this is my first time posting.<P>i am currently dealing with the decision to seperate or to stay in my marriage. i have been married for 5 years with a 4 year old child. my spouse and i have had many ups and downs like any other marriage. my spouse has had many tragedies in her life that she has not fully dealt with and has surfaced and come to a head over the past few years. instead of turning to me my spouse has attempted to deal with them by shrugging off responsibilities and in turn hurt me. to sum it up quickly, my spouse has found a lot of time for friends, left me at home to tend to bills, family matters and child rearing. recently i found out that my spouse was having an affair for 13 months...but when i confronted my spouse it was denied...for a few days...then my spouse spilled the beans. i wanted to know everything..this affair since then has disappated but my spouse has been honest and said the feelings are still raw..my spouse is now dealing with "a break up". there really is too much to explain about the situation but i am now left with feelings of anger, disgust, and deep down..love for my spouse. i know why the affair happened..i know my spouses history..but in no way do i believe that this is an excuse. my spouse agrees and says that a lot of self reflection needs to be done..something i have asked for for many years. my spouse now feels like it is time to truly make changes personally and with me. i believe that this is very selfish..i mean...you go out and have your thing and now that its over u want to come back and work on here? i believe the only way to get back together...if we ever do...is to seperate and take a breath..let wounds heal...then decide. I dont want to make a decision to stay out fear or familarity...at this point i feel too hurt to even sit and discuss this even with a marriage counselor. i want distance. but my concern is my child...i dont know what im really asking in this post...validation? venting? <BR>i know that what ever choice i make it will be difficult but i want to blow this marriage out of the water...start from scratch or leave it alone. i think seperation and distance is the only answer. suggestions?

Firstly let me say that I am still going through hell having caught my wife cheating on me for over two years, so it seems I am no expert in marriage. If it helps, your wife is a LOT closer to reconciliation that is mine (we have two kids) yet I am still going.<P>A lot of people are likely to tell you not to separate. I don't know - I often feel that a severely damaged relationship is best put together by first repairing the wounds, then starting the courting process all over again. I would say DON'T MOVE OUT. You aren't the one that had the affair, you don't have the options that your wife does. If anyone is to go, it should be her. Think about her sleeping in another room in the same house, maybe?<P>It may be on this site or somewhere else that I read that a cheating spouse is in a selfish state. Note that this isn't just that cheating is selfish but that TO cheat, a person must BE selfish at the time. This has helped me to tolerate a lot of my wife's behaviour toward me, the children and helped me to accept her general attitude as just part of the 'problem'.<P>If you havn't already, read up this site's advice on Coping with Infidelity <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html</A> <P>Above all, whatever your wife does or says and whatever else you feel, make sure she knows that you love her. This is - gradually - working for me: even when I say "I have lost all trust in you," I follow up soon with "I love you".