Hi everyone, i'm still fairly new to this forum, and really need some help and advice. <BR>I really don't know how to tell my husband how i feel about our relationship. everytime i give it a try he either get's angry or just thinks that i'm too sensitive. I don't think i talk blameful toward him or so, but he thinks everything is ok. There are so many things bothering me that i don't know where to begin. I'm scared and mixed up in my feelngs towrards him. i love him very much but it is so hart to get along. he is extremly grumpy, if he doens't get what he wants. In general i cut back on something i really hoped we could do or go to, because he doens't really feel like going. if we do go he doens't enjoy it and makes me feel that. if we don't go or do what he expected us to do he is incredibly angry or whiny about it, and gives me a hard time. we ahd some trouble earlier in our marriage regarding trust issues, (he was involved with porn) and that really took a scar in my trust on him. <BR>he never tells me when something bothers him, he'll show me by elaving the room and holding a grudge. i hartly can deal with that...it makes me so frustrated. i really wish he would cooperate more, so we can disguss whatever was wrong, <BR>he want's me to go and leave him home alone more often so he can do more of the things he liks like loud music.<BR>he get's angry if i don't go becasue of other things coming up. he confuses me. we used to be close and understood each other. <BR>please help what can i do????

Sammy, I can kind of relate to what you are going through. Except I recently found out that my husband cheated before we were married and I now have a "stepdaughter" that is 13 months old. We are having to go through all kinds of court proceedings to determine child support and my husband wants nothing to do with the child. But, back to the subject. He refuses to talk to me about it. Says he "doesn't remember" anything about it. Everytime I bring up the subject he gets mad and says, "Don't you think this affects me too!" As if. I just want closure on it. I want to know the hows and whys of it so I can move on. We have only been married for 1 year and have a 5 1/2 month old son. I believe that he thinks I will get mad if he tells me anything so he sticks to the silent treatment (which really makes me mad) and does his "own thing". (playing with the car, computer, or anything else that will get me to leave him alone). Well, I hope my "sad" tale makes yoursd look better.

Here is an odd one, because i am a guy who is basically going through the same thing with his wire, we have 3 kids and she is totally withdrawn from anything i or we do, wont even go anywhere or do anything with me or the kids, basically wouod rather stay at home, so she can have her "alone" time, only to find out that , that alone time means playing games and chatting to people on line, are sex life is basically non existent, except for when she gets stoned and then she is all over me, aside from that she doesnt bother or associate with me. If you want i'd like to talk with you and discuss everything ,maybe we can help each other out, who knows, its just an idea, take it for what its worth, miamidm@yahoo.com<BR>taker<BR>

Sammy,<BR>I hope you don't mind a different perspective on this. I am not saying this is what is wrong with your relationship with your hubby but this was a large factor in mine. My w and I grew apart and I became an angry, grumpy, and I guess sometimes whinny. She constantly nagged and was constantly negative about everything I said, for instance....I would tell her her hair was nice and she might respond so it isn't what you want because you would have said it was beautiful.....or I would not respond immediatly when she would have her hair done and she would mope around and say that I didn't like it. I got so "beat up" by not saying the right thing or not saying anything that I just quit talking at all. ( I know that was wrong) Also I didn't want to go anywhere with her because she constantly accused me of looking at other women. (I wasn't) And when I quit going out with her because I didn't like being accused....she said I didn't go because I was ashamed of her. I don't know if this is at all what your husband feels....but it was my problem.

Your partner is showing signs of hearing too much verbal pressure from you intended by you in a kind and helpful way, in the hope of a possible positive outcome and renewal of relationship bonds with him<P>Unfortunately because he is pulling away from your good advice and intentions it is making the relationship bonds you are trying to amend, even more distant than before<P>You will have to try not to nag and I know it is hard because most of what you are intending is correct but he is receiving it in a different way than you are intending<P>Start with yourself and look for counselling in your area with a minister or cousellor of your choice<P>One person must be appointed to help you and when he sees your approach to be different, he will very possibly be attracted back to you and he will not be repelled instead by all the efforts by you, to mend the relationship<P>Try to forget the past and pretend it never happened<P>It does not help to cling to the past because it only reminds him to do it again<P>Try to put it to rest and become a new you<P>It is hard because you are trying hard<P>But go and see a counsellor<P>Log in to <A HREF="http://www.allexperts.com" TARGET=_blank>www.allexperts.com</A> and also seek opinions there but try to stick to one counsellor<P>If you help yourself I am sure he will pick up the good vibe you have being trying to give to him all along and hopefully he will respond and go with you<P>If it still does not change then he is not interested in the relationship with you<P>Try and spend more quiet times together like reading in his presence<P>It has very theraputic results<P>When he sees a more quieter and restful you he too I am sure will be the same<P>Regards and good luck<P>Carol

Sammy<BR>run right out and get a copy of relationship cure by Gottman--you might get a taste going to the Gottman Institute web site<BR>The theory breaks down all social interactions and how we respond to each other<BR>I guarantee that in the first chapter, you will receive great ideas on how to improve things from your side<BR>I am equally assured that, if you are thoughtful enough about it, wait and think about it, you can evoke a positive change from him, too<BR>good luck<BR>r