This is my first time at this web-site. I actually found out about "marriagebuilders.com" when I searched on a local "Legal" web-site for questions on how to persue a seperation and what my legal rights would be to try to get my husband to leave. I am thankful to the person who posted it but my dilemma still exists.<P>I read the "Basic Concepts" section of this website and definately know my husband and I are going through the "Withdrawl" phase (again...and again, and again,and again...I am so tired). Actually that whole section; "Negotiating the three stages of Marriage", describes our entire 12 years of married life (but mostly spent in Withdrawl). I love my husband so much but I can get so filled with anger that I just don't know what to do.<P>I asked him to leave last night after another episode (actually a weeks worth come to a head) of his rollercoaster ride. All week long, if he spoke to me at all, it was to ridicule, put down, or negate what ever comment I made or thing I was doing. I kept my cool and ignored him until Thursday night when I just told him to leave me alone and I went to bed early and left him to finish school work and putting the kids to bed (we have 4 wonderful children 16, 11, 9 & 12 months). Friday (and Saturday morning) went smoother/gentler and then Saturday he had a long lunch with friends, came home and went to bed at 3pm. Sunday he half-way apologized and then by mid-day he is mad at me for God only knows what this time.<P>I know I've done nothing wrong (not that I'm a perfect partner here...I certainly have my turns of being the sh**) during this whole week of incidences. But I just couldn't help it...I got so angry with him. If anyone should have been mad it should have been me at him yet now he wants to get an attitude!!!! I tried to stay calm and I asked him to tell me what he was so mad about. "I can't talk to you" was his response; which just infuriated me (and he knows it does and I let him push my buttons) so I told him to leave...I want him to move out. He won't and I can't afford to leave with the kids.<P>I don't know what to do (and I'm just so tired of crying). I just feel that nothing has worked that we've tried and I want to be apart from him. The atmosphere of our home seems so much calmer when he is not here. And I know I'm at fault because I let his moods sway me...if he's happy then everything in life is great but if he's upset my mood instinctively goes down.<P>I know I'm going on and on and I'm sorry. I just really needed to get it out. I feel trapped and powerless and I hate it. I have some options of where the kids and I could go but none of them would be in our school district and my H and I seperating would be hard enough I certainly don't want to take them away from their home and friends. I'm also wandering if he's hoping I would leave, trying to drive me away. This particular weekend was different from his normal attitude problem. He was really angry and mean. Usually he is a jerk and obnocious but he's not usually out and out mean. There's not much I can do if he won't tell me but I may have already wedged it by telling him I want him to leave. I don't know but I'm tired of being sad and I'm really tired of having to go through this ridiculous immature song and dance everytime he has an issue.<P>Thanks for listening. If you have any suggestions I'ld appreciate it.

I'm new at this too, so don't have any advice to offer. Just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. I'm on pins and needles with my husband and his moods also. It's very frustrating. I know how you feel and am here for you if you need to continue to vent.<P>Take care.

Have you read Boundaries in Marriage? I think it might be helpful.

Imight be able to help you. See I am the husband I have been very verbaly abusive towards my wife in the pst year or so. She finaaly had had enough and got a restraining order. It was like a two x four across the forhead. I have finnaly realized what I have done. I am now trying to change things but i may be too late. I want to save my marriage. I know she is the only prson I have ever truely loved and been in love with. I only hope that time will heal our marriage. I understand your pain and confusion. <BR>RidenSober

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Berry:<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Thank you for your support Berry and same here if you need to vent. <P><p>[This message has been edited by lmb (edited March 21, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SueB:<BR><B>Have you read Boundaries in Marriage? I think it might be helpful.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have heard of it but have never read it. But, thank you, I think you may be right and I will read it.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RidenSober:<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Oh, wow I am so greatful that you responded. I just read your posting, from March 15th, and I'm glad you are working on "you". Was counseling required by the court order (not just for each of you seperately but for both of you together...of course counseling seperately would most likely be the wisest thing to begin with)? I don't want my husband to leave because I don't want our marriage to work; I want him to leave so that hopefully we can find the correct way to make our marriage work (address conflict responsibly, build each other up vs tearing each other down, communicate & compromise our issues w/each other before it gets to the conflict stage etc.). Hopefully thats your wife's thoughts too.<P>If I thought my husband would take the attitude you have I would get a restraing order today. I don't know if he would? Or if he would just decide this was it and our marriage would be over. I'm not at the point yet (but not far off either) of being ready to accept the latter. I know I must be ready to deal with the worse case scenario before I could do that. And I'm also scared of the continuing damage our arguments are going to do to our relationship in the mean time (how many wounds have to be inflicted, from both of us, before healing is nolonger possible...sigh).<P>I have my faults too and I can be quite a rager (I'm not proud of it just trying to be honest and own-up) and when I get backed in a corner (like I feel my husband has done to me, again, in this incident (powerless)) I turn in to this person I don't like: raging, throwing insults, telling him to leave (the full arsenol). I try first to get him to open up, then try to ignore his attitude until he decides he is ready to talk, and when that doesn't work (or he continues to be beligerant) then let the arsenol begin (so I can hurt him back so he can feel some of the pain I'm feeling). The worst part is I think thats what he was trying to do (to get me to that point) so he has won again. And, again, how many wounds...<P>So who issues the restraing order on who? :`{<P>This was suppose to be a "thank you" and "hope all goes well for your situation" response. However, its turned into the venting response I should have sent to Berry. (sorry, I'm a newbie).<P>I just don't know what to do? what to think? what to feel? (besides empty, alone, lonely, worthless, incompetant, unloved, uninteresting, fat, ugly, unworthy, angry, sad...)<P><p>[This message has been edited by lmb (edited March 21, 2001).]

I know how you feel. I also get totally enraged when I feel he is getting away with feeling no pain. I do my best to inflict it, which is wrong.<BR>Remember that women tend to be hurt and men tend to get angry. His anger is a type of hurt. If you were nobody to him, he couldn't get so angry.<BR>Don't try to have him leave, even if it sounds like a great idea. Follow the advice of the website and just avoid bothering him, avoid outbursts and stop making demands. Try it for at least a month. Give more than you should. You have a whole life to get it back and you will. Work on yourself too and don't believe the insults. They hurt only if you believe them so check if he is right and if not, do your best not to believe them.<BR>Don't go crazy trying to love him some special way because you aren't able right now and you would want something back that he isn't ready to give. First calm the waters. He has issues with you even if you might be "more right". What is the point of being "more right" if you end up alone and your children have no father? It won't be enough to make you feel good.<BR>If you can, read Psalms and try to find comfort there.<BR>Get counseling for yourself if you have the strength.<P>The advice I give to you is my advice to myself. Hang in there! I'll say a little prayer for you.

Thank you. I took your advice last night and the evening was calmer and less tension in the air. Thank you, also, for reminding me that I don't have to show love right now (not that I will show disrespect) cause you're right I don't have it in me right now (my love mode is too much in the hurt mode and I don't trust him w/the love). Thank you also, for reminding me that it goes both ways...I know he has issues with me and they are just as real to him as his are to me. Any particular part of Psalms you recommend? or, just start to finish? Thank you also (to all others as well) for taking the time to read my post and responding and for your prayers.

I'm not really an expert, but what I do is read through and usually I find some comforting Psalms, almost right away. I will have to look up which ones for you but there are really a lot.<BR>Also, sometimes I just ask Jesus to hold me like I was a baby because I'm not able to handle the emotions I feel. I usually feel better for a couple of days after that.<BR>Maybe God allows this strife (which He doesn't approve of) to allow us to draw closer to Him. He will take care of you and release you from the roller coaster. You have to put Him in the center of your life, which is hard to do, because we want to control our lives, at least a little. The closer you draw to Him, the more you will feel peace until it becomes very hard to upset your peace. Your love will then come out naturally. Hang in there - it's not necessarily a quick change all the time. We all have to learn patience.