This is kind of an unusual topic, but I really need help. My marriage is coming apart at the seams. Here's the basic background information: My husband and I have been married for 23 years, and we have two children, ages 18 (in college) and 9. We have not made love in 8 months and have been sleeping apart for 18 months. (That last happened because I have some sleep problems--twitching legs and snoring--that weren't resolved after dr. visits and a visit to a sleep center.) Sex stopped when my husband told me he wasn't sure he loved me any more. He's very frustrated with me because I'm so forgetful and disorganized. I recently discovered I may have ADD. But none of that is the problem. It's just background.<P>Last week, he finally agreed to go to a marriage counselor, but under several conditions, the first being that we had to agree in advance on what topics could and could not be raised during counseling. There are topics I feel are important to raise but that he does not want raised under any circumstances. Here they are:<P>1) He has needed me to dress provocatively for sex since shortly after we were married. This means sexy lingerie, some of which I find uncomfortable, topped by dressy clothes, high heels, lots of makeup, etc. If I didn't dress up, he was still willing, but sex was perfunctory. He's kind of a control freak, and he's also pretty critical. I must add that he was very appreciative of my dressing up for him. It made me feel, though, that I wasn't attractive on my own. I should add that all this clothing had to stay on me for the entire time we made love. Definitely not a good thing for me!<P>2) Four years ago, he confessed to me that he is a transvestite. It was a very hard thing for him to tell me, but it really did bring us closer together. It was an enormous shock--I almost passed out--but I love him, the real, essential him, so I learned a lot about this condition. I know many people consider this sick or even wrong. It's been difficult for me to deal with this, but I know that my husband didn't choose to be this way. He is not gay. He is a typically macho guy, into sports, fishing, hunting, etc.<P>The reason I'd like to bring up these topics in counseling is that a) I think they're related somehow and b) I feel like I have accepted him at a much deeper level, and that he's not really accepting of me. These seem like BIG things to hand off to me, and yet he has a hard time handling my forgetfulness (which IS a huge inconvenience at times).<P>How do we resolve what's okay to talk about?<BR>Are we being realistic in trying to fix this?<BR>How do we resolve the dress-for-sex issue if we don't bring it up in counseling? (The Joint Agreement Policy doesn't work because we each need different things.)<BR>Finally, if we can't work this out, when does our need to live separately take precedence over our kids' needs (esp. the 9 yr. old) to have us all together. We'd do anything for our kids.<P>I'd really appreciate help with this. Please don't post a message if you just want to bash transvestites. It's no help at all to me if you do that. Bless you all!

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 07:51 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thanks so much for the insight! You're right about the "deep, dark secret" aspect of it. I'm not anxious to bring it up, myself (He has actually confided in several people since he told me; I have confided in no one until this forum.), but it seems to me so much a part of our problems in terms of the giver-taker stuff that I'm wondering it if avoiding it will be possible, or if so, if it wouldn't be that elephant in the corner.<P>The peri-menopausal theory is very intriguing to me. I am 44, so age-wise, I sure could be. On the other hand, I don't think I have any other signs. Your reply has led me to decide to make an appointment with a gynecologist. Thanks!<P>I have tried calcium for the leg movements, as well as potassium and magnesium. I have also been on two kinds of Rx medication but quit taking them after two years and six months, respectively, because they weren't helping at all. <P>My husband and I have tried the alternating dress-up "dates". When we have had the no-dress dates, he is so obviously less enthusiastic that I feel guilty. I didn't feel like we were close emotionally when it was a "no-dress" night, and I certainly didn't feel like he found me very attractive. <P>One more thing: I have been forgetful for the entire 23 years we've been married, though it's been worse the past couple of years. I have tried and tried to be more organized and focused; it's really been a constant effort. My husband thinks I could probably control my forgetfulness if I really tried, despite the fact I've been tentatively diagnosed as being ADD. He sees my forgetfulness and lack of focus as possibly being self-centered. It's very hard for him.<P>Thanks again for your help!

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Good advice! I will follow through. I'm sure Dr. Harley would agree about sharing the bed again, but I'm still unsure. First, the reason I left the bed in the first place was because I felt so terrible about keeping him awake so much. Between my leg twitches (including kicking) and the snoring, he was miserable and getting little sleep. That's why I went to doctors and the sleep center. I still hope to find remedies for both problems someday. In the meantime, should I go back to bed even though it would mean a long, sleepless night for himor would that be a sure-fire LB?<P>The other problem is my pride. Knowing that he doesn't love me like he used to and isn't attracted to me any more makes it hard for me to share the same bed. It seems kind of like crashing the birthday party.<P>Thanks again for the good, caring advice. I really appreciate it!

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 07:53 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

He told me last August that he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. For the previous 18 months or so, he hadn't been touching me in affection: no hugs, no kisses, no pats. That was a pretty dramatic change in behavior for him. Every now and then I'd ask him about it, but he always claimed nothing was wrong. I continued to show affection to him, give him back and foot massages, just any little touches that showed him I cared. His response was minimal, at best. A year and some months is a long time to persevere with no real response--and then last August he told me his feelings had changed.<P>He has also said that he isn't really attracted to me. He hopes to re-gain the attraction and the love someday. If he doesn't, he says, he'll be fine because he has learned to rely on and be compeletely happy with himself. He says he has come to the point where he doesn't really need other people now. He does seem calmer and happier than he used to.<P>Am I rambling? If so, sorry!<P>Thanks, Honora! Your concern and advice are good medicine.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 07:55 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

You're absolutely right, Honora! I recently started wearing eye make-up again (I had to stop for a long time because of major eye surgery I had last summer.) and am trying new shades and varieties. I'm doing this for me, not to try to attract him, but it's giving me self-confidence, which I think is pretty attractive.<BR>I'm going to take your advice and look into activities I can participate in.<P>We're still at an impasse about counseling and OK topics, but I'm feeling more confident about myself. Thanks much!<BR>

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Just a though........have you consisdered sex therapy?

Belle,<P>You mention the ADD. I know how it can wear on a family... it runs in my family. I grew up with it since my mom is ADD and two of my brothers are. My husband, his son (age 13) and my son (age 12) all have it. It can wear on a person. Have you ever saught treatment for it. My husband, 47, has just started treatment. We are already seeing improvements.<P>Have you ever tried treatment for it? <P>Just wondering.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Are you certain he is not having an affair? A friend of mine described the same sort of feelings with her husband, except vice versa...she lost interest in sex... did not want him touching her...was happy with herself and independent...it turned out she was having an affair. She was getting her happiness and independence elsewhere. <BR>As far as counseling goes... I have been there myself and it was immensely helpful. You have to pledge to be 100% with the therapist, though, and tell him/her everything that may be contributing to your dilemmas/problems. If you don't, how is that therapist going to help you? He/she needs to get the whole picture. <P>The behaviors you describe with your husband, especially the ones where he likes you to dress in lingere, are relatively normal... Men like visual stimulation... I agree with the previous reply, though... try to come to some sort of agreement about this part of your relationship...a counselor/therapist can help you with your negotiating tools and help you come to some sort of agreement that suits you both.<P>The fact that he is a transvestite is probably more normal than we all think... I know it's a "deep, dark secret" but what you have to remember is that these counselors/therapists have literally seen it all...they should be able to handle your secrets and confidences with the utmost discretion. And be non judgemental on top of it all. <P>Give it a try. And don't blame yourself. Just remember that HONESTY is IMPERATIVE if counseling is going to be of any benefit at all. I dont want you to become discouraged with counseling, and you probably will if you are going to lengths to hide the very things that may be causing some of your problems in the first place. <P>Good Luck. :-)

Belle: <P>Just a few points to consider from a male perspective. <P>We men & women truly think differently (IMO). We men are often very twisted about Sex. Sex is more a physical act for us than emotional, and we are obsessive about meeting our sex needs. <P>Your husband's admission about being a transvestite was probably the hardest and most humiliating thing he has ever done. He's probably deeply ashamed. He probably also regrets having told you about it because you are revolted and take it as a personal insult. And, you probably treat him differently because of it. <P>Think about this: being a transvestite - who does it harm? Personally, for me it's wierd, but, most of us men (incl. myself) do have our own individual weird sexual fantasies. But, most of us men don't ever let on because we know our loved one would NEVER truly understand. <P>Same goes for the slutty dressing up. It's all fantasy for him. As hard as this may seem for most women to believe, I don't believe he loses respect or love for you when you "accomodate" his weird sex drive. In fact, the opposite would be true (IMO). <P>Bottom line: he probably feels betrayed and humiliated re: your attitude about the slutty dressing-up and the transvestite admission. He feels he can't help this weird fantasy. He doesn't think he can trust you to keep it a secret, which probably scares the hell out of him. It would for most men. <P>Keith

Belle <P>Just a note here...I too suffer from "restless leg syndrome" or Noctural Nervosa. I inherited it from my mother, who is now on a medication for Parkinson's Disease for it...which is helping her greatly. You may want to ask your doc. I'm planning on asking mine. It's a really yucky thing this leg twitching. Also, good for you for hanging in there with your H. Most women wouldn't have been understanding enought to deal with it. Hope he can come to understand what a wonderful woman he has.<P>allison