I am sure you have seen my name elsewhere.<p>Ok, please all you good ladies out there.<p>I amdoing my best to please my wife who has had an affair, as you all know, with a man who is much better endowed in the sexual equiment than me.<p>I have tried everything to please her and put things right, wined, dined, loved, cleand, vacuumed, but still get treated like dirt - where am I going wrong.<p>I have been told:<p>"There's other ways of tantalising and satisfying a woman"<p>Help me out here.........<p>[ December 05, 2001: Message edited by: kevan ]</p>

Hi, Kevan. I just posted to you in the DD forum.<P>Let me say one thing to you and you've probably heard it before . . . SIZE DOESN'T MATTER. What really matters is how well you use what God gave you.<P>You're doing everything right as far as being romantic, etc. As far as the lovemaking goes . . . use your imagination! <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Susie7753:<BR><B>Hi, Kevan. I just posted to you in the DD forum.<P>Let me say one thing to you and you've probably heard it before . . . SIZE DOESN'T MATTER. What really matters is how well you use what God gave you.<P>You're doing everything right as far as being romantic, etc. As far as the lovemaking goes . . . use your imagination! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Suzie,<P>Imagination - boy I have been trying many many things, believe me (ok lets not get too graphical now [nod, nod, wink, wink, ...... say no more]), but it is a bit difficult when your partner finds every excuse to be distant...<P>Would some of you good ladies be willing to share some of the exciting things you have experienced - you know, us men are really dumb a lot of the time and do need guidance and pushing.................<P><BR>

OK, Kevan - and I'm probably barking up the wrong tree considering your W's attitude of late - how about ASKING her what she'd like? In this area, it's very important to communicate! <P>Another thing that may be hindering your sex life right now (I doubt very much that it has anything to do with YOU) is the fact that your W is still very much in withdrawal. I can tell you that sex was very difficult for me during that time. I know it's hard to understand, but I'm being honest with you.<P>Give it a little time, try everything, and ASK!!!

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Susie7753:<BR><B>OK, Kevan - and I'm probably barking up the wrong tree considering your W's attitude of late - how about ASKING her what she'd like? In this area, it's very important to communicate<P>Give it a little time, try everything, and ASK!!! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey, believe me I have tried so many things - ask, boy have I asked, in every way I think I could - what answer do I Get??? "You should know by now, I shouldnt have to coach you!!!" or "Oh, cant you give it a break" or "I need some time after what has happened, cant you see?"<P>See - see what, all I see is someone who wants her "Space" and time away from home.....<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hanora:<BR><B><BR>What I can't go buy is someone who listens to me, laughs with me, looks at me, holds my hand, rubs my back, holds me when I cry, lets me know that he will be there whatever may come.<P>Size may matter, but it's way down on the list cause it is so replaceable.<P>Apologies to those I may have offended.<P>Take care<P>[This message has been edited by hanora (edited April 05, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"What I can't go buy is someone who listens to me,"...trying harder every day..<P>"laughs with me,"...always<P>"looks at me,"..... Whenever I get the opportunity, but then get told, stop looking at me all the time, stop starinmg at me like that<P>"holds my hand," ....after dinner every night, whenever we go out shopping together, and the first one to offer a hug, but get told "Stop smothering me"<P>"rubs my back, " every morning when I take her coffee and wake her up on my way to work, nearly every night, how about foot-tickling too, does that count<P>"holds me when I cry, " ... I am always the first one there to offer comfort and a hug, but get nothing in return<P>"lets me know that he will be there whatever may come."...how about, no matter what has happened and no matter what will happen in the future, I will always love you<P><BR>Also a bit hard to face, whether it may be the truth or not, but have always been sensitive about size, have always been told "Dont be stupid, thats more than enough for me", but then ends up in bed wiht someone a lot bigger, then when asked, maybe we can get some bigger toys or extenders, says "Yes, maybe, could be fun"..................<P>Sorry gals, I do believe a lot of what you say but it is hard to face...

Kevan, you have to realize that she didn't know what size OM's equipment was before she went to bed with him, so don't feel that she went looking for someone who was better endowed. It just happened that way.<P>Your W obviously has a lot of issues, but I don't think she had the A to find someone who was bigger. Please try to understand that.<P>As your W is still in withdrawal (and still possibly having contact with OM), it will be hard for her to feel close to you. It's unfortunate, but it's just one more thing to deal with in the aftermath of an A.<BR>

After reading the 'Give and Take' book, I would guess that you need to stop trying for a while. In withdrawal, your wife doesn't even want you to fulfil her emotional needs. Concentrate on identifying and eliminating lovebusters first. And read the book, I wish I hadn't found it too late to save my marriage.<P>'Trying everything' could be a real LB if she's not ready. When I'm feeling turned on and ready for sex, I'll try anything, but if I'm not in the mood, all this suggesting and asking would just come over as pestering. I would abandon all idea of sex for now, I don't think you are helping yourself here!<P>Tackle emotional needs (not just sexual fulfilment) when she comes out of withdrawal.<P>Good luck!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dido:<BR><B><BR>Tackle emotional needs (not just sexual fulfilment) when she comes out of withdrawal.<P>Good luck!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks, guys keep up the good advice, I am sure a lot of it will sink into my predominantly male egotistics way of thinking.<P>I think the worst thing about an affair is the person that gets hurt is the one thatends up having to do the most work to restore the marriage.<P>

Hi, Kevan.<P>I've been reading your messages and thought I'd reply in the hopes I can help. I have been through the pain of my spouse cheating on me, and I know how devestating it can be. It really knocks the ol' ego for a loop, and I'm sure it's especially so for a man. I think that's where a lot of your worry about size comes from. Frankly, I don't think size is an issue at all here, except that it's obviously a worry for you. <P>Let me put it this way: How do YOU know the OM is well-endowed? Because she told you, right? Maybe in answer to a question on your part? Is it possible that, sensing your self-doubt, she couldn't resist a chance to strike out at an issue that's a vulnerable one for you?<P>That does not make her a bad person. In fact, to me she sounds like a very angry person. Somehow, some of her needs weren't being met (and I don't mean sexual needs), whether those needs seem logical to you or not. I don't think not living closer to her relatives is the only issue for her, either. That's just a hunch, but it does seem like a solid relationship that ran into that one snag, however significant, wouldn't be causing two people such misery--and let's face it, she's pretty miserable, too.<P>You sound like you're pretty angry, as well, which is completely understandable! Some people describe the pain of getting cheated on as "a shot to the heart." That sounds about right to me. It's natural that you'd be angry, not just about the affair, and what you see as flaunting her relationship to the OM, but about her continued distance from you, and what seems on the surface to be her cold ingratitude for your efforts to truly get her back. (Again, I'm pretty sure anger is her real emotion here.)<P>I'm getting long-winded. Sorry! Let me wrap this up with a few suggestions. First, give her a little space. Tell her you both need a little time to heal. Then gather your willpower and be pleasant but a bit more distant. You need time to heal, too. During the "time out", do some nice things for yourself. Spend time with friends, people who you know appreciate you.<P>Then ask her if she'd be willing to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Don't beg. Just ask. Tell her it would help you to understand her needs better. I have a hunch you don't understand her needs, probably because she's never made them clear to you. (The size thing doesn't count, as I can guarantee you that's not the need that brought on the affair.) You should fill out the Questionnaire yourself. I'm betting one of your needs is for respect (It's called admiration on the Q., but it's the same deal.) because you don't seem to be getting much of taht from her right now.<P>When I was recovering from my husband's affair, I read a book written for psychologists that advised that the victim spouse should take some responsibility for the affair so that both parties are on an equal footing and can therefore forgive each other. What nonsense! We're each responsible for our actions. After all, did YOU run around with other women after you discovered the affair? However, I think it's a good idea to try to understand what she was looking for in having the affair and to look at how you can provide what she needs emotionally. I don't believe any affair is "just physical"; there's always an important emotional component.<P>Hope this helps. Good luck and God bless.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by belle:<BR><B>Hi, Kevan.<P>Let me put it this way: How do YOU know the OM is well-endowed? Because she told you, right? Maybe in answer to a question on your part? Is it possible that, sensing your self-doubt, she couldn't resist a chance to strike out at an issue that's a vulnerable one for you?<P>That does not make her a bad person. In fact, to me she sounds like a very angry person. Somehow, some of her needs weren't being met ........................<P>You sound like you're pretty angry, as well, which is completely understandable! Some people describe the pain of getting cheated on as "a shot to the heart." That sounds about right to me........... <P><BR>First, give her a little space.... <P>Then ask her if she'd be willing to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Don't beg. Just ask. <P>You should fill out the Questionnaire yourself. I'm betting one of your needs is for respect............. <P>When I was recovering from my husband's affair, I read a book written for psychologists that advised that the victim spouse should take some responsibility for the affair so that both parties are on an equal footing and can therefore forgive each other. What nonsense! We're each responsible for our actions. After all, did YOU run around with other women after you discovered the affair? However, I think it's a good idea to try to understand what she was looking for in having the affair and to look at how you can provide what she needs emotionally. I don't believe any affair is "just physical"; there's always an important emotional component.<P>Hope this helps. Good luck and God bless.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Belle,<P>Yep, believe it or not we have been through a lot of posting on this subject<BR>have a look at:<BR>This topic is located at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002006.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002006.html</A> <BR>(My wife had an affair - I still want her )<P>That is, if you havent already.<BR>Well-endowed - he is 6 feet 4, has got hands like hams, a big frame, and yes, by my wife's admittance (by the way she is only 5 feet ZERO inches and weighs in at around 120 pounds) - this is one of the questions I asked her a few days after she was exposed, it may sound a bit crude - but yes, I asked her if he was big (she was actually in tears at the time too), she replied yes, I asked if if it hurt her, she replied no (this is something I have been sensitive about for many many years with my wife and have asked her often about it and she has always replied that I was big enough and that she could never manage anyone bigger anyhow - yeah right - bet she was surprised too hey....) I have even had a hint now and again from her over the last few years that maybe it would be interesting if I was a bit bigger, but has never come out and said, hey, you're too small. And of course how do you think I feel when I know I am smaller than average (around 5 inches), as I do also have a slight build myself. (6 feet and only 138 pounds - yes your classic skinny, but have been like that all my life no matter how much I exercise and eat).<BR>Sorry this does sound crude, but I am being totally honest and open with something that has bothered me for a while, especially too when I got a comment from her a while ago that I should think of getting more exercise as it feels like I am not as big as I used to be...<BR>I am being open and honest here where I am sure a lot of men feel the same way as I do but are too embarassed to actually talk about it...<BR>One of these man-things hey..<P>Yes, I do realize that some of her needs were not being met possibly - but I have asked her more than once to read the articles on "Emotional Needs" and "Love Busters", even printed them out for her and put them in a binder - they sat on the backseat of the car for two weeks - she didnt want to know anything about them and just does not want to discuss it now...<BR>Yes, I have tried, without begging... but just get stonewalled.<P><BR>Yes, to be respected would help tremendously...<P><BR>No, no affair is just physical - usually more emotional, I understand that - then I get physically and emotionally stonewalled?<P>Confusing to say the least when you are trying your hardest and a t the same time to mainatin respect with your children.

Hi Kevan<P>I read a few of your posts, and I wanted to drop you a note to hopefully be of some encouragement.<P>I see a repeating theme in your letters. I can tell that you are very self conscious about the size of your gear. <P>Are you trying to get over this affair. If you are, reminding yourself that buddy had a bigger [censored] than you is not going to help.<P>For your wife to suggest that it would be better if you were bigger is cruel. She obviously knows that this is an issue for you.<P>You seem to have drawn a correlation between size and ability. I don't believe this to be the case necessarily.<P>Ask 100 women if penis size is need #1 for them, and 100 will likely say no. I bet it doesn't place in the top 10.<BR>You are making more of this than there is. You need to get to square one with your wife, so that you can put the OM behind you. <P>She is still with you, you must be doing something right.<P>Later

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Slapnuts:<BR><B>Hi Kevan<BR>You need to get to square one with your wife, so that you can put the OM behind you. <P>She is still with you, you must be doing something right.<P>Later</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, we are still together, and she is still as cold as ever, no matter what I do and try. We had one h*** of a humdinger this weekend - I told her I have had enough - she said its because of the "guilt" she is feeling for doing it, and that she is not worthy of us - this is either a cop-out to justify her not wanting me - or a hang-up she now has - that I still want her after all this.<BR>3 months since we have made love - and then I woke her up in the middle of the night - the only chance I ever have - start getting amotous while she is asleep. Absolutely no voluntary love coming from her to date.<BR>well, we will see after this weekends "discussion" which ended in her throwing another temper tantrum, breaking dishes and blaming me for making her cry so that her face is all puffed up to go to work today (she didnt, anyhow, she stayed at home).<BR>I will see how it goes the next few weeks - I will be watching her carefully, very carefully, then if it is still the same, PLAN B will come into action. I cannot go on guessingand wondering forever.<P>Thanks guys for the encouragement.<p>[This message has been edited by kevan (edited June 26, 2001).]

Kevan <P>I sympathize with you being abused in such a emotionally deep cut way<P>I wondered why you took her back when she had been sleeping with someone else<P>How do you know she has not brought you a disease or a future developing disease<P>You were under no obligation to take her back<P>I feel sorry for you and there is nothing wrong with you<P>You are the one who is high on a pedestal in my eyes<P>You were good enough but she threw you away<P>I leave the decision in your hands<P>You deserve better and what if she does it to you again<P>The man she slept with stole from your marriage and helped her withdraw your love units you had saved for her<P>Now you give her your reserve love units or are trying to give her more than you think you used to give her<P>Do not be a victim of this going astray of her please<P>She deserves to have you distant from her<P>I know you love her but have you wondered if she loved you having done that to you<P>When I was getting divorced before I remarried again I did not run to a man to hold me up because I was lonely and in need of emotional nurturing <P>I stayed at home and did babysitting to earn money and support myself<P>You have character and all that you need to be a man so you do not have to try any harder to be better<P>She needs to change or get out and you find a new clean live<P>I will respect your decision<P>Just please both of you go and see the doctor<P>For your health's sake and hers as well as your future<P>Carol<BR>kidnpuppetshow@yahoo.com<P>Prayer partner and christian counsellor

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CarolBo:<BR><B>Kevan <BR>I will respect your decision<P>Just please both of you go and see the doctor<P>For your health's sake and hers as well as your future<P>Carol<BR>kidnpuppetshow@yahoo.com<P>Prayer partner and christian counsellor</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Hi Carol, thanks for your reply and concern.<P>I have been to the doctor on numerous occasions already in the past few months and have had bloodtest done for various things - from that side I am in the clear, thanks for your advice there.<BR>Thank you also for the support in who I am - it is just not so easy to keep away from a very attractive woman when you are living with her and that you still love very deeply.<BR>She has the problem - I know that - she is living with her guilt - and she is the one that needs the help, but is just too stubborn and hard headed to admit it.<BR>I am watching her now very carefully after our run-in this last weekend, if the response does not improve - then I will play very hard-ball with her.<BR>I am not prepare to give up 22 years of good marriage because of some a**hole who thought he could come in and rip our family apart. I know I have my children behind me too on this.<BR>It has injured not only me, but my son too who was the unfortunate one to discover them kissing and feeling it up in a public park in the center of town.<BR>I will not be moving out - whatever happens - but she may find herself in the situation where she is no longer the holder of a set of house-keys if there are any more "performances" from her.<P>I am going to write this oaf a lovely letter this week - telling him what a delightful mess he has made of our family - my son has all but failed Grade 11 as a result of the trauma he has gone through - even though my wife says he is to blame himself for being so lazy - you cannot call a kid lazy for eanting to move out of home and live with a friends family because he cannot concentrate on his schoolwork and homework at home because of the friction.<BR>He has had to drop one subject, as he was also failing English. First semester he failed Maths outright, and had to take it again this semester. So in actual fact he has dropped two subjects this year in total.<BR>I wont say that it has been the only cause, but has definitely been the major part of his problem this year. Last year he completed Grade 10 with very good resullts.<P>I am now going to write this oaf a letter telling him exactly waht he has done to our family - ruined my sons schooling - ruined our relationship, which I know will still take many years to fully repair, if ever.<P>I can never trust her again in my life like I used to.<P>I will tell him that he has wasted and ruined at least two years of our lives. He calls himself a 'friend' - no ways - friends DO NOT RUIN MARRIAGES - they help people to put them together - but then I can see now, his brains are actually situated within a member of his body situated between his legs - and there is not much substance there either worth talking about.<P>I have suffered tremendously these last 2 years, so has my wife - yes I know she is not innocent - she wanted to get into his pants as early as March last year when I caught her with a bag of lingerie after she had lied to me about going out with a girlfriend, instead she was out with him.<P>This guy is a scumbag, believe me.<P><BR>

OK...the size thing..I'm a Women's Health Nurse Practitioner and look at vaginas all day long...point to ponder...the vagina is a "potential space" which means if there 's nothing in it it sort of deflates..now consider the size of a regular tampax 1/2" in diameter and about 2-3 inches long...stays up there all by itself! Consider the size of an 8 pound baby..gets out all by itself. What most people, women included don't realize is that most of the pleasurable nerve endings are located on the outside (the vulva) and the beginning 1/3 of the vagina...approximately the first 2 ". Most men don't realize that dry hurts, so please lubricate fingers ect before messing around down there. Clitoris is very sensitive..some women can't stand to have it touched directly, but the areas around it are very sensitive should be noticed...alot..and often...again..lubricate...KY, Astroglide, spit..who cares.<BR>This is as graphic as I plan to get.<BR>T

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Twyla:<BR><B><BR>This is as graphic as I plan to get.<BR>T</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, that is really being straight and to the point - thanks for your candidness. Yes, of course I know that a lot of it is psychological and of course today's openness and frankness about sex and size does not really help people that have felt the way I have, I know that.

Kevan..<P>I am new to MB but I do understand. I am a woman who is 6'1" who used to be 165lbs, and is now 240lb. (2back injuries later). I have issues with myself that my H has had to try to deal with. I have not had to deal with an A, but my H has been very dishonest with me. I have told my self that he is this way because of something I did or have become. <P>Thinking that I was the cause of every fight, every problem in my marriage started with this issue. I was so depressed and anxious about myself image, and who I was I was medicatied for a while. I<P>I realized while watching late night TV that I didnt have to feel this way about myself. I bought a program, Midwest center's anxiety and depression. It has taught me (although im not all the way through). that in order to fix what is going on in other aspects of my life ,I have to fix the aspects inside myself.<P>My point being, this anxiety that you feel about your size...are there other things about yourself that u r doubting, because I usually find that there is never one thing. <P>take time to know and like yourself, before u ask your wife to like u again. Like others have said.. take this time to heal yourself because if you feel more confident about yourself, you can be more confident when it comes to your marriage. <P><BR>I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through, i was close to tears just reading about it. I hope u find that you can love yourself the way God intended for you to be because it makes all the difference inthe world!!<P>GOOD LUCK C<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cofwill:<BR><B>Kevan..<P>I hope u find that you can love yourself the way God intended for you to be because it makes all the difference inthe world!!<P>GOOD LUCK C</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you for your concern and wishes, they are really appreciated, and I am sad to hear of your dilemma and I do wish you all the best too.<P>It has been a very hard uphill struggle, especially with a wife that will not talk things out, clams up tight, and whenever I want to talk things out just gets irritable and mad.<P>Yes, I know my confidence has taken a terrible dive thru this all, but was actually suffering from depression for many years beforehand as well, mainly as a result of feeling that I couldnt give my wife everything she wanted.<P>After a very heated discussion this weekend - all i got thrown in my face this morning was "Look what I look like, I look like death, my face is all puffy from crying, I have black rings under my eyes" "Dont you dare do that again to me on a Saturday or Sunday morning and make me so upset"<P>Well, sorry, but things just boil up to a point, that even though she just expects me to ignore and forget everything that has happened and is happening, a person can only take so much of "Oh, please dont start that again, you just want to upset my weekend again"<P>She wont go to counselling, she wont tallk openly to me, only when I approach her - then she reacts in anger.<P>I am still sitting and waiting for her to show me her cellfone account - I didnt mention that to her this weekend, but she is still having it post to her work address, not our home address, after I have told her many times that she is just setting herself up for suspicion.<P>I suppose she is waiting for a "clean" month of calls, without the OM's number showing on the call detail.<P>Everytime I mention it to her, she just gets mad and tells me I am invading her privacy, and that she is not constantly checking up on me.<BR>

?.<p>[ April 17, 2002: Message edited by: max ]</p>

My Lord Kevan,<P>I can't believe all the sh*t your W is putting you through. I must say that you are a much stronger man than I and I certainly applaud your efforts to keep a family intact which I assume is for the sake of the offspring. However, you should remember that sometimes it is best for the kids if you get a dysfunctional parent out of the house (your W fits into this category). To me she sounds like she is the sole cause of the disharmony in your family and she should shoulder the entire responsibility, not that the weak little bit*h ever will though. Yes, write the scumbag with whom your idiot W is having (had) a sexual tryst a letter and let him know just what a major problem in the morals department he has and that he should please take your psychotic W off your hands. Perhaps they will be a perfect match. I'd give her have a copy of the letter also along with a deadline for her to be out of the house and into the a**hole's arms. She is destroying your son and it is your responsibility to protect him from the damage her lack of values is doing. She does not care for you nor your son's well-being. The sooner you rid yourself of this miscreant the better. BTW, the size of your penis isn't a factor in pleasuring your wife or anyone else for that matter. From what I've read I'm surprised that you could even get it up for the bit*h. Graphically speaking, perhaps it would have been proper for you to have told her to pack some of her well-used pu**y around your penis if she didn't like the slack she felt. Ditch the evil one before she causes any further damage to you and your son.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Noggin:<BR><B>My Lord Kevan,<P>Ditch the evil one before she causes any further damage to you and your son.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oops - wow - some anger there ok.<P>Hey hang on there - I love the lady - yes, I do - I may sound like I'm crazy, but I do.<BR>She is a good hearted person - that sound ridiculous to you?<BR>She's got lots of hangups - thats for sure, so, why cant we work them out?<BR>Do you think I have been married to her for 23 years for nothing?<BR>Do you think I am just going to give it up right now - no ways, I will stick this out to the very end - you may think I am stupid.<BR>Yes, I get your point loud and clear - and, yes, I have often thought the same of her more than once BUT I still love her and know we can have a life together, even through all of this.<BR>I love your expletives - arent you a courteous fellow?<BR>Divorced maybe? Certainly sounds like it !!!!<BR>A bit bitter maybe? <BR>Yes, I am bitter too, yes, I am angry - but I know there is love inside there and lots of hurt and guilt.<BR>Ultimatums could come soon.<BR>I tackled her about her cellfone bill again tonight - laid it out very straight to her - she mustnt expect me to believe much she tells me if she still hides her cellfone account away from me.<BR>Would you believe she is a good caring mother? That she loves her kids?<BR>Wow, now I am defending her - you must think I have lost my mind - well, maybe.<BR>I know who I married, I know who I have now and I know who I can have in the future - its just going to be very hard work getting thru her very obstinate mind.<P>If I had heard somebody with a bit more decency telling me that I should write a letter to the pig of an OM - I just may consider it - I just may do it anyhow, why not, what do I have to lose?<BR>

Hello Again Kevan,<P>Looks like I need to apologize to you for my last post. I certainly didn't mean to be indecent. Guess I've been hanging around to many dirty cockpits and jet pipes too long and that has fried my brains. Anyway, I apologize for being crass.<P>I just spent an hour and a half writing a reply to you and then my computer broke lock and wouldn't send it. I will break this reply into shorter sections in hopes that I can defeat this problem.

You are partially right in that you guessed I was divorced. However, it was not a bitter divorce just one that we agreed needed to be. I was the guilty party and take full responsibility for the divorce. Following the divorce I did a lot of soul-searching and discovered that I wasn't a very nice person. I suppose from what you reaped from my reply to you, that still may be the case in your eyes. After a couple of years I screwed my wayward head back on, got my rather crappy act together and re-entered the world of the living. Do I think that your W can be good-hearted and still act the way she is acting? Certainly; I believe that deep, deep down inside I was a "good" person in my first marriage - just not a caring, loving and devoted husband. It took a divorce and a few other happenings to jolt me into taking a look inside and finding that good person. I have now been married to my present wife some 20+ years and plan to devote myself to this marriage for the rest of my life. So I do see hope in your pursuing your goal of regaining your wife's love.<P>I know that I'm probably preaching to the choir when I say that your problem is not with the OM but with your wife. You may gain some bit of short-lived pleasure from writing him a caustic letter laying out how much harm and pain he has helped create but I doubt that he would really understand what you had to say. Better, I think, that you direct your letter to the true cause of your troubles, your wife.

The anger I erroneously displayed was not a holdover from a previous life but rather an over-reaction to the pain I sensed from reading your posts and knowing the frustration you are feeling while you are the one doing the right thing and yet the one being hurt. You are not crazy in your pursuit of a happy marriage with your wife and I apologize for telling you to loose her. I know that if you succeed the rewards will justify whatever the costs you have expended. I only wish that I knew how to get this across to your wife because she is missing out on so much from you. I do know, and I'm sure you know also, that without her strong commitment to your marriage, a commitment as strong and as determined as yours, success will probably not occur. How do you break through the horrible stonewall she has built? Have you talked to any of the phone counselors for their input? Surely they have had this problem many times before and may well have an answer or plan of attack for you. I sense in you a very able husband capable of giving to your wife all that she needs. She must take responsibility for meeting you in creating the marriage you both desire and deserve. She will have to put aside any outside interference and concentrate on working with you to this end but how you get to her through the stonewall you describe is, of course, the question that must be answered. Hopefully for her it will not take what it took for me to finally see the errors of my ways.

Do I think that your W can be a good mother? Heavens yes! In my first marriage I never felt that, in spite of being a horrid spouse, I was anything but a good father. Having a pilot's salary and the ease of traveling, our children never lacked for anything save my continued presence and that was probably a blessing. They have grown up to be outstandingly good and loving adults and contribute well to society. We never, ever burdened them with our problems and they knew they were wanted and loved. You and your wife will have to see to it that the problems you have are not allowed to spill over and negatively affect your children. You both should agree to protect their well-being at all costs and this means ridding them of having to deal with the knowledge of the OM.<P>Hopefully this will shed some light on where I was coming from with my angry outburst towards your W and again, let me apologize for my crassness and let me wish for you success in winning your wife's love once again.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Noggin:<BR><B>Hopefully this will shed some light on where I was coming from with my angry outburst towards your W and again, let me apologize for my crassness and let me wish for you success in winning your wife's love once again.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Fully understandable - and hoping that it will not come to what you have been thru before she wakes up - I actually think that right now it is more guilt than anything else that is surfacing - and of course the stubbornness of not backing down a bit - I guess we have to treat different people in different ways - some prople you just have to "chip" away at that rock wall until it crumbles, bit by bit - just takes a lot of patience and frustration, doesnt it. Determination I have - patience, well, that varies <grin>.<BR>Sorry, for me, love means endurance too.<BR>I have been venting a lot of my frustrations on the discussion board - better than venting them on my wife, dont you think. Have also received a lot of excellent information and guidance too.<BR>I have been for counselling - but of course, they were interested only on working on me as a person, and not that interested at that stage in our marriage.<P>Thank you for your reply....<BR>

ok, here i go....hope this info can help you.<P>I am a woman who will tell you that size does not matter...as long as it is not grossly small, whereas there might be a medical term for it!<P>Yes, everyone has an interest in something different from time to time...we all wonder what it would be like with someone different and sex with a well-endowed man can be different, but its not just becuase of the size of his penis. It's more along the lines of how he uses it, and how he makes a woman feel emotionally.<P>I loved a man that was very well-endowed, and he was a fantastic lover on top of that. My point: he was a fantastic lover, who happened to be well-endowed.<P>I am now married to a man who is average, and probably the smallest of all of my lovers, if you want to be technical. And I don't care about the size of his penis. It is how he uses it...and how he makes me feel. I do stay away from saying such things as "you're big"...why blatently lie. <BR> I wouldn't want someone to focus on how big or small my breasts were....you get what you get. its a whole package...not just a one item shopping club. How do i know he isn't thinking I'm a little too "loose" after 2 kids?<P>I tell him what I feel: I don't care what size it is as long as he satisfies me and enjoy himself. <P>Making love goes much farther beyond the physical equipment for me. i'd take a smaller man who could connect with me over a well-endowed man who couldn't any day<P>If you don't know how to use what you've got, then what good is it???<P>Stop torturing yourself. I have a hard time believing that the BIG difference between the OM and you is the size of your manliness... and that all her problems or yours would just go away if you were bigger. This is not the underlying problem i can assure you.<P><BR>Give her the space she obviously needs right now. when the time comes, offer her love and compassion....

Your wife put her finger in another man's mouth and back in yours and you want to satisfy her<P>Give her the boot <P>Let her go back to her dirty filthy bed where she wiped her feet off on your face and stepped on your nose to get into his bed<P>Go to <A HREF="http://www.dating.com" TARGET=_blank>www.dating.com</A> <P>Have a shower and go out and leave her behind<P>How can you possibly honour her<P>Why does she deserve nice treatment like that from you<P>So that she can feel good and do it to you again<P>How can you let her insult you like that and can you imagine her being in the bed with another man<P>What if she gives you an sexually transmitted disease that only manifests itself later on in your life<P>That will be your reward for taking her back<P>Get involved in a local Christian Church<P>And let her go her own way<P>You deserve a clean girl and better than a woman that has no respect for you behind your back and gets under the sheets with another man not worrying about if you will get hurt<P>Can you stand it if she does it again<P>Get stone cold towards her and reject her<P>She deserves only that<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by CarolBo:<BR><B><P>And let her go her own way<P>You deserve a clean girl and better than a woman that has no respect for you behind your back and gets under the sheets with another man not worrying about if you will get hurt<P>Can you stand it if she does it again<P>Get stone cold towards her and reject her<P>She deserves only that<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You have a warped image of Christianity - ever heard of the word "Forgiveness" ?<P>If she is willing to repent of what she has done and love me again - I will not refuse her.<P>You sound like a very bitter and twisted person who has not fully experienced the hardships of true life and love - for better or for worse, in sickness and in health - thos ewere the vows I took when I married.<BR>If she wishes to break them and not repent - then she can go her way, I cannot stop her - but I cannot kick her out if she does not do so, can I ?<BR>

First, I would like to applaud your commitment to your marriage. You are obviously a very forgiving person who takes his marriage vows seriously. I also wanted to express to you that size really does not matter. No one could ever turn me on more than my husband because of the special bond we share. No one knows me better than he does. It is who he is, and how he feels that turn me on. Without the emotion behind it - the physical would mean absolutely nothing to me. Also, it sounds like your wife is experiencing some serious emotional problems right now. I think that maybe she doesn't even know what she needs right now, and that may be the real reason she hasn't told you what she needs from you. She doesn't know. Can I suggest a book by Dr. James Dobson? It's called "What Wives Wish their Husbands Knew About Women". Some things in there are a little outdated, but he touches on how you may be driving someone farther away sometimes by doing what you are doing. you may need to just tell her "Hey, I love you, and will always be here for you. I accept you for who you are, and will be ready to listen when you want to talk". Then you should go about your business, and let her be. You have opened the door, and it is up to her to walk in, but she will fight and fight if you try to drag her in before she is ready. Also, attitude is everything. A man who exudes confidence is a huge turn on for many women (not looks). I know it's hard to have any kind of confidence with the rejection you are feeling, but try to remember you are a great person! She is so fortunate that you care so much. For the moment, don't let your whole existence revolve around her. Be there for her, be willing to listen and learn, but do your own thing. I hope this helps a little. God Bless!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 4given:<BR><B> Be there for her, be willing to listen and learn, but do your own thing. I hope this helps a little. God Bless!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you, you are a very sweet person<P>

Kevan, my condolences on your struggles. I'm impressed with your perseverence. I'm also glad to see you rejecting the harsh advice of some of these posters. Marriage Builders isn't about strangers name-calling a beloved spouse or urging someone who is clearly in love with their spouse to "give her the boot." Our goal here is to offer the betrayed spouse moral support in a safe and helpful environment, not bash "evil-doers." You are trying hard with a difficult situation, and I very much hope you succeed.<P>Sad

Please visit this site for a little advice... this is the same message I mentioned earlier in What Wives Wish...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.family.org/married/newlywed/a0011760.cfm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.family.org/married/newlywed/a0011760.cfm</A>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 4given:<BR><B>Please visit this site for a little advice... this is the same message I mentioned earlier in What Wives Wish...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.family.org/married/newlywed/a0011760.cfm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.family.org/married/newlywed/a0011760.cfm</A> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you very much, all you good people out there, you are really a great help. My wife even refuses to look at MarriageBuilders - she says I am just giving everyone in the world a view of our dirty washing.<P>I am sorry, I cannot do it alone - I need the support.

i feel as though size doesnt matter either but that how you feel about your self does. and if you cant please yourself them youll never be able to please her. do you feel good about yourself. also what i would do if my husband was like you . she doesnt know how lucky she is. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kevan:<BR><B>I am sure you have seen my name elsewhere.<P>Ok, please all you good ladies out there.<P>I amdoing my best to please my wife who has had an affair, as you all know, with a man who is much better endowed in the sexual equiment than me.<P>I have tried everything to please her and put things right, wined, dined, loved, cleand, vacuumed, but still get treated like dirt - where am I going wrong.<P>All I want to do is love her and her love me again.<P>I have been told:<P>"There's other ways of tantalising and satisfying a woman"<P>Help me out here.........</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><p>[This message has been edited by hoplessnlife (edited September 02, 2001).]

Kevan,<P>Haven't seen a post from you since around the 12th and I was wondering how you're doing. Hope the lack of posts is a positive sign that good things are happening in your life.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Noggin:<BR><B>Kevan,<P>Haven't seen a post from you since around the 12th and I was wondering how you're doing. Hope the lack of posts is a positive sign that good things are happening in your life.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, cant say much has improved really. I found out on the 2nd of Sept. that she had been speaking to him again. Believe it or not.<P>What ensued was a pretty heated discussion with her calling me ridiculous and "snooping" - I found out because I checked her cellfone and saw a call logged to OM.<P>I was also accused of only thinking of my feelings all the time and not hers. She said it was just a "casual chat" about their previous company. <P>I told her I didnt care less what it was about and that I was very tired of the dishonesty and her refusal to see reason and the total disrespect for me.<P>I also told her in no uncertain terms that her continuous attitude of resistance had gotten completely out of hand and that her refusal to stop contacting OM would never help resolving our marriage, despite everything I have been tryng to do.<P>She ended up throwing a tantrum, breaking the 1/4 inch glass-top on the coffee table with a coffee mug, storming out the house and coming back an hour later. Then accusing me of putting my children's interests before hers.Then I was threatened again that she will be moving out as soon as she returns from her weeks holiday in Europe.<P>The evening was ended by me telling her that it really didnt matter to me anymore, she had gone one step too far again and that she may do with her life now as she pleases.<P>I then suggested that she go to bed as it was already 1:00 am and I settled down for the night on the sofa.<P>She proceeded to turn all the lights on in the house, turned the TV on with the sound as high as it would go, demanded a drink from me, and stormed up into the bedroom and broke down sobbing on the bedroom floor.<P>I picked her up and put her to bed and gave her a sleeping pill to relax and lay close to her to stop her sobbing and explained to her that there is nothing further I can do unless she is willing to continue and that I cannot dictate what she must do in her life and she is now free to make her own decisions on whether she wants to stay or to leave.<P>If it wasnt for the fact that she had broken down into a nervous state like she did, I would have started Plan B immediately.<P>She has now gone on holiday this week. <P>From now on I am keeping my distance from her and will stop any attempt of intimacy with her.<P>If she does not decide to leave at the end of this month, I will continue to treat her with civility and politeness and no further.<P>I do now feel that it is totally up to her to change attitude or ask for assistance before I will show any further willingness to heal our marriage.

Kevan,<P>Sorry to hear about your continued trials and tribulations. I must say that I think the step you are now taking is the correct one. There is much to be said for freeing up a spouse who seems to not want to be bound in a loving relationship. Given freedom perhaps the wayward one will reconsider her position and the light which once shone brightly in her heart, now dimmed by who knows what, just may flicker to life and begin to shine once again. It is very possible that once she realizes that she has the option to make an unfettered exit she will come to the conclusion that she really may not want to go afterall. In giving her the ability to make the choice with neither positive nor negative influences from you, placing the onus to act upon her sholders, making her responsible for seeking her own happiness, you give her the freedom she may need to relax into a correct decision. Certainly if you remain resolute in your decision, if nothing else, it will stabilize your personal life and you will become stronger in your resolve as time passes. I think it was Gibran, my aging brain fails me, who said something to the effect that love neither possesses nor can it be possessed. I also remember something about a phrase or poem that went something like, if you love someone you must set them free; if they love you they will return. You cannot force or coerce a person into loving you. Obviously love was there once and for a reason. By removing all barriers to her leaving you are now letting her know that it is up to her to leave in peace or return and join you in a rebuilding program.<P>For what it's worth Kevan, a burden shared by a friend will seem lighter and easier to bear. My heart hurts for the pain you are in; be strong and know there are many who are with you.<P>Noggin

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Noggin:<BR><B>Kevan,<P><BR>For what it's worth Kevan, a burden shared by a friend will seem lighter and easier to bear. My heart hurts for the pain you are in; be strong and know there are many who are with you.<P>Noggin</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks Noggin for your words and concern.<P>Yes, maybe it had taken me a long time to realize what you have said above. It is quite obvious that the lack of respect she now has for me concerning the intimacy of our marriage and the apparrent lack of understanding of what I have stressed needs to be done to restore our marriage i.e. NO CONTACT. This together with the lack of respect she has for our son, in NOT telling him the full truth, in that she has not told OM to never contacct her again, of which my son asked her to do 6 months ago. The lady thus has her own agenda in life, of which I am no longer concerned with and she may go her own way and do as she pleases.<P>Oh, yes she "cares" for me and our children, ensuring we are always fed, cleanly clothed etc. but I do not need a mother I need a wife. I would rather be free of this which will then give me the chance of possibly finding someone else who has a better understanding of what is required between two persons to consummate a successful marriage.<P>Well, she has blamed me many times for wanting to "possess and control" her - is the requirement of wanting to know what your partner is doing in her life after betraying one and living in a world of lies and deceit after the fact, is this "control and possession?<P>Thanks Noggin. I guess sometimes things in life do not always turn out the way one wishes, do they?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by max:<BR><B> However, in my opinion, women like to be given oral sex. If done properly this will arouse a woman to a high level that will enable the woman to have a orgasm during intercourse. I have found that doing this also lowers the woman's inhibitions to enjoy the sexual experience. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yessireebob! Oh yea. Uh huh. Yup. That's the ticket.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by billbailey:<BR><B> Yessireebob! Oh yea. Uh huh. Yup. That's the ticket.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Obviously unanimously agreed to by the men on this site - I wonder how many woman would be in agreement ???<P>My wife seems to find this quite embarassing ?????<BR>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Noggin:
<strong>Kevan,<p>Sorry to hear about your continued trials and tribulations. I must say that I think the step you are now taking is the correct one. There is much to be said for freeing up a spouse who seems to not want to be bound in a loving relationship.
Noggin</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, believe it or not, we are still together - although not very happily. I think the final break is coming very soon. <p>But, before that happens, from a "discussion" with my wife last night I need to say the following: (This is true at least in her eyes):<p>I am writing a letter of apology.<p>I am apologizing to you for every bad word I have said about my wife. I have now realized that it has been my fault all along - everything that has happened - through my own selfishness and insensitivity.
I have always left all the decisions in our life up to her and have taken a back seat. I thought it was to give everyone what they wanted and I ended up just getting lazy and letting her make all the decisions in our lives. Nearly everything in our lives I have left up to her to make the decisions on - even up to where we go over weekends and holidays etc. and what we have bought and what we havent - so I only have myself to blame for what has happened in our marrigae and no-one else.
I am sorry for giving you the wrong idea all along that it was her that had hurt me - I have been hurting her for the last I dont know how many years without fully realizing it even though she has been trying to tell me so all along.
We made an agreement when we came to the country we are now living in at first to stay a year, if we couldnt settle we would go back to our home country. We then extended it for another year because of finances etc. We then decided to stay until we got our citizenship and then go back after that, as she really wants to look after her mom.
I have been insensitive to this and have put the kids interests before her and our marriage. The result being that the kids have got everything at the sacrifice of our marriage.
I am not saying this sarcrasticly at all but being very open and honest about it and admitting that I have done wrong in all of this. We should never have come to this country as it has just caused more problems than anything else.
It has been through my stubbornness and insensitivity and selfishness that things have ended up the way they are and on-one else's fault.
Yes, it has very stupidly taken me all these years to actually realize this and I have no reason to feel hurt by what she has been feeling as I have gone against her wishes. I have only put my feelings first in all of this the last few years.
My apologies for leading everyone down the wrong path and making out that everyone else was at fault and not me.
I have thus got us in this mess and to take the children out of here would now do a lot more damage than if we had gone back to SA after a year, but I was foolishly thinking only of finances and too scared of losing what we have.
I have depended solely on her to run the home and the finances of which she has done an excellent job and just lived in my own selfish world of my career and as a result ended up a nervous mess.
Even though she has supported me through a lot of our problems here and stood by me while I was in a mess, I have just taken advantage of all of it just for my own good and I thought for the children.
I have just expected too much of her and shirked my responsibilities in our marriage. With the result that there has also been insufficient discipline in our home and the children have done what they please, not what we feel they should be doing. I have been too soft on them.
I cannot stop her from going back home - I have hurt her deeply enough that I must not expect her to want to let me try again and put these wrongs right again.<p>Whether or not she has been resistant to stop seeing OM does not seem to count in her eyes, as she feels that everything has come back to this one fact of my insensitivity in our marriage.<p>I guess putting our children foremost in our marriage was not really the best thing to do?

Kevan - I have a word of advice:<p>COUNSELING<p>If not for the two of you, if not for her, then - at least - for you. <p>If nothing else, you are so hurt and angry and confused and distressed that you are probably unable to meet her needs. If you can't take care of yourself, you are of little help to anyone else. <p>Remember all those times you've been in an airplane and they give you the safety spiel? "In the event of an emergency, oxygen masks may descend from the panel above you. Should this happen, please put on your own mask before attempting to help any children traveling with you." <p>You have to be able to breathe before you can help anyone else. You are useless if you're suffocating. <p>And don't spend your time in counseling talking solely about her. You can't fix her. You can only fix you. Call now!!!!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong>Kevan - I have a word of advice:<p>COUNSELING<p>If not for the two of you, if not for her, then - at least - for you. <p>And don't spend your time in counseling talking solely about her. You can't fix her. You can only fix you. Call now!!!!!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I have been for counselling, I have very good friends and family supporting me through this.<p>I know now who I am and what I am doing - yes, it has taken a while, but through the excellent support and encouragement of a very good friend I an a better person and have gained my confidence.<p>She was as mad as a snake when she found out that I had copied this very same letter above to my sister and her father, who both know about the affair.
She says it is just a big pity-party on my behalf, when it was actually an honest attempt on my behalf to clarify with these people that know (and she is absolutely mad that I ahev told ANYONE about the affair).<p>Then last night I found out, while we were having an argument about this letter and she was throwing things around, that my daughters friends have seen her with OM again recently. They wanted to know what she was doing with another man.
She has now ashamed both my son and my daughter. My son was the first one to discover her on d-day last year.<p>I told her in no uncertain terms last night that it is now over and she must move out.
I have tried my very best to be reasonable with her, to get her to understand the importance on NOT SEEING OM, but she has just ignored my every request, while I have done my best to treat her with kindness and consideration.<p>
I know I am, not perfect, but to be treated like this for 14 months after d-day, my every request ignored, is gtiing too much for any operson to handle.<p>She WILL NOT go to counselling, she will not listen to any advice from me and challenges me at every turn about the affair and her being in contact with OM - keeps on telling me it is oevr, but then I always find out she has been incontact with OM again.<p>The end has come.

Kevin<p>Look here:<p>http://www.growthtrac.com/marriage/romantic.shtml
http://www.growthtrac.com/articles/article_24_0917.shtml<p>Go back to the basics. : )

HIYA PEEPS,
IM NEW AT THIS, IVE BEEN MARRIED FOR OVER A YEAR AND HALF AND WE HAVE LOTS OF ARGUING ALREADY,
WE ARGUE ABOUT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING AND WHEN WE ARGUE I ALWAYS GET PHRASES LIKE "I DON'T LOVE YOU NO MORE" OR "I DON'T FANCY YOU NO MORE"<p>I KNOW I HAVENT BEEM A ANGEL BUT WHO IS. I TRY TO TALK TO HER AND SORT THINGS OUT BUT IT NEVER DOES.<p> SHE IS MY FIRST LOVE AND I AM TRYING TO GIVE HER WHAT SHE NEEDS.

AT THE MOMENT SHE WANTS TO HAVE A FLING WITH A FRIEND WE HAVE KNOWN FOR A SHORT WHILE, SHE HAS BEEN HONEST AND TOLD ME. SHE SAYS ITS BECAUSE WE DON'T DO THINGS TOGETHER BUT HOW CAN WE WHEN WE HAVE 2 KIDS NO FRIENDS TO LOOK AFTER THEM IF WE DECIDE TO GO OUT AND PARENTS WHO DON'T WANT TO HELP EITHER. SHES A DOMINANT WOMEN WHO WHEN SHE SAYS JUMP SHE EXPECTS ME TO SAY WHEN CAN I COME DOWN BUT I'M NOT LIKE THAT. I TELL HER BUT SHE DON'T WANT TO CHANGE.<p> I AM A HOUSE HUSBAND AND CLEAN COOK WASH AND LOOK AFTER MY CHILDREN, I GO OUT ONCE A WEEK TO FOOTBALL AND I AM GONE FOR ABOUT 1 - 2 HOURS, SHE MOANS BECAUSE I GO OUT AND SHE DON'T <p>I NEED HELP I NEED ADVICE MY MARRIAGE TO ME SEEMS LIKE IT IS FALLING APART AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO SHE SAYS I HAVE TO CHANGE BUT DONT KNOW HOW TO
PLEASE IF YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR ME PLEASE HELP ME

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Noggin:
<strong>My Lord Kevan,<p>I can't believe all the sh*t your W is putting you through. I must say that you are a much stronger man than I and I certainly applaud your efforts to keep a family intact which I assume is for the sake of the offspring. However, you should remember that sometimes it is best for the kids if you get a dysfunctional parent out of the house (your W fits into this category). To me she sounds like she is the sole cause of the disharmony in your family and she should shoulder the entire responsibility, not that the weak little bit*h ever will though. Yes, write the scumbag with whom your idiot W is having (had) a sexual tryst a letter and let him know just what a major problem in the morals department he has and that he should please take your psychotic W off your hands. Perhaps they will be a perfect match. I'd give her have a copy of the letter also along with a deadline for her to be out of the house and into the a**hole's arms. She is destroying your son and it is your responsibility to protect him from the damage her lack of values is doing. She does not care for you nor your son's well-being. The sooner you rid yourself of this miscreant the better. BTW, the size of your penis isn't a factor in pleasuring your wife or anyone else for that matter. From what I've read I'm surprised that you could even get it up for the bit*h. Graphically speaking, perhaps it would have been proper for you to have told her to pack some of her well-used pu**y around your penis if she didn't like the slack she felt. Ditch the evil one before she causes any further damage to you and your son.</strong><hr></blockquote>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Noggin:
<strong>My Lord Kevan,<p>I can't believe all the sh*t your W is putting you through. I must say that you are a much stronger man than I and I certainly applaud your efforts to keep a family intact which I assume is for the sake of the offspring. However, you should remember that sometimes it is best for the kids if you get a dysfunctional parent out of the house (your W fits into this category). To me she sounds like she is the sole cause of the disharmony in your family and she should shoulder the entire responsibility, not that the weak little bit*h ever will though. Yes, write the scumbag with whom your idiot W is having (had) a sexual tryst a letter and let him know just what a major problem in the morals department he has and that he should please take your psychotic W off your hands. Perhaps they will be a perfect match. I'd give her have a copy of the letter also along with a deadline for her to be out of the house and into the a**hole's arms. She is destroying your son and it is your responsibility to protect him from the damage her lack of values is doing. She does not care for you nor your son's well-being. The sooner you rid yourself of this miscreant the better. BTW, the size of your penis isn't a factor in pleasuring your wife or anyone else for that matter. From what I've read I'm surprised that you could even get it up for the bit*h. Graphically speaking, perhaps it would have been proper for you to have told her to pack some of her well-used pu**y around your penis if she didn't like the slack she felt. Ditch the evil one before she causes any further damage to you and your son.</strong><hr></blockquote>

Kevan,<p>Let me tell you something. My husband is a very well endowed man, very well endowed!! and I hate it we can't have fun or do things the way I like it because it hurts sooo bad. It really sucks I wished I could cut it off. So if you were to ask me if size matters I would say yes anthing over 5 inches hard is just unbearable and no one should have to go through with that. <p>Anyways if I were you I would try to make her laugh that always works for me when I'm in withdraw. Last time my H flashed two women in the parking lot of the grocery store and that one worked well.<p>If your not that brave try putting on a cape and some thongs, and jumping in front of the t.v.. anyways I hope this helps maybe that will at least pull her back into conflict and you can have a "meaning full" argument so that you and your W can make up.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by kevan:
<strong>I am sure you have seen my name elsewhere.<p>Ok, please all you good ladies out there.<p>I amdoing my best to please my wife who has had an affair, as you all know, with a man who is much better endowed in the sexual equiment than me.<p>I have tried everything to please her and put things right, wined, dined, loved, cleand, vacuumed, but still get treated like dirt - where am I going wrong.<p>All I want to do is love her and her love me again.<p>I have been told:<p>"There's other ways of tantalising and satisfying a woman"<p>Help me out here.........</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi Kevan,<p>Love is what you need, not performance anxiety. I think you need to move on. It's not about sex, trust me. Your W has the problem, not you. If it IS about sex, you need to find yourself another W. There is sooo much more to life than that. Don't believe what she tells you, she is being totally immature! You are fine. SHE has a problem! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Gina34:
<strong><p>Hi Kevan,<p>If it IS about sex, you need to find yourself another W. There is sooo much more to life than that. Don't believe what she tells you, she is being totally immature! You are fine. SHE has a problem! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi Gina,<p>Yes, I know you are right.<p>After 18 months of trying to tell her that I still care for her, even after what has happened and getting nothing back but resistance an dirritability from her because I keep on "checking up on her" I have finally realized it is time to move on.
One person can only try so much.<p>I was out of the country a few weeks ago. When I came home, we had a fight, and then my daughter let it out that her best friend had seen my wife and OM together while I was away.
She has now shamed my son, my daughter and well, yes, me too.
I have told her it is over and maybe if we are lucky we could still remain friends for the sake of our kids.
Can you believe she is so neurotic about her cellphone, that she takes it into the bathroom with her when she goes to shower over weekends, so that I cant fiddle with it and see who she called last?
She says she has not let me see her cellphone accounts "Out of spite" because I check up on her. If that is not resistance about being open and honest in your marriage then I really dont know.
I have become completely distant with her, which is frustrating her even more, but of course not the slightest attempt from her to get close to me - that thus tells me she doesnt really love me anymore, so I am ready to move on. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Kevan, I'm so sorry you're still going thru all this nonsense.<p>You deserve MUCH better, you know....and I have no doubt that you'll find it. You're a very caring and loving person...believe me, there's someone out there who will love and appreciate you.<p>{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I would hate to think of you going through life berating yourself for not toting around the penis of a prize stallion. Not that I enjoy sex in the least, but it is quality, not quantity, that counts. The key to great sex is definitely foreplay.

I can guarantee that men are more concerned about their size than women are. A little note of reassurance - my family doctor says that ALL penises are roughly the same size. Some are mutant beasts, but very few. <p>I used to get worked up about the size of my breasts also - I am the size and shape of an eight year old. There is nothing I can do about it unless I want to drop several grand, so I learned to adjust years ago. I'm sure I will be thankful for the "lack of" when I am seventy and don't have to tuck them in my girdle.<p>Smile and quit beating yourself up. Personally, I think it was rude of your wife to say the OM was bigger than you when she knew how concerned you were about size to begin with. <p>Remember - quality, not quantity!<p>Rollie

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Susie7753:
<strong>Kevan, I'm so sorry you're still going thru all this nonsense.<p>You deserve MUCH better, you know....and I have no doubt that you'll find it. You're a very caring and loving person...believe me, there's someone out there who will love and appreciate you.<p>{{{{{HUGS}}}}}</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thank you Susie, for the encouragement - yes, you are right, it is not the end of the world and there are many fish in the sea, and some very attractive ones too that have compassion and understanding.<p>Living with a superficial person like this who has very little sensitivity to the feelings of those around her, but expecting to be treated with care, kindness and so-called "understanding" has got out of hand.<p>I know that you have been a very special person to many on this counselling board.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Rollie:
<strong>
Smile and quit beating yourself up. Personally, I think it was rude of your wife to say the OM was bigger than you when she knew how concerned you were about size to begin with. <p>Remember - quality, not quantity!<p>Rollie</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thank you Rollie for the encouragement.<p>If it were not for the very special people on this counselling site I would have been totally lost and bewildered. There are some special people here that have seen me through some very difficult times and have assisted me with compassion.<p>I do now realize after many months, just how insensitive my so-called wife has been to our situation and the ongoing battle I have had with this affair.<p>Through the ongong support of MB I have come to realize that I am a better person than what I have been led to believe and that there is more to life than worrying about this small aspect (excuse the pun) and that there are people out there that care and see beyond these silly little things.<p>Things have changed rdastically in out household over the last few weeks after finding out that, after 18 months she is still in contact with OM - she is now no more than a mother to my children as far as I am concerned - sad to say - the woman I once loved has now become despicable in my eyes, and even now, with my resistance, and refusal to molly-coddle her, there stiil has been no intimacy or tenderness from her.
This tells me one thing - she has other interests, or is so selfish that she is still expecting me to be the forthcoming and "loving" one in our relationship.
I actually think that I do not like her anymore.

Kevan,<p>My heart goes out to you, mate. I've been in a similar situation like yours, and I fully appreciate the difficulties of balancing one's desire to begin a "recovery" and the WS's need for space & understanding.<p>Do NOT accept advice from those who will crucify your WS wife, and call you an ANGEL. In your heart you know that this is not true. Good advice, or a good sympathetic ear is so darned hard to find, isn't it?
Two things:
1) Plan A does NOT mean making yourself a doormat
2) Plan A is ONLY recommended under certain conditions...e.g., if she still has contact with OM, or refuses to commit, Plan A is NOT for you. This does not mean that there is no hope. It also does not mean that you need to be "nasty" to her in order to maintain Plan B.<p>The best advice I ever received was in a book called STOP YOUR DIVORCE! If you give me your e-mail adress, I'll send it to you.<p>What you need to do IMMEDIATELY, is give your wife some room, and not pester her AT ALL about what she wants to do as far as marriage to you goes. i.e., try your best to pretend that the A did not happen, and indulge in ordinary, small-talk, and happy talk. BE HAPPY. This will put additional strain on you, and takes a lot of strength to do. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. Be the person that you know she wants to be with. Do something FUN with her or the kids. Arrange an outing, and invite her as an option, to join in your fun. Have a good time without her, if she chooses not to go along. Relate stories of how great it was.<p>If she's withdrawn, or depressed, leave her alone and go out with the boys, or the movies, or something. Pretend you're perfectly OK with her being uncommunicative. Tell her you're sorry for being so inconsiderate by pestering her constantly for an answer this way or that, and that you'll stop. KEEP YOUR WORD. Don't overdo the apology. A simple sorry is enough. She'll appreciate it.<p>Share a good joke you've heard at work with her. Organise your week-ends so all your time is occupied. After at least 3 or 4 weeks have passed, ( of the new you), casually ask her out, under some pretense of needing company, or something you KNOW she's interested in. If she says NO, no big deal. Act like you don't care.<p>If she says something, always agree with her, no matter what it costs you. If she accuses you of something, apologise unconditionally, and promise not to again. Get the idea?<p>Adultery is a mess. Divorce is worse. It all sucks. All of us are human and fail.<p>You may lay down your jacket for her to avoid stepping in mud, but the moment you consider laying down yourself, to make her step more cushy, you're in trouble, pal. When you do this, you start resenting her for the sacrifice to your pride & self-respect. This spells DOOM. Pretty soon even if she begs you, you won't want to take the risk of taking her back, since you've belittled yourself so much.<p>Read the book.<p>My e-mail: muzohead@hotmail.com<p>Long story, I know. Think about it.<p>Muzohead<p>[ November 20, 2001: Message edited by: muzohead ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by muzohead:
<strong>Kevan,<p>Adultery is a mess. Divorce is worse. It all sucks. All of us are human and fail.<p>You may lay down your jacket for her to avoid stepping in mud, but the moment you consider laying down yourself, to make her step more cushy, you're in trouble, pal. When you do this, you start resenting her for the sacrifice to your pride & self-respect. This spells DOOM. Pretty soon even if she begs you, you won't want to take the risk of taking her back, since you've belittled yourself so much.<p>Read the book.<p>My e-mail: muzohead@hotmail.com<p>Long story, I know. Think about it.<p>Muzohead<p>[ November 20, 2001: Message edited by: muzohead ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>So, you are now saying to me that after 18 mohths of trying practically everything in the book, still having to face that she does not see reason why she should get rid of OM completely, I should STILL humble myself and try for another 6 months?<p>Before you answer this - can you please confirm with me that you have read ALL my postings on MB, not just this one - go have a look under Divorcing/Divorced "My wife had an affair - I dont want to lose her" - about the longest thread of them all.<p>If you have done this, then please come back and tell me that you still want to give me the same advice? Yes, I may sound bitter right now but I would like your true view then....

Kevan,<p>I have in fact read your previous posts, most of them, including the LOOOOOOOONG ones. Phew! What stamina and endurance!<p>Look, buddy, I meant it when I said that my situation had been SOOOOO similar to yours, right down to the kinds of exchanges between you & your W, the hurtful disrespect, the anger, .......<p>Point is, I agree with GnomeDePlume, when he offered some constructive criticism on your behaviour, as hurtful as it may be to hear. NOBODY on this board is trying to say that your W has a good case, or that you have to suffer her abuses, or anything bad about you at all! If you are really serious about getting a different result, TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT! What do you have to lose? I implore you, let me e-mail the book to you (for starters).<p>Now, as for your comment," do I still have to suffer any more after 18months of ...."...or words to that effect...
..EMPHATIC NO!<p>To clear up a few things...
PLAN A does NOT mean that you allow her to walk all over you, while you smile and "play nice".
PLan B does not entail "trying agin", it means embarking on a different route to achieve the desired result.<p>I've seen too many people on these forums encouraging BS' to PLAN A till they're blue in the face, in the face of scandalous behaviour by WS, including refusal to break contact with OM. This is a NO-NO! The fact that you choose to adopt Plan B, does not mean that you are preparing for divorce, it means that you show clearly that you will not be prepared to accept just anything form your WS W, this prevents her from "having her cake & eating it", and makes her respect you for standing up to her. (you don't have to be nasty, just firm). Reading & re-reading your posts, all I can see is someone who is prepared to compromise his own dignity & self-respect, in the name of "love". Respect yourself, by not allowing her to crush your pride, and she will respect you. The constant "caving in" to her sometimes atrocious behaviour, feeds her disrespect for you. She hates herself for the A, and she demands you display SOME intolerance. How can she cling to and depend on a man she now perceives as a wimp? She has probably replayed in her head what HER reaction would have been had YOU been the WS. Do not let what you have suffered through in the past, and what you have failed at to influence your behaviour in response to her infidelity, as if you excuse it, since you know you fell short of glory not so long ago. She's still THERE, isn't she? Isn't she waiting for the MAN inside you to emerge? She's dying for strength of character and direction, since she has none at the moment.<p>None of what I write here discounts AT ALL what you have been through, and what you have suffered. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that others have suffered similarly, you tend to imagine that your own pain cannot compare to anyone else's. Please listen to what those who have "been there" have to say. Some of what we share with you, we have learnt at cost to ourselves. At least consider it seriously.<p>Let me give you an example:
"I want to fix what I have done wrong, I buyher flowers regularly, send her love-cards often, take her out over the weekends to the pub, restaurants etc. Stay at home and do the ironing and washing over weekends while she spends most of the day at the shops and malls. I wake her up with a cup of coffee every day. I tell her more than once every day that I love and appreciate her, I compliment her regularly on how lovely and attractive she looks, I do not complain when she buys herself new clothes (she averages about 2 clothing articles per week) I turn the bedclothes down for her every night before bedtime and make sure she has something light to drink at bedtime, so she can take her birth-control pills (I have had a vasectomy by the way, but she is on the pill for menstrual regulation problems - guess it makes it handy too when you have had or are having sex with another person). I sleep downstairs on the sofa as my snoring keeps her awake and she is a very light sleeper "
...you posted this.
This could easily have been EXACTLY what I could say about some stage in our M.<p>In fact, most of what you have posted is like a mirror of what my situation was. Just one thing also I picked up while reading:
"When I am happy then she seems ok. As soon as I want to talk to her about us, she gets mad."
...so, why don't you try LISTENING to her, and do what achieves the desired result? Neediness is TERRIBLY UNATTRACTIVE, my friend, I've been there. You can try to justify it any way you like, the snooping, the inqusitiveness, the pressure to commit to the marriage, to dissect what happened.......but it's just plain NEEDINESS. You've ALREADY decided that you WANT her, so just ACCEPT, and ACT like you WANT her, and any unanswered questions you may or may not have, will be answered as the 2 of you begin the intimate process of sharing again.<p>About the OM....
If she's still seeing OM, you should do one or all of the following:
MOVE OUT
START DATING
ACT HAPPY
LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE
ATTRACT HER BY YOUR ACTIONS<p>You may or may not feel good or right about moving out. You decide.<p>About the privacy/bathroom thing:
It's her own shame that forces her to behave this way. She probably thinks that if she is that intimate with OM, then doing it with you as well, is immoral.
Body Hair.
More shame, visible evidence of her guilt.<p>These are HER issues, not yours. Try to UNDERSTAND. She will have to come to terms with this. Why don't you let off some pressure by suggesting a code, or some kind of signaling that will prevent this kind of exposure/interaction? This will be greatly appreciated by her. TELL her you understand that it's awkward, and work around it.<p>You Posted this:
"I told my wife on Sunday night that I love her more than she realises, but cannot take it anymore, she is just breaking my heart and that I am breaking up inside. She seemed a bit taken aback by this. She did actually look like she was feeling sorry."<p>Good result, observe what you did: you just communicated openly & honestly with her.<p>Unfortunately, I do not have enough time on my hands, now, or I could go on forever..<p>Please, post you email, OK?
READ THE BOOK!
Your story could be mine.<p>Muzohead<p>I sense that your W is STILL reaching out to you..she says:
" muzohead@hotmail.commuzohead@hotmail.com

Hi Kevin, I think if your w made a gear size comment, it may or may not be true. Size does not matter... it might feel good, but there are lots of other things that feel good too. <p>I just wanted to add to your list of female opinions... I know males and females typically see sex very differently.<p>I see it as an extention of closeness, a becoming of one together. A true love bond thing. I cannot have really good sex without being at the right emotional level. I once was with my H, lately no... and I will admit even while seperated we had some pretty good sex, but I have stopped it for now... since my EM's are not being met by my husband. <p>He benefits physically way more than me... I needed all the talking, holding, loving supportiveness, etc. that I used to get in our relationship ... In fact a while back in our marriage.. many yrs back when I was younger... I8 could not even have bim touch me... unless things were right emotionally between us... but... things changed... b/c I had so much anger at my H and wanted the marriage to work... I got to a place where I decided I could enjoy sex, even if we weren't in the right place together emotionally... that may have been bad.. but I guess at many times the good sex kept us close throughout the storms... my H is an alcoholic so there have been lots of abusive nights verbally when he was drinking, yrs of me fighting with him during and about the drinking... not enough money, and all those sorts of terrible problems that go with a heavy drinker.. <p>I guess on one hand I can advise sex even when all em's aren't met b/c sex makes you close and for men, I know the sex , physically is even a bigger need than for many women--- so obviously you are more concerned...<p>I go with some of the advice I saw in some other responses.. that for right now your W may be in withdrawl- I unfortunately have to face this with my H.<p>He is no longer seeing the OW, but he doesn't express a real desire for affection from me , etc. right now... he is very cool towards me... and in fact wants very much to blame me for all the problems and even say it was my fault he left and the OW was not part of what was wrong here... she was just a symptom of our bad marriage.. I as a BS do not buy that. I own up to what I could do better, and what I did do wrong.. but not that the whole affair did not matter... or is not part of the current troubles between us....<p>Anyway.. give her love, but don't pressure her... don't smother her... WOmen love romantic dinners, love notes, how about a poem... even a love song... if you can't sing or play an instrument.. write her one... cook her dinner... all those other things that make a woman feel special.. How about a little lingerie as a gift..? Or even cologne, earrings, etc. Make her feel pretty and sexy... remember what you did that got her to be in love with you in the beginning when you married and do it again...<p>Do not pressure her.<p>Good luck, all in all I am saying I do not think size is what matters to women... but I do not know your wife... but I think any comment if she made one... may have just been a mean jab... which during reconciliation.. things are often more difficult than during seperation... as wounds are opened and aired in search for recovery. <p>Are you or your W getting counciling to make it through this rough time, if you aren't I recommend it.. together or seperate.. I think help to make it through the rough days of recovery is always good.<p>Take care, Lisa [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by honey:
<strong>I go with some of the advice I saw in some other responses.. that for right now your W may be in withdrawal- I unfortunately have to face this with my H.<p>
Anyway.. give her love, but don't pressure her... don't smother her... WOmen love romantic dinners, love notes, how about a poem... even a love song... if you can't sing or play an instrument.. write her one... cook her dinner... all those other things that make a woman feel special.. How about a little lingerie as a gift..? Or even cologne, earrings, etc. Make her feel pretty and sexy... remember what you did that got her to be in love with you in the beginning when you married and do it again...<p>Are you or your W getting counciling to make it through this rough time, if you aren't I recommend it.. together or seperate.. I think help to make it through the rough days of recovery is always good.<p>Take care, Lisa [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Withdrawal
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
for 18 months after D-day - she is just being damn selfish.<p>Give her love etc. etc. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Read my story - hell I have given her love in every way possible over the last 18 months. Gifts, dinners, lingerie, poems, cards, love-songs, what did I get for it? As soon as my back was turned and I was out of the country - she goes and meets the OM [censored] at our favorite weekend spot AND my daughters best friend sees them. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Counselling: [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I have been for counselling. She got mad about it - doesnt want ANYONE to know what she has done - has told me counselling is a load of c**p and doesnt believe in it.<p>Sorry, this is one bent-up lady and I dont think I like her anymore.<p>Hell, she has thrown enough tantrums, broken crockery, broken furniture, threatened to OD on sleeping pills - I had to drag her out of the bathroom and get my kids to help me get them away from her.<p>She has gone much too far this time.

Kevan: Did you or any of you out there see the TV show last night "Once and Again"? The characters are Lily and Rick and they hit the bedroom boredom, insecurity conflict right on the head. And this IS THE ANSWER.....What a woman wants is the same thing that a man wants, she wants you to have that LOOK of confidence that says "I am gonna rock your world." Tell me it isn't what you want. If she came to you like she was full of sexual energy and wasn't gonna take no for an answer, like she was gonna use you and abuse you like a blow up doll, tell me that you wouldn't respond to that. CONFIDENCE that you are a sexual god. That is all the EQUIPMENT you need.

Suggestion for Kevan<p>Try typing up a list of things you wouldn't object to and put them in a coupon book form.
She hands you coupon and you follow through<p>Some suggestions are (if possible)<p>You kiss her 100 times through the day<p>Discuss one fantasy you would never go through with. <p>You do housework in the nude<p>She does housework in the nude<p>Let your imagination be your guide.. as long as you are comfortable with it.<p>Then give her the coupon book with instructions for her to use whenever she wants. <p>Put the impetus on her and see which ones she runs with. This takes the pressure you feel off you and puts it onto her. <p>It sounds like her problem let her work on the solution too.

Kevan;Basically, I just wanted to know why you are hanging in there.....I don't want the ""For the kids" or the "I love her" answer...I want to know what is in this for you....why are You still holding out?<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: freddyb ]<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: freddyb ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by freddyb:
<strong>Kevan;Basically, I just wanted to know why you are hanging in there.....I don't want the ""For the kids" or the "I love her" answer...I want to know what is in this for you....why are You still holding out?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Why - that is a very good question....<p>Hoping, maybe, for a resolution?<p>Yes, whether you may discount it or not I AM HOLDING IN THERE for my kids - they have been through so much trauma with this already, they are both writing exams at present.<p>If I leave - she will throw it at me that even though I have put my kids first, I would now be walking out on them.<p>This also is my home, I also work hard in it.<p>This may sound very coarse - but whether she goes or whether she styas I will continue my life as I see fit AND NO LONGER UNDER HER CONTROL.<p>Yes, we had another fight last night - the end result - I was told that I am selfish, insensitive, uncaring, selfcentered, do not think about her feelings - AND THAT EVERYTHING BEHIND IT ALL IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE BACK TO SOUTH AFRICA WITH HER.

If you truly feel this way, then put your kids first and put yourself first...from the tone of your previous posts.....and yes, I have read them all.....the only person that sounds selfish is her.<p>You have held out this long and all it is bringing you is this pain.....I don't know if I would be that strong.....

Look, Kevin -<p>I feel for you and the situation with your wife.<p>Let me make a single suggestions - get some counseling... If your wife doesn't like the idea of counseling, approach it as mediation. I'd suggest that you say to her, "what's the worst that can happen? It won't work.. The best that can happen is that something changes!"<p>For whatever reason, you guys are not able to get past the hole that you're in currently. I'm not saying it's your fault or her fault - I'm just saying that this is the point where you are at.<p>With a 3rd party, your wife is less likely to fly off the handle emotionally. The 3rd party is also able to help your wife (and you) cope with the issues that are destroying your relationship.<p>Please give it a try. If you can't afford it, or don't have insurance to cover it - try approaching any local church (I'd suggest them more liberal non-denominational factions) - Most of them will be willing to try and help you for free.<p>
My wife and I have issues regarding the frequency and amount of sex we have. This forum has brought to my attention that I'm in pretty good shape compared to many, but I recognize the issues it causes (as a male) to be without for any significant lenght of time...<p>-D

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Darin in Austin:
<strong>Look, Kevin -<p>I feel for you and the situation with your wife.<p>Let me make a single suggestions - get some counseling...
-D</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks.<p>Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Wife not interested in the least, says she doesnt see why she should discuss her private matters with a stranger, and how I have the cheek to go tattle-tailing to everyone in sundry about what has happened in our marriage.<p>She says she has never agreed with the professions of counselling and psychiatrists.<p>Thanks anyhow.

This will be my last post here....I was up all nite on an issue related to my W and I and not having anything to do, I looked through these posts again....<p>It all boils down to this...<p>Everything that everyone here has offered to you, you have an excuse as to why it won't work, why it CAN'T work...<p>I ask again...Why are you hanging on? What is the purpose? Take your kids and get away from this insane influence..you speak wanting to spare the kids and not be selfish...well if it is your house and you paid for it then kick her little butt out and assert yourself in your life and protect yourself and your kids so you can go on and LIVE your life....<p>You can not be helped if you refuse all the help that is offered and some of this is really good...I am going to try and use it for me...<p>I wish you well, and peace and I hope you find your happiness eventually...<p>God Speed

I agree with FreddyB - If this woman doesn't want to help with the situation, then you've really got no choice but to move on without her.<p>You could try approaching asking her - what's better: To continue living in this situation which you both really dislike or discuss your "personal" lives with a stranger?<p>I'm not a big fan of psychotherapists either.. I grew up with a father who had a PhD in child psyc, but it still took him 20 years to become a reasonable father. I'm an engineer... If you want, you can have your wife email me and ask me about how counseling has improved my marriage... My email address is listed...<p>-d

K:

It isn't what is between your hips that is affecting your love life, but rather what is between her ribs.

A woman that is in love with and excited by being around a man can be very excited without even touching.

That said, it sounds like you are making a solid effort. Do you a point at which you will decide if you have had enough?