I was married less that a week ago. My husband and I are in our late 30s and have known each other 6 years, dated for 9 months. We spent a lot of time with our pastor getting premarital counselling and scored in the top 5% on our pastor's compatibility test which is a well known national test. Husband's been married before, I haven't although I've had two longterm live-in relationships. No kids on either side.<P>Our wedding day was lovely, although I had huge problems with his mother both before and after. She stated she was not going to put up a single dollar for this event, but then insisted it be run exactly according to her wishes. Our big mistake was doing the event in his home town to accommodate his very large family and because the area is quite beautiful. I was in favor of this decision because I didn't even think to anticipate a problem with the families. <P>When I became very upset that his family didn't want to allow anyone to make a toast or speeches at my wedding, that we were asked to cover everything right down to his father's tux rental and kennel costs for the dogs for 3 days, as well as paying hundreds of dollars for flowers I didn't want, my husband took his family's side. I am so shocked this has happened and feel his family is despicable - I never want to see them again. Of course my family is devastated for me, and debated telling me not to proceed on the day before the wedding after they observed all this happening. They feel he doesn't make me his priority, and doesn't deserve me. My sister has stated she'll never speak to either of us again based on how much this situation has upset my parents who are in their 70s and getting frail. <P>I asked him to not mail in the marriage certificate until we had a chance to resolve all this between us, and this has upset him very much also. I am torn as to how we proceed - part of me feels I should back out now and call it a mistake, another part feels I should proceed as I made a serious commitment after a lot of thought and consideration. Whenever we try to discuss his parents or their behavior, he gets very angry and defensive. I fear this bodes very badly for the future and need any suggestions I can get please.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BeachGal:<BR><B>I was married less that a week ago. My husband and I are in our late 30s and have known each other 6 years, dated for 9 months. We spent a lot of time with our pastor getting premarital counselling and scored in the top 5% on our pastor's compatibility test which is a well known national test. Husband's been married before, I haven't although I've had two longterm live-in relationships. No kids on either side.<P>Our wedding day was lovely, although I had huge problems with his mother both before and after. She stated she was not going to put up a single dollar for this event, but then insisted it be run exactly according to her wishes. Our big mistake was doing the event in his home town to accommodate his very large family and because the area is quite beautiful. I was in favor of this decision because I didn't even think to anticipate a problem with the families. <P>When I became very upset that his family didn't want to allow anyone to make a toast or speeches at my wedding, that we were asked to cover everything right down to his father's tux rental and kennel costs for the dogs for 3 days, as well as paying hundreds of dollars for flowers I didn't want, my husband took his family's side. I am so shocked this has happened and feel his family is despicable - I never want to see them again. Of course my family is devastated for me, and debated telling me not to proceed on the day before the wedding after they observed all this happening. They feel he doesn't make me his priority, and doesn't deserve me. My sister has stated she'll never speak to either of us again based on how much this situation has upset my parents who are in their 70s and getting frail. <P>I asked him to not mail in the marriage certificate until we had a chance to resolve all this between us, and this has upset him very much also. I am torn as to how we proceed - part of me feels I should back out now and call it a mistake, another part feels I should proceed as I made a serious commitment after a lot of thought and consideration. Whenever we try to discuss his parents or their behavior, he gets very angry and defensive. I fear this bodes very badly for the future and need any suggestions I can get please. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Cassandra:<BR><B> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi...I have been married 5 years this week and been with my husband 10...since the week I came into the family...it has been nothing but a control battle with his inlaws as well as the sister inlaws...at my wedding we asked his sisters to stand up and when the went to the bridal store to try on the dresses...the refused...saying the didn't like them...(later that year this dress was picked as one of the top ten for the bridal show...)....when the children came it got even worse<P>I am continually being told by them what I am doing wrong with my children...<P>I could never have not married my husband..as I love him very dearly...he also stands by me in all my battles with his family...what I had to learn and it is a struggle is to realize I married him not his family.<P>We use to see them very often ...now it is on holidays...<BR>You can't choose your family...you can choose how much time you spend with them...your husband needs to stand by you..you are his immediate family now. <P>

Dear Beachgal,<P>I'm going to suggest some things, but I don't know if you'll feel strong enough to do them, with your marriage being so new . . but you've already impressed me by telling your H not to mail in the marriage certificate until you reslove these things.<P>First of all, high stress days, like weddings, bring out the best in some people and the worst in others. I find it's best not to judge people based on wedding day behavior . . but, that being said, those days also do allow some to show their true colors.<P>My in-laws have made my life very miserable for 16 years now. I can't even begin to fathom how much better my life and marriage could have been without them. To give you some idea as to the type of people I'm talking about. . .my Dad died (unexpectedly) within a month of our wedding. We had move far away by then. We flew back to bury my Dad and comfort my Mom and my in-laws truly looked at our trip back (they live in the same town as my Mom)as a little "mini-vacation" we were taking to be back and hang out with them. They resented me spending time with my mother and looking after her business during this time . .but the absolute topper came at the wake as they closed the coffin on my dad. My Mom began to break down and weep ( hard to understand, huh?) and later as I drove back to my in-laws home (Yes, they insisted I sleep at their home as opposed to being with my mom) my mother-in-law called my mom an "actress" for how she cried. I made them stop and let me out of the car. I walked to my mom's home and described how I had to get back to my life and job after the funeral, and my Mom, even in her pain, saw how I had to get away from these toxic people. My W DID NOT come to me that night, but early the next morning, a taxi pulled up to my mom's house and my W got out with all of our luggage. I could tell by her eyes she had been through hell that night where her folks were basically making her choose between them or me. She choose me, and that's why we're still married 16 years later. But the story she told me of what they put her through that night convinces me that they are among the most evil people walking the earth later. This story is one of the worst but I have many more that compare.<P>What's odd is that we still talk to these people and they're still involved in our (and our children's) lives. I can only chalk it up to psychosis that these people can say and do the nastiest, most hateful things in one day, and then expect you to have lunch with them the next. While I deeply love my W, I'm frightened that she comes from their gene-pool are was exposed to their form of child-rearing. I'm especially frightened because (gradually over 16 years) I've begun to see similar traits in my W. (E.G. She'll whip out the nuclear bombs for an argument with me and then expect everything to be okie-dokie the next day!)<P>One of the biggest sources of hurt for me, and hopefully not for you, is the failure of my W to "stand-up" to her parents when they demonstrate unacceptable behavior. Most of this behavior is aimed at me. . .and I truly believe it is the spouse's of immediate family doing the transgression (son, daughter, brother, sister)responsibility to "reign-in" the offending family member. We can even cut our spouses some slack to say that maybe, just maybe, they might not recognize the offending behavior right away, but once, we, as they offended spouse, points it out to our H/W, it's their DUTY to shut down their family member. It's our job not to have ultra- thin skins, but there is an acceptable level of behavior, below which we shouldn't be exposed to from our spouses family.<P>My W gives me the green light to "go off" on her mom and dad (and I have on occasion), but my stance is that that isn't my role. . . it's hers. It hurts me (and she knows that it does) that she doesn't accept that responsibility.<P>At this stage in your marriage, you can spare yourself SOOOOOOOOOO much grief if you get those points across to your H. You MUST sit down with him, hold his hands, look him in the eye, and let him know that you, as his wife, WILL NEVER take a back seat to his family . . .never, ever, ever!<BR>(As I assume you are not ultr-thinned skinned and you are a rational person . . .) when you are offended by them, the offense is REAL and he must deal with it promptly and firmly. It is the ONLY way people who are not prone to decent behavior (as in the case of my in-laws) will treat you with the respect you deserve.<P>I wish you the best of luck!!<P>WH

I feel that your in-laws are choking your marriage and you and he must decide to back out for a while there<P>Keep at home and just have quiet time with each other and the family<P>He must help you to try and shut them out as much as possible<P>She is acting like the queen of England ruling your lives<BR>and you do not need it<P>You are being totally smothered by her expectations<P>I have been there<P>There is nothing so sweet as the smell of no-in law<BR>air in your house and your life<P>Get away from them as soon as possible<P>Try not even to talk about them because you and he have let them too much in your lives <P>You are married to each other not to them<P>I know what you are going through<P>Get yourselves another pastor if this one is not helping<P>But get professional marriage counselling soon<P>Carol<BR>kidnpuppetshow@yahoo.com<BR>

Hi - If I were you I would back out. Sometimes love is not putting each other through twenty years of heartache just to have it all fall apart in the end anyway. If you feel that you will never get control of the situation - leave now! Just imagine going through twenty years of this and then he walks out on you for someone his mother would like.<P>Just an opinion - I've seen this kind of situation before.<P>I'm writing a book based upon a true and personal story, which can be found at <A HREF="http://www.shesalwaysawoman.com/B/Chapter002.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.shesalwaysawoman.com/B/Chapter002.htm</A> . Later in the story there is conflict with the in-laws - but not in the chapter posted.<P>The characters are typed. Holly is an ESTP. Tom is an ISTP. Hope is an INFJ.<P>There is plenty of very real conflict in the story - and I would like to know how other people relate to it.<P>Here is a small excerpt.<P>-----<P>Holly didn’t have much on which to pin her suspicion that Tom wasn't good to her sister. For the most part she just didn’t like the way Tom spoke to Hope and she never had. The tone Tom always took with Hope was that of a stern adult speaking to a child who could never do anything right. That Hope put up with this at all always amazed Holly first because Hope was far from a child, and second, growing up Hope could stand up to anyone who tried to push her around. Holly couldn’t understand why her sister didn’t just put Tom in his place and tell him to quit talking to her like she was an idiot.

Hi Beachgal,<BR>You have received alot of good advice here and some not so good! You have to remember who you married here (Your H, NOT his parents) If they have walked over you and intruded in your marriage it is because YOU allowed them to! Should you end your marriage because of his parents? Absolutely not! You need to worry about yourself and your H now and not let their opinions/behaviors affect you so much. It will be hard but it is possible! I would also suggest going to a counselor with your H to work out his feelings of attachment with his family. This will give you neutral ground to speak on a very sensitive issue. You can overcome this. If you are already wanting out of the marriage this early then it is a strong possibility that you weren't ready in the first place! You said that you had problems with his mother before the marriage, what made you think it would be any different after? Let it all roll off your back!! <BR>June<BR>