HELP!!!!! I am a recovering alcoholic, I actually have years with out a drink. But in the last 15 months I started to act like a drunk again. It all began with one little lie, then my diesese took over. I have lied to my W verbally abused her, manipulted her, intimidated her. <BR>I realized I am afraid to late what i have done, now the pain is almost unbearable. I fear I have lost the only family i have ever know, lost my best friend and soul mate the only woman I ever truely loved with all my heart and soul. We are now seperated by court order of no contact. I am changing me for me, but I want to go home. I now also know what it is to be truely Homeless!!!!! I want my marriage back can anyone help?<BR>thanks<BR>Roger

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RidenSober:<BR><B>HELP!!!!! I am a recovering alcoholic, I actually have years with out a drink. But in the last 15 months I started to act like a drunk again. It all began with one little lie, then my diesese took over. I have lied to my W verbally abused her, manipulted her, intimidated her. <BR>I realized I am afraid to late what i have done, now the pain is almost unbearable. I fear I have lost the only family i have ever know, lost my best friend and soul mate the only woman I ever truely loved with all my heart and soul. We are now seperated by court order of no contact. I am changing me for me, but I want to go home. I now also know what it is to be truely Homeless!!!!! I want my marriage back can anyone help?<BR>thanks<BR>Roger</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi, I actually responded to you from my topic "Sad...", but I wanted to send an additional message (that wasn't as much venting about my issue). I commend your efforts to own-up to the pain you caused for your family. I don't know that I can offer any advice (other than the wife's perspective, but I don't know "your" wife's view) except to say if you truly are going to work on "you" then that is the best first step you can take to regaining your life and perhaps your family in the process. It will take time but perhaps time is the best medicine for healing. It will also be painful going back to re-evaluate where these issues originated from and trying to heal them within yourself (I hope you have a counselor or counseling group). Because until you can heal inwardly, the things that have created this part of you, how can you learn better ways to express your emotions. Healing is "probably" the step right before re-learning. The painful steps come first ("probably" recognizing, evaluating, acknowledging, forgiving and letting go of issues from the past that created this part of your pesonality). I'm not a psychologist. This is loosely based on 12 steps and some counseling I went through years ago.<P>I can understand your wife's need to have no contact. Trust is broken. Time and space is probably the best medicine right now. Don't know the agreements of the "no contact"? Is writing off limits? However, careful here, I don't think bombarding her with letters and empty/yet unfulfilled promises is the answer. But, perhaps a note own-ing up to the pain you've caused, the loss you feel, the fact that you're scared you may have lost everything for good, and what you are doing to work on you so that perhaps one day you will both be at a place where you can attempt to get counseling together as a couple (if possible would be up to her--do not apply preasure). And, that she has done nothing wrong. It was not her fault or anything she did or didn't do. It is about you. And you want to fix that.<P>I would also "not" suggest that you write her continuously.<BR>One of the main reasons it has come to this point is because she needed a safe haven, a place to regain her sanity, self-worth and strength (again I'm speaking from my perspective of a wife in a similiar circumstance, "not" your wife's). If you really feel the need to write her or tell her things get a journal. Perhaps if the day comes where you both can do counseling together you will get an opportunity to share the journal with her.<P>I don't know if any of this helps and hope I didn't get too long-winded.<BR>

Thank you for your help yes i do have several support groups AA and an Abuse prevention group as well as a personal counselor, we do have email contact, but I have not yet gotten very deep with that mostly just financail stuff. I have written her everyday since we have been apart I hope to one day give hertthese letters.

Get the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". Although it is geared toward those being abused, it will help you understand why you are abusive. Unlike most abusers, you have taken the first important step--admitting to your problem. The book gives some good advice on getting a good counselor. Don't settle for anyone--get a counselor who understands the subject.