. <P>I said to her tonight during dinner how difficult it is at work with all the layoffs, how low the morale is and then said to her "But dont worry I will be a good boy this time. I wont end up a nervous wreck like last time - so I wont cause you any stress" (This of course was one of her many excuses for the affair - She needed someone to 'lean' on - she wanted a husband that was a "man", not a nervous wreck)<P>She snapped at me straight away "Oh, stop that crap, are you just trying to be funny"<P>Dinner finished - watching TV - falls asleep.<P>Bedtime, I go shower, she goes upstairs to bed - I finish showering, she asks, well arent you going to sleep upstairs in the bed tonight - I said no, because I know she will not sleep with my snoring, and she needs her sleep.<P>Then I just said to her "All I am looking for is a kiss and a hug, that would make a big difference, thats all I was looking for last night too, you know" - not a word from her. <P>She got into bed, I went and kissed her goodnight, expecting maybe that she would say, come have a cuddle for a few minutes, but no, just a goodnight kiss and thats it, I left the bedroom and came downstairs.<P>Do I have to beg for her mercy now, because SHE had the affair, and she feels so guilty now, and she feels she is not good enough for me (yes, she has told me this) and now feels so difficult to show me love?<P>I have tried everything I can, believe me - but still this distancing - what more do I do?<P>She wont go to a counsellor, wont talk to anyone about it, just wants to pretend as if it never happened - well at least expects me to - but she doesnt want to get close to me - oh, yes, maybe if I ask for a hug or a kiss, I may be lucky depending on her mood.<P>And still her cellphone account gets sent to her work address, not to our home address - and she now expects me to trust her completely again? She just gets mad when I even mention it... I so very nearly demanded that she give me a copy of her last 5 months phone logs last night.<P>Anybody wonder why I still feel suspicious of her goings-on?<P>HOW LONG DOES THIS GO ON FOR - AM I EXPECTED TO JUST SIT BY AND WASTE ANOTHER YEAR OF MY LIFE WAITING FOR HER?<P>Yes, she tends for the home, besides working full-day, cooks most evenings even though I suggest very often that she takes a break. <P>I have asked her many times if we could invite friends around for a meal - everyone has asked us to their homes and it is quite obvious that some reciprocation would be nice - but no, she says she just doesnt have the inclination for it - then she wonders why her best friends are a bit cool with her? She is now finding excuses that they dont like her anymore.<P>I have even written a letter to her explaining my feelings (last time I went away) and my need to know what has happened (a very good friend found an excellent letter for me at the <A HREF="http://www.dearpeggy.com" TARGET=_blank>www.dearpeggy.com</A> website) - but not even a word from her about the letter - I have been home for over 2 weeks now...<P>Anybody out there have some suggestions?<P> <BR>So, here we go again:<P>Yesterday morning I left her in the shower when I went to work, behaved like a good little boy and didnt walk in on her to kiss her goodbye.<P>Got home last night, hey, at least got a "token" kiss hello out of her !!!!<P>We went out for dinner last night at a pub down the road - lovely little Irish Pub (both our kids were out for the night and she didnt feel like cooking for 2 of us, so I suggested the pub for dinner).<BR>We both had a few drinks and some dinner - all happy and joking. <BR>Quite a few of the men smiled at her in the pub - how do I explain to her that you dont stare at men when they walk past you in a pub, especially when you are with your husband?<BR>Anyhow, I just joked with her about this, she felt quite embarassed - I told her its those beautiful big blue eyes that everyone falls for.<P>So, got home last night - she did some washing - I was pretty tired, 10pm went and had a shower, then went to her and said to her, well, are you going to take a sleeping tablet tonight so that I can some and sleep in the bed with you tonight? (I have been sleeping downstairs on the sofa for many months, as I am a heavy snorer and she has not been sleeping well, and is a light sleeper, and whenever I sleep in the same bed as her, she ends up getting up in the middle of the night and going downstairs to sleep - but then doesnt sleep and is grumpy as all hell the next day)<P>Answer "No, its too late to take one, I wont wake up in the morning"<P>I suppose I am crazy to expect her to at least have said to me "Sorry, it will effect me too much tomorrow, but we can at least have a cuddle tonight" !!!!!!!!<P>So, she went upstairs to go to bed, I took my sleeping bag and pillows, settled on the sofa. I usually go upstairs and kiss her goodnight, but I thought last night, this is enough, lets see if she maybe comes and kisses me goodnight for a change - hah, next joke.......<P>This morning, I got up, made her coffee like I do every morning, took it to her and woke her up - but no good morning kisses for her this time.<P>She came downstairs a bit later, looking quite grumpy, I asked her if she slept well - she just answered "No".<P>Again this morning when I was ready to leave, she was in the shower, so I simply knocked on the door, shouted goodbye and left for work. No more kisses goodbye for you dear lady until I see some change in attitude.<P>To tell you all the truth, I cannot wait to get away on business again so that I dont have to see her every day and not be put in the position where I want to hold and love her, but just meet with resistance.<P>So, any further ideas on how I should try and get her to come around?<BR>

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 238
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 238
My advice to you to protect your delicate feelings and future<P>Let her go<P>Tell her tonight you may go<P>Let her go to him<P>How can you accept a woman back who let a strange man touch her body and she went with him never mind you behind her back waiting and hurting<P>What if she gives you the gift of his sexually transmitted disease<P>Let her go to her lover<P>Do not hold her back<P>You are not good enough for her but are better than she thinks<P>Log into <A HREF="http://www.dating.com" TARGET=_blank>www.dating.com</A> and find a woman who is faithful at heart waiting for you somewhere and would never betray you like that<P>Tell her to go to her lover<P>Reject her and become like stone<P>Can you bear the thought of her doing it again and again to you<P>Are you her precious silky cushion that she can wipe her dirty hands off on after touching him and who else knows what<P>Go to a Christian church for counselling and a minister<P>You deserve a clean woman<P>Even the Bible says when the partner is unfaithful you deserve to get away and find someone clean<P>God protects you in this way from the diseases of affairs and also the reoccuring of her wanting to return to the sickness of her sin which she is doing<P>Protect your future now and make a clean break no matter how hurting it will be for you break the biscuit and get yourself strong Go for counselling and find the miss clean and faithful out there who wants to be yours truly and let miss fling go and have her ball<P>She will not be cinderella afterwards but a used rag in the kitchen<P>She betrayed you behind your back Let her dig her own hole<P>She is going to hurt you again and again<P>Stop her right now<P>And be firm and stick to your hardness<P>For your own health's sake

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
K
kevan Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 240
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CarolBo:<BR><B>My advice to you to protect your delicate feelings and future<P>Let her go<P>Tell her tonight you may go<P>Let her go to him<P>Stop her right now<P>And be firm and stick to your hardness<P>For your own health's sake</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I can accept her back because I know she stumbled - but she must want to come back completely - I will treat her with love but at the same time she must make her mind up what she wants in her life - I cannot wait forever.<P>You have some very harsh words here - have you by any chance experienced the turmoil and trauma of an affair - it doesnt sound like it.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5