I need some help I think in my marriage. My husband completely loses controls and screams at the smallest things. I always knew he had a temper but not to the extreme that I've seen since we had a son 2 years ago. It always seems our son does something and it sets my husband off. He rages and screams, hits the wall and scares my son (and angers me with is irrational anger). This isn't what I got married for. We've talked about his anger but he says "leave it alone", "there's no problem", or the most used is "I'll take care of it". <P>This anger is really destructive. We've talked about him getting help or doing some stress-reducing exercises and he refuses or doesn't follow through. It seems like every time he screams I lose a little love for him. Then an hour later, he asks if we can have sex?<P>Our talking doesn't seem to solve anything. His anger trait is apparent in his father and all 3 of his brothers. One brother's second wife just served him divorce papers. They have 3 kids and we were very close. My husband just thinks she went crazy to leave him that quickly. I believe it was anger.<P>I don't want to end up this way. What can I do to let him understand that this is not something to procrastinate about? HELP!

I'm no expert, but it does sound like you need help fast. He really needs to see someone about anger management. My son sees a therapist for it, he has a physiological condition that causes it, and the therapy helps him maintain his calm.<P>There's obviously a cycle in your husband's family that needs to be broken, and if your husband takes what happened to your brother-in-law seriously, maybe he will consider getting some help. In the meantime, you need to find a time when you can let him know you love him, but how his outbursts frighten you and your son, and that it can't be "left alone". You really need to act, for the sake and safety of you and your child.<BR>Good luck.

First of all, if there is danger to you or your son, you must leave. My H ranted, raved, screamed, threw things, etc, and thought it was no problem because a priest told him that he should not suppress his emotions - it was bad to let things simmer.<P>Well, it's also bad to let things get out of control. This includes your H's anger, and <B>YOUR TOLERANCE OF IT!</B><P>You must already know that you cannot control your H's behavior. You can, however, control your own reaction to it. You must set a boundary on what <B>you</B> will tolerate.<P>It is not fair to act without a warning, so you must give him the opportunity to be aware of your intolerance, and to change his behavior.<P>Tell him in a very kind and loving way that his anger is intimidating and frightening and is out of control and that you cannot let this continue. Tell him that you understand that he loses control, but that you will not allow yourself or your son be exposed to this any longer. Use "I" sentences. "I'm intimidated and frightened by displays of anger, I won't tolerate being frightened anymore, I will take our son and go visit (your mom, my mom, my girlfriend, go shopping, just leave the room, etc) when I become frightened."<P>This must be done consistently!!! You cannot set a boundary if you do not follow through every time!!! He will not respect this boundary if he decides to "be good" for several months, then the "one time" that he blows up, you tolerate it because he has been "so good all month". In this example, you will have taught him that he can blow up once a month and you will tolerate it. <P>You should also prepare youself in case he wants to argue with you when you present your case. Do not let yourself be drawn into an arguement so that he can defend why he does what he does. Simply smile at him, tell him "I love you very much and I hear what you are saying, but I cannot let myself feel this way anymore."<P>Remember you can not control him, so do not say "you can't do this anymore". He can choose to do whatever he wants.<P>You must also prepare yourself to leave permanently if he doesn't change his behavior. Again, unless he is abusive and is hurting you, tell him. "Honey, I've been so frightened still by these angry outbursts, that I feel I have no choice but to move out if things don't change in the next month." Again I say prepared, because he will never respect you unless you follow through. If you want to save what love you have left for him, you must get away from him before he destroys all your love. Then if he can find a way to control himself, there is a chance for you to rebuild your love.<P>H

Harlequin99-<BR>What you have said makes lots of sense. How did you know to approach it this way? Your own counseling? I've been meaning to talk to my husband again about this but his brother's divorce just came up. I figure I'll discuss this weekend. I'm hoping that divorce wakes my husband up.<P>He, nor any of his family, is ever physically abusive. It's just the raging. When he normally explodes, it's right before our 2 year old's bedtime. Our son does something and it puts my husband over the edge. I don't think I could leave the house at this time since it's bedtime for our son. I've normally stepped in and told my husband to get out of the room. He then bangs around in another room (and our son asks - while crying - Daddy???).<P>What do you think?<P>

There is a book that I found out about on this site called "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend. The authors teach you to examine yourself first, and identify things about yourself that may contribute toward a poor relationship. Then with loving honesty to set boundaries for what you will not tolerate.<P>The big breakthrough in my history was when I printed off my post and the responses that I got and gave them to my H to read. He later tried to deny that he'd really done anything bad, and tried to downplay things by harping on frequency of the incidents (only a few a year), but he was ashamed, I guess, that he had actually been frightening. He has a very limited view of himself as a generous, kind, and gentle soul. In actuality, he is judgemental, selfish, and moody.<P>I really hate it when our children begin to get upset during one of his moods. Luckily, the rages have stopped, but the brooding and self-pity have not.<P>H

My husband had this problem. It's emotional abuse and it's also terrifying. Our son was becoming a nervous wreck and so was I. I went to therapy and he wouldn't. I found out this is the "little boy" in them. Apparently, my husband was allowed to rage and nothing was done about it.<BR>It finally escalated to one instance of physical abuse and I received black eyes. I took action IMMEDIATELY. I left, with our son.<BR>My husband loved us enough to get help. He went to a therapist and also went on prozac. I now live with a very kind, caring person and our son is doing much better emotionally.